She is living with her ex, what joy

I have been dating a coworker for about a year and a half. Before I met her she had been in a 10 yr relationship (not married) with a guy who is the father to her daughter. They had broken up a year before I met her but she was still living under the same roof with him in his house. She said it was best for the child if she remained there. When we first started talking, she said her relationship with him was “complicated”, so I , of course, had her define “complicated”. She said they would have sex every once in a while but the intimacy was gone. It was again out of convenience. The initial reason they broke up was he had been unfaithful to her on several occasions and she was tired of forgiving him and decided to call it quits.

Fast forward to us and our relationship, its been real tough for me. Over the course of a year and a half she has kept me distant from her home (his home), her daughter, her parents and her homelife in general. I dont get invited to holidays at her families house, he does. I have met her parents once, her daughter 3 times and have never met her siblings and they all live less than 20 mins away. My mother lives 700 miles away and she has met with her at my house 5 times. Ha!! She comes to my house after work, which she has a key, spends some time here and goes home. I dont know what goes on after she leaves my house. She texts me throughout the evening but thats about it. I never see her on our days off, we have only hung out on our days off maybe but 5 times, otherwise i see her at work and just after work for a few hours everyday. We tell each other we love each other but it seems all too superficial. She claims I am the only man she loves and she will hold onto to me for eternity. Which I realize is likely a load BS. It just seems its all too convenient for her, she has the best of both worlds.

When we first started hanging out (1.5 yrs ago) she lied to me about her social media accounts and claimed they must have been hacked by her ex and she had no idea why she would have posted things on her page when it was deactivated. I let it go and found out 4 mos later she was still active on her account and bold faced lied about it again. Meanwhile the ex is wanting her back because she now has interest in someone else.

I cant get her to talk about a lot of things, things are always so vague.

At one point last year, I had had enough and told her its him or me, and brought up the lies and she bold faced lied again. We ultimately decided to try and work through things and continued to keep dating. Nothing has changed. I realize I have put myself in this situation and it is likely never going to change, being for the past year and half she has told me she is going to move out and buy her own place but that never materializes. I dont see myself as a victim, I see myself as a man that just wants the truth. I deserve that much. I have been patient, understanding and shown her all the love I have, all while being honest and truthful with her from day 1. I have never kept anything from her and as I said, she even has the key to my home. I am an open book, she is not. At this point I feel like I am just sticking around to find out the truth. I dont really trust her, I dont believe what she tells me about her relationship with him. Its extremely frustrating I have put all of this time into something I know will fail or has. Question is: how donI get the truth out of her? What conversation can I have with her to just sit and be honest about all of this without her getting defensive like she always does? Last time I tried, she threw the book at me, so completely obvious she has been hiding so much for so long.

You are on the periphery of her life. Sorry, he comes before you. It sounds like she is using you to get him back.

She showed the truth a long time ago, you simply refuse to see.

Move on. You should have never have gotten involved in this mess. I would address your place in this. You are pursuing a woman who is emotionally unavailable.

Question is: how do I get the truth out of her?

You get it by realizing she's already given it to you, many times, over and over, through actions. And I know that's hard to hear, harder to accept. But it's really the case, the truth.

The "truth" you're actually wanting, when you express this desire, is something else: it's for her to be someone she's not, someone a bit closer to the person you've invested this time, energy, and emotion into. That would bring comfort, make the investment more worth while, the time not wasted, the heart and ego less bruised.

But if you could get that truth you wouldn't be in this spot, you know? You'd be in a healthy relationship, trusting someone, not trying to extract a truth that isn't there.

You sound really smart and awesome. I know this is all hard. But there are lessons here, good ones, but I think you have to cut this out and move to absorb them so you can live them.

You already know the truth, OP. She is clearly still involved with her ex to some degree, and not really available for a relationship with you.

She is likely not ever going to come out and say it, so you're wasting your time hoping she will. This arrangement works for her but it obviously (and understandably!) doesn't work for you. It's barely a relationship, and you've known that for a while.

You know what you need to do.

Unfortunately they are still living as a couple and family unit. Therefore this is just an affair. Save your sanity and step out of this messy situation.

she was still living under the same roof with him in his house. She said it was best for the child if she remained there. She said they would have sex every once in a while but the intimacy was gone.

Right, I see what you are all saying. I have fabricated this person in my mind to be someone she is not. A situation that doesnt really exist, but somewhere within my brain I have created this illusion she does. It is frightening to think I am in love with someone that I believe her to be. I guess my need for verbal verification is nothing more than a redundancy at this point. Her actions have clearly marked the truth right before me, all the while I have been waiting for something that is already there. I am in love with a ghost and she is still in love with her past, I have been nothing more than a distraction or a useful tool for payback. Your own mind can sure play dirty tricks on you, especially when all you want is the right thing even though the wrong thing is staring you right in the face.

I have been guilty of a situation like this myself in the past. I was living with my kids father and even though we weren't together in a relationship, we did still sleep together sometimes.

Please listen to me and get out now-- it doesnt matter what shes telling you- look at what is in your face. Shes living with a man that she has an extensive sexual history with- they are undressing under the same roof, preparing meals together, bathing, undressing in a shared space, sharing Bill's and are enjoying "family" time together. If you think hes not hitting that every now and then, you are in denial. He cant bring his women over there and she can't bring you over there. That is the arrangement that they have in place.

