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Thread: Guard up

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jan 2019
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    Guard up

    So Iím very used to being... used. To the point where I believe Iím only valued on what I provide- not who I am. I recently got out of a serious/long emotionally abusive relationship as a single mom. I was bored with life & went online looking for a dude to give me a break from my mundane life. Wasnít expecting anything serious or respectful. But I found a great guy. So great in fact, that Iím not really buying it, too good to be true. I think heís way more attractive than me so my guard is up thinking whatís the ulterior motive, he could even be a pedo that targets single moms, not super likely because I approached him. But I just really donít feel like Iím worthy of how sweet he is to me. After we first met he said he thinks he met the right person after a long time & my stomach hurt, couldnít eat for days so I finally asked him if he actually meant that or was just lying to get in my pants, asked for the actual truth because I was trying to sleep with him regardless. His answer was vague but the verdict was yes he did actually like me, but did exaggerate. After, I expressed regret for sounding so loose, as if exclusivity didnít matter to me; but I knew that with my schedule I Really donít have time for a relationship, so we decided fwb is what we are & he did say he wouldnít be dating anyone else, I didnít believe this, still not fully sure if I do but Iím on the fence because last time we got together he asked me to give him a hickey. We do lots of coupley things despite never going out in public (our 3 hours a week are spent in bed & the car), like I gave him a massage & brought him food I made, we call each other baby, he texts me on & off all day everyday, he still wanted to see me when I was on my period with no intention of sex, the time before that he asked to take a picture together, he loves kissing my forehead & hand when heís driving. One thing that confused me was I told him I was bored of the small talk & that we donít really know anything about each other & he said we know lots about each other, idk if heís really That boring or keeping an emotional distance because thereís Soooo much I havenít told him about my daily life (not to mention my past). At first he wanted to know but it was too soon to tell him & now he isnít interested.

    My question after all this is,
    is he evaluating me for long term relationship material (am I failing?) to see if Iím worth the wait (he knows Iíll be way more available around the time he finishes uni) or does he get off on building attachment & disappearing ? Iím just a that needs validation pls help lol

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Validate

    My question after all this is,
    is he evaluating me for long term relationship material (am I failing?) to see if Iím worth the wait (he knows Iíll be way more available around the time he finishes uni) or does he get off on building attachment & disappearing ? Iím just a that needs validation pls help lol
    Instead of trying to read his mind, how about you figure out you and figure out what you want instead?

    I can't tell if you are looking for a hook up or a boyfriend. But one this for sure is your self esteem is very low and when you try to date under these circumstances you are bound to make poor choices and are at risk of falling back into an abusive situation.

    How about you spend some time alone and maybe consider therapy?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Dec 2017
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    1,720
    Originally Posted by Validate
    So Iím very used to being... used. To the point where I believe Iím only valued on what I provide- not who I am. I recently got out of a serious/long emotionally abusive relationship as a single mom. I was bored with life & went online looking for a dude to give me a break from my mundane life. Wasnít expecting anything serious or respectful. But I found a great guy. So great in fact, that Iím not really buying it, too good to be true. I think heís way more attractive than me so my guard is up thinking whatís the ulterior motive, he could even be a pedo that targets single moms, not super likely because I approached him. But I just really donít feel like Iím worthy of how sweet he is to me. After we first met he said he thinks he met the right person after a long time & my stomach hurt, couldnít eat for days so I finally asked him if he actually meant that or was just lying to get in my pants, asked for the actual truth because I was trying to sleep with him regardless. His answer was vague but the verdict was yes he did actually like me, but did exaggerate. After, I expressed regret for sounding so loose, as if exclusivity didnít matter to me; but I knew that with my schedule I Really donít have time for a relationship, so we decided fwb is what we are & he did say he wouldnít be dating anyone else, I didnít believe this, still not fully sure if I do but Iím on the fence because last time we got together he asked me to give him a hickey. We do lots of coupley things despite never going out in public (our 3 hours a week are spent in bed & the car), like I gave him a massage & brought him food I made, we call each other baby, he texts me on & off all day everyday, he still wanted to see me when I was on my period with no intention of sex, the time before that he asked to take a picture together, he loves kissing my forehead & hand when heís driving. One thing that confused me was I told him I was bored of the small talk & that we donít really know anything about each other & he said we know lots about each other, idk if heís really That boring or keeping an emotional distance because thereís Soooo much I havenít told him about my daily life (not to mention my past). At first he wanted to know but it was too soon to tell him & now he isnít interested.

    My question after all this is,
    is he evaluating me for long term relationship material (am I failing?) to see if Iím worth the wait (he knows Iíll be way more available around the time he finishes uni) or does he get off on building attachment & disappearing ? Iím just a that needs validation pls help lol
    My recommendation is that you go back and carefully read what you wrote above... you have answered your own question here.

    You told him you didn't have time for a relationship, that you wanted to sleep with him no matter what he wants... you don't go out on dates, you don't have deep conversations about anything. Not to mention that when he told you he really liked you, you accused him of lying to get in your pants... my guess is that he likes sleeping with you but probably isn't planning to carry this any further. And before you blame him, take a close look at your behavior and realize your part in all this... you chose to not only accept this from him but you actually told him that's what you wanted.

    Instead of talking about how bored / boring you and your life are, and using some guy as entertainment, perhaps invest some time in getting to know yourself and getting over your previous relationship.

  4. #4

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    Jan 2019
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    Thank you.

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