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Thread: Am I delusional for staying?

  1. #1
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    Am I delusional for staying?

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years. Everything is fine when it’s just the two of us. However, I have been cheated on plenty of times before and I really wanted to know whether or not he was really into our relationship.

    About 2 months in our relationship after we both agreed that we will be inclusive and that we are officially a couple, I had a week-long trip scheduled out of the country. During that time, he scheduled a trip to visit his friends out of state also. At that time, I had a feeling that something was going on. So I texted him using another person’s number pretending to be a girl from the city he is visiting that he had “talked” to before on those dating apps. His reply was an immediate “HEY! YOUR TIMING IS IMPECCABLE BECAUSE I AM ACTUALLY COMING TO VISIT!” He then continued to converse in a very flirty manner and was CLEARLY down to hook up (he sent a crotch pic). During that trip, I also found out that he did invite the girl he use to F around with to hang out as he told his friend that he wasn’t sure if he wanted “behave or not give a ” about our relationship. While I was on my trip, we were in constant contact until one night and he all of a sudden was not available. Ignored my calls and texts. He didn’t get back to me until a whole day later saying he was drinking and watching a movie with his buddy and his phone died. I knew of course that that was a lie because I’m not stupid. When I confronted him about what I know weeks later on, he said that nothing happened between the two of them and that they just all hung out at his friend’s house and drank. I of course still don’t believe him to this day, but I chose to give him another chance as it was still new in the relationship. But that is when he broke my trust and damaged the way I view him even to this day.

    During the months in our relationship, he had lied about several things mainly about his relationship with girls. I found out that he had a threesome with his bestfriend and his wife and is still open to doing again according to the texts that I’ve seen on his phone. He of course denies all of it and chucks it up as just normal guys talk. He also took me to his favorite local bar one day, and I had a really bad feeling that the bartenders were looking at me and talking about me (we sat at the bar). One of the teeny bopper bartender spilled a drink on my boyfriend’s side and came and clean it up while clearly making sure that her breasts was rubbing against his arm. I was like “what the hell is going on!?” Later on, I found out that he used to F around with those two bartenders in that bar. Needless to say, my boyfriend would be what you would call a “manwhore”. He admittedly slept with over 80 women and I know he believes it’s an accomplishment as he was just living his college life and having fun partying.

    Lately, our sex life have been very non-existent. We use to have sex a lot since he always bragged about having a high libido. But for the past 6 months or more, I have been the one to initiate any sexual activity and 90% of the time I get turned down (whether it’s because he’s too tired, too full, too late in the night, or just not in the mood). I also notice that even if we are having sex, he does not quite get to his “full potential” He barely gets hard and couldn’t keep it up. However, on his group texts with his “boys”, they always send each other pictures of Instagram wannabe “models” and tells each other which one they would and how these girls are so hot and he would “lick them all day”. I have brought that up with him before and again, he chucks it up as just boy’s talk and he wouldn’t really do that. I told him that it makes me feel disrespected. How he can look at other women with lust all day but can’t get it up for me. He said it has nothing to do with me and he’s just stressed and not happy with himself because of some issues he’s dealing with.

    He is scheduled to go on his annual trip with his friends. And all they talk about is going to strip clubs and finding dates to dinner. But I can’t tell him that I know all of this because I’m not suppose to be reading his messages because it’s an invasion of his privacy. I am one of those people that don’t believe in that. If we are in a truly honest relationship, It should not be an issue if I even touch your phone. He can definitely go through mine anytime because I have nothing to hide. It’s obvious why he doesn’t want me to go through his phone because of all the things he’s hiding.

    But with all this, I do love him. But I am not happy. And I just cannot trust him because of everything that I know. We have had several discussion when I told him that if he does not want a relationship with me anymore, then say so, and we can both stop wasting our time. He said he sometimes wants to be single because he just wants to be alone and have space, but he also doesn’t want to lose what we have. He said it has nothing to do with other women. I of course cannot believe this because all he talks about with his friends are ing other girls on Instagram.
    I am honestly going crazy. I just want him to be decent human being and actually know how to respect a relationship. He thinks nothing is ever a big deal because he’s not actually doing it. But contacting another girl so she can find them dates on this annual trip is already cheating in my eyes.

    Am I completely delusional in expecting that this is actually a good relationship? If, I don’t know what he does and say behind my back, things seem great (other than the dramatic decrease of sexual activity). I’m just so frustrated and just want a man who know respect and actually care about their SO and not have eyes and lustful thoughts towards other women. Is that too much to ask nowadays?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. You're not happy and so trust your gut. He sounds immature, indifferent and "wants to be single". Don't put more time and energy in a losing proposition like this. As soon as you cut your losses, you'll be free to date more mature guys who want a relationship.
    Originally Posted by tired123
    -Lately, our sex life have been very non-existent.
    -I am not happy.
    -He said he sometimes wants to be single because he just wants to be alone and have space

  3. #3
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    Yes, you are delusional. Break up, block, maybe get therapy to see why you would ever put up with a lying cheat and think this is live.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    What would he have to do to prove hes cheating?

    Serious question.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tired123
    But with all this, I do love him.
    Um, you sure? Real question.

    Because what you just described sounds a lot more like love's second cousin, that fiery thing known as hate. Sounds to me like you kind of hate him, and by proxy hate yourself, or large pieces of yourself, for being with him. Subtract all that hate and I suspect you'd find there isn't much of a relationship.

    Short answer, jumping to real talk: this whole thing is a mess and has been a mess for a long time.

    You set a honey trap early, and he went for the honey. That was the moment you should have (a) walked away or (b) genuinely put it behind you. You did neither. And so that very moment became the whole foundation for your relationship: paranoia, distrust, discomfort.

