How do you move on after being lead on for 4 years?

Hi, before you think I am blaming her for leading me on, I am not. I am very well aware that it takes two people to do that, and I am as responsible as her.

When I was 16 and she was 14, though I was not the one who made the first move, I told this girl (let me call her Annie), who I knew since I was a kid, that I had feelings for her and she replied saying that she also had feelings for me. We talked a lot about the future (the ideal marriage, the ideal family, the names of children we'd have, blah blah). Since we both come from religious families, she said it was best if we stalled (and I absolutely agreed with her, and I was glad I found someone who I knew (or thought) would wait until marriage before getting physical) and wait until the end of our studies to come out and tell everyone we want to get married.

For the next 4 years, we remained very close. We'd hang out a lot, talk about our personal problems, help each other out for our studies, etc. For me (and I also thought that it was her case since she's the one who asked me to stall), it was best not to send any "I love you" or "I miss you" messages, as I knew that if we got caught, we'd have big problems. And, honestly, I didn't need all that Hollywood crap to get attached to her. I loved her personality, her flaws, her weaknesses and, though she was not the most beautiful women I had ever seen, I still found her magnificent and I was happy with what I had. When I was 20, I told Annie I was glad she was going to start University too and then, when she'd be done with it, we'd "come out" as we once said. She told me she didn't have the same feelings she used to, and though I was devastated, I told her I respected her decision. Whilst she wanted to remain friends, I said no. I spent the next 8 months dealing with depression (I would have panic attacks, insomnia,...).

I then discovered through my sister (since she used to be Annie's BFF) that Annie told my sis she knew it would never work between us (since 2014, so that's when I was 17) and that she fancied and had feelings for some other guy. I confronted Annie and asked her why she waited so many years to tell me the truth and why she waited so much time to end things with me. Here's what she said: "I appreciate you want clarification so I think the first thing to clarify is that nothing actually happened between us. Yes, when I was 13 or so, there was this conversation where you said you liked me and I said that too. That's it. There was nothing more. No talk about the future, no formalization, no nothing. When I told you I had feelings for you, I was experiencing things for the first time and tell you I loved you did not mean for me that we were in a relationship, and thus there was nothing for me to "end". I'm sorry you are hurt, however, I feel this situation was blown out of proportion as the truth is, nothing really happened, just two people telling each other they have feelings but no actions were taken." I tried convincing her at first that "Yes, there was something", but she ghosted me, so there's nothing I can really do.

Besides, I realize now that, since we never did anything physical, since it is true we didn't do anything in terms of actions, I realize now that perhaps I am the one who took things way too seriously. Granted she's the one who asked me to stall (though she either forgot about it, or wants to), but still, she's right that we didn't do anything a real couple does (apart from being close friends). We did discuss about the future (though again, I don't know why she says we didn't), but nothing more. After all, I am guessing she had just a teenage crush on me, but I completly fell for her, and thus ended up being hurt more. I also realize in retrospect that I was an open book to her, but she hasn't been to me (and again, I found that mystery attractive). Whilst I agree that she could have been clear with her intentions, dwelling on it isn't' the solution for me. After all, I can only look at my mistakes and try not to make the same ones in the future. However, I am completely "broken", as in I can't stop thinking about her or missing her. She was and still is my "first love" and every time I think about this it hurts me a lot. I feel fooled some days and curse her a lot, and sometimes I feel I am the one who's a fooling for taking things too far.

How do I move on from this? How do I forgive myself for being lead on? How do I heal? That's something I've trying to do for quite some time now, but I don't think my condition has been getting better and I came here a little bit out of desperation, as I really don't know what to do.

How do I move on from this? How do I forgive myself for being lead on? How do I heal? That's something I've trying to do for quite some time now, but I don't think my condition has been getting better and I came here a little bit out of desperation, as I really don't know what to do.

There's nothing to forgive. You didn't hurt anyone.

It seems that you do tend to fixate (as evidenced here. Are you this intense about anything else in your life (studies, hobbies, etc.) or is it just this one relationship?

I'm the guy that isn't able to let go until I don't find a satisfying solution, that goes for my Math problems as well. But you're right, with this particular situation, I am literally unable to move on and forget (I did hurt someone... I hurt myself. I clearly fooled myself into believing there was smth with this girl, when, looking in absolutes, there really wasn't anything.I also hurt her btw by telling her I refused to be her friend after she told me she didn't have the same feelings she used to).

The situation is understandable on both sides, really. You are both relatively young and are making your first forays into independent adulthood.

Some things have to be lived in order to be learned. You just (hopefully) learned that the same fixation that helps you solve a math problem doesn't work for the irregular, unpredictable patterns of human behavior--at least not in the short term.

Over time, larger patterns will emerge. But time and experience IS necessary.

So, going forward, practice patience. Don't dive in head first. "Hold on loosely" (old but true song lyric). Try not to fixate. Be a little flexible.

It's giving up on a dream that you held onto for a long time. Something you looked forward to and counted on. The thought of it brought you a lot of happiness and gave you direction, it might have even made you feel loved.

It's understandable why it's devastating to you. I think that's one of the most difficult parts of becoming an adult, is letting dreams go and letting things or people go that you don't want to.

But you can do this.

Process your feelings. Mourn the losses in your mind. Let go of what could have been, find a way to put it to rest and not let it overwhelm you.

It's a part of growth and can make you stronger, if you let it.

This is only a chapter in your life. But you will have many more chapters and not all of them will have sad endings.

Wow, that's the quote of the day... thank you

Unfortunately, you were hedging your bets on a kid who was far too young to be taken seriously, in terms of following through on daydreams about marriage and children. You took this as your future wife, it seems; she took this as a crush that eventually fizzled. I don't think this is a case of being led on. It's a case of two young teens who went through the very human of experience of liking each other, fantasizing about a future, but then growing up and moving on. I don't believe she intentionally tried to mislead you. She was simply a young girl who didn't really understand adult matters or her own mind yet.

Fortunately, though, you are also still very young and have plenty of opportunities in front of you - if you allow yourself to heal. It's true that getting over a first love is tough, but they are very rarely your only shot at love. There will be others, and they will be more mature and more likely to actually result in a lifelong commitment.

How do I move on from this? How do I forgive myself for being lead on? How do I heal? That's something I've trying to do for quite some time now, but I don't think my condition has been getting better and I came here a little bit out of desperation, as I really don't know what to do.

You need to focus on the present moment and take it one day at a time. You also need to stop feeling like a victim. What happened was that you two were not on the same page and that's not really anybody's fault. It happens quite often to young people when they first try on romance. The lesson to take from this is to never idealize people that you don't really know and who are fuzzy regarding their feelings about you/stall. There were many blanks in your interactions and your mind filled in these blanks with fantasy. No need to blame yourself though. This was your first experience with "love" and you didn't know any better. You can heal by accepting that you two turned out to be incompatible, that you now have proof that she was not fit for you (and that is OK) and that the person for you is still out there. The vast majority of people DON'T get it right the first time. In reality what happened was not out of the ordinary. Time to dust yourself up off and focus on your present and the people who are in your life right now. Let the past in the past.

Is this the same girl?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553858

In that thread you stated you had been in a relationship with her for 4 years.

Were you in fact in a relationship with her? Or does that thread refer to a different girl you were involved with for 4 years?