My partner has a child but said she couldn’t support my children

I have four kids yes four which is a lot on it’s on to be honest however they don’t live with me directly and only see them on the weekend. My new partner has a child and we have been together about a year. Until recently everything has been amazing and we have decided to move in together however due to complications there may be a chance my four children have to live with us full time.

I spoke about this with my partner which I was shocked at the response as I have been upfront and honest from the beginning. The response was that my partner wouldn’t be able to cope with another four kids and we couldn’t move in together with my kids. I asked also if we had met and I already had the kids living with me would she have started dating me and the answer was no. I totally understand that four kids is a lot to take on but I was honest from the beginning. I feel like this is now something between us and things have not been the same since.

I am posting on here because I don’t really have anywhere to turn to for advice. I love this person but i am quite hurt that my kids now feel like a burden.

What do I do?

It is him or the kids.

Why did you not have custody of your children?

Well if you can spend more time with your kids, obviously you have to do that.

So now you need to decide if you wish to continue this relationship with each of you living in your own homes and seeing each other that way, or if you want to leave and try with someone else who is open to living with you and your children. Neither one is wrong.

Well to be quite honest and forthcoming, kids ARE a burden especially to a person who is not their parent yet placed in a position where they are to be a parental figure.

It's understandable that your partner is balking at living with your 4 children. Try to see it from her perspective and don't take it personally.

It's unfortunate that your relationship took this turn... it sounds like she was okay with you being a weekend dad but doesn't want the responsibility of being a step mom to 4 kids full time.

Your kids come first and if she doesn't get that she isn't the right woman for you.

I would break up. Kids come first.

Do you think though that it would be in the best interests for the children to be living with your partner and child , especially with them not being with you full time prior?

@hollyj

My previous partner to my children messed around and I finally decided to leave after trying twice to stay for the kids.

@itsallgrand

Life has a funny way of turning out to be honest and sometimes things that you thought may never happen do. Having said that my kids and my partners child get along really well.

It's unfortunate that your relationship took this turn... it sounds like she was okay with you being a weekend dad but doesn't want the responsibility of being a step mom to 4 kids full time.

 

Your kids come first and if she doesn't get that she isn't the right woman for you.

I totally understand where my partner is coming from but I have also took on responsibility for another child which I support willingly along side my own without question. My views on being in a relationship is that everything is a partnership regardless.

I fell in love with this person and I have been upfront and asked more then once about my children to make sure it was all on the table.

+1 for dump her

I understand that 4 kids is a lot (5 if you count hers) and I can understand her deciding she was ok with it since it was periodic... I totally get where she is coming from. But the reality is that they are your kids. Anything could have happened over time. Arguments between the kids and mom, medical issues, god fobid someone should pass away, etc. Of course it was a “risk” that they would come live with you and she should be welcoming them with open arms (even if she’s freaking out).

The notion that your girlfriend - a mother herself - would not do that for the man she loves... blah...

Go be with your kids and find a woman who feels excited and blessed with the package you bring to the table... even if it’s kind of a big package (lol)

I get her side but you're a package deal with your kids and kids come before any relationship so I'd leave this woman since she's not compatible with this situation.

My answer is no I could not take on someone else's 4 kids, along with my 1 kid. I'd expect to get dumped or else continue living apart from the person with the 4 kids. I truly could not handle 5 kids.

Having responsibility, at least to some extent, for four kids who aren't your own is a very tall order. I met a guy a few years ago who was great, we had loads in common and other circumstances I could have seen myself pursuing a relationship with him. I didn't do so because he had sole custody of five kids; I didn't take it any further because any relationship I had with him would always be secondary to the needs of his children - and quite rightly so. I have no children, have never wanted them, and wouldn't be prepared to act as a stepmother to a large family - mainly because I don't feel I have the skills or experience to do so.

When you met your partner, the children were not part of the full-time 'package'; now it looks as though they will be. This is a game-changer. It's not so much that they will be seen as a burden, but they would of necessity be part of a lifestyle which your partner has not signed up for. At least she's been honest about THAT, too. It would have been terrible for everyone if she had decided to move in with you, and then decided she couldn't cope. She is actually making a responsible decision and being honest about her own limitations.

So... either you pursue this relationship in the realisation that you will not be living together for the foreseeable future, or end it and find someone whose aspirations chime with yours.

