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Thread: Ex flirting via text

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It would be best to affirm your boundaries that you are married. Remove him as a LinkedIn contact (he won't be notified). Unless you worked together, ex lovers don't belong in a list of contacts all your other contacts can see. Also send a final text emphasizing that you are married and it's getting inappropriate and uncomfortable. Then stop engaging him, block and delete him.

    Make an appointment with a therapist for some short term therapy to explore why you wanted all this attention and what kind of void you are trying to fill. A sleazeball who wants to get into sexing, has nothing to do with "not letting go". Perhaps reflect on what a bullet you dodged.
    Originally Posted by Jay98
    -Back last April, my ex from 10 years ago contacted me via LinkedIn
    -he has sexual thoughts about us and how he still loves me and I was his 'first love that he'll never get over'.
    -I had to delete him from my phone.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    From what you've shared, it sounds like this has always been the case with him. Part of the frustration, part of the allure, part of the charge. A certain elusiveness, an edge of danger. Part of what made being with him so consuming, if ultimately unrewarding and unsustainable.

    In other words, none of this is mysterious. There is nothing to figure out. He's being who he is. Just as he could never quite be a proper boyfriend, he can't be a proper friend. He's someone who likes to dance in that middle ground, where there's a lot of heat but nothing is quite real. Makes for an interesting character in a movie, but not a good man in reality.

    Anyhow, you've really handled this well. Most of us have a person or two from our past who will always have the ability to trigger a complex brew of feelings: excitement, butterflies, curiosity, sparks. That damn charge that fires up against all logic. No need to feel ashamed. Yeah, you cracked that can of worms a bit, probably wanting a little hit of the sparks while also being curious if, hey, who knows, maybe we can just be genuinely friendly after so much time. And you've realized that, no, not possible. Not his intentions. Not even yours, not quite.

    Bravo for telling your husband. That speaks volumes for your character—for all the awesomeness inside of you that your ex couldn't see and that being with him suppressed—and the strength of your marriage. Stay that path—that's the good one, the truly fun one, not this shallow riddle of dude. Cut this guy off, for the same reasons you cut him off four years ago, and this will just be a little blip.
    wow this is such a good way to look at it! :O

    One of the reasons I decided to post about this here is because all but one of my friends can't stand the dude. I needed an outsider's POV to figure out this mess and it's really helping to talk about it with you all and honestly thank you all so much for your replies.

    The bit that got me is the "it's not quite real". That's so true. We almost got back together about 5 years ago before he started pushing for intimacy that I wasn't ready for (which is why I legged it again). It's like...in your mind it's all so whymsical and butterflies and memories, he's the one guy I struggle to have a coherent conversation with on the phone because I stutter in his shadow. It's so pathetic. But when you get "real" about it all, you see it for the unhealthy mess that it is.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It would be best to affirm your boundaries that you are married. Remove him as a LinkedIn contact (he won't be notified). Unless you worked together, ex lovers don't belong in a list of contacts all your other contacts can see. Also send a final text emphasizing that you are married and it's getting inappropriate and uncomfortable. Then stop engaging him, block and delete him.

    Make an appointment with a therapist for some short term therapy to explore why you wanted all this attention and what kind of void you are trying to fill. A sleazeball who wants to get into sexing, has nothing to do with "not letting go". Perhaps reflect on what a bullet you dodged.
    Thank you for taking the time to reply.

    I'll remove him this evening. I noticed when I deleted him from my phone (and consequently whatsapp, my profile must have stopped being visible to him) he looked at my LinkedIn page.

    I'll be interested to see if this relationship he's in now pans out. They never usually do.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Jay98
    I'll be interested to see if this relationship he's in now pans out. They never usually do.
    I wouldn't bother to waste any more thinking time on him. I really wouldn't!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It is not "pathetic" at all. It is simply human.

    We are fragile, and in our fragility is our beauty, even our truest strength. But some people, and some relationships, simply exploit that fragility: testing it rather than celebrating it, weakening our preciousness rather than strengthening it. That some of these people can be extraordinarily compelling, and that some of those relationships can be extraordinarily consuming—well, that's the forever rub, the thing that can make brain see a mess as something worth exploring.

    Sounds like this guy had the ability to make you feel very, very good, though the price of that goodness was always steep: it was because he could also make you feel really, really bad. Wobbly. Unsure of yourself. Stuttering in his shadow and, by extension, a shadow of yourself. And so affection from him, when you could extract it, when you could "figure it out," helped shade you back in.

    Consuming stuff, that. Also not healthy.

    Is all that connected to some simmering self-esteem issues, some insecurities? Yeah, sure. And we all have a pit of those inside of us, no matter how much meditation and/or therapy and/or whatever paths of self-exploration we walk to shore up our self-confidence. The key is to kind of recognize that fragile pit—oh, hey, I see you, and I'm strong enough to look at you straight on—and recognize that some people simply have a way of stirring it that is unhealthy.

    Those are the people we keep out, to protect the fragility, so it can manifest in healthy ways rather than guide us down the wrong paths.

    Which you've done, for the most part. Which is the opposite of "pathetic." Take a moment to remember that, because that's true. That's you. That's "real." Go give your husband a big old kiss.

    Probably part of the appeal in engaging with him, at this juncture, was to test your strength. To test your own evolution since those wobbly, stuttering days. To see if he'd lost his "power" over you, while also, yeah, kind of wanting to feel that "power."

    And you realized that, dang it, dude is still kryptonite. That's not because he's mysterious and powerful, but because—and remember this—he's kind of just a lost soul. Lost souls suck people in, because they need that energy to feel found. That's his weakness, you see? His insecurity, the dark pit inside him that he's too cowardly to look at straight. No, not mysterious, not at all.

