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Thread: Hearing about your Ex

  1. #1
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    Hearing about your Ex

    I met my ex's father at Xmas in social circumstances. He told me what she has been up to since we split last March, after 7 years together and having planned a new life in New Zealand. I didn't really want to know, but he's a really nice guy, so I didn't feel as if I could tell him to shut up.

    She went back on the online dating scene in June, met a German guy, whom after only a few dates she started telling her folks she was planning on marrying and having a child with. They were suspicious as they thought there was the air of a con-man about this guy. The ex and this fellow split soon after, but she went back and re-initiated whatever they had going on. She left for NZ in September, having landed her dream-job. Apparently the German guy went with her, or visited her down there and they had a huge bust-up where she got a lot of verbal abuse, then he disappeared.

    I wasn't surprised by what he told me, as I'd been expecting a rebound event, given she is 43 and without kids, but of course to expect is one thing, to receive another.

    Then to top it all she got fired from her 'dream job' and after seven years talking incessantly day and night about NZ is returning to Europe next month. I am not planning on contacting her, as what's done is done, but it just weirds me out that after all that she is back to where we split. If the episode with the German guy is an indication, I suspect she will make a quick marriage with someone over the next year or two.

    Anyway, doubtless because of hearing all this, I had a traumatic dream last night: I was in some weird scenario where the ex had vanished from my life, then she magically re-appeared, seemed all kindness and love, a very changed person and so on. I couldn't believe it in the dream, and sure enough I woke up to the bleak reality! And have been feeling like crud all day.

    Anyway, I would suggest to anyone in a similar boat to avoid pursuing info or placing yourself in a scenario where you might garner information about what your dumper is up to, because if this is anything to go by, it will do you no good at all!

  2. #2
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    You didn't have to tell him to "shut up", but you could have interrupted him and explained that it's not helpful to you to hear what she is up to.

    See how it has affected you?

    Fortunately, unless there's some reason why you and her dad need to hang out together all the time, you probably won't hear anymore about what she's doing.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You didn't have to tell him to "shut up", but you could have interrupted him and explained that it's not helpful to you to hear what she is up to.

    See how it has affected you?

    Fortunately, unless there's some reason why you and her dad need to hang out together all the time, you probably won't hear anymore about what she's doing.
    I agree.......

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I agree with bolt.

    Sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves about putting ourselves in situations that do harm.

    Not only did you sit to hear the whole story but you listened enough to give us a play by play including your own commentary.

    Stop setting yourself back.

    And for the love of God do not hang onto an idea that she’s failing.

    If you find joy in her failures you will find sorrow in her triumphs.

    Win or lose she is going to be who she is.

    Focus on you and you’re healing. You’re doing great one step back two steps forward, allow yourself this moment but don’t stay here ya know.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    At least now you know better than to remain ever again in a situation where you find out new information about her current life. Any information that you find out has no worth to you other than to upset you. It is irrelevant. Your lives are no longer connected. She may find someone and marry him soon or she may not. She may get a new job or she may not. She may have kids or she may not. Either way it is totally random and has NOTHING to do with you or your self-worth. It turned out that you two are incompatible. End of story. You went on to live separate lives and what she does at this point is irrelevant.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    If you find joy in her failures you will find sorrow in her triumphs.
    Heh...You beat me to it :)

    Yeh it sux Mikey*. It's sometimes hard to hear someone you used to once care for not doing well....But we all make choices and must then live with the consequences of those choices whether good or bad.

    Tell me if I'm wrong, but when you hear stuff like this it can also trigger thoughts like "Ooh. Maybe she'll come back to me..." etc...?

    However, here's another side of it: My ex is now on her 4th or 5th 'boyfriend' since we parted a year ago. A guy with 4 kids, no money, a drinking habit and was quite abusive to his expartner/mother of the kids. For example threw hot soup on her once! << Oh Dear

    I've also come to learn that she has quite a history of cheating to get out of relationships....

    Now I've never gone looking for this info, it's just come to me from friends AND people that I've only met recently! (the foibles of living in a small community where everyone knows everyone).....As painful as it's been, the Universe wanted me to know this stuff....

    I still miss what we had together, but because I know what I know now, I would be EXTREMELY cautious if she ever were to orbit back around!

    Fortunately I don't ever see that happening though*

    I'll tell you one other thing too. About 3-4 months into the breakup she was still heavily bread crumbing, we were still hanging out, having sex, and I was still so full of Hope....Until a good mutual friend sat me down and said "You need to know she's seeing another guy too!".....The friend didn't really want to tell me because she knew it would hurt me, but also knew it was important I knew the truth because I was being dragged behind the bus....

