Relationship might be coming to an end

(LONG READ!)

Yesterday my boyfriend ignored me the entire day and the night before that he was acting a little strange. He made a post that said "I am sad" and went M.I.A for the rest of that night and the next day (yesterday). Today he came back and told me he disappeared because he felt like I didn't want to be with him anymore and he spent the entirety of yesterday sleeping and talking to his friend to numb his feelings. We talked it out, I didn't lash out or anything because I wasn't angry with him, and things went back to normal but only for a little bit.

About two hours ago he disappeared again, he had been disappearing on and off all day today so I decided I would just try to wait it out this time. I read a book to keep myself occupied in his absence, hoping he would be back by the time I was finished. Came back an hour later and still nothing from him. Since I was sleepy I decided to tell him goodnight and just go to bed.

Once I said goodnight he texted me back saying he's sorry and he'll be better one day. Eventually that turned into me expressing my concerns that he wasn't communicating with me and I would rather him tell me that he needs time alone instead of just going away. In response he said "I honestly feel like you don't want to be with me anymore" and again I told him that I do want to be with him and I genuinely love him and I'm only upset because I want him to communicate with me better (he claims he doesn't want to burden me with his problems but I assured him that he's never a burden and I'm always willing to listen to him and help him).

Some more words are said and he finally says that he just needs a break to clear his head and that he'll come back in maybe a week. I was completely understanding and told him that I will be sending a text every now and then so he can leave me on seen as a way of letting me know he's okay. He agreed to this.

So it's been about an hour now since he told me about the break, and now I'm fearing that he'll come back and tell me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He hasn't been seeming that interested lately in our conversations (this could just be because he's been feeling depressed in general), and he's been distancing himself from me a little bit. Since I'm also depressed and can't always pretend to be happy, he's developed a habit of putting his self down for not being able to make me happy (I always tell him that he does make me happy and he helps me out a lot, but mental health is something I have to fix on my own), and he believes he's not good enough for me. His only proof that makes him believe I don't think he's good enough is because he "feels" it, and I don't know how he does because he's more than good enough for me and I don't want him to change anything about himself.

It could be his depression that is making him feel this insecure, but I worry that this insecurity is so severe that he'll always feel bad around me and will decide that it'll be better for him to not be with me anymore. I've asked him if there's anything I do that makes him feel like I don't want him, he told me there's nothing I'm doing wrong so I don't know what to do.

Our relationship is pretty fresh, we've been together for five months and a half and we're long distance, but I do genuinely love him and I want to help him feel better and I don't want to lose him, but I'm very scared.

I'm sorry for this long read but my head is all over the place and I just need some advice to help me get through this. Are there any red flags signaling that this isn't going to work in the long run? Should I just relax and let things work themselves out? Do you think we can overcome this once he comes back? If even just one person replies that would help me out a lot. Again sorry for the long read, I'm new here so I'm not sure how long these are supposed to be

You said you’re long distance. Have you ever met him in person or is it all over the phone?

I feel like I need a little more background to give some solid advice.

I will say though when there is a change in behavior that is definitely a red flag.

Currently it's all through phone and facetiming, we've made plans to see each other on my birthday (July), though.

Have you met this guy?

How can you be in love with someone you haven't even met? Plus, it has only been 5 months. This is a fantasy relationship.

His behavior is strange. Why don't you meet someone local so you can have a real relationship. I will never get these online relationships, and being tied to a monitor..

Just because we've recently started dating doesn't mean that it's fantasy, and we've already arranged plans to meet each other and go on from there. I've tried meeting someone locally before this relationship and had no luck. I've had a hard time connecting with people in my area in general. All I want is some advice on how to deal with this, open mindedness would be appreciated.

You do not know this person. He is a stranger.

You are seeing some big red flags. There are problems here. You are lucky to see this early. If you had met in person, these things would have exhibited very early.

What should I do about these problems then? Should I wait until his mental health improves or should I just abandon the relationship altogether?

Abandon. This is not a good situation. Why would you proceed?

You do not know this person.

I agree that this relationships is coming to an end.

A long distance relationship is not a good thing for two depressed people. People often try to get into relationships when they are depressed as a way of finding someone to make them feel happy, it is the easiest way to feel happy, a band-aid over a festering sore. It makes it feel better for a while, but the sore keeps festering. Happiness must be found in oneself and should not be gained from another, and especially not from someone at distance. The loneliness of an LDR just adds to the depression. I know, I've been there after an LDR back when the internet was just getting going in the 90s.

He has stopped communicating, because he is not getting the intimate closeness from you he desires and is rethinking this relationship. When down so low in the dumps, having a voice at the end of the phone or on screen is not enough and likely he wants physical contact, just to hold this person he loves. But likely the realisation that he is likely a long way from being able to do that, and may only ever able to do it on special occasions is just making him more depressed.

I do think it best just to let it go. He is looking for more than just the connection that you both share, he wants something in person and realises he cannot have this with you at this time.

Sorry this is happening. Yes the red flags are that you have never met in person, he is chronically depressed and wants "a break" which is to let you down easy that he wants to breakup.

