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He has a girlfriend but wants to maintain a friendship with me.


BlueBattle

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I was in an 6 months love triangle with a guy who was my friend and a business partner. I knew about the other girl but he told me that he broke things off with her right before him and I got involved because he wasn’t ready for a relationship and she was. He rekindled things with her and never told me till I found out the truth through some mutual friends of the other girl and my best friend. I walked away after the truth came to light to both the girl & I that he was playing us. He told me that he ended things with her again after I walked away because he felt pressured by her to be in a relationship and he wasn’t ready. While him and I were dating, I didn’t want to force anything between us and was willing to go with a flow until we both were ready for something serious plus, I wasn’t going to pressure a man who was torn between 2 girls for a relationship knowing that he was indecisive. After everything came to light, he decided to keep to himself and find God but 2 months later in December 2018, he ended up with the other girl and never told me even though him and I still maintained a friendship but let our business partnership go after the breakup. We still kept in touch after I walked away, mainly because he was the one always reaching out to me, I never reached out to him. We were friends before we became lovers and I don’t feel right about still being in his life after all the lies, hurt and betrayal he put me through. He wasn’t even the one who told me about being back with the other girl, I found out through his co-worker while him and I were talking on the phone. His co-worker assumes that I was his girlfriend and made a comment. That’s when I asked him if he was in a relationship and he said yes! I told him that I didn’t want talk to him anymore since he is a relationship because the 3 of us were just involvedin a love triangle less than 3 months ago and I don’t think it is appropriate to talk on the phone for long hours like we do as friends. I wished him all the best and he said he respected my decision and that’s the last time I spoke to him. I am hurt that he couldn’t even tell me and that he went back to someone who he constantly said he didn’t want a relationship with. Did I do the right thing or does that come off as petty?

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I was in an 6 months love triangle with a guy who was my friend and a business partner. I knew about the other girl but he told me that he broke things off with her right before him and I got involved because he wasn’t ready for a relationship and she was.

 

You cant play victim here.

 

He had a huge flashing red warning sign shining bright like a diamond.

 

Im going to assume his p**** isnt made of gold so Im going to assume you have some self esteem issues to face before you start dating again.

 

No it is not petty to look out for your own wellbeing, you havent done that at all in this situation.Please start.

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No, the girl didn’t know about me, at least not as someone he was involved with. She only knew of me then as his business partner and as his friend. She didn’t find out about me ass his lover until my best friend and her best friend both exposed the truth to her and I. She wasn’t his girlfriend either at the time he was playing both of us. He left things vague with her to interpret their relationship however she wanted but to him, he wasn’t her boyfriend and felt pressured to commit to her that’s why he initially broke things off with her before he started pursuing me.

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You did the right thing to step out of this. Did his gf know about you?

 

No, the girl didn’t know about me, at least not as someone he was involved with. She only knew of me then as his business partner and as his friend. She didn’t find out about me ass his lover until my best friend and her best friend both exposed the truth to her and I. She wasn’t his girlfriend either at the time he was playing both of us. He left things vague with her to interpret their relationship however she wanted but to him, he wasn’t her boyfriend and felt pressured to commit to her that’s why he initially broke things off with her before he started pursuing me.

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You cant play victim here.

 

He had a huge flashing red warning sign shining bright like a diamond.

 

Im going to assume his p**** isnt made of gold so Im going to assume you have some self esteem issues to face before you start dating again.

 

No it is not petty to look out for your own wellbeing, you havent done that at all in this situation.Please start.

 

I do not have a self esteem issues. He wasn’t seeing the other girl when we started getting involved so I didn’t have a reason to think he was going to lie and betray me the way that he did. I appreciate the positive party of your advice but it is unnecessary to give someone an advice and be hurtful about it. Next time, if you do not have any nice thing to say to someone who is already hurting and is asking for an advice then don’t say nothing at all. I didn’t come on here for you to add fuel to fire about a mistake I already made. Thanks!

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I can't fathom why you doubt your decision - even for a moment - to walk away.

 

This guy has no respect for you and played with you all along. How is it petty to cut someone like that out of your life?

 

I asked if it was petty because he apologized and asked to be friends since we were initially friends and business partners before we became lovers. But I understand now that just because he apologized doesn’t mean that I should accept him into my life as a friend. Sometimes, we let love overshadow our judgment. Thank you for your advice, I will maintain my dignity by keeping the door shut on him.

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Hopefully you'll maintain your self-respect, and leave this snake in the dust.

 

Yes, I intend to keep the door shut on him to maintain my self-respect. I have deleted his number, all our messages, email and have gotten rid of everything he ever gave me and even stopped being his business partner. We were friends before we became lovers that’s why I posted this question because friendships sometimes last longer than relationships and I cherish my friendships but I have realized that he didn’t respect me even as a friend so I shouldn’t hold on to that either if I have let everything else (business, love relationship) that I had with him go. Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it.

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You shouldn't have wanted to talk to him, because he was a complete sleaze bag. liar and cheat!

 

Friends do not behave in this manner. You should have cut him off sooner.

