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Thread: Am I delusional for staying?

  1. #11
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    sorry, but this started off badly. If you catfished the guy at the very beginning -- clearly you have boundary issues and he has cheating issues (if you suspect he is cheating, you should have just been straight up about it instead of creating a trap. (. yes, you are delusional for staying. I can't believe you stayed, in fact. And he is open to another threesome? I would gain some self respect and walk away

  2. #12
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tired123
    We are together all the time. We spend every weekend together. On the weekdays, he has his son. We live in a city that he hates only because he's used to living the party life with his friends. All his friends are out of state so I'm pretty much all he have here because his family is also out of state. I know he's not cheating when he's here, but I am afraid that if given the opportunity, he will cheat (and I believe he has). I have confronted him about this before. I was direct to the point and sincere about it. He said if it ever get to the point where he would cheat, the relationship would've been over a long time. I know I am defending him and in denial. But I'm just over this at this point. And i think I really just want to hear it from someone else.
    According to YOU he is cheating on you.

    But apparently you believe you need to catch his p**** in another girl before you believe it.

    Like Madea says, Id rather be alone by myself with a puppy and a goldfish and be happy than living in a home with no peace.

    Look you inadvertently let us know this is how you operate, you said you see nothing wrong with invading your partners privacy, the boundaries you are breaking... the stress you are under for what? Like blue said, are you sure you love him? Because love is built on a foundation of trust and communication and respect, the both of you have none of those, so I have another honest question for you, what are you getting out of this?

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by NancyBlue
    This is the saddest post Iíve read on this site thus far. Iím really sorry to hear that you are going through all these challenges in your relationship. I just want to give you my genuine advice and even though it might be hard to take all the advice we will all give you on here, please do your best to try.

    Based on what I just read, I believe the best thing to do is to completely walk away from this relationship for your own peace of mind. This man has clearly shown you that he does not want this relationship anymore. Subconciously, he has checked out, hence not being able to get aroused.

    He constantly cheats on you with women from his past and new women and that to me shows that he isnít ready for a commitment. You are going to have to walk away till he is ready to change for the BETTER and if he never changes then you guys were never meant to be and thatís the reality of things.

    Please do yourself a huge favor and preserve the self-love and dignity you have left and walk away. Focus on God if you know who He is, on yourself and other important things in your life. At the end, you are the only one on earth that will love and have your own back 100% so donít abandon yourself. Donít put your happiness and value in another personís hands. Good luck with everything and be strong!
    I feel like I give and give and give just to make him happy. I always had this stupid belief that if you give it your all in a relationship, then your partner should too. Because that is afterall what you're suppose to have, A PARTNERSHIP. Obviously that belief is false because somehow, I haven't met a man who is mature enough to have a real relationship. My bf is in his late 30s. I know maturity has nothing to do with age, but it still stings when you show someone you love them and you dont get the same respect in return.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    So early on you had a gut feeling that this guy is a cheater. You set him up and he PROVED you right. You continue to stay and simply engage in this completely insane, toxic, cat and mouse game of policing and controlling his every move....or trying to and then telling yourself that if you police and control, you'll stop him from cheating. Talk about living in a self created, self fulfilling nightmare.

    If you don't want to be cheated on, then don't date a guy who SHOWED you he will cheat. It's.that.simple. Dump him and get some counseling for the baggage you are carrying from this and all your other previous relationships. Be honest with yourself - you are the common denominator in that you are picking these men and choosing to stay with them despite glaring evidence about who they are. It's really painful to read your story. Stop the madness, get out of this. Do not date for awhile and seriously invest in counseling to get your picker sorted and your idea of what a relationship looks like sorted as well. This isn't love and this isn't a relationship. This is a sick game of prison warden and prisoner.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tired123
    You know, I do hate myself for doing it. But at the same time, I don't want to be another fool that believes everything that is said to me. I wouldn't have done it to begin with if I didn't have a gut feeling that something is wrong. It's tiring and exhausting. Having someone who is so nice in person, and yet so deceiving and act like a complete pig behind your back. If I didn't read his messages, then I wouldn't have known about it and would've been fooled into thinking, he's perfect. But since I know the truth, every action now has a reasoning behind it. Everytime I bring it up, it's always just "guys talk" and it doesn't mean anything. I just want to know if that's normal. Because I don't think any normal grown man who is in a relationship should be doing that.
    There is a fine line between not wanting to believe everything that is said and searching for reasons to not believe people. After all, early on, he was not cheating on you, or edging toward cheating, by texting another woman. He was texting you, posing as another woman.

    You were both, in that moment, deceiving the other. That was the crack in foundation of the house, from the day you guys moved in. Cracks expand under weight; they don't just go away.

    Now, I don't say any of that to excuse his behavior. His behavior was not cool. But neither was yoursólike, at all. It came from a deep well of distrust that predated him, and no man, no matter how pious, will survive under that kind of scrutiny. No relationship will expand, with love, when that is the lens you view things through.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tired123
    I feel like I give and give and give just to make him happy. I always had this stupid belief that if you give it your all in a relationship, then your partner should too. Because that is afterall what you're suppose to have, A PARTNERSHIP. Obviously that belief is false because somehow, I haven't met a man who is mature enough to have a real relationship. My bf is in his late 30s. I know maturity has nothing to do with age, but it still stings when you show someone you love them and you dont get the same respect in return.
    Yes it does, A LOT.

    Ive been there done that got the tshirt.

    This isnt love, and relationships arent this hard.

    I know you feel cursed but the cold hard truth is you are seeking out these men.

    Something about this dynamic is attracting you.

    Please spend sometime alone, see a therapist or at least some self help books about boundaries and healthy relationships.

    This isnt it.

