Am I wrong, or is she just making me think that way?

Where to begin..... I am broken. I feel like everything I have, everything I've (we) have worked for is slipping away. And I fear it may be my fault, or is it. This is kinda of where i'm lost. Were I don't know what to do exactly. Let me explain.

So me and my girlfriend have been together for over 7 years. I am 27 years old, so for me, a lifetime. We have a daughter together, and she had a son before me, so as you guessed...I have a stepson. We met kind of under stressful circumstances, meaning the first year of our relationship we went through hell and back together and made it through. She was there for me every step of the way, as was I for her. The fact that our relationship survived those first treacherous years speaks volumes in my opinion.

But, like everything monotony sets in, people get complacent, work evolves and gets more hectic, kids take up all your time, etc etc. We started slowly drifting apart. Not to an extreme, but just as much as is expected in a relationship with 2 kids and both parties working 50 hours plus a week at work. So to get more detailed, She is a very independent woman, strong, assertive and she puts out an image of "i dont need anyone else, I can do anything on my own". Not in a pompous way, but just in a strong independent woman way. The reason i even bring this up is because i think it plays a big part of the issue here. I am not the most romantic person. I struggle with expressing emotion. (i get this is a problem btw). But when I do attempt to be romantic, or comforting, or a shoulder to lean on, the independent attitude comes out and it's almost shot down. But then later she'll say that i dont show enough affection or she doesn't feel truly loved by me.

Also I am very OCD about the house and cleaning. She unfortunately not so much. Now I am not bashing her at all. She is an amazing mother and a hard worker, but when it comes to house work, im just a little bit more on it. I make sure kitchen is clean after dinner, floors are swept and picked up, dishes, laundry, just basic tidying up and detail work around the house. If I didn't do these things everyday, dinner mess would be left out on the stove all night... You get my point. So the reason I bring this up, is because she will say to me how much she does for everyone, and how I dont do enough. It's in a way delusional when shes says this stuff. She asks me what I do to help her out and make her life easier. I respond with "I am always cleaning and helping you around the house, you hardly have to do anything".... Her response is "Well that's normal everyday stuff, you shouldn't get credit for doing basic house chores" it's unreal. I cant argue either or she'll go balistic.

Bare with me... I will tie all this together here. I must admit there have been a few times maybe 4 or so in 7 years were i have snapped on her. Just plain snapped, cussing at her, calling her names, just being a real ass. I admit I was wrong and how horrible i felt. (normally i was drunk). This is by no means ok, and i think it did alot of damage to us. I have tired to move on from these instances by being a better partner, a better man to her, which on the daily i believe I am. Unfortunately she has never moved on. I am reminded all the time of my mistakes. I could be amazing for 6 months, then one day do something that upsets her, and it's right back to "i am a horrible partner, and remember what you said to me". I guess my point here is no matter how much time passes or how good I am to her, it's like shes just waiting for my slip up to bring it all back to those horrible nights i said those awful things.

Now she's talking about splitting bedrooms in the house so we are not in the same room. She wants me to tell her how i am going to change if she's going to stay. I struggle with this because i dont really know what she wants. Can I be more romantic... yes, but I go to work, pay bills, am there for my kids (including her son), i do things around the house so she doesn't have to, I try to be active and fun.. I just dont know what she wants. Am I in the wrong because of my past actions, is she too controlling. I feel like i am always walking on eggshells around her to not piss her off. Everyone that knows me says how good of a guy I am, and she'll laugh and say you dont really know him then. Am i really that bad, are her standards just unreachable, is she manipulating me..It's hard because I dont want to lose what we built together. We bought a house, cars, material objects, experiences, memories. I am a different person now, and if we broke up I would know what to do with myself. I do love her and want this to work, but also in my head im kinda done with mental exhaustion. I dont know. Maybe someone can help.

All of this, combined with your other thread ( https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=556877 ) tells me you two need help - couples counselling. Sounds like she's tuning out. Again, I can only suggest couples counselling for this particular issue and definitely individual counselling for your extreme hypochondria issues, as that alone can break any relationship.

(btw, you're either 26 or 27 and it's either a girlfriend or a wife - gets too confusing).

Well to answer your last question, I'm 27. Finger must have slipped on key. Also it's girlfriend. It seems to be taken more seriously when I say wife rather than the high school lovebird term girlfriend. Plus we say (said) husband and wife to others. Third the problems we have are exasperated by the health fear, but not nearly as much as the issues in my relationship post. And yes i do need therapy. It's hard to find good counseling in my area. They are all horrible and/or expensive. (And yes I have health insurance) i need some kind of anxiety med, but all they have ever given me is anti-depressants.. Anyway. I guess you'll be the only one in communication with me on my posts.. So cheers friend.

Well...

I hate to say it, but it kind of sounds like this relationship has broken you. Or both of you, but in different ways. Or, most generously, that what it currently most "succeeds" at is bringing to the surface the little "broken" pieces in both of you.

Where she has an "advantage" is in that in the toxic and dysfunctional dynamic, at least as you've described it, she at least gets to play the role of the strong, fierce, independent one (she's not) while you're relegated to the role of the weak, careless, anti-romantic one (you're not ).

The big problem is you're both playing these cartoonish roles with Oscar-worthy gusto, while both hating those roles, because neither of them are actually you're authentic selves, so there's all this resentment—basically each of you semi-hating (while, yes, also loving) the other for making you feel like someone you're not.

(Hear that? That's the sound of eggshells cracking. Eggshells = internal broken pieces, surfaced, scattered across the floor.)

So, what to do?

