Family and alone time

My boyfriend always makes plans for us without asking me first. So we only hang out on weekends, so 2 times a week. I don't have much time with him as is but if I'm over his house, he will always make plans with his family and us without asking me if I'm up for that... Or he forgets to tell me there's a family party and I'll find out an hour before. I pack overnight bags to see him. I don't have any of my clothes in his closet but luckily I brought a good enough outfit that weekend for this family party.

This weekend I had the flu so we clearly said we were just staying in and having a lowkey weekend. I come out of the shower today ,he's on the phone with his mom saying what food she should bring, "see you at 5." I'm like wait....what? He knows I'm getting over the flu. It made no sense. He didn't see the big deal either.

But this is constant.... every weekend he does this. So I voiced my opinion plenty of times. He says it's my issue and takes it like I'm not social or something when I've spent 100s of times with them. My argument is he never asks me first. I'm thrown into things and we only have 2 days a week as is. He sees them during the week too when I'm not around. I don't know who is at fault here.

What is the best way to fix this situation? because I'm starting to get annoyed by it. I always tell him to make plans with me, not just spring things on me, but it doesnt sink in.

Don't go.

Why don't you initiate plans with him before the weekend? Why does he make all the plans.

Don't go.

 

Why don't you initiate plans with him before the weekend? Why does he make all the plans.

He is not stupid, he simply does not respect you, or your wishes. If you stopped going, you would show that he cannot walk all over you.

Tell him you are going to do something else and leave. You need to show him with action, that you will not tolerate this disrespect.

You could also stop going over on the weekends, and make plans with your friends.

Tell him you are going to do something else and leave. You need to show him with action, that you will not tolerate this disrespect.

 

You could also stop going over on the weekends, and make plans with your friends.

How long have you been dating this guy?

I would rethink this relationship.

How long have you been dating this guy?

 

I would rethink this relationship.

Haven't you been having problems with this guy all along?

Haven't you been having problems with this guy all along?

This has been going on for almost three years. I don't understand what you are looking for? We have all advised you to leave and you agree it is a toxic relationship.

I believe he never drives to you, or attends any of YOUR family functions?

"Originally Posted by Hollyj

Mandee,

Why do you continue to ask about this guy, if you have no intention of leaving him? We have all repeatedly advised you to end this. I don't it!

I'm in a toxic relationship . It's not as easy as you think even if that makes no sense . If you research about abusive relationships you would find that out.

I dont post here to vent or play victim... Then go back to him. I really really seek help here and this site helps me.

Leaving him is not the only way to show Ive learned. Every day I move closer to getting out of the situation and I feel that inside me. I dont have to prove that to anyone. But little by little by strength, experience, and advice on here it has helped me tremendously to re-wire me .

Any day now I will out of this situation. Until then I will take what I learned here and focus on me. Possibly get my own help so I dont wind up in future situations.

I see that people on here are fed up and not open to giving advice since they feel they gave me too much advice. Or I post too often and since I dont leave him it means Im not learning..I am learning in more ways than one. I also got to read up on lots of research that people have sent me on here.

When are you going to end this? What more do you need from the forum?

Yeah and then things would get good again. But it's always back and forth between good and bad behavior.

Then why do you continue to return? End it already!

" ghosted a narcissist.

I was dating a textbook narcissist for 17 months. I posted many things about our perplexing relationship. At the time I had no clue he could be a narcissist but with education and verification, I realized everything I went through was spot on narcissism and I was heavily involved with that abuse cycle. I started viewing him from that angle and never as a real potential partner. It was sad but it was true.

Even after the worst fights or the worst silent treatments, he always came back . It blew my mind. The only consistant thing in our relationship was he would return . My last post was about a party which he stood me up on. Silent treatment for 9 days. I never believed he could return after that and he did. He came back like nothing happened. He even managed to blame me as to why I got stood up by him. He always had a way to justify.... it was nuts. I told him off and I know I said I'd never answer but I had to blow up on him. That only led to more excuses why he didnt show up to the party. He even blamed his childhood for his today actions.

Its sad but I let him take me out for my birthday which was a few days later. It was ok but it wasnt great because it was centered around his wants, even on my bday. So yes he took me out but it was only places he wanted to try out. When i asked for something specific he said to take a raincheck for another day etc. That day never came . We had a fight on my bday, pretty heated. I lost my cool also which I never do. I figured that was it. He called me even after that like nothing happened. I actually answered because I was embarrassed of my own actions I wanted to smooth my reputation over.

So fast forward to the last day we spoke. He pissed me off again. He did a dumb thing again ignoring me and also silent treatment for 2 days for no reason. The typical behavior. I got real tired of it and I ghosted him out of nowhere. No explanation to him. I had to call up my phone carrier to put a block. I blocked all his numbers, fb page, his family's fb pages also. I then deleted them off my instagram. I ghosted 100 percent in the middle of a fight. For the record ive never done this nor would ever handle a breakup like this. Normally Id speak and there would be a talk etc but with this guy Im so mentally drained, I am actually sick.