    I mean, I'm sorry, but the constant monitoring of his phone? The perpetual snooping? The social media inferring? Is that all not exhausting? More to the point: Does just going there not make you feel kind of terrible? Like, before we analyze him, can we take a moment to highlight that: Do you want to be this person, this bitter policewoman?

    As for him: he is who he is. He's shown you who he is many times over. What's to dissect? Dude likes female attention and Instagram models. Just as you wish dude could find the integrity switch inside him, he wishes you could find the chill switch.

    Because then everything would be perfect, for both of you, and sex would be great again. and everything would be love instead of hate. That's the hook, always just out of reach.

    But his integrity switch is buried under some very young dude like desires, at the moment, and probably won't be switched on anytime soon; meanwhile your chill switch will remain on "off" as long as you stay with him.

    That, at least, is what it looks like from these seats.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    What would he have to do to prove hes cheating?

    Serious question.
    We are together all the time. We spend every weekend together. On the weekdays, he has his son. We live in a city that he hates only because he's used to living the party life with his friends. All his friends are out of state so I'm pretty much all he have here because his family is also out of state. I know he's not cheating when he's here, but I am afraid that if given the opportunity, he will cheat (and I believe he has). I have confronted him about this before. I was direct to the point and sincere about it. He said if it ever get to the point where he would cheat, the relationship would've been over a long time. I know I am defending him and in denial. But I'm just over this at this point. And i think I really just want to hear it from someone else.

  8. #7
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I mean, I'm sorry, but the constant monitoring of his phone? The perpetual snooping? The social media inferring? Is that all not exhausting? More to the point: Does just going there not make you feel kind of terrible? Like, before we analyze him, can we take a moment to highlight that: Do you want to be this person, this bitter policewoman?
    That's exactly what I was thinking. I can't even imagine doing that - all that snooping etc. Just awful. That's not what a relationship is all about, and shouldn't be.

    You clearly don't trust him and without trust, you have nothing. Way too much paranoia. No point in staying with him any longer as this will never go away and you will forever continue on the snooping bandwagon - that is no way to live. Do BOTH of you a great favor and end it, so that he is free to live how he wishes, and you are free to find someone else.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tired123
    We are together all the time. We spend every weekend together. On the weekdays, he has his son. We live in a city that he hates only because he's used to living the party life with his friends. All his friends are out of state so I'm pretty much all he have here because his family is also out of state. I know he's not cheating when he's here, but I am afraid that if given the opportunity, he will cheat (and I believe he has). I have confronted him about this before. I was direct to the point and sincere about it. He said if it ever get to the point where he would cheat, the relationship would've been over a long time. I know I am defending him and in denial. But I'm just over this at this point. And i think I really just want to hear it from someone else.
    If I may, here's what's lurking just below the surface:

    Prior to him, you had some rough luck with some other dudes. You didn't quite process that, but instead decided that, the thing about dudes, is that they cheat on women. The trouble with this negative view of men is that it contradicted with something else inside of you, something even more primal: a desire for men, and to be a in a relationship with a man.

    And so with him you found a perfect vessel—a dude who seems very much like a cheat, and seemed this way from the moment you connected—where these two competing ideas can coexist in a state of constant testing. You half want him to prove you wrong, you half want him to prove you right. You get a certain sense of power and control if he cheats, but the price of that sense of power and control is feeling terrible.

    Unhealthy.

    Being cheated on sucks—I'm sorry for that in your past. I've been cheated on too. I know the sting. But you don't remedy that pain by picking someone you think is going to deliver another dose and then breaking your back to make sure they don't.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    That's exactly what I was thinking. I can't even imagine doing that - all that snooping etc. Just awful. That's not what a relationship is all about, and shouldn't be.

    You clearly don't trust him and without trust, you have nothing. Way too much paranoia. No point in staying with him any longer as this will never go away and you will forever continue on the snooping bandwagon - that is no way to live. Do BOTH of you a great favor and end it, so that he is free to live how he wishes, and you are free to find someone else.
    You know, I do hate myself for doing it. But at the same time, I don't want to be another fool that believes everything that is said to me. I wouldn't have done it to begin with if I didn't have a gut feeling that something is wrong. It's tiring and exhausting. Having someone who is so nice in person, and yet so deceiving and act like a complete pig behind your back. If I didn't read his messages, then I wouldn't have known about it and would've been fooled into thinking, he's perfect. But since I know the truth, every action now has a reasoning behind it. Everytime I bring it up, it's always just "guys talk" and it doesn't mean anything. I just want to know if that's normal. Because I don't think any normal grown man who is in a relationship should be doing that.

  11. #10
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    This is the saddest post I’ve read on this site thus far. I’m really sorry to hear that you are going through all these challenges in your relationship. I just want to give you my genuine advice and even though it might be hard to take all the advice we will all give you on here, please do your best to try.

    Based on what I just read, I believe the best thing to do is to completely walk away from this relationship for your own peace of mind. This man has clearly shown you that he does not want this relationship anymore. Subconciously, he has checked out, hence not being able to get aroused before & during sex.

    He constantly cheats on you with women from his past and new women and that to me shows that he isn’t ready for a commitment. You are going to have to walk away till he is ready to change for the BETTER and if he never changes then you guys were never meant to be and that’s the reality of things.

    Please do yourself a huge favor and preserve the self-love and dignity you have left and walk away. Focus on God if you know who He is, on yourself and other important things in your life. At the end, you are the only one on earth that will love and have your own back 100% so don’t abandon yourself. Don’t put your happiness and value in another person’s hands. Good luck with everything and be strong!
    Last edited by BlueBattle; 01-21-2019 at 05:55 PM.

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