Well, if it weren't for the kids, my advice would be simple. I'd tell you that you've outgrown each other, aren't growing, haven't been growing for a good bit, that you've both mistaken manipulation for affection, that 90 percent of the anxiety you feel (and maybe 40 percent of the health stuff from your last post) is all connected to staying inside a box that neither of you fit in anymore, and haven't for some time. I'd tell you that this is a borderline abusive dynamic, that she instinctively knows just how to tap into that deep, dark thing inside you that kinda believes you're not worthy of love, and that you just as instinctively know how to make her feel like a shrew.

I'd tell you, in short, to leave. You're still a kid. There are better matches. You sound, frankly, awesome: smart, considerate, curious. And I bet she's awesome too; even in your annoyed state she sounds awesome.

But together? You've reached the point where you smother the awesomeness of the other.

But, alas, the kids. And, yes, the love, the history. So, couple's therapy. Me, in your shoes, with your feelings? I'd be demanding that or else. I'd be demanding that out of love—love for her, the kids, and yourself. Because, minus the moments when you're drunk enough to snap, which don't count, because they're totally lame and destructive, you've lost sight of that thing runs from you pelvis to your brain. Yeah, your spine, your you-ness, that place where your capacity for both love and support (of others, of yourself) resides. Without a strong spine the heart is mush, too vulnerable to function.

So get help. For both of you. For the kids. For the relationship. Suggest it during a calm moment, from a place of love.

Quick addition:

This is NOT your fault. It is also NOT her fault.

And THAT is the thing you BOTH need to see, if this has any shot.

Your coping mechanism is to take all the blame, because that's kind of how part of your mind works, the anxious part, the same part that turns a cough to CT scan. Like, I bet I could blame you right now for MY romantic dilemmas and you'd actually pause for a second and think: yeah, maybe I did mess with BC...

Her coping mechanism is to assign blame, to view the world as against her (the need no one stuff), which probably works well in some worlds (work etc., where a chip on the shoulder can be weaponized affectively) but not in others, like relationships, where she holds onto negative moments in order to weaponize them later, the second she feels pushed against the ropes.

BOTH of those, you see, are power plays. They're where each of you go to feel in control, but it's the "control" of feeling victimized, which is false control, as most control is.

Somewhere between those two extremes is the truth: two people, soft and vulnerable, who can't access their authenticity. That's where therapy comes in. You learn to put the swords away, so you can fight the real fight, not the surface fight.

I don't know how to say this without sounding facetious, so I'll just say it...

If you have enough money for the multitude of medical tests you've been insisting on having, you have enough money to get treatment for what's REALLY going on...treatment for your emotional and psychological and relationship health.

It's entirely possible that you have outgrown her... people change a great deal in their 20's, and perhaps your values have shifted to wanting something different. It's also entirely possible that you have drifted apart because you both haven't put much energy into the relationship itself... not the cooking / cleaning / childcare, but the communicating, love, affection, etc.

There is something called the 7 year itch, where relationships hit a slump and one or both parts of a couple starts to feel restless and wants a change. It sounds like this is exactly what is happening to you.

Do you remember why you guys got together and stayed together in the first place? Are those things still relevant? Have you done everything you can do to make it work from the perspective of building more of an emotional connection with your partner? If you want to stay with her, try counselling or therapy as a couple to see if you can overcome this.

The solution is to get this effectively treated and stick with the appropriate talk and medical therapies rather than just quit the medication and therapy.

My wife is sick and tired of hearing about my "illnesses" and like the boy who cried wolf, wouldn't believe me if something was actually wrong.

Quick addition:

 

This is NOT your fault. It is also NOT her fault.

 

Bluecastle .. I truly appreciate your response. It's like you're there witnessing what's going on. Your right on point. I completely agree with you and i feel as though we have been conditioned by each other to act this way. I fear that we've gone too far emotionally to change. I've suggested counseling before, but as you might imagine, she says that I need the therapy. Not her. And she'll only show up to one of my sessions after I've been there for some time. Crazy right... I know the red flags are screaming leaveeee.. But i can not imagine not being with my daughter each and every day. I feel like I'm in prison. Add on top my personal anxiety problem, and you've got a recipe for misery. Things weren't this bad last year. I'm just trying to figure out were along the line it became so twisted. I feel i harbor some resentment towards her. Even though we've loved and experienced life together for 7 years, i feel like at times I've regressed as a person. Like i haven't been aloud to grow almost. I'm don't even know anymore. But I will demand counseling, try to shift my way of thinking and get us back to normal.

It's not "crazy" at all that she says you need therapy, not you two, and that she only shows after you've been for a while.

Her narrative is that the big problem with everything is you—one, frankly, that you've been more than happy to entertain, by the sounds of it, while secretly thinking that, actually, the big problem is her. That she, in short, is the real "crazy" one.

And there's the big rub, the big knot: you both find "comfort" in being victimized by the other. She plays the role more actively, because she cares less about being the "good" one. You play it more passively, because part of your identity is caught up in being the "good" one, let alone the "anxious" one. But really it's just the same thing. And, yes, it has brewed some plutonium-grade resentment on both sides.

Time to get out of this dynamic. To see, at least, if it's a dynamic that can be broken instead of continuing to break you guys. Turn the battleship. Otherwise its more death by a thousand paper cuts.

Time to make it clear to her—head up, spine strong, anxieties down—that you've been thinking, that you can't continue things as they are. That you love her, love your child, can't imagine not seeing your daughter daily, but neither can you imagine living anymore as things are. That the only way you can imagine going forward together—instead of starting conversations about moving forward apart—is to go into therapy together. That without that you see no other way but separation.

And that's that. It's called a boundary, setting one, sticking to one, which I can tell is not a strong suit of yours. But it's a muscle you can build, and need to.