Another try or separation? Gaslighting?

Hi everyone

This may be a long post while I try to explain everything. Please bear with me.

Basically, last January. I was out walking my dog. My neighbour caught up with me to tell me she had seen a woman taking photos of me. I thought it was strange. Told my husband. He said my neighbour must be mistaken. A month later. I had a letter through our door. From a woman my husband had been seeing for almost two years. I read it and fell to the floor. I had suspected him of lying and of things not adding up. Esp when I was on night shifts. But he had called me paranoid and made it so I thought I had a problem. Shouted at me for not trusting him etc.

I had been unhappy for a couple of years before this. I kept trying to talk to him. But he said he was sick of hearing it.

After the letter. He left her. We have been together 20 years. I am 40 next month. I tried so hard to be a better wife. But in April. He went back to her behind my back. Sat me down a few weeks later, and told me I meant nothing to him.

Then he left. A week later our dog died of a brain tumor. I couldn't get out of bed. Lost my job. In the end. I collapsed at the doctors surgery.

I had had a breakdown. A few Friends helped me. But they couldn't do much.

By this time, my husband wasn't getting along with the woman he left me for. I begged him for his help. Help to get me well. I really couldn't cope, or eat or sleep etc. He said yes, sorry, I'll help you. But then he went on holiday with her instead the next day.

Long story short. I kept trying to pull myself together. Get better. But he was constantly in touch. Telling me he didn't want to be with her. But then he stayed with her. He kept telling me he would make it all right. We'd start again. He'd make me happy. Two days later he'd change his mind.

He left her in November. I wouldn't have him back. Eventually I told him that if he could prove to me he'd changed. Love and support me and give me access to his messages etc. I'd try. But, he Continued going out with his friends drinking etc. Ignoring me.

Then, because I had borrowed money off him to manage during the bad times. He told me he couldn't consider being with me unless I pay him back. Because he resents me for it.

He actually resents me.

Personally. I find this disgusting and cruel. I do love him. But only because we were together so long I think. They way he treats me is awful. He thinks because he gave me a few lifts to the hospital lately, that it makes up for what he did. I told him again and again what my feelings are. That he'd need to really show me that he can be trusted, faithful, for me to consider being with him. He ignores all this and talks about the money and how he feels instead.

I am frustrated and hurt so much. He is almost making me believe it's my fault and I'm wrong again. I've no confidence in myself to know if I'm right or wrong. He says my feelings are wrong and it's all in my head that he's being horrible to me to do this. I honestly want to divorce him now. Walk away for good. No friendship. Nothing. I'm not getting better because he tears me apart. Please, anyone. Is it me? Thankyou for reading this xx

Divorce him. It wasn't your fault your husband turned out to be someone lacking in a basic conscience and being so cruel. No more begging, it isn't your fault. None of this was your problem. You need to get rid of him-he's the cause of all your torment and needs to be gone. He is incapable of being anything but selfish and deceitful. He won't change and won't improve. Just don't bother. You can and must move forwards without him.

Why do you love him?

He has lied, cheated, disrespected, insulted and emotionally abused you. I cannot fathom why you or the other woman put up with this d bag!

Seek an attorney and get him out of your life! Now! Stop allowing this man to treat you like garbage.

You need to consult a good divorce attorney, immediately.

In my opinion, there is nothing here worth saving anymore. Don't spend the next 20 years married to a man who doesn't give a crap about you.

He's gaslighting you because it's cheaper and more advantageous for him to cheat since you tolerate it than it is for you to divorce him. Stop talking to him. Ask friends and family to help you. See an attorney asap.

This guy is truly awful. Divorce him and dont look back. Sorry to hear you've been going through all this.

What an evil man.

I think you are in a place of deep grief and even habit, so your thinking isn't clear. There is nothing worth saving here. The problem is, you are sad and he is familiar.

I think it's going to be very difficult for you to move on, but you can do it.

Just put one foot in front of the other and focus on your freedom and your future.

Like Winston Churchill said, "If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING."

It's not on you to be a better wife or to try to make things better. He's an awful husband and an awful person in general. It's not going to get better. You need to find the strength in you to leave. Even if you're not ready now at least make an exit plan so that you can follow through without looking back. Also get an attorney.

Do you have friends and family you can count on and tell all this? In times like this it's important not to isolate yourself.

Be mighty and ditch that loser, the rest of your life is waiting for you.

Have a wander over to http://www.chumplady.com and get reading

Another vote for divorce. Yes, he is gaslighting you and sounds like he has been emotionally abusing you for years. Btw, he is your husband, what you and him make is marital property. You didn't borrow his money and you owe him nothing. He is wasting and who knows how much marital funds has wasted on his affair and he owes you for that. You need a good pitbull of a divorce lawyer who will actually straighten you out on your rights and what your cheating soon to be ex actually owes. A lawyer who will aggressively go get it for you. Wash your hands clean of this cheating, abusive man. Btw, cheaters don't cheat because you were somehow deficient - that's a huge myth. They cheat because they want to, out of a perverse selfishness and complete disregard for basic human decency.

My friend's husband was cheating on her, she found out, then he decided he wanted a divorce. He went to see an attorney. Suddenly he wanted to stay married and work things out.

Turns out the attorney had told him it was "cheaper to keep her". He chose to stay married and just keep having affairs.

Fortunately my friend found her missing backbone and filed for divorce herself.

Perhaps your husband decided to stay married and just keep having affairs.

I would give him the boot. See an attorney and file for divorce. Otherwise he will just keep cheating.

Darling, your story is awful. Please listen to the people on this forum when they say you deserve better than this cretin. He has treated you so horribly. Divorce him and turn all your attention to looking after yourself. Sending you much love. xxx