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Thread: Ex flirting via text

  1. #1
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    Ex flirting via text

    Hi everyone,

    I'm in a bit of a weird place mentally and would love some outside advice/opinions to get things straight in my head.

    I'm married (for two years) to a wonderful man who has honestly treated me better than anyone I've ever met. He's sweet, caring, funny and just amazing. I feel totally comfortable being myself around him and know marrying him was a good decision.

    Back last April, my ex from 10 years ago contacted me via LinkedIn (he doesn't use any other social media platforms). When his name popped up, my heart sank. I knew responding was opening a can of worms but I did anyway. We had a fairly amicable chat about life and our jobs. He gave me his number to stay in touch and when we did talk it was friendly banter and sending each other memes. I didn't feel anxious anymore because he seemed to have moved on and just wanted to salvage the friendship.

    A couple of days later he asked if I was seeing anyone and I told him my situation which he seemed ok with and said we can just stay friends.

    As time went on though, he would sometimes send very risky/flirty messages about how "if I wasn't married he'd be over mine right now" (oh, this guy has a girlfriend too!), said he has sexual thoughts about us and how he still loves me and I was his 'first love that he'll never get over'.

    It's so clear to me by typing this out how scummy and messed up it all is. I can see it. The thing that messes with my head is that he was also my first love, and I've never felt the way I did for him for anyone else - he's totally not husband material but alluring and interesting and hearing these things made me feel butterfiles again like I had when we were together. So I had to delete him from my phone.

    The flirting continued when he would text, and I'd ask "are you not happy with your girlfriend?" which he'd say "yes I am" to but wants me and loves both of us?

    I just want to know what he's after as I can't figure him out. Wanting to be friends is fine, but he's essentially admitting he'd happily cheat on his girlfriend? I've shown my husband everything he's sent me and he thinks I should get rid which I agree with. I just don't know why these feelings are coming up again and why he hasn't let go in all this time?

    Any help would be appreciated :(

  2. #2
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    I would just stop engaging with his texts. Seems he is interested in being more than just friends. Out of respect for yourself and husband I would just end the chatting with this other guy. Not worth your energy!

  3. #3
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    Thanks, you're right, just confused...he's in a relationship himself, why tell me all this if he says he's happy with her?

  4. #4
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    This guy doesn't want to be 'friends'. What he wants is to keep you on a string as backup in the hope that you'll finally cave in to his desires. Yes, he would happily cheat on his girlfriend. He's a scumbag. That's all you need to know. This isn't about you or her, or what a romantic relationship you had that he's never been able to forget, but about the fact that he can't stay faithful to the person he's with. It's about him. It's about how he's got the morals of a cockroach and would have no qualms about breaking up your marriage.

    My ex husband tried this sort of rubbish on with me; he'd been with his partner (wife by then) for ten years, but he kept phoning me up and saying that he hadn't appreciated me when we were together, that it was so difficult being married when he still loved me this much... all the rest. I told him he didn't love me, but that he was in love with a fantasy based on who I was nearly 20 years earlier - whilst he was just repeating his old pattern of not appreciating the person he was really with. I told him that his wife was the best thing which had ever happened to him (she is - she's a wonderful person who I like very much!) and to stop being such a t***.

    That did the trick, I can tell you! I suggest you employ similar tactics unless you really want to mess up your life for someone who really isn't worth it!

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  6. #5
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    Thanks for the input! It's so obvious to me how scummy it is but always good to hear from others that it's the same to them because it helps to validate how you feel about it all, if that makes sense.

    In the past before I was married Id've done anything for this guy (and did, for little in return most of the time!), and when I ask why he could never commit to me properly he always said it's because he was battling depression or going through a hard time. I've been through hard times too but wouldn't ignore him or ask for help with something then blank me. I ended up cutting contact for 4 years before the LinkedIn message because almost every interaction with him turned sexual and I started to feel pressured.

    He hated me moving on and being with anyone else but when I was alone he hardly acknowledged me. It's so weird. All the while I was totally smitten and fell for all the "I love yous". :(

  7. #6
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    He hated me moving on and being with anyone else but when I was alone he hardly acknowledged me. It's so weird.
    He's a "Dog in a Manger". When you're available, he doesn't want you - but he regards you as his property and doesn't want anyone else to have you either. This is not about love, and please don't tell yourself it is!

    when I ask why he could never commit to me properly he always said it's because he was battling depression or going through a hard time.
    Having depression or going through a hard time is nothing to do with commitment; in fact for some couples going through a hard time together and coming out the other side will really strengthen their relationship. He could never commit to you properly because he can't commit to ANYBODY properly... including his current girlfriend.