It's best that he seek treatment from his doctors and therapists. Don't play therapist. He asked for a break to collect himself and it would be best to respect that. Stop trying to fix him and let him have the space he's asking for.

I'm only upset because I want him to communicate with me better (he claims he doesn't want to burden me with his problems but I assured him that he's never a burden and I'm always willing to listen to him and help him).

 

we've been together for five months and a half and we're long distance

I agree with everything you've said, but we've already arranged plans to meet in person and they're set in stone, so I'm not entirely sure if it's a problem of lacking a physical connection if he already knows when we're going to be together

I've been avoiding playing therapist. I have told him times before that I'm always willing to help him but I'm not his therapist and I can't cure him, and he's never had a problem before with me telling him this. And don't worry, I am giving him the space he needs, it was just that one day I was very worried because it's unlike him to just disappear without telling me that he needs to be alone, so I wasn't sure if maybe something happened to him or not. He mentioned seeing a professional again so I'm hoping he follows through with it

How soon are the plans? How far away are you from each other? How are they 'set in stone"? Who is visiting whom? Do you think he's breaking up because he actually doesn't want to meet because he could be catfishing, married or not who he claims he is?

we've already arranged plans to meet in person and they're set in stone. he already knows when we're going to be together

The dates are in July, he's coming to visit me and then later on in the year I'll be visiting him, we've already made arrangements for where we'll be meeting and where we'll be staying and the exact dates. And we know that it's not some catfish thing, we have video calls very often and other ways to tell that we are who we say we are. I believe he maybe just wants to break up because this false narrative he's created in his head is making him think I don't want to be with him despite what I'm telling him, but I don't know why he's deciding my feelings for me despite everything I have told him. It could be due to his mental health that his insecurities have gradually gotten worse as his home life hasn't been the greatest. I'm not sure if I should just wait it out to see if things improve or if I should take his recent behavior as a sign that he's always going to be this way

It seems he may have something built up in his head or behind a screen and doesn't want an in person relationship or meet.This may be why he's backing out. This may be why there were no plans to meet sooner and he supposedly put this off for another 7 mos.

How far away is he, are there airfare tickets involved? It's doubtful he already paid for nonrefundable airline tickets or hotel reservations, so unfortunately he may back out.

The dates are in July, he's coming to visit me.

We've originally planned for March, but since my classes will be starting then we decided to move the date to when we'll both be available. He always talks about how eager he is to see me and how he can't wait so I don't think that's the problem. By plane he's two hours away, by car he's 16 hours away. I'm thinking he's built something in his head because he's said he's used to messing things up and he believes he's not good enough for me, but he keeps telling me there's nothing I'm doing to make him believe this yet he still believes it anyway because he "feels" it

How are the plans "carved in stone"?

Did he somehow book a ticket this far in advance that is impossible to cancel? What kind of ticket would that be?

I would not be surprised if he finds some excuse to not show up.

I consider the plans "set in stone" since we have a definitive plan of how we'll be meeting, but I've already mentioned how the fear of meeting me most likely isn't the problem due to past conversations we've had, and I don't think someone who is scared to meet someone else in person would keep talking about how eager they are to meet and physically be together. If he finds an excuse to not show up, that's fine, we'll deal with it when we get there but that's not the issue I'm trying to address right now. The main point is his insecurities. He seems set on believing I don't want him and I'm not sure if I should wait it out to see if his behavior changes or if this is a sign that he'll always feel this way.

You can't have a relationship where you see each other twice a year

This is just the first year, we are not planning to only see each other twice a year for our entire relationship. We're both college students so once we get a handle of our classes we plan on moving in together

Everyone seems to be focusing on the distance rather than what I'm asking help for which is his behavior which is based on insecurities and not distance, but I still appreciate the help I have gotten and I'll keep these things in mind. I have a clearer head and feel that I don't need any more tips. Thank you all for taking the time out to respond to me

he said "I honestly feel like you don't want to be with me anymore"

BIG red flag... he said it twice and then decided he wanted to take a break... he is very likely hiding something from you and has reached a point where he realizes he either needs to tell you or let you go.

Despite what you think, you don't really know him... people can say all sorts of things over texts and phone calls that may or may not be true. You say you aren't being catfished... maybe he is physically who he says he is, but how much do you really know about his life other than what he has told you?

Even if he isn't hiding something, it is a red flag that you want to try and fix his insecurity and depression by reassuring him that you aren't going anywhere. And the fact that he is relying on you to be his happiness drug is a red flag because he will eventually come to realize (as he may be doing now) that you can't fix his problems for him... he will need to do that for himself.

Sorry this is all unfolding like this. However the two are related. Him breaking up and the tentative plans to meet. All you can do is give him the space/break he's asking for and wait until he contacts you.

If he finds an excuse to not show up, that's fine, we'll deal with it when we get there but that's not the issue I'm trying to address right now. He seems set on believing I don't want him and I'm not sure if I should wait it out to see if his behavior changes or if this is a sign that he'll always feel this way.

Everyone seems to be focusing on the distance

The distance is irrelevant. The fact that you haven't yet met in person is what matters.

You're wasting your time.