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Thread: Ex partner of my partner

  1. #1
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    Ex partner of my partner

    I decided to start a new thread to be more relevant.
    I posted earlier about my new partner that he travelled aboroad alone and I wasn't sure about if he was still fully in.
    It turned out he offered to take me away for the weekend to celebrate my birthday. He arranged everything.
    I was over the moon until the day of the trip. He wanted to take a selfie of us and I noticed message popped out from a woman. It said " Be good and keep it warm".
    I was shocked. We both saw the message. I asked who was it. He said it was mother of his son. His son is now 26. He told me they are friends but nothing else. He said " please don't overthink, and ruin the weekend...it's nothing. Do you want to meet her or I can call her if you like "
    I had a choice back than - ruin the weekend ( it was 10 minutes after we started our weekend) or swallow and see. I chosen the latter as I knew he put effort to make my birthday special.
    However, this plays on my mind....he also has a 21 year old daughter with another ex. Apparently he is friendly with both. And when he had issues with his last partner, the first woman ( who texted ) helped him.
    I am gutted. What if this woman wants him back ? Be good and keep it warm you tell someone close to your heart that goes away ALONE.
    What to do ?
    Any help will be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
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    It’s simple. Either you trust him or you don’t.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like he's co-parenting and decided not to have contentious relationships with his kids' mothers. After all these years if he wanted to be with them he would be rather than treating you to a special bday weekend.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    If you have people becoming friends over common interests like basketball, I'd imagine it's possible to do so sharing children. I think we're plagued with the stereotype of the bitter divorce or former spouses wanting and having nothing to do with each other. In terms of numbers, that's probably fair enough. Still, plenty of people split understanding they'd make good friends but awful partners and carry on just so. Accept it or don't. It's perplexing such an innocuous text would set you off internally considering he was with you, treating you to a getaway for your birthday.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hate to say it, but I don't think this is going to work. Something about this dynamic just makes you too anxious, too insecure.

    I mean, I can try here (again) to offer some words to put things in perspective, but at the end of the day you don't trust him or this thing you're in. He tells you he's going on a trip and he's "MIA"—well, at least until he's not. Back from the trip he's cold and distant—well, at least until he's planning a weekend away for your birthday.

    I'm sorry, but on the surface this sounds to me like a healthy relationship, one where two adults see each other regularly, are in regularly contact, where one does something nice to celebrate the birthday of another, all while allowing for enough space and breathing room to still be themselves.

    Whether it's your "read" on him, the stuff about him liking the "chase," residue from the anxiety you felt while he was gone, and now this text message—something just isn't clicking, for you.

    As for the text: from the bleacher seats it sounds pretty harmless to me, especially given his reaction. Doesn't sound like he felt caught "red handed." Sounds like he's friends with the mothers of his children, which isn't a bad way to be. He even offered to quell things with a direct call to her in front of you—which, I have to say, is kind of an icky spot for two adults in a relationship to even be in. Still, kind of shows that he doesn't have anything to hide, no?

    That he is using certain language this early—"don't overthink," "don't ruin"—leads me to think he is well-aware of your anxieties. And, hey, maybe that's his thing. Maybe even your thing. An edgy little dynamic in which you get stressed and he lowers the stress. But I can't say it sounds like a very pleasing or sustainable one.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Not to press too much more, but here's something that really jumped out at me: how quickly you go from "over the moon" to "gutted."

    Is this just with him? With romance in general? With life?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    If you have people becoming friends over common interests like basketball, I'd imagine it's possible to do so sharing children. I think we're plagued with the stereotype of the bitter divorce or former spouses wanting and having nothing to do with each other. In terms of numbers, that's probably fair enough. Still, plenty of people split understanding they'd make good friends but awful partners and carry on just so. Accept it or don't. It's perplexing such an innocuous text would set you off internally considering he was with you, treating you to a getaway for your birthday.

    Agree. My parents divorced when I was a teenager. I'm now in my late twenties. They're friends and get along very well, but they're not together nor want to be together in that sense. There was no bitter co-parenting when it came to them.

    If he wanted to with his exes he would.

    I don't remember your previous threads, but I guess his trip made you insecure and so now everything triggers your insecurity.

  9. #8
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    I would see it as a positive that he has a civil relationship with the mothers of his children. I don't get your position.

    You are not ready to date. You have some serious insecurities and trust issues. Please seek counseling.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Not to press too much more, but here's something that really jumped out at me: how quickly you go from "over the moon" to "gutted."

    Is this just with him? With romance in general? With life?
    This stood out for me, too. If you're that easily derailed, then there isn't a man alive who can maintain your sense of security for you. This doesn't mean that you're not worthy, it just means that you're not ready.

    I'd consider working with a therapist, and that's not meant to be insulting.


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