    I have to say, the ones I feel sorry for are your husband and his girlfriend, who risk being hurt through no fault of their own.

  8. #7
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    I agree. Always did find the "oh it's because I had depression" excuse sort of strange, especially because he was seeing other girls during that time too (though only for a week at a time or until he got bored of them).

    I understand you saying this about his gf and my husband. It's why I've shown him everything. I confided in a close friend about it too and he was gobsmacked that, on WhatsApp, this guy's profile picture is of him and his girlfriend (who only appeared as soon as I told him I was married btw hah!) and yet there he was saying he'd had inappropriate dreams, loved me, and would drive up to see me if I wasn't married.

    He also said he doesn't trust being around me because he'd be 'naughty'.

    I wish I wasn't so besotted by him in the past, would've been much easier and less time wasted.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You need to set up relationship boundaries so that nobody is allowed entry to destroy your primary relationship. You liked the ego boost and butterflies of the exes messages more than you cared about hurting your spouse and the integrity of your marriage by letting this go on.

    You should be looking inward instead of at the ex to get to the bottom of things. People who are lacking in self esteem subconsciously think they deserve a crappy person and seek that dysfunction, and sabotage a relationship with a decent person, because it just doesn't feel right that a decent person would like undeserving me.

    Stop the communication with the dirtbag asap. Vow to never again communicate with anyone who will interfere with your marriage. And then work on adding a spark to your marriage and improve the emotional connection. There are so many ways you can do this. Look at Cosmopolitan magazine online to get tips on adding spice to the marriage. Take up a new hobby together. Try tango lessons, the most sexiest of the types of dance. Go to a couples store to pick up new bedroom toys. Good luck.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    You need to set up relationship boundaries so that nobody is allowed entry to destroy your primary relationship. You liked the ego boost and butterflies of the exes messages more than you cared about hurting your spouse and the integrity of your marriage by letting this go on.

    You should be looking inward instead of at the ex to get to the bottom of things. People who are lacking in self esteem subconsciously think they deserve a crappy person and seek that dysfunction, and sabotage a relationship with a decent person, because it just doesn't feel right that a decent person would like undeserving me.

    Stop the communication with the dirtbag asap. Vow to never again communicate with anyone who will interfere with your marriage. And then work on adding a spark to your marriage and improve the emotional connection. There are so many ways you can do this. Look at Cosmopolitan magazine online to get tips on adding spice to the marriage. Take up a new hobby together. Try tango lessons, the most sexiest of the types of dance. Go to a couples store to pick up new bedroom toys. Good luck.
    You're right re: the self-esteem bit, I've always felt low about myself and this guy had so much charisma and charm when we were dating and I felt undeserving of someone like that. He was outgoing, outspoken and handsome but incredibly relentless. I broke it off because I didn't feel 'good enough' and always worried that he'd cheat on me, which is ironic...

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jay98
    I just want to know what he's after as I can't figure him out.
    From what you've shared, it sounds like this has always been the case with him. Part of the frustration, part of the allure, part of the charge. A certain elusiveness, an edge of danger. Part of what made being with him so consuming, if ultimately unrewarding and unsustainable.

    In other words, none of this is mysterious. There is nothing to figure out. He's being who he is. Just as he could never quite be a proper boyfriend, he can't be a proper friend. He's someone who likes to dance in that middle ground, where there's a lot of heat but nothing is quite real. Makes for an interesting character in a movie, but not a good man in reality.

    Anyhow, you've really handled this well. Most of us have a person or two from our past who will always have the ability to trigger a complex brew of feelings: excitement, butterflies, curiosity, sparks. That damn charge that fires up against all logic. No need to feel ashamed. Yeah, you cracked that can of worms a bit, probably wanting a little hit of the sparks while also being curious if, hey, who knows, maybe we can just be genuinely friendly after so much time. And you've realized that, no, not possible. Not his intentions. Not even yours, not quite.

    Bravo for telling your husband. That speaks volumes for your character—for all the awesomeness inside of you that your ex couldn't see and that being with him suppressed—and the strength of your marriage. Stay that path—that's the good one, the truly fun one, not this shallow riddle of dude. Cut this guy off, for the same reasons you cut him off four years ago, and this will just be a little blip.

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