There is no right or wrong here, but it's important you find someone on the same page as you. If being in a household with five children is a deal-breaker for her, then you need to find someone else who can cope. It's a very personal thing; for many women, having a partner who never wants kids would be a deal-breaker - for me, that's exactly the sort of man I'd be seeking out. There are no right or wrong views on this issue, but compatible views are crucial.

The best thing to do is consult an attorney regarding custody, visitation and child support. What are the complications that you may have full custody of your four children? Does she have full time custody of her child?

Unfortunately the decision to hold off moving in together is best. It seems you're incompatible and although she of course knew about your four children, most of the relationship was you having shared custody and you living in separate homes.

Going from dating single parents dating with each of you having certain custody arrangements to trying to move in together with a total of 5 children and 4 of them yours is a game changer..Who would be taking care of them and paying for everything? Have you discussed that? Are you both working and who is taking care of your children now?

I have four kids. only see them on the weekend. My new partner has a child and we have been together about a year. we have decided to move in together however due to complications there may be a chance my four children have to live with us full time. my partner wouldn’t be able to cope with another four kids and we couldn’t move in together.

I don't think the relationship has to end, but the idea of moving in together might have to for now.

The game has changed and forcing them into a situation before they are ready is not the best. And it may be a situation where over time they may be able to grow into being more comfortable and they may be more comfortable.

Being a sudden full time step parent to 1 child is one thing, to be suddenly step parent to 4 is a big ask. This does not mean that over time it can't be worked into.

I so also understand that you have been honest the entire time about the children, but was it ever establisher that moving in together might mean a full time step parent to 4 children? They have been perfectly honest with you also about the situation. It can be resolved, it just needs time.

You have been honest with her, but she is also being very honest with you. There is a big difference between your children not living with you and only visiting and you all moving in together into a household of 7 total. You should actually appreciate the fact that she has the maturity to know her personal limitations and the courage to tell you that she can't handle this before you all move and then realize that it's not going to work out. This is a drastic change to what she signed up for and she is being honest with you about that too. When you asked, she told you straight up that if you had your children full time when you met her, she wouldn't have gotten involved.

That said, I think the middle ground here would be to hold off on any moving in together with her and focus on settling in with your children and doing what's best for them. Maybe in time she'll discover that this isn't quite as she imagined and she can handle it or maybe you two will part ways in the end. Right now though, you both need to focus on your respective children and doing what's best for them. If this means parting ways, it is what it is. You'll find someone else who will be happy and embrace you and your children, as opposed to just a part time deal.

This is an unspoken issue.

This is why women have such a harder time dating as single parents than men do, because of the assumption that the children are mainly the mothers responsibility, she clearly portrayed herself as someone who was going to be your partner. I mean you dated for a year. But when push comes to shove she wanted you to play the role of step daddy while she had no plans of including your children in her life. She’s completely unworthy of your time.

I get it’s a lot. I couldn’t handle it, I won’t lie but the thing is the second you said you had four kids I would be out, I wouldn’t go along assuming you’d never be a full time parent. That just shows where her morals and love for you truly is. Sorry it seems you were there to fill a tile. Any person who seriously wants to be with you would accept and love your kids whether you had 1 or 10. You dodged a bullet, she showed her true colors, she’s be one of those step moms who never accepted her step children, those women and men are hazardous to your children’s life.

I seriously dont see the point of dating her. You have no long term potential, your children aren’t going to disappear and she’s telling you she can’t/won’t take them on. Non starter. She’s gotta go. Put your kids first.

I understand how you would feel hurt that she could feel burdened by the children that you love. But I can see why she doesn't want to move into that situation.

Four kids is a lot in and of itself, to say nothing of the inherited ex and ex-inlaws and all of their rules and expectations. Being a step parent can be a narrow rope to walk, and who wants to have to walk a narrow rope in their own home while being a parent to their own child?

I don't think that makes her a monster. The lady knows her limits.

You know, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can continue with your relationship and continue to live in separate residences. You've only been together for a year, anyway. Do you have to rush to move in? Heck, there are people on this board who think people shouldn't introduce their kids before the six-month mark.

Move in with 5 full-time after a year? Sheesh.

Ease into the situation.

One question: You say you were honest from the beginning, but honest about what? That you have four kids, or that full custody was imminent?