I know everyone would agree with my ghosting but I will ask anyway. Do you think my ghosting is appropriate given my situation and history with this guy? Do you think I should carry it out forever given his narcissistic ways? Has anyone ever ghosted a bad guy/girl in their life and it became the best thing they could of done? Any feedback or opinion would be great. Thank you.

So far I feel good. But Im not a nasty or cold person by any means so my inner feels strange and even feels guilty. But i know thats just because ghosting is foreign to me especially a relationship this long. I just have to remind myself what hes done over and over to get me from feeling guilty and strange.

Quick reply to this message Reply Reply With Quote Reply With Quote Multi-Quote This Message "

Same one? Didn't he also cheat on you? You have no one blame but yourself for staying with this creep. You just continue to go back for more.

He's acting consistently with his lack of respect for you/your time. Why are you surprised?

He has shown you again and again, who he is.

Why do you come here if you have no intention of following anyone's advice, in almost three years? I think it is very disrespectful to all of us who have tried to help you, but you do not have any intention of helping yourself.

What do you get out of this forum? You are not listening to anyone.

This is not even the same man we are talking about here. That's an ex boyfriend prior to him. What's disturbing is you re sending 100 replies when I haven't answered any yet.

 

I returned to him with high hopes as he did fix alot of things regarding our relationship. So yeah I returned.. it looked promising to me. But once things are cleared up, new issues arise and that's the truth. So I gave it my best shot. Years, emotions put into it.

 

I'm allowed to ask a question on the forum just like anyone else. But this is the last reply I give you because you are quite rude in a helping environment.

Wish you could use that attitude with your abusive boyfriend... would save you a lot of trouble...

The fact that you expect us to keep advising you to leave over and over and over and over and over again is whats disturbing, like super disturbing...

Its time to speak up and have boundaries.

If you are at his house, he has the right to invite anyone he wants to his house at any time. If you invite him to your house and he says "oh i forgot a family party." say "have a good time, see you later".

It could be that he doesn't respect you, or it could be that he is bad at planning/forgets what he commits to.

But if you don't speak up and just go with the flow -- he could think you are fine with anything and are integrated into the family.

I would go out on dates. make a plan to go to such and such a place at such and such a time and if he says "let's meet my brother there". Say nope.

Ask this week "what parties or family functions do you have coming up this month?" if he says its a wedding or Grandma's 97th birthday party - don't be a jerk about that because you want 'alone' time. Go to Grandma's 97th birthday party. But on other things, you can go back to the "calendar" on and decide to opt out or reschedule with him for a different time. if you are together all day to the point you are taking a shower at his house, then there is some alone time going on

Wish you could use that attitude with your abusive boyfriend... would save you a lot of trouble...

 

The fact that you expect us to keep advising you to leave over and over and over and over and over again is whats disturbing, like super disturbing...

Yes! How many threads has she written about this guy!

Mandee, this guy will never change. He knows he doesn't have to because no matter how poorly he treats you, you stay.

You won't leave. He won't change.

So, how about accepting that you want this poor relationship and it will never get better? Obviously you get something out of being mistreated, so just go with it.

I can't for the life of me understand why you're still in this relationship.

He's not going to change, obviously. It's up to you whether you're willing to continue accepting this poor treatment, or walk away without the hopes that he will come find you. He doesn't care.

You need to get your own place so you stop "escaping" to his place every weekend to get away from home, your parents and boredom. He's treated you like dirt for eons but you persist because he has some cash and a place for you to camp out every weekend.

You're not a victim. Besides who runs over someone's home with the flu? It's his place and he can talk to or invite anyone he wants, if you don't like it stay home, make some friends, date higher quality men, get your own place, but do not camp out somewhere every weekend and impose so much so that they can't even make time for their own friends and family.

This weekend I had the flu so we clearly said we were just staying in and having a lowkey weekend. I come out of the shower today ,he's on the phone with his mom saying what food she should bring, "see you at 5." I'm like wait....what? He knows I'm getting over the flu.

My boyfriend always makes plans for us without asking me first. So we only hang out on weekends, so 2 times a week. I don't have much time with him as is but if I'm over his house, he will always make plans with his family and us without asking me if I'm up for that... Or he forgets to tell me there's a family party and I'll find out an hour before. I pack overnight bags to see him. I don't have any of my clothes in his closet but luckily I brought a good enough outfit that weekend for this family party.

 

This weekend I had the flu so we clearly said we were just staying in and having a lowkey weekend. I come out of the shower today ,he's on the phone with his mom saying what food she should bring, "see you at 5." I'm like wait....what? He knows I'm getting over the flu. It made no sense. He didn't see the big deal either.