You are her side piece. What I find so disturbing is that you see actually accepting this arrangement. She has validation from two men 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You provide what shes lacking from her "baby's daddy" and that's all. Shes also probably getting financial support from the two of you and her ego is huge knowing that she has two men that are accepting this arrangement. She does not respect either of you. She is using you both. She cares about you now but as long as it benefits her.

One day, she will get tired of you. Side pieces do not get promoted to the main dish. You will be discarded at some point. She will drop you and simply find another another low self esteem man to validate her. You aren't her first side dish and probably wont be her last. They probably have had an open relationship for years.

Please get away from this woman. Find you a woman that will give you unlimited access to herself, a woman that can be faithful and loyal. I've played these games in years past and all shes going to do is drop you and act as if you never existed. If she misses you, its only when shes bored or needs validation. Even then, she wont care enough to reach out, because when shes done with you, it will be forever. She needs more excitement and you are old news.

She wont care about the time you lost or the pain you'll be in. She was with him before you came along, while she was involved with you, and he will be around AFTER you're gone. You'll be sad that shes gone and she will sexing another man before the sun rises. Please dont end up like my former side piece from years ago- bitter and resentful about the time he wasted. Because once you are fully aware of the "situation" and you accept it, at that point she is doing only what you ALLOW. She will one day mature and be ready to settle down, just as I have. But it will be for a man that has self respect, and whom would never tolerate being second to another man. When she settles down, she wont choose you because you allowed yourself to be a doormat. So please just leave and stop wasting your time.

Please examine what it is from your past that makes you feel like you deserve this type of treatment. Someone deep within, you have self esteem and self worth issues. This relationship WILL end. There is no future for the two of you because she wont get rid of her other man and be exclusive with you. Shes not going to tell you she still had feelings for her ex and that's why they are still living together- but that's what it really is. She still cares about him and doesnt want to let him go, but she wants her freedom to do as she pleases. Good luck to you!!

You seem like a loving and compassionate man. Please find a GOOD woman that can love you in return. Please don't waste any more of your life and time that you cannot get back.

It is frightening to think I am in love with someone that I believe her to be.

You believed her to be available for a meaningful relationship with you, and proceeded on that basis. You are basically having an affair with someone who's already attached.

Don't wait around telling yourself that you deserve 'the truth'; that's been staring you in the face for ages. Just don't expect her to deliver it to you!

What you do deserve, however, is a clean break from this woman and all her silly games, chance to heal and then the possibility of a relationship with an APPROPRIATE partner.

Good luck!

Time to stop lying to yourself and face facts and reality. She isn't living with an ex, she is living with her bf/baby daddy. You are the other man in this. You've accepted her lies and her hiding your existence to a large extent. There is nothing to ask of her or from her, because what this is has been blatant from day one. The real question is why did you put on blinders and decided to believe that this situation is something other than exactly what it looks like. Forget her and sort out what's going on with you and start being honest with yourself about that.

My ex was like this woman you think is your girlfriend. she cheated in secret with some guy for years.

He knew of me, but I didn't know of him.

If I were you I would out her to this man and move on.

She is a cake eater.

And do get checked for STDs. This may not be her first rodeo.

First off, thank you all for the good insight, it is much appreciated. When this relationship first started, I never expected all of these things to pile up. Of course, in any relationship we never expect things, they sort of...just happen. These types of things? No. I will also say that the circumstances in which this relationship began were rocky from the start and I took a huge gamble. I fell in love with her. I realize this is all on me, and as stated before I am not claiming to be a victim on my pity pot. I created this mess of my own, its on me. Well, I didnt create all of her mess, I chose to stay which created mine. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, it failed miserably. I am not angry at her or resent her for any of this. I am, however, beside myself as I hear objective viewpoints on this because thats why I came here. When things become so confusing and personal it is often very difficult to see the bigger picture. I didnt see the bigger picture, which you may ask, how the hell didnt you dude?! Agreed.

I spend a lot of time alone, I own my own house, I am constantly busy with work or projects and time gets the best of me which isnt all bad. I am an independent man, and do things the way I feel they should be done. I guess we can all faulter once in a while and not see things for what they are. I came here for perspective and I recieved that.

The thing that still gets me, which is likely why I continued to believe her true interest in me, is her ability to consistently make herself believable. It got me and it got me bad. She isnt a gold digger, she works her ass off, makes her own money and spends her own money. She is always thinking of me in little ways, getting me things I never thought I would need but end up needing. Every time she goes to store she is asking me if I need anything or something of that nature. So, to me, I always just assumed this was just some freak situation that someday would work itself out. Thats why I stayed, not for the favors or the flattery, but because it seemed the core of her being was good willed and thought of others first, always. This is why I fell in love with her, she seems to be a really special soul. I always assumed she didnt want to have her daughter around me because he didnt want me to be an influence on her which may supersede his guidance. In my brain that all makes sense, but again, what dont I know? Who is to say? I agree with all of your thoughts on this and I know what needs to be done. There is a bigger picture, the other side, so to speak that I know nothing of but only tid bits of filtered information that she knows I want to hear. The truth is a but it has always worked for me and sometimes you would love think others feel the same way but unfortunately we all have our own way of navigating through life. It just turns out I fell in love with someone that convinced me she was bad liar, only to realize that was the biggest lie of them all.

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