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Thread: Am I delusional for staying?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Agree with you in everything but one thing - she set the trap and HE actually fell right in. If he was a decent guy, he wouldn't have told her "thanks but no thanks, I have a gf." What's really messed up here is that despite the fact that he fell right into the trap, she continues the relationship. That part I don't get. What's even the point of setting this kind of a trap if you are just going to ignore the result and carry on with the guy. You kind of lose your right to complain that you get cheated on, when you opt to stay in this kind of a "relationship".
    I wouldn't call it a trap. I had a feeling that he was already talking to someone for this trip. And I just did what I did going he would turn the fake girl down, I would've been happy. Obviously, it didn't turn out that way.

  2. #22
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    I can't understand why you are even with this guy! He has clearly cheated and lied repeatedly.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by tired123
    I feel like I give and give and give just to make him happy. I always had this stupid belief that if you give it your all in a relationship, then your partner should too. Because that is afterall what you're suppose to have, A PARTNERSHIP. Obviously that belief is false because somehow, I haven't met a man who is mature enough to have a real relationship. My bf is in his late 30s. I know maturity has nothing to do with age, but it still stings when you show someone you love them and you dont get the same respect in return.
    You should have dumped this creep, two months in.

    He does not respect you, and there is no trust. I think that your picker is really off. Many red flags, yet you plowed forward.

    End it.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Yes, apparently you are. Sorry.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tired123
    I wouldn't call it a trap. I had a feeling that he was already talking to someone for this trip. And I just did what I did going he would turn the fake girl down, I would've been happy. Obviously, it didn't turn out that way.
    Doesnít matter your motivations.

    Your entire thought process is completely backwards girl.

    Instead of having boundaries, you knew something wasnít right and instead of talking to him or recognizing you have trust issues ( warranted or not) you decided to act in a childish way. Adults trust adults walk away from situations that lack trust, adults who have trust issues face them.

    You instead chose to lie and trick him.

    And the irony is you STILL didnít leave.

    You canít sit here and defend the indefensible. And if your therapist missed your choices in men and trust issues you need a new therapist because Its shining bright like a diamond and Stevieís wonder could see it.

    Iím sorry youíre struggling, but you canít keep excusing this insanity. You gotta stop.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by tired123
    For the people that suggested counseling, been there done that. And I stayed single for a long time after my last relationship. I was single for 3 years and concentrated on myself. When I met my current boyfriend, I thought he was great. We dont live together because he believes we are not at that stage yet. He is great in other aspects. He's very clean, he cooks, he's very mild mannered. I don't think I've ever seen him mad. Even when I discuss issues with him, he's very non chalant. He said it takes a lot for him to get angry which was a breath of fresh air from my previous relationship who was willing to fight and argue with anyone who does not agree with his opinion.

    Yes, I agree. This is my own self made hell. If I don't know all the stuff he does behind my back, I would be clueless and just think everything is fine. Let me also mention that from the very beginning, he told me I can go through his phone at any given time because he had nothing to hide. I guess he didn't think I would actually do it.

    During our first year of dating, he was laid off, I helped support him and paid some of his bills, because again, that's what partners do. I did not once complain about doing any of that for him. But now he owes me a little under 10k and still I give him time to pay. Meanwhile, he's planning all this party trips with his friends and willing to spend all his money on alcohol, gambling, and strippers instead of paying me back first. Yes I know, I'm an idiot. But please be gentle. Because I am really struggling.
    Really! You have been supporting this guy the majority of the time! Not only is a lying cheat, he is also a parasite. And, he spends the money on alcohol an gambling. You really need to wake up! Good Lord, your self esteem is in the toilet.

    Lastly, I would NOT support anyone I was dating. i would help support my husband if he were out of work temporarily, but not a bf. I am not his mother. Your thinking is really off. Why would ever think think that you are supposed to support him? Especially, since you started dating. Shaking head.

    He does not care about or respect you.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by tired123
    I feel like I give and give and give just to make him happy. I always had this stupid belief that if you give it your all in a relationship, then your partner should too. Because that is afterall what you're suppose to have, A PARTNERSHIP. Obviously that belief is false because somehow, I haven't met a man who is mature enough to have a real relationship. My bf is in his late 30s. I know maturity has nothing to do with age, but it still stings when you show someone you love them and you dont get the same respect in return.
    I believe, too, you should give and give in a relationship. With some qualifications. When you start to sense that gut feeling that you are being taken advantage of, it's time to quit with the giving. When you find yourself giving, not freely, but in the hope of receiving something in return, it's time to quit with the giving. Then it means your giving is actually an unacknowledged bribe, to make up for deficiencies you unconsciously think you lack. It's manipulative and will ultimately leave you feeling empty and victimised.

    The best relationships are where both parties are givers, and you have established quite clearly that he is a taker. This is who he is - and it's not going to change.

    Other than that, you don't trust him - and with good reason. To be honest, it sounds as though you're hanging on in a relationship where you're eating your heart out and getting very little apart from pain - and waiting and hoping he'll change and then you can be happy. I wonder if you have internalised some messages about the way relationships are, and the way men are, which are really not serving you well. If you were looking at guys in their late teens, then you wouldn't expect to find someone 'mature enough to have a real relationship'; but two decades later there should be plenty of them around.

    People who are more emotionally healthy will sense the neediness behind the giving, and it will feel like a trap to them; they will intuitively avoid, which is probably why your experience of men has been so disappointing.

    Where it all needs to start is with your own sense of self, and having confidence in that. This is not going to happen while you're involved with a guy like this.

    P.S. If you've had counselling, and still find it difficult to shake off a relationship like this, think about joining one of the 12-Step Programs. If other people's drinking/drug abuse has been a feature of your life, try Alanon. If not, and your only issue is the desire to have healthy relationships, try CoDA. My experience was that I'd had years of therapy, but it was only in these programs that the real, underlying issues were really addressed. And they're free!

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It may be time to reflect and reconsider why you are in this "relationship" and why you don't end it and pursue something more satisfying and less "exhausting and tiring".
    Originally Posted by tired123
    I don't want to be another fool that believes everything that is said to me.

    It's tiring and exhausting.

    Having someone who is so nice in person, and yet so deceiving and act like a complete pig behind your back.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tired123
    I wouldn't call it a trap. I had a feeling that he was already talking to someone for this trip. And I just did what I did going he would turn the fake girl down, I would've been happy. Obviously, it didn't turn out that way.
    OK, but when it didn't turn out that way, why did you stay anyway? This is the critical question you must answer for yourself and figure out. What is it that hooks you and keeps you stuck in these bad relationships with cheaters?

  11. #30
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    I donít believe this is your fault or anything you have done wrong. So sorry youíre struggling.

    This situation isnít likely to improve. The trust is already broken. What is a relationship without trust? Do you really want to go through this all of the time?

    You deserve for someone to treat you right. Donít settle for this. Have a talk with him about your relationship and how you feel..about the sex and just him overall disrespecting you. Never tell him about reading the messages. You don t want to tip your hand..thatís always a bad idea.....always trust your gut. Your gut is telling you heís not right for you..I would listen to that..

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