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Thread: I really thought we were meant to be. I'm falling apart :(

  1. #1
    Gold Member Roxie84's Avatar
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    I really thought we were meant to be. I'm falling apart :(

    It's been a while. Hope everyone is doing well.

    I am in a huge rut and could really use some objective advice outside of "you can do better," and "just work on yourself," and "stop looking at it will come."

    Two weeks ago, I tried to kill myself by overdosing on pills. This is the second time I've tried. Both times were over heartbreak and feeling unworthy of love.

    Simply put, I put a lot of effort into myself and go about my day looking as good as I can. But I am far from being attractive enough to get regular dates, and a lot of it I just can't change. I see past "looks" all the time, so I don't understand why most people are SO bitterly shallow and focussed on perfection..

    I hate being told "you can do better," because I'm sure men rate my attractiveness and say the same thing about me. There are way hotter girls out there, so, "you can do better, bro."

    In 2013 after many years of constant, heartless and painful abuse (emotional, physical and sexual) and rejection from many members of the opposite sex, I made a promise to myself that I would stop looking for love, and try to find other things in life I can enjoy.

    Since then I have taken up tons of hobbies, learned how to sing, more than doubled my income, moved into a beautiful apartment, and have been enjoying time with friends and taking vacations as often as I can.

    But nothing fills the void. I want someone to love. And I just don't think God wants me to have the one thing in life I have always craved.

    M was a friendly acquaintance of mine for 4 years before one drunk night on my birthday we hooked up. I legitimately thought nothing of it, and had no emotional attachment. That is, until a few weeks later when he invited my best friend out for drinks, asking her advice because he had feelings for me for years, and wanted to be with me.

    He said he felt like he wasn't good enough for me. He's down on his luck, surrounded by many toxic people, and has some substance dependencies he is not quite ready to give up.

    My pathetic little mind ran wild, and soon enough, we were much more than friends with benefits.

    When we were together it was literally magic. We would sometimes spend an entire day just laying in each others arms, looking in each other's eyes and sharing sweet nothings.

    But even M, the wonderfully imperfect man of my dreams, would still keep reminding me "I don't want a girlfriend right now." At 32 years old I've never had a boyfriend, and I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that $&$^@*@^$^^$KING excuse!!! It absolutely enrages me.

    For the first time in my life I truly believed someone had real feelings for me. I thought he saw my heart, not my sub-par appearance.

    But for the last 2 years, he keeps blowing hot and cold. We will be on an amazing path, then one of his immature friends will make some stupid comment about me, and he will ghost for a few weeks. For someone who claims to love me, he sure seems to enjoy hurting me.

    I can't take it. I know I don't deserve it. And this time I need to be strong and never take him back whenever I do hear from him again.

    But why does this always happen? Is God testing me or trying to teach me something that I'm just not getting?

    I suffer from depression, and my medication is not doing a whole lot of good. Neither is therapy. I am constantly feeling sad and depressed no matter how good life is. So devastating heartbreak and events like this just keep me in a horrible rut for months.

    Any thoughts? Is there anything else in this life that can fill the void that being undeserving of love brings? How do I stop myself from getting hurt like this again? And did M ever really have feelings for me, or do some men literally enjoy making a game out of touching ugly girls' hearts and crushing them?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    What is your therapist advising, Roxie?

    You do sound like you have a wonderful life without a man in it so don't devalue that and instead brace it and be proud of yourself for reaching goals that far too many people fail to achieve and are reliant on a man to get them through life.

    As for your "friend" that turned into more. Well, he's just issued with substance abuse and god only knows what else so either take him on a part time basis and learn to ACCEPT that he's just filler until you meet a good guy who will value you or let him go for good and next time he contacts you, hitch up your bridges and tell him to go ____ himself and leave you alone.

    Which one will you be able to do with solid confidence that you will be successful at it?

    Mom used to say "Every pot has a lid" Your lid is out there so put yourself out there to be found but don't make it your reason to live. You have a baked a beautiful life cake and a man is just extra icing that isn't necessary but rather just nice to have. It's 2019 and you are a successful, independent woman. That's something to be proud of, luv.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Roxie84 meet your possible lid. :)

    [Register to see the link]

  4. #4
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    Have you considered readjusting your meds?

    Choosing men with addiction and commitment issues is not good. Have you considered that you are gravitating to the same type of guy, due to your own feelings of inadequacy? Basically, you are sabotaging yourself by choosing really unhealthy people.

    I don't think that it is appearance It is your lack of confidence that is preventing relationships, in addition to the tyoe of men you are attracted to.

    Where have you been meeting people?

    You also need to cut ties with the druggie. You will find someone if you are patient and aim higher than the guys you have been dating.

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  6. #5

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    hi there roxie, i also suffer from depression. It seems like we have the same perspective on ourselves, it would be interesting to meet you. :)

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP you sound very troubled, angry, resentful and bitter... while at the same time being very needy and desperate for male companionship, to the point that you are clinging to the first man that says sweet things to you.

    I think it's great that you have done so much for your career and hobbies and are taking care of yourself... you need to do some next level spiritual and emotional work so you can feel better about yourself from the inside out, and stop relying so much on validation from men.

  8. #7
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    sounds like you need to change medication and therapists.
    There are a lot of issues that need to be addressed before you get into a relationship.


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