    Nancy if youre reading this goes for you too dear.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    So early on you had a gut feeling that this guy is a cheater. You set him up and he PROVED you right. You continue to stay and simply engage in this completely insane, toxic, cat and mouse game of policing and controlling his every move....or trying to and then telling yourself that if you police and control, you'll stop him from cheating. Talk about living in a self created, self fulfilling nightmare.

    If you don't want to be cheated on, then don't date a guy who SHOWED you he will cheat. It's.that.simple. Dump him and get some counseling for the baggage you are carrying from this and all your other previous relationships. Be honest with yourself - you are the common denominator in that you are picking these men and choosing to stay with them despite glaring evidence about who they are. It's really painful to read your story. Stop the madness, get out of this. Do not date for awhile and seriously invest in counseling to get your picker sorted and your idea of what a relationship looks like sorted as well. This isn't love and this isn't a relationship. This is a sick game of prison warden and prisoner.
    THIS!

    Watch day time talk shows, there are women and men out there who are incredibly attracted to this dynamic, they do it for years.

    Please seek help.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tired123
    I feel like I give and give and give just to make him happy. I always had this stupid belief that if you give it your all in a relationship, then your partner should too. Because that is afterall what you're suppose to have, A PARTNERSHIP. Obviously that belief is false because somehow, I haven't met a man who is mature enough to have a real relationship. My bf is in his late 30s. I know maturity has nothing to do with age, but it still stings when you show someone you love them and you dont get the same respect in return.
    Do you know what all that giving looks like to him? It looks like constant judgement and suspicion. The same thing that is exhausting you is exhausting him. You exhaust the sh*t out of the other, and have for some time.

    Here's the thing about this kind of exhaustion: early on it can feel like something else, like depth and heat, and that feeling becomes intoxicating. Break that word down and you distill the essence: toxic.

    Which is what this is.

    You don't respect him, and haven't from the moment you got involved. People do not generally show respect to people who disrespect them. They show fangs instead. You show fangs by policing, he shows them back in his own frat boy ways. That everything stays more or less the same rewards both of your fang-like behavior, your lesser selves.

    That's a dynamic you guys built together, not something he did to you.

    I know that sounds harsh, and I'm sorry for your pain. You DON'T deserve this, make no mistake. You DO deserve love, respect, and commitment in a way that makes you feel safe.

    But you don't get that by setting traps. You get trapped.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Do you know what all that giving looks like to him? It looks like constant judgement and suspicion. The same thing that is exhausting you is exhausting him. You exhaust the sh*t out of the other, and have for some time.

    Here's the thing about this kind of exhaustion: early on it can feel like something else, like depth and heat, and that feeling becomes intoxicating. Break that word down and you distill the essence: toxic.

    Which is what this is.

    You don't respect him, and haven't from the moment you got involved. People do not generally show respect to people who disrespect them. They show fangs instead. You show fangs by policing, he shows them back in his own frat boy ways. That everything stays more or less the same rewards both of your fang-like behavior, your lesser selves.

    That's a dynamic you guys built together, not something he did to you.

    I know that sounds harsh, and I'm sorry for your pain. You DON'T deserve this, make no mistake. You DO deserve love, respect, and commitment in a way that makes you feel safe.

    But you don't get that by setting traps. You get trapped.
    Agree with you in everything but one thing - she set the trap and HE actually fell right in. If he was a decent guy, he wouldn't have told her "thanks but no thanks, I have a gf." What's really messed up here is that despite the fact that he fell right into the trap, she continues the relationship. That part I don't get. What's even the point of setting this kind of a trap if you are just going to ignore the result and carry on with the guy. You kind of lose your right to complain that you get cheated on, when you opt to stay in this kind of a "relationship".

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    So early on you had a gut feeling that this guy is a cheater. You set him up and he PROVED you right. You continue to stay and simply engage in this completely insane, toxic, cat and mouse game of policing and controlling his every move....or trying to and then telling yourself that if you police and control, you'll stop him from cheating. Talk about living in a self created, self fulfilling nightmare.

    If you don't want to be cheated on, then don't date a guy who SHOWED you he will cheat. It's.that.simple. Dump him and get some counseling for the baggage you are carrying from this and all your other previous relationships. Be honest with yourself - you are the common denominator in that you are picking these men and choosing to stay with them despite glaring evidence about who they are. It's really painful to read your story. Stop the madness, get out of this. Do not date for awhile and seriously invest in counseling to get your picker sorted and your idea of what a relationship looks like sorted as well. This isn't love and this isn't a relationship. This is a sick game of prison warden and prisoner.
    For the people that suggested counseling, been there done that. And I stayed single for a long time after my last relationship. I was single for 3 years and concentrated on myself. When I met my current boyfriend, I thought he was great. We dont live together because he believes we are not at that stage yet. He is great in other aspects. He's very clean, he cooks, he's very mild mannered. I don't think I've ever seen him mad. Even when I discuss issues with him, he's very non chalant. He said it takes a lot for him to get angry which was a breath of fresh air from my previous relationship who was willing to fight and argue with anyone who does not agree with his opinion.

    Yes, I agree. This is my own self made hell. If I don't know all the stuff he does behind my back, I would be clueless and just think everything is fine. Let me also mention that from the very beginning, he told me I can go through his phone at any given time because he had nothing to hide. I guess he didn't think I would actually do it.

    During our first year of dating, he was laid off, I helped support him and paid some of his bills, because again, that's what partners do. I did not once complain about doing any of that for him. But now he owes me a little under 10k and still I give him time to pay. Meanwhile, he's planning all this party trips with his friends and willing to spend all his money on alcohol, gambling, and strippers instead of paying me back first. Yes I know, I'm an idiot. But please be gentle. Because I am really struggling.

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