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Thread: My husband wonít have sex with me and canít keep his promises

  1. #1

    My husband wonít have sex with me and canít keep his promises

    My husband and I just met January 2018 in AIT, or Army Training. We got married June 2018, so fast relationship. All was well and good until we moved in together. Up until October, we were living in separate states, since I was discharged from the army and he wasnít, so I was in Wisconsin and he was in North Carolina. Every time we were reunited, there was a lot of love and passion, but once we lived together and saw each other all the time, he stopped wanting me. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, I see his lack of intimacy as him not wanting me anymore, as me not being good enough for him, where he may as well just be struggling with the change in his life and not wanting sex. But itís more than just not wanting sex. He also makes promises to me, that heíll pay more attention to me, that heíll spend tomorrow with me, that weíll have sex tonight, and then never follows through. On top of this, he will get angry with me when I get upset. Again, I struggle with depression and anxiety, so I tend to overthink things and get upset easily. So basically, he breaks a promise, I get let down, I get upset, he gets angry that Iím upset, I get more upset that I made him angry, he softens until Iím calm again, becomes a soft, loving husband until I move on from the issue, and we never talk about it.
    Long story short, why wonít my husband be intimate with me, why canít he keep his promises, and what can I do to fix these issues?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Have you two thought about couples counselling?

    Also, are you receiving individual therapy/treatment for your depression and anxiety?

    Have you tried talking to him calmly about all of this? (not after it happens and you're disappointed and sad, but like taking some time to sit down and really talk about these issues and how you both feel and listening to each other)

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Do both of you have medical insurance through the military? Make an appointment with your doctor for a physical and a referral to a therapist. Also since you fast-tracked this marriage there seems to be a lot of adjustment issues that marital therapy may help with. This much marital discord, arguing and stress erodes intimacy and eroding intimacy generates more discord and stress. Start by treating your depression/anxiety. Then see a therapist on your own and a marital therapist with your husband.
    Originally Posted by AnnaRoses
    met January 2018 in AIT, or Army Training. We got married June 2018, so fast relationship.

    As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety. Again, I struggle with depression and anxiety.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Depression and anxiety are often a consequence of bad choices.

    Married in four months, and really only together four months?
    You may be in a non-marriage.

    Can you account for most of his time away from you?


  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    You were long distance and you jumped into marriage super fast. So what you are dealing with now is actually getting to know each other in day to day life and learning how to live together and it's not an easy process. You can't compare the excitement of when you would get together before with day to day life. It's like comparing what you do on vacation with your daily life. There is no comparison. Also, if you have anxiety and depression, it doesn't just affect you, it affects your partner badly as well and takes its toll on relationships. Please seek counseling and help for that.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    One of my closest friends is an army vet and while I don't know exactly what she went through, I do know from her stories that people who are veterans or currently serving in the army typically experience everything from anxiety and depression to PTSD when they are back in the civilian world. Add to this the huge adjustment of going from a LDR to living together and it's no wonder you are both struggling right now.

    You guys will need to have some patience with each other and allow yourselves the opportunity to process your feelings about these changes. Getting some therapy is probably a great place to start so you can learn how to communicate with each other in an accepting and non-judgmental way and learn to manage your anxiety.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Why were you discharged? I'm assuming you were chaptered out?

    If your AIT was desegregated, I can't imagine the husband's MOS is particularly trauma inducing, particularly with his limited service being stateside. I think it's less about him being a troop and more the fact you two got married after knowing each other five whole months. And, while not an excuse to lie, sometimes it's all people know how to do when backed into a corner by their partner's insecurities. If OP is unabashed about her depression and anxiety, guy's probably just throwing promises to placate her as Hail Marys. He falls through, the cycle continues.

    Honestly, it's probably worth seeing if you two can get an annulment. The terms get stricter in time, but even if you two want to keep seeing each other and trying to make it work, it'd be better for you to get the help you need and for him to settle into the Army before complicating things further with marriage.

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