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Thread: Confused. Please sort my head out

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jan 2019

    Confused. Please sort my head out

    Sound advice needed to help get my head straight.
    I have 2 children from a previous marriage one with autism and adhd. It was an abusive marriage and we left 7 years ago. Its just been me and my kids since.
    3 years ago i was assaulted by a guy and so the idea of dating has not appealed to me in the slightest.
    Iv become a strong, independent person or so i thought. I Work full time and bring up my kids. I loved the little world i have been in with just the 3 of us but there has always been something missing.
    I started working for a large company two years ago and the CEO of the company and myself had an instant connection. We just got on and connected in a way iv never felt beforč. Obviousily he is in a position of power and so feelings got ignored. We just knew they were there. He was always around as he based himself at my workplace and helped me with career choices and took to being my mentor.

    Because of court proceedings he found out about my assault. He never supported me directly but made sure other managers supported me. He would ask how i was etc but never talk directly about it. It was out of his comfort zone.
    I didnt want to talk anyway but i felt so embarrassed and ashamed of him knowing i started to distance myself from him. It got easier as time went on as the company expanded, he got an office near to where he is living 2hrs away so i would only see him occassionally and had only small talk and pleasentaries with him. There would be times we would catch each others eye and smile and collegues would tell me he was always asking for me but we just got on with it.
    6 months ago he was nominated for an award and i was invited to the function. I have let invites down before by him to work functions as i dont particulary like being around drunk people but this time iwas proud of his achievment and wanted to be there to support him. I was late as usual but when i arrived he was stood outside waiting for me. He took me under his wing and stayed with me the whole evening. It felt like noone else was there. It felt romantic but without the romance. We went our seperate ways but he then started basing himself at my workplace again more frequently. When it came time for our christmas party it was based two hours away. i really wanted to go and re-live the award night but i couldnt put my name forward as it was too far away for me to be away from my 14yr old daughter with autism .
    When he found out he booked and paid for a hotel for my daughter and myself to stay and invited my daughter to the party so i could attend. I did re-live the award night with the added bonus of watching my daughter have the time of her life. At the end of the night he insisted on walking us back to our hotel. Again nothing happened. I said thank you and we said goodbye. Since then however things have progressed with us. He is at work more and more, i complained he is taking up my office space and would kick him out into another room ( far too distracting) .
    So We are now dating. I had the most magical christmas. He takes me out we have fun and i laugh everyday. We have serious chats too getting to know each other.
    So on one occassion we were talking about intimacy and he mentioned the assault. It was a bit akward but I was honest with him and said i didnt want to rush anything . I didnt want to be seen as a sex object having a sleazy office affair. He seemed relieved and then confessed that he hasnt had sex for over 10years as he has a fear of physical intimacy.
    I am the first person he has felt desire for in a very long time. We do have sexual chemistry that is very clear ŕnd we both agreed everything has to happen naturally between us.
    He has now booked a hotel for us in a couple of weeks and we were talking last night planning our night out when suddenly i felt that although i know i want to make love to him and i am ready, perhaps a lot of pressure was now put on him. All sorts come into my head. He is going to find it difficult. He probably would find it hard to perform. He wont be fully relaxed and wont enjoy it. So i spoke to him about the pressures we both may be feeling and asked him to just stop planning what we were doing and just do whatever we felt was right at the time. I wanted to reassure him in an indirect way without him feeling its all about his issues.
    but In my mind im thinking actually i do want him to want me.
    His reply to it was that he would be more than happy to cuddle up to me for the night and didnt want me to think he had just booked a hotel room for sex. I let that pass i wont go back on my word of what will be will be, it has to be natural.
    He then went on to tell me is what he liked about our relationship is that he has found his best mate who he knows is the only person he can trust in the company who will have his back. (This is true.) And that i give him a relief away from all the pressures of work and life. Normally it would be a sweet thing to say but i may be hormonal or something but my initial reaction to that was "i like to believe i am more than your mate who gives good hugs ".
    His response was from friendship makes love which will eventually lead to physical intimacy.
    The poor man cant win because i have twisted that whole conversation in my head into a rejection and it still hurts this morning.
    I feel like a mate with benefits but not benefits.
    This has messed with me. I cannot work it out. Can someone please translate this language for me
    Last edited by Susysu39; 01-22-2019 at 07:32 AM. Reason: Typo

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    It is very unwise to get involved with a work colleague, period. It's doubly unwise to get involved with a superior, for a whole host of reasons. If you want to pursue this relationship, then try and find another job FIRST - or it'll get really messy. Assuming this is feasible...