 

Yes, I should have cut him off t when I first found out that he was still involved with the other girl but he had a lot of excuses , apologized and told me he wasn’t involved with her anymore. I shouldn’t have agreed to stay friends & should have walked away the second time when both the girl and I found out that he was playing us. Often times, we let feelings overshadow our judgement but this time, I promise I am done and I’m not looking back. Thank you so much for your input.

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I knew about the other girl but he told me that he broke things off with her right before him and I got involved because he wasn’t ready for a relationship and she was.
So you knew that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. That would have been enough for me to not get involved past friendship with him. Did you not pick up on that?

I didn’t want to force anything between us and was willing to go with a flow until we both were ready for something serious
So you went along with not being in relationship so why are you thinking you are a victim? You were not exclusive and that means you too could have "dated" others if you so chose to. He may have lied about not seeing HER anymore but he still wasn't committed or promising exclusivity with you. Did that not raise a red flag to you?

You volunteered to be with him when you knew he wasn't ready to be in a relationship but your self-esteem WAS lacking and instead of telling him you didn't like being sexual/romantic with a friend who wasn't exclusive with you... you kept at it while posing as the cool chick who didn't want a relationship either.

 

I wasn’t going to pressure a man who was torn between 2 girls for a relationship knowing that he was indecisive.
Why would you continue on with him never mind not wanting to pressure him? When you know your own dating goals, when you have dating confidence, love of self and good self-esteem... you dump guys who don't know what they want because they don't gel with your end dating goal.

 

Learn the lesson, stop looking at yourself as a victim because you knew the deal and where his head was at (indecisive) but you chose to keep trying it on with the likes of him. Forgive yourself for not looking out for your own best interests and go forth that much more dating savvy in the future.

 

Bottom line: Neither of you were in an exclusive relationship so he did not cheat. You chose to be in a non exclusive relationship with him knowing he was not ready to be exclusive with either of you so figure out by doing some self-reflection in why you would continue on with someone who didn't want to be in a relationship when apparently you did but didn't want to rock the boat. Yes you did the right thing in telling him you didn't want to keep in contact. You need the zero contact to get over any addiction you have to him being in your life.

 

Good luck in your next adventure in dating.

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This is the saddest post I’ve read on this site thus far. I’m really sorry to hear that you are going through all these challenges in your relationship. I just want to give you my genuine advice and even though it might be hard to take all the advice we will all give you on here, please do your best to try.

 

Based on what I just read, I believe the best thing to do is to completely walk away from this relationship for your own peace of mind. This man has clearly shown you that he does not want this relationship anymore. Subconciously, he has checked out, hence not being able to get aroused.

 

He constantly cheats on you with women from his past and new women and that to me shows that he isn’t ready for a commitment. You are going to have to walk away till he is ready to change for the BETTER and if he never changes then you guys were never meant to be and that’s the reality of things.

 

Please do yourself a huge favor and preserve the self-love and dignity you have left and walk away. Focus on God if you know who He is, on yourself and other important things in your life. At the end, you are the only one on earth that will love and have your own back 100% so don’t abandon yourself. Don’t put your happiness and value in another person’s hands. Good luck with everything and be strong!

 

Nancy you wrote this in someone elses post.

 

The projecting here is uncanny.

 

You literally told someone else what you need to tell yourself.

 

LISTEN TO YOUR OWN ADVICE.

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So you knew that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. That would have been enough for me to not get involved past friendship with him. Did you not pick up on that?

So you went along with not being in relationship so why are you thinking you are a victim? You were not exclusive and that means you too could have "dated" others if you so chose to. He may have lied about not seeing HER anymore but he still wasn't committed or promising exclusivity with you. Did that not raise a red flag to you?

You volunteered to be with him when you knew he wasn't ready to be in a relationship but your self-esteem WAS lacking and instead of telling him you didn't like being sexual/romantic with a friend who wasn't exclusive with you... you kept at it while posing as the cool chick who didn't want a relationship either.

 

Why would you continue on with him never mind not wanting to pressure him? When you know your own dating goals, when you have dating confidence, love of self and good self-esteem... you dump guys who don't know what they want because they don't gel with your end dating goal.

 

Learn the lesson, stop looking at yourself as a victim because you knew the deal and where his head was at (indecisive) but you chose to keep trying it on with the likes of him. Forgive yourself for not looking out for your own best interests and go forth that much more dating savvy in the future.

 

Bottom line: Neither of you were in an exclusive relationship so he did not cheat. You chose to be in a non exclusive relationship with him knowing he was not ready to be exclusive with either of you so figure out by doing some self-reflection in why you would continue on with someone who didn't want to be in a relationship when apparently you did but didn't want to rock the boat. Yes you did the right thing in telling him you didn't want to keep in contact. You need the zero contact to get over any addiction you have to him being in your life.

 

Good luck in your next adventure in dating.

 

Thanks for your comment and advice. I wasn’t trying to be the cool chick by acting like I didn’t want relationship either. I wanted to take things slow till we both felt like we were ready to take things to the next level that’s why him not wanting a relationship didn’t bother me. I am matured enough to know that jumping into a relationship right away with a guy without taking the time out to date to get to know each other isn’t the best idea.

