I don't know what to do, need help!

[Leeharry77]

Long story & please don't judge! I'm married & 6 years ago became friendly with a friend of a friend online. She lived locally & we chatted a lot online and then one day met, this was 6 years ago. She was also married at the time but split from her husband 3 years ago. Nothing sexual had happened between us but the physical attraction was there in abundance.
We did obviously end up sleeping together. I hated myself for it & knew I had to think about my wife and make a decision. At the end of 2017 I made that decision but we ended up arguing & walked away from each other but was only temporarily.
We started to think about it again when I landed in trouble at work & was in danger of losing my job. This dragged on for 7 months, in this time my mental health suffered. We argued, I became jealous & made ridiculous accusations, I really wasn't myself. I kept my job but didn't get better immediately, there were signs before Christmas though and we had some lovely days together but were clouded by more arguments.
2 weeks ago we again argued & we said goodbye last Sunday, her decision. Since then I bombarded her with messages begging for us to be together properly but she's refused.
I know I need to do the right thing regarding my wife. My marriage is dead, I love her but it's not enough.
So the one I want to be with says she loves me, she's hurting & we both know we'll never find love like this again but she says she's too emotionally scarred for us to be together now, I've hurt her too much & she can't let go of everything. I suggested time away but she refused & said we are over & I should sort my marriage out. My last message was Friday and I had no reply. I also told my wife I'm not happy anymore.

So what do I do? Sit & wait to see if she comes back? Give it a week? Or just walk away & let her find happiness elsewhere? I'm broken, I can't even eat or sleep.

[bluecastle]

Your story is confusing.

Are you saying you ended the affair, back in 2017? Did you tell your wife about it, or just swallow it down? And are you referring to your wife as "the one I want to be with" or the friend of a friend you slept with?

Regardless, this is a big ol' mess of your own making. But if you answers those questions I can take a clearer stab at some advice.

[Wiseman2]

Most affair partners come up with this ultimatum sooner or later. Reflect on what you want. Did your wife understand the cryptic "I'm not happy" statement? It sounds like you'll have to sort out your marriage one way or the other.

I suggested time away but she refused & said we are over & I should sort my marriage out. I also told my wife I'm not happy anymore.

[Leeharry77]

Friend of a friend is the one I want to be with. I never told my wife. We ended it at the end of 2017 but started again early 2018.

My wife knows I'm not happy, deep down I don't think she is either but she says she is. I can't stand her near me at the minute which is awful because she's done nothing wrong & has gone into overdrive to get me back on side.

[~Seraphim ~]

I think you need to tell your wife and let her decide for you.

[Leeharry77]

But the one I want doesn't want me anymore.

My marriage is over regardless

[~Seraphim ~]

It would not have worked anyway. Neither of you would have trusted each other. Both of you would’ve been looking behind your back seeing who was going to cheat next . So it would not have been roses and champagne . But I think you owe it to tell your wife so she can go get a medical check up .

[melancholy123]

If you dont want to be with your wife, get a divorce. If the gf is over with, that's probably a good thing. You really need to sort yourself out so you are thinking straight.

[SherrySher]

Can I just ask, and I am being sincere here.

If you were unhappy with your wife to the degree that another woman looked good or interesting to you, why not go home, tell your wife you're unhappy and want a divorce...THEN go out there as a single man to pursue someone else.

Why do it like you did and run after someone, knowing you still had a wife at home?

[bluecastle]

Well, you made the bed. Time to rest in it.

You made a lot of lousy choices, as you know. You had an affair—not cool. You then basically accused your wife of behaving exactly the way you were behaving—the jealousy, the accusations, which is pretty classic cheater stuff, flinging your guilt on another to feel better, less dirty. That's really not cool.

No judgement—it's your life. People make mistakes. You've made a lot.

You're done with your marriage, have been for some time. Seems your wife is done too. Can't blame her. So, yeah, own that.

And the affair is over too. You want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Own that too.

If you have any desire to see if there's another chapter with your wife, you need to come clean. You can't stand her near you, right now, because she reflects your guilt, lousy choices, and lost affair back at you. Just by being her.

But don't hurt her with the knowledge just to feel a little better. Tell her only if you genuinely want to repair things, which it doesn't sound like you do.