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Thread: Family "miscommunication"

  1. #1
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    Family "miscommunication"

    I am not even sure where to post this and yes this is almost entirely to vent. Back story. Because I had my son later in life my older sibling who I love dearly (!) is now a grandmother of 4 young children (under 4). She has several children. She relocated with one of them to another state recently because another of her children live there. This week/weekend as it happens her other child will be there from out of state with 2 of the 4 grandchildren. In short all of my son's 4 cousins who he's never met (other than one who he met as an infant) will be in one location which is really rare.

    One of my nieces is hosting all the kids (hers and her sibling's) and her home is the only one where we could all congregate (long story re: other nephew who lives there).

    So: I wanted my son to meet everyone and see his Aunt, etc. My sister has to work most of this weekend (she needs the $ badly, I am entirely cool with that) but was going to do our best to see us evenings. I made it clear to my niece we would come from Fri-Sun (and we spent a lot on plane tickets despite it being a short flight and my husband could not come because of $ and work trip starting Sunday-Monday- also I wanted to give him a "free" weekend!). I made that clear to her sibling too who will be there. One night would not have been enough given travel (and now the gov't shutdown). We booked about 3 weeks ago. And we never ever asked to stay over with the other kids -I booked our hotel when I booked the flight and told her that too - I wanted her to know we would just be at her house during the days.

    Today -three days before we were supposed to leave she messages me to tell me (1) we can't come Friday night because her kids will go to sleep early and maybe my sister can meet us at our hotel (no, for practical reasons); (2) we can come starting at lunch the next day and (3) months ago they bought tickets for a kids show for Sunday so they're not available Sunday either.; (4) her husband is an introvert and feeling overwhelmed by all the people She said she didn't understand that we would want to spend all the time with her during Sat/Sun because we were coming for such a long time (Fri early evening-Sun afternoon). But i had messaged her when I booked and told her when we would be there, thanked her in advance for hosting, made sure we were invited to her house, etc. (yes I invited myself because she is my niece and our relationship forever is like that, no I wouldn't invite myself otherwise)

    Just so you know -nothing to do with my child (meaning it's not because she's afraid he'll be too energetic/rowdy -nothing like that at all - it's literally just because it would be one more kid and one more adult, me). We are very close. I've helped her and her husband a lot the last few years with work-related stuff and she was my mother;s helper on and off - I paid her well, she loved it, I loved it ,my son and her adore each other to pieces (but we've only skyped a few times the last number of years)

    She is in her early 20s. Is this a maturity thing?? I mean, I would never ,ever let anyone book a trip to see me for a weekend unless I was sure I was available. She knows I know no one else, knows I do not drive and we'll be taking Uber/lyft everywhere, etc. I asked for no rides, no pickup or drop off to the airport (and I do not drive), nothing but to come to her house so my son could meet his cousins. I get the overwhelmed part - I get it intensely. Which is why I either sucked it up when it happened to me or I just put my foot down and said no to the proposed plan or offered a modified plan (we can see you but only at such time). I cannot imagine having someone book a trip like that without giving thought to planning/schedules.

    I also know her sibling/two kids are driving her batty right now. I get it. I just wanted to know three weeks ago before I booked.

    Silver lining - our airline by some miracle has agreed to waive the change fee so that's hundreds of dollars saved and the hotel was refundable up till Thursday. And my son is invited to an uber-cool bday party Saturday which I hadn't told him about -now he can go. We just lost out on the trip insurance I bought plus my son will be so very very sad.

    (and no, I wasn't going to have my son miss school and hang out in a hotel room for most of 48 hours after a flight / long TSA lines just to spend a few hours with cousins - literally nothing to do in that area other than see them and that was the whole point of the trip, nothing else). Yes, if I had other friends I wanted to see/ could see I would have considered it.

    Thank you for listening. Yes I know just because I do things a certain way others do not. I'm just really really annoyed at what I see as thoughtless. Yes, I suppose I could have made it even more clear "we will be at your house a few hours Friday night/Saturday day and Sunday till the afternoon but I told her our travel dates and asked if we were invited to join in on the activities. More clear with a close family member? Any of you had this crap happen? I hope not.

    I know there are worse things. I really do. Thanks again, I am really sad about this.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Yeah that really stinks. I wonder what some people are thinking when they make plans, invite people, then change the rules in the middle of the game. You are lucky you are just out travel ins money.

    I remember a long time ago a woman I know invited me to her place and it took me well over an hour to drive there and when I got there she said - oh sorry, we are going out! So I turned around and went home. Never bothered with her again.

    I guess if your relative invites you to a weekend thing again, discuss this fully with her, so that there's no chance of a misunderstanding. Good thing your son can go to a cool party.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would tell them next time travel to you. I would be irritated for sure.

  4. #4
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    What the heck that would be so annoying!

    I do think it has something to do with maturity and age as you mentioned... I donít know about all 20 year olds but I know that many live life to please themselves and donít give much thought to the consequences of their decisions.

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  6. #5
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    Thank you all!!! It's funny, as per Melancholy's story, my husband reminded me of a story, pre-"us" many years ago when his family was invited to his cousins - long drive to pick up grandma, they arrive and within an hour they're told "we're leaving for a bbq so you have to go" (they never offered them any food or drink) and they left behind their own grandmother too!

    Minor updates - ironically my niece's older sib who didn't yet know we'd cancelled texted me to see if maybe she could pick us up at the airport Friday (I hadn't asked for any rides) so that was nice to see.

    Other thing is I welcome responses here and so appreciate AND I'm going to move on as much as possible -meaning not give into the temptation to vent to my sister (because it's her daughter).

    We decided to tell our son something neutral like "as it turns out they can't have us over at that time so we're not going this time". No need for him to be subjected to any potential dirty laundry.

    Also I'm glad in the sense that I was willing to go wayyyy out of my comfort zone as I've never traveled alone by plane with my son to a hotel (I have to stay at a friend's or my parents' place) - I mean he's a good kid just you know.

    It is a relief not to have to travel during the shutdown and potentially bad weather where I am.

    Again, thank you for your input!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I hope you are feeling better! It made me sad to read you were sad. It's totally understandable, the hurt and annoyance.
    Quite thoughtless on your nieces part, and maybe part of that is age related for sure. And that it hurt you, because you love her and feel close to her and so these things sting worse when it's someone dear to your heart. And I do think when younger especially, some of us don't take into consideration as much those supportive family in our lives that we love - because there can be a bit of taking for granted as the security is there that person will always be there. And you will be. But then as we get a little older, go through losses and gain more perceptives and experience, that appreciation and awareness sinks in and we are more careful with how we are to loved ones.
    Just some thoughts I had reading this... thinking of you .


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