 

As far as me feeling like he lied and betrayed me, I made it clear to him that if he ever decided to get back with her then he should let me know so I can leave the situation because I didn’t want to be in a love triangle. Just because we weren’t exclusive didn’t mean that I was willing to stay in a love triangle. Self esteem and confidence has nothing to do with wanting to date first before committing.

 

I have definitely self reflected and have accept my part in how things went down because I allowed certain things to happen by not walking away the first time I found out that he lied to me about her not being in the picture. This is something we often spoke about so him concealing that information from me was wrong no matter if we were exclusive or not. You can date someone & not date other people even if you are not committed.

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Nancy you wrote this in someone elses post.

 

The projecting here is uncanny.

 

You literally told someone else what you need to tell yourself.

 

LISTEN TO YOUR OWN ADVICE.

 

Thanks for this. I was only able to write this advice to that person because this is how I feel about my own situation after self reflecting & listening to other people’s advice. I wouldn’t give an advice that I wouldn’t take myself. I have walked away from the guy in my post and I do not intend going backwards no matter what. I take accountability for allowing it to happen and I’m working on forgiving myself for my part in it. I realized that a person only treats you how you allow them to treat you so that’s on me not him. We live and we learn and I definitely have learned t lesson.

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Thank you! I see that now and I will make sure I do not get in a situation like this ever again.

 

What situation? One where you agree to be in a non-exclusive relationship with someone who has made it clear that he doesn't want to be in a relationship but you continue on with him anyway while hoping he becomes ready? Good for you if that's the case.

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What situation? One where you agree to be in a non-exclusive relationship with someone who has made it clear that he doesn't want to be in a relationship but you continue on with him anyway while hoping he becomes ready? Good for you if that's the case.

 

Did you read the part where I said I wanted us to date first to get to know each other before jumping into a relationship or did you skip that part? Nothing I wrote in my initial post suggested that I was hoping for a relationship even though I said that I didn’t. My only problem was that we had discussed that if the other girl ever comes back in the picture he should tell me so I can step aside but when she did, he concealed that information till I found out from someone else. Just because I didn’t want a relationship right away didn’t mean I wanted to be in a love triangle. I don’t know about some of you but I just don’t jump into a relationship without dating the person to see if that’s someone I want to be committed to. Someone of you are not actually here to give advice & help others with their pain, you are just here to judge people and that’s uncalled for. If you don’t have anything nice to say to help the situation, don’t say nothing at all. Thanks!

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Did you read the part where I said I wanted us to date first to get to know each other before jumping into a relationship or did you skip that part?
Did you say: ' I didn’t want to force anything between us and was willing to go with a flow until we both were ready for something serious" That is you getting with a guy that is not ready for a relationship while you continue on with him hoping one day he will be.

 

Nothing I wrote in my initial post suggested that I was hoping for a relationship even though I said that I didn’t.
I beg to differ. You dated non-exclusively at least you've not corrected me when I suggested that so I'm wondering why you were so bent out of shape that he was not being exclusive.

 

My only problem was that we had discussed that if the other girl ever comes back in the picture he should tell me so I can step aside but when she did, he concealed that information till I found out from someone else.
You fail to understand that you were not exclusive so if it wasn't this one girl, then it would have been someone else. The point I'm making is that you were not looking out for your own best interests when you agreed to date him non-exclusively. As I said, you too were free to date others as well because of that non-exclusivity.

 

Just because I didn’t want a relationship right away didn’t mean I wanted to be in a love triangle.
Then why did you agre to non-exclusive dating? Do you not understand that non-exclusive dating with someone who is not ready to be in a relationship means that they are free to date others? You call a non-exclusive agreement wherein YOU didn't want a relationship with this man a "love triangle?" Did he know you loved him? Did you ask him to be exclusive with you? No, you told him if he's going to date her again then he should tell you? Who do you think is going to listen to that? Not too many men let me tell you.

 

I don’t know about some of you but I just don’t jump into a relationship without dating the person to see if that’s someone I want to be committed to.
That's fine but you should ask for exclusive dating until you figure out if he's worth giving up other options for. You don't go into it with unvoiced expectations and demands that he tell you if he's going to be in bed with one girl that you know of.

 

Some of you are not actually here to give advice & help others with their pain, you are just here to judge people and that’s uncalled for.
Sorry if I'm not giving you "poor you" advice. However: know that I am trying to show you the error of your ways so that you don't find yourself in the same situation once again.

 

If you don’t have anything nice to say to help the situation, don’t say nothing at all. Thanks!
Nice to say? Having a different opinion than "he's a jerk" isn't un-nice, it's just not what you wanted to hear is all.

 

I wish you well in your next adventure in dating.

 

Adding:

You can date someone & not date other people even if you are not committed.
BUT (big 'but') If you don't want them dating anyone else while you date each other then you have to talk about exclusivity. Had you done that then when he went back to seeing her, he wouldn't have been reneging on a dating rule you both agreed to... and that is when I would call him a jerk.

 

Anyway, I'm only one poster here... take what I'm saying and learn from it or dismiss it and keep on keeping on. That is the nature of advice forums.

 

Cheers.

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