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Thread: Am I delusional for staying?

  1. #41
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    There was a thread recently created (no names) by a woman who creates her own negative experiences by behaving in ways that would cause the most decent trustful man to become turned off and act "shady" in her eyes.

    She then creates a thread asking why all men are d-bags who can't be trusted and ultimately reject her.

    Not even realizing it was her own insecure, distrustful behaviour that caused their rejection.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 01-27-2019 at 06:41 PM.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    That's interesting bc.

    Could it also be possible for a distrustful insecure person to manifest their own negative experiences?

    Meaning their own distrust and insecurity might cause/turn an otherwise trustful partner into a distrustful one by virture of their own needy, insecure behavior, unwarranted accusations etc?

    Their partner becomes turned off, loses interest, and thus begins behaving "shady" (in their insecure partner's eyes)' which only serves to increase the person's distrust after which he/she can cry -- see I knew he/she wasn't to be trusted!!

    When it was their own distrustful and insecure behavior that caused it, the very thing they feared and were trying to avoid.

    A self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts?
    I agree, makes perfect sense BC

    As for the self fulfilling prophecy I think that only works with children. what I mean is stricter parents tend to have sneakier children. They create what they’re trying to prevent.

    When it comes to partners. I think it drives away non shady people.

    I mentioned briefly that’s why i broke it off with the guy I was dating in 2017, at first it was cute, then he got warned about it last time I was done. It’s not at all fun to deal with, if I’m not doing anything to be considered untrustworthy but you’re accusing me of it anyway, no thanks it gets old quick. I think it drives trustworthy people away while untrustworthy people are like ‘hey! I found a sparing partner!’ They kinda need eachoher I think. Kinda like a version of codependency.

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23

    [When it comes to partners. I think it drives away non shady people.

    I mentioned briefly that’s why i broke it off with the guy I was dating in 2017, at first it was cute, then he got warned about it last time I was done. It’s not at all fun to deal with, if I’m not doing anything to be considered untrustworthy but you’re accusing me of it anyway, no thanks it gets old quick.
    This^ is exactly what I meant though fio. I mean like exactly.

    You were trustworthy and liked him, but your partner's insecurites and distrust drove you away.

    So now in his insecure distrustful mind, you were not to be trusted after all, because you broke up with him, thus confirming his fears. And he can continue to play victim. Crying no woman can be trusted!

    Not realizing it was his own insecure distrustful behaviour that drove you away. His own behaviour drove him to the very thing he feared the most and was insecure about.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 01-27-2019 at 09:52 PM.

  4. #44
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    What bc posted makes sense, and happens. Except I am wondering how someone consciously (or subconsciously?) searches out shady people, do they carry a certain vibe or something? Beware, I am not to be trusted! Lol

    Distrustful shady people are experts at putting up a good front, getting people to trust them.

    Then once that happens -- they earn their partners trust -- their true colours begin to surface, but by then the distrustful person is already attached.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    What bc posted makes sense, and happens. Except I am wondering how someone consciously (or subconsciously?) searches out shady people, do they carry a certain vibe or something? Beware, I am not to be trusted! Lol

    Distrustful shady people are experts at putting up a good front, getting people to trust them.

    Then once that happens -- they earn their partners trust -- their true colours begin to surface, but by then the distrustful person is already attached.
    Alright, I'll go here a bit more, in relation to this thread.

    Not to throw a wrench into things, but from what OP has described this guy's behavior isn't really cheating. Piggish? Sure. Basic? No doubt. Sh*t bf material? Duh. But repeatedly seeking out and putting it in places not her on a sociopath level? No.

    Maybe—maybe—there was some blurred-lines stuff during that early trip. As in: yeah, maybe he kind of "freaked out" about getting into something exclusive, made out and/or did whatever with an old hookup flame, then got back into things, committed.

    I'm not giving any of that a pass, but she did. She was "cool" with overlooking and/or addressing—except, well, she was not.

    Why am I rehashing this?

    Because not being cool with it was (I believe) what she (subconsciously) wanted, not just from him, but from dating in general. That's the power move, the move that reinforces a preconceived idea of men/people, which is the glue here. Dude has hardly put up a "front" of being trustworthy—shade worn on sleeve, from day one, and seen in snooping since.

    There was never trust, and that's the point. It is/was the lack of trust (and respect) that allowed the attachment to foster. Without that lack of trust—well, there's no there there.

    Look at the way she's described him. The bartender moment, say. In another (trusting) dynamic that's kind of whatever—some flighty who-cares that he hooked up with before he knew she existed and, yeah, she works at bar—and, yeah, for maybe a millisecond he liked some attention with a spilled drink. Not loaded, in short. Who, after all, was he with? Who, after all, did he go home with? Her.

    Meanwhile, who he is, where he's been before her—all that equals "man wh*re ." That he likes to look at pretty things on social media, behavior that puts him in a large subset of his gender—but, no, further evidence of his pathology, his shade, the very thing she wants to keep excavating.

    Because in that excavation there is power. False power, of course, because the price of it is pain and self-disempowerment. But it's the subconscious seeking out that power, that affirmation that men/people suck. The point of dating, really, is to keep affirming that.

    Think he doesn't know this is happening, consciously or not? Of course he does! And he has been trained to supply that power, in return for his own power. He is rewarded for being shady, and so he gets shadier. He is rewarded for being distrustful, and so he is never straightforward.

    It is a relationship that "works" because neither party ever has to look at themselves straight on in the mirror and address their own cracks.

    If on a shadiness sale of 1 to 10 he was a 4 when they met, being with her has brought him to an 8. If her level of distrust was at 4, being with him brought it back to a 9. What "works" is that they stir their bad sh*t, bring it to the surface.

    Psych 101. Toxic 101.

    It's what FiO's man was trying to do—he was trying to excavate her shade, because that was his "comfort" zone. But, alas, FiO (love ya!) has lived a life and is bored of BS. She didn't want to play the role of mirror to his BS. She wanted to be, you know, herself, the non-shady person she is and values and wants valued back. He, on the other hand, needed her to be distrustful in order to keep attaching...

  7. #46
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    That's some deep stuff bc, but in reading OP's initial post again, I see your point and fio's.

    I'm still a bit confused how she subconsciously searched him out though.

    But the fact she stayed after discovering what a distrustful shady character he was would certainly suggest she enjoys (and feels comfortable with) this sort of dynamic at least on some level, albeit subconsciously.

    I played the "cool girl" with my long term ex, but it wasn't any sort of power play on my part, I simply lacked proper boundaries back then, so adjusted and actually convinced myself I was cool with everything.

    Back then I described our relationship as nearly perfect (on a different forum). Major denial on my part. I describe it now as living in never-never land for almost six years.

    Nothing like what this guy did though, not even close. Even back then, and lack of strong boundaries, I never would have tolerated that. Dealbreaker, done, next even though I was crazy in love with him.

    So yeah, I get it bc, thanks for taking the time to clarify further.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 01-28-2019 at 02:10 PM.

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