    So sometimes, as painful as it still is, information can definitely be handy when making decisions about what we need to do going forward*

    Keep It Movin' Brother. Tis just a bump in the road. If she does come to have a Tower moment and wants to revisit the idea of you and her then you will hear about it....

    But be cautious....

    Carus*

  8. #7
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    Hey Carus,

    Great as always to hear from you, brother. You are the Saint of this site!

    For the record, it was a Xmas gathering and the father was always extremely kind to me, plus he had a few beers in him, so I felt it would have been rude/uncharitable to try to get him to cork it, but anyway.

    As it happens, the info I received didn't trigger any "maybe we'll get back" thoughts. On the day she pulled the trigger, I knew that was it. I guess that's a good sign.

    Nor did I take any pleasure in hearing of her life dream collapsing. I think it's always sad when such things happen.

    My reaction was 100% just one of bafflement and surprise. Particularly after hearing so much about the NZ dream for 7 years day and night, and emotionally investing in it myself.

    But yeah, this year is tough so far. First year in 9 years I've faced a new year alone. We just try to struggle on, step by step, day by day...

    Strength and love to you, brother!

    Mike

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mike5
    Hey Carus,

    Great as always to hear from you, brother. You are the Saint of this site!
    Oh stop....Oh go on...Oh stop....Oh go on.... :-)

    Someone recently said I was an inspiration....I'm thinking "For what!? Being the guy that lost everything and never got over his exwife!?"

    Kinda ironic really....

    I'm but a candle in a field of lights* But thankyou for the kind words.
    Originally Posted by Mike5
    As it happens, the info I received didn't trigger any "maybe we'll get back" thoughts.
    OK good....Just checking coz I know it can happen....And a LOT of the time it is when an exes life does start turning to mud is when they start flicking through the history folder. Not always, but a lot....*
    Originally Posted by Mike5
    Nor did I take any pleasure in hearing of her life dream collapsing. I think it's always sad when such things happen.
    Nor can you mount your white horse and go in there and 'save' her either.....

    Life can be cruel like that sometimes....Good men like us have a certain desire to protect our loved ones. But when it comes to someone who has walked out of our lives, our hands are basically bound*

    I'm sure my ex and your ex will be fine....It's you and me we need to look after now*
    Originally Posted by Mike5
    My reaction was 100% just one of bafflement and surprise. Particularly after hearing so much about the NZ dream for 7 years day and night, and emotionally investing in it myself.
    Yup. Life has a way of not turning out as we wanted or expected, as you and I and many others here will attest to.
    Originally Posted by Mike5
    But yeah, this year is tough so far. First year in 9 years I've faced a new year alone. We just try to struggle on, step by step, day by day...
    To forge steel, one must apply fire*
    Originally Posted by Mike5
    Strength and love to you, brother!
    Right back atcha Brother* Let's keep our horses pointed towards the horizon*

    Carus*

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mike5

    For the record, it was a Xmas gathering and the father was always extremely kind to me, plus he had a few beers in him, so I felt it would have been rude/uncharitable to try to get him to cork it, but anyway.

    As it happens, the info I received didn't trigger any "maybe we'll get back" thoughts. On the day she pulled the trigger, I knew that was it. I guess that's a good sign.

    Nor did I take any pleasure in hearing of her life dream collapsing. I think it's always sad when such things happen.

    My reaction was 100% just one of bafflement and surprise. Particularly after hearing so much about the NZ dream for 7 years day and night, and emotionally investing in it myself.
    Mike if any of this was true this post would not exist.

    I wasn't surprised by what he told me, as I'd been expecting a rebound event, given she is 43 and without kids, but of course to expect is one thing, to receive another.

    Then to top it all she got fired from her 'dream job' and after seven years talking incessantly day and night about NZ is returning to Europe next month. I am not planning on contacting her, as what's done is done, but it just weirds me out that after all that she is back to where we split. If the episode with the German guy is an indication, I suspect she will make a quick marriage with someone over the next year or two.
    This... is smugness, not indifference.

    Look he could have been having a heart attack you were under NO obligation to listen to a play by play of your exes life, I know that, you know that, the bag boy at your grocery store knows that.

    It is what it is you listened and you felt the need to tell others she wasn't as great as she thinks she is and youre attempting to hide that under the guise of helping others.

    Anyway, I would suggest to anyone in a similar boat to avoid pursuing info or placing yourself in a scenario where you might garner information about what your dumper is up to, because if this is anything to go by, it will do you no good at all!
    You are human, were all entitled to have petty moments, that's what this was, there are literally hundreds of other posts here where people did the same. Its ok. All I am saying is try not to make this a habit, because if you hear through the grape vine that shes succeeding , IT.WILL.HURT. way worse than this event did

    So try to keep the focus off of her and stand up for your own well being, next time tell them you would like them not to tell you anything.


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