    That is what is pathetic, not you. Make that the lesson of this little hiccup and you're back on track.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    It is not "pathetic" at all. It is simply human.

    We are fragile, and in our fragility is our beauty, even our truest strength. But some people, and some relationships, simply exploit that fragility: testing it rather than celebrating it, weakening our preciousness rather than strengthening it. That some of these people can be extraordinarily compelling, and that some of those relationships can be extraordinarily consuming—well, that's the forever rub, the thing that can make brain see a mess as something worth exploring.

    Sounds like this guy had the ability to make you feel very, very good, though the price of that goodness was always steep: it was because he could also make you feel really, really bad. Wobbly. Unsure of yourself. Stuttering in his shadow and, by extension, a shadow of yourself. And so affection from him, when you could extract it, when you could "figure it out," helped shade you back in.

    Consuming stuff, that. Also not healthy.

    Is all that connected to some simmering self-esteem issues, some insecurities? Yeah, sure. And we all have a pit of those inside of us, no matter how much meditation and/or therapy and/or whatever paths of self-exploration we walk to shore up our self-confidence. The key is to kind of recognize that fragile pit—oh, hey, I see you, and I'm strong enough to look at you straight on—and recognize that some people simply have a way of stirring it that is unhealthy.

    Those are the people we keep out, to protect the fragility, so it can manifest in healthy ways rather than guide us down the wrong paths.

    Which you've done, for the most part. Which is the opposite of "pathetic." Take a moment to remember that, because that's true. That's you. That's "real." Go give your husband a big old kiss.

    Probably part of the appeal in engaging with him, at this juncture, was to test your strength. To test your own evolution since those wobbly, stuttering days. To see if he'd lost his "power" over you, while also, yeah, kind of wanting to feel that "power."

    And you realized that, dang it, dude is still kryptonite. That's not because he's mysterious and powerful, but because—and remember this—he's kind of just a lost soul. Lost souls suck people in, because they need that energy to feel found. That's his weakness, you see? His insecurity, the dark pit inside him that he's too cowardly to look at straight. No, not mysterious, not at all.

    That is what is pathetic, not you. Make that the lesson of this little hiccup and you're back on track.
    Thank you! I've never fully understood why I get so tongue-tied when I talk to him, even now, years later...we could be talking about something on TV and I'd just end up giggling and uggh...it's like being permanently 17, which is the age I met him...

    It is consuming because like you say, when you do extract any affection it makes you feel so good in a way I can't describe. When we broke up (I ended it because he wanted to join the army and I felt second-best, he didn't ask my opinion on it), I was gutted within a week. Kept calling him and getting the cold shoulder. When we did start talking again we would act like we were together, but it was never made official ever again. It's like unfinished business. I was so infatuated with him but also tentative and scared because I knew what he was like underneath the charm and charisma. Even to this day nobody makes me laugh like he does, he not only knows what to say but how to say it...

    Ugh.

    I need to get back on track. Definitely noted.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I just don't know why these feelings are coming up again and why he hasn't let go in all this time?
    The feelings are coming up again because its human nature to be titillated when being pursued by someone we are attracted to in someway. Just because we are in a relationship it doesn't mean our normal routes to sexual stimulation/excitement is suddenly cut off to anyone but our partner. That is why you're sliding down a slippery slope to emotional cheating (and possible physical cheating if you let it go far enough) when you keep on allowing him to contact you with his pursuit of you.

    He's doing it because "it" works on a whole lot of people who don't have the personal boundaries and good sense in place to immediately cut off the supply of stimulation that is coming from someone other than our partner.

    If you and your husband agree on "getting rid" then why is he still able to text you? Have you not blocked and deleted him?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Sometimes after a break up, we leave something behind. You mentioned your feelings for him and even while trying to reconcile, he just didn't seem to reciprocate. It's as if you gave up a little of your self esteem in those moments and he's had it ever since.

    Talking to him now fills that hole he left behind. It's almost as if after he left, you were at 90% and now with his contact, even as smarmy as it is, you get back that 10% Those `what was wrong with me?' moments were healed when he reaches out.

    But that's all it is. You are entirely two different people and his intentions are no where near good. He gets the ego boost he's seeking and you get that little piece of your self-esteem healed.

    So, now be done with it because if you continue, someone will get hurt.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I read your other posts about this ex and it made me wonder why you would want to risk your new marriage talking to this guy at all. You do realize you are talking to a guy you used to love, that treated you very badly, strung you along until you finally dumped him for good and now he contacts you because he wants to get into your pants. It is that simple and deep down you know that is what he wants and yet you continued to chat with him after the sexual talk started.

    How do you think your husband would react if he found those messages? Once trust is broken it takes years to rebuild and most of the time it is never the same.

    He is an ex for a reason and you are married. You should have never accepted the request.

    I wonder how you would react and feel if your husband was chatting with his first love behind your back.

    Marriages are tough enough without this kind of nonsense. Most of us veterans on this forum have seen plenty of threads where an ex just wanted to "friends" and stay in touch and then it was meeting for coffee or lunch and then a weak moment turned into a kiss and then sex. Playing with fire gets people burned...

    Do the right thing and NEVER speak to this guy ever again and learn from this.

    Lost

  11. #20
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    So what if he was your first love, clearly this guy is a sleazebag and you are willing to risk your marriage over it. What is wrong with you?

    I cannot fathom why you responded in the first place. Really disrespectful to your marriage.

    He does not care about you, he simple wants a sex.

    Do right by your marriage and block this creep.

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