    On another level, you are being used (in the nicest possible way) as a bit of respite from the pressures of his work. He has problems around intimacy, as he has admitted himself, and someone with a fear of physical intimacy is not someone you can build an intimate relationship with in the long term. And please don't tell yourself that it'll be different with you - it really won't!

    Interestingly, I knew a guy who had real problems in this area, both physically and emotionally, and tended to find partners who were sexual abuse victims who were too traumatised to have sex. It kind of worked for them. The fact that you have been assaulted and are therefore very tentative about dating will also chime with his problems.

    So... assuming you are both unattached and that nobody else will be hurt or betrayed if you do have a relationship... ask yourself what you want. If it's eventually an all-in relationship, fulfilling on a physical and emotional level, which will eventually lead to a commitment - this is not the guy for you.

    However, if you just want someone to be a cuddly comforting presence, who clearly cares about you very much, with no pressure on either side - why not go ahead? He has been honest with you about his limitations - now you need to accept them and ask yourself if you can work with that. It makes no sense at all to feel hurt and rejected because someone with a fear of physical intimacy, will also feel afraid of physical intimacy with you. It's part of who he is.

    It puts me in mind of the old saying "If you want to make chicken soup, don't start with a veal chop!"

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    Well....you said you don't want this trip to be pressured and now you are creating pressure, both on him and yourself. What he said was meant to alleviate your anxiety. However, you are choosing to read something else entirely into it. That's not fair to either of you. You already know he has issues, so why are you creating this story in your head where these issues must be about you.

    Problem is that when it comes to relationships, you both aren't healthy. It's probably why you are gravitating to each other like that. You were in an abusive marriage and then you were assaulted. Have you sought any kind of counseling for any of that? Are you currently in counseling? Reason I'm asking is that you are leaping to an unhealthy pattern/reaction instantly and in a pretty extreme way and that's concerning. If you haven't sough counseling for what you have gone through in the past, you need to and if you have, you need to seek some more because the inner turmoil that you thought had been dealt with just came right out. The solution here isn't to be single and celibate for another 10 years, it's about resolving the damage from your past so you can have a happy and healthy relationship in your future.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    If you want to be with this person you will need to be patient with his process, stop pressuring him, and let go of the idea that sex = love. Because he is right... friendship is the foundation of all good relationships and he needs to build a friendship and trust before he will be comfortable being intimate with you.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Central Canada
    I don't understand why you are trying to sabotage the connection you have with him which you are defo doing even if subconsciously by taking what he said to you so negatively. It was not a rejection IMO but rather an attempt to make you feel less pressured (pressured due to your assault).

    Why is it you can't just relax and enjoy what you have with this man and take things as they come? He clearly values you in his life and he shows you often what you mean to him, he respects you and he is honest with you. YOU need to figure out why you're skittish and try not to blame the 'why' on him while you do the figuring out.

    I hope you have a lovely time on your overnighter. Chillax or it will be a pressure filled, anxiety ridden disaster. If he can't perform then give him the patience that a good man deserves after not having been sexually intimate for over 10 years. BTW: Why hasn't he been? Have you dealt deeper into his "fear of sexual intimacy?" Has he been to therapy about that? If not, maybe he should be going!

  7. #6
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Sounds like you both have significant history.
    I worry a bit about his role as your supervisor... but if he doesnt directly manage you, I guess its not as big of deal.
    He isnt blowing you off. He is just being cautious. I applaud both of you. Keep going and maybe let him set the pace.
    Its hard, but try not to push things with him.

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