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Worried I hurt the girl I really care about


Folkling

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So a while back, during college, I met the most amazing girl I've ever met. I'm the exact opposite of someone who falls head over heels, but she was different, and I liked her more than any other girl I've ever known. Kind, intelligent, mature, mysterious, attractive... all the good things.

 

She seemed to like me too, but then I started getting mixed signals; sometimes I'd catch her looking at me and she'd blush and look away. Sometimes I'd walk right past her and smile and say hello, and she would turn away and completely blank me. There was one time when I bumped into her and a friend unexpectedly walking around a corner, and she turned right around and walked back in the opposite direction (a complete dead-end) leaving her friend smiling at me. Other times she would smile at me or try to stand close to me. She didn't act like this around other guys (or anyone). She was normally so cool and calm.

 

I was confused, but eventually realised she was just shy, which really took me by surprise (she was way out of my league, and usually I'm the shy one). But anytime I spoke to her one on one she would hardly speak back, and I got more and more confused, and increasingly nervous.

 

But on top of this, I had real turmoil in my life. Throughout that whole semester my dad (a poor father, by his own admission) was threatening suicide and blaming it on me; no one else in my family was in contact with him and the burden fell on me (he never did kill himself, he was being manipulative, and during this time I realised I had to cut him off, which was a hard thing to do). I was working late nights to barely pay my rent in a mold-infested flat, and the college workload was intense. I felt like I was using all my mental, physical and emotional energy just to keep myself afloat, and even though I really liked this girl, dealing with the confusion between us was just more than I could handle at the time.

 

I never asked her out, things trailed off, she moved away, and we didn't speak or see each other again. With time and reflection I recently realised that this silence might have really hurt her feelings (it hurt mine), and I decided to message her happy birthday, which was kind of weird because we hadn't spoken for more than a year and we'd never never spoken online. She sent a nice thank-you message back, but when I asked her what was she up to she never responded.

 

-Did I hurt her feelings?

-Is she rejecting me?

-Is she still just being shy?

-Has she moved on?

-Should I move on?

-Was it wrong not to ask her out?

-What should I do next?

 

Thanks for listening, looking forward to your thoughts and advice.

 

Folkling.

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How much did you actually speak with her at large? Sounds like your connection was very minimal?

 

Anyway, no I don't think you hurt her feelings. It's kind of impossible to tell from your post how much you really knew her and how much of it was just in your head kind of fantasy thing going on. This idea of she is so perfect and mysterious because you didn't really know her so your mind filled in a whole lot of blanks and created this perfect person that she really isn't.

 

She might be shy or she might be aware of your attraction and not interested.

 

When someone doesn't respond, it is a rejection, sorry.

 

It wasn't wrong not to ask her out because you were having a hard time in life. It was probably best that you didn't.

 

Yes, you should just move on.

 

Since she didn't respond, there is nothing more to do for you here.

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Yeah I agree there's not much more to do. Will move on. But we did speak often, spent the whole semester together including socialising out of college so wouldn't say it was minimal.

 

And definitely aware I may have been filling in a few blanks and idealising. I guess she seemed mysterious to me because I was a bit confused.

 

But also pretty clear that she was interested in me, once I realised she was quite shy.

 

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts!

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Did I hurt her feelings? Possibly yes.

Is she rejecting me? Now she is yes.

Is she still just being shy? No.

Has she moved on? Yes

Should I move on? Yes

Was it wrong not to ask her out? Depends how you look at it. Was it wrong to take care of family and the family drama/emergency first before thinking of your dating life with a girl you barely know? No. Was it wrong not to somehow let her konw you were interested and wanted to date her to ensure she wouldn't assume you did not and move on? Yes.

What should I do next? Move on and learn from your mistakes to not make them next time (see below)

 

Okay. So you did lose her basically by ignoring and disappearing on her. After all what is she supposed to think about somebody that doens't contact her and never asks her out and never expresses interest and is just GONE? What would you think if somebody did that to you? RIGHT. That they weren't interested and you'd move on. This is what she did.

 

what can you learn from this?

If you're interested in somebody - dont' disappear on them. don't NOT tell them. Don't NOT ask them out. If something (an emergency) comes up that will take your attentino away perhaps for a while, make sure you LET the person know you notice them, like them, are interested in them, would like to take them out, but that you might be tied up a while due to other things.. but once they're done you'd like to take them out. Then exchange numbers and tell them you will contact them when you're done with these other things.

 

THEN.. do your best to keep in touch when you can.

 

Now -it's possible she was never interested in you IN THAT WAY - its' hard to tell (but i think she did like you at some point), but the point is if you were interseted in her - you should have acted on that at some point. If yo udont' act, who will? You can't just sit and wait and depend on everybody else to act to put it together right?

 

This one is lost (sorry).

There will be others.

Learn from this so you will handle the next one much better.

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