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Thread: Confused - Boyfriend & I not having sex

  1. #1

    Confused - Boyfriend & I not having sex

    I am really confused. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years. In the beginning of our relationship we had the most amazing sex, but after about a year the sex just started to become less about me and more about him.
    I tried to speak with him and ask what was going on, whether it was something I was doing, something had changed, something was going on with him I didn't know what happened, anything. I basically got nothing, he said he would work on it but then swiftly forgot about it. I tried to speak to him over the years on varies occasions about it to try get answers but I never really got anything. I'm the one to always bring it up, and then I never hear anything back so I really feel like this is my own problem. He says he thinks about it all the time but I never hear anything so to me I just feel like he doesn't care.
    I felt like I was only having sex for him, it didn't feel like anything for me, so I stopped having it. Our sex life for the last 12+ month is non existent solely because the problem has spiralled and I always feel depressed after having sex with him.
    I've got to the point a year ago where I can't even please myself because I feel like it's just a reminder of how bad things are. I feel upset when I see a sex seen on TV/movie, anything that even slightly suggests sex or whenever anyone talks about it. I told him this over a year ago and also told him that it was really affecting me, that I wasn't pleasing myself, that I was depressed and I couldn't keep doing this.
    Last January one of our close friends separated and the reason that came out was that they weren't having sex and he finally got a fire in his belly and wanted to do something. So we tried a councillor but she didn't work out. I've started to feel like I'm pushing him away, I feel really frustrated by everything
    We went to a new person last night and which was our first session with a new lady. She thinks he has some kind of performance anxiety. She asked a lot of basic questions, but one of the questions she asked was if he watches porn, and does he masturbate to porn. He said yes, 3+ times a week.
    I get that guys watch it/masturbate, but the fact that we haven't had sex, he knew how much this was hurting him and he still doesn't seem to be affected really pisses me off. Its like in a way he doesn't even care that he's hurting me this much, just as long as he gets his rocks off.
    I feel so ashamed to hear that, like i've let this go on for so long and he couldn't care less. I just don't think it would have hurt me / piss me off as much to know that a year ago, I told him this situation was giving me mental issues. The fact that I felt awkward about touching myself, that it got me down, that I am depressed because of it and he is there jerking off without a care in the world.
    I want to know if I have a right to be pissed or I am just over reacting. I am just so angry I cant even look at him.

  2. #2
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    I believe you have the right to feel the way that you do. I would be upset as well. Have you guys thought about trying anything differently in the bedroom? Maybe trying something like a new kink might help bring the spark back. Have you asked what he thinks about when he watches porn? My boyfriend gets off to porn as well and he tells me he's able to get off because he imagines that the people he's watching are us if that makes sense.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Well, you've gone four years being unsatisfied in the relationship. Only you can decide if you want to end things now, realizing he doesn't care about your relationship happiness, or give the therapy time to work, which will likely take a minimum of a year if you both apply what the therapist suggests.

    Read some articles on porn addicts. Perhaps he is one. I've read scary things about how guys addicted to porn can no longer be aroused by a real live woman and that porn becomes their go-to, to be able to be turned on. It changes the neurons of the brain.

    If the therapy doesn't work, as one saying goes, "Don't cross the ocean for someone who won't even jump over a puddle for you."

  4. #4

    Reply to Andrina

    This is true. Our relationship aside from this has been amazing, its really in the last 12 months or so that things have gone really bad.
    I don't know where my head is, I was at the point where I told him he had until the end of last week to sort something. It just really irritates me when he turns around and ask why I don't do anything. Its like he's just buried his head in the sand with this and refuses to acknowledge it.
    I just didn't expect him to say about the porn and masturbating, I think I was shocked. The more I've thought about it, its just pissed me off and hurt me. I'm annoyed at him for knowing he's putting me through this and him being like nothings happened, and I'm even more annoyed at myself for letting it happen.
    I've asked him not to come home tonight and stay with a friend, I just feel so angry I don't know what I'll say when I see him.
    Last edited by BellSmith; 01-22-2019 at 01:44 AM.

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  6. #5
    Originally Posted by peachytwice
    I believe you have the right to feel the way that you do. I would be upset as well. Have you guys thought about trying anything differently in the bedroom? Maybe trying something like a new kink might help bring the spark back. Have you asked what he thinks about when he watches porn? My boyfriend gets off to porn as well and he tells me he's able to get off because he imagines that the people he's watching are us if that makes sense.
    You know I tried this before, I would wear outfits and things to try and spice things up. But it just felt like we couldn't have sex unless I had something on. It was 100% of the time, and then it just brings it back to me. Is it something I'm doing wrong. I'm adventurous in the bedroom and he is really almost shy, which is completely the opposite to what he is in everyday life.
    He only admitted that he watches porn to the councillor, I've asked him that question before and he wouldn't answer it. Just with the way he is, I doubt even if I ask him he would talk to me about it.
    He tells me all the time that he is still attracted to me. I know I am the one that is putting up the walls to stop us having sex, but I wasn't really getting any pleasure from it, so I came away from it feeling dirty and upset. So I stopped it. It was a cycle of me asking questions and then him saying he'll do something, only to do the exact same thing again. I hoped that me stopped having sex would get him to do something, but he's just let it keep going.
    I really want him to do something, to show me that this is as much of a problem for him as it is for me, because right now, I'm only the one that brings it up, it affects my mental health and I just feel like all he's even done is say I'll do something, which is nothing.
    I think I'm so annoyed to find out that he's been watching because I feel like a year ago when I told him how much it was hurting me and affecting me, he still didnt' do anything, then to find out he's been watching porn. I kind of think that it almost proves he doesn't really care that much, like its not a big deal if we have sex because he's going to get his rocks off elsewhere.
    In some ways I feel ashamed, disappointed, hurt, really pissed off, I don't know if like a roller coater of feelings.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    On the one hand, telling him to spend the night at a friend's house is telling him the enormity of the situation-possibly losing you. On the other hand, you went to therapy, and he decided to be truthful to maybe move forward into doing something about the problem, and you are now punishing him. If you want to work it out, you will have to suck it up and see if the therapy works, because if you punish him for being truthful, he won't be forthcoming in future sessions. If you feel like the bitterness of what's he's done has killed any love you have for him, go your separate ways.


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