 

But this is constant.... every weekend he does this. So I voiced my opinion plenty of times. He says it's my issue and takes it like I'm not social or something when I've spent 100s of times with them. My argument is he never asks me first. I'm thrown into things and we only have 2 days a week as is. He sees them during the week too when I'm not around. I don't know who is at fault here.

 

What is the best way to fix this situation? because I'm starting to get annoyed by it. I always tell him to make plans with me, not just spring things on me, but it doesnt sink in.

Sounds like you can't fix it. You can only endure it, or leave it.

You need to get your own place so you stop "escaping" to his place every weekend to get away from home, your parents and boredom. He's treated you like dirt for eons but you persist because he has some cash and a place for you to camp out every weekend.

 

You're not a victim. Besides who runs over someone's home with the flu? It's his place and he can talk to or invite anyone he wants, if you don't like it stay home, make some friends, date higher quality men, get your own place, but do not camp out somewhere every weekend and impose so much so that they can't even make time for their own friends and family.

According to the other posters it seems that this man has been disrespecting her for years and she always comes back.

As to the flu I don't get why spending time with a partner while you're sick. I always reschedule dates when I'm sick. I don't want my partner to be sick too or to have to take care of me when I'm at my worst health wise.

This situation won't be getting better as it hasn't for years. You either accept it or leave. No talking or negotiating seems to have effect.

Insert that quote about doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results.

I don't "escape" to his house. We both work, have busy lives. Weekends are the only time to see each other. Plus he won't drive to me. He invites me there for the weekend. I see his family about once a weekend. It's totally normal for me to expect alone time. I don't think anyone sees a guy's family as much as I do. We are always together some shape or form. I don't stop the man from seeing anyone. The man makes plans behind my back, all I want is for him to ask me or give a heads up. One minute we have plans to watch a movie since I didn't feel well, the next minute the gang is coming over in an hour which leaves me to entertain. Is anyone not seeing my point..

He asked ME to come over. He was fine with me being sick. I don't impose on people when I'm sick trust me on that.

Yeah I've been dealing with this guy for a while. Learned how to navigate his personality. I didn't write this to ask advice on leaving him. I asked on how to get him to ask me first about plans and not switch them on me.

I have accepted my situation , but he's also changed alot of his bad behaviors. So I'm hoping this is another thing we could work on.

 

This weekend I had the flu so we clearly said we were just staying in and having a lowkey weekend. I come out of the shower today ,he's on the phone with his mom saying what food she should bring, "see you at 5." I'm like wait....what? He knows I'm getting over the flu. It made no sense. He didn't see the big deal either.

 

But this is constant.... every weekend he does this. So I voiced my opinion plenty of times. He says it's my issue and takes it like I'm not social or something when I've spent 100s of times with them. My argument is he never asks me first. I'm thrown into things and we only have 2 days a week as is.

 

He sees them during the week too when I'm not around. I don't know who is at fault here.

 

What is the best way to fix this situation? because I'm starting to get annoyed by it. I always tell him to make plans with me, not just spring things on me, but it doesnt sink in.

First off mandee I am glad to hear the previous issues you were experiencing with him have resolved, that's awesome!

Re this situation, I agree with you, his behavior is rude and disrespectful and after voicing my boundaries and he continued, I would just leave.

Not break up with him necessarily, just leave his place and go back home.

You continuing to join him when he does this is enabling him to continue and sends the message you accept it.

Why can't you assertively talk to your boyfriend??

Many men don't listen to words, they listen to actions! What are your actions telling him? They tell him you accept it.

I think I said this in your previous threads but you need to get stronger and stand up to him. Versus walking on eggshells which it appears you are still doing.

What are you afraid will happen if you assertively stand up for yourself and strongly express your boundaries through your actions?

Personally, if my bf and I had made plans to watch a movie or have dinner or do anything else, whether at his or mine, and he arbitrarily went ahead and made other plans with his family or anyone else without asking me first, I'd be pissed!

I would go the first time, express my boundary later, and if it continued or he attempted to gaslight me by accusing me of being anti-social or something similar, man that would be so unacceptable I might even re-think the RL.

That's not even the point! The point is you and he had plans and he disrespected those plans by making new plans without checking with you first.

Did you explain this to him after he accused you of being non-social? He sounds like a bit of a bully and instead of continuing to stand up for yourself, you kowtow in fear of getting him mad!

This man sounds like a big manipulator and if you don't start getting stronger and standing up for yourself, these issues will continue to happen.

I don't think he respects you mandee I seriously don't. He sees you as weak, I'm sorry.

And what's with this over-attachment he has to his family? I mean every weekend, plus during the week?

What's up with that, that is weird! I assume he's a grown man?

This would concern me too.