First "proper" date and parents want to meet him

Where I worked, inter office romance was frowned upon, I fell in love with my boyfriend when I saw him in the office. He couldn't ask me out nor could I ask him out, We added each other on social media and exchanged numbers and We talked on Facebook and whatsapp a lot. I talked about home (I moved from Ireland to the UK recently) and we met for coffee and lunches away from the office and did couple like things but in secret. As I would have had my probation fail because they stress the fact they don't want inter office relationships, due to a client thinking it will harm their business (We work in IT and do IT for many clients)

Now I've left the company (not because of this, but the office jokes were rude and unacceptable), so we've become official and public after 4 months. Before this we both agreed private and secret was right because of work. I'm not unhappy about that. I understand why, so now we've gone public and we are going to go on our first "proper" date. I'm a little nervous, I've come out (A little while ago but it still hurts a bit thinking about it) of an abusive relationship and I'm a little nervous, in my last relationships we never did dates or us time. I was at his beck and call back in Ireland that is a reason why I moved to the UK. I paid for everything, With my new boyfriend we share costs, He'd pay for lunch, I'd pay for coffee etc. This worries me on this date, He said he's organised it all, such as the restaurant and we haven't discussed who's paying or if we are going halves, Should I go with the intention of paying for it all? I'd like to go for drinks after around the city. Does that sound silly and I am going to sound silly but is it okay to ask him to do that if he has arranged something?

I've got photos of us, in my last relationship I wasn't allowed photos and I'd really like one of us on our first date as I love photo memories, Is this okay to ask or is it just a case to do?

I am staying the night at his house because there are few transport links back to where I am staying (He said he would sleep on the sofa, as I'm not ready for anything sexual). So I'm dropping a bag off in the morning, my mum suggests I should make an Irish breakfast on Sunday, I guess I'm just nervous. What if he doesn't like me after our proper date. Sorry I'm just really nervous and unsure.

I also feel I want to tell him I love him too, but again I'm scared he won't say it back.

My mum has said we both should fly over back to Ireland as my mum and dad want to meet him, is this too soon to ask? Even though we've been seeing each other for 4 months?

Any help would be amazing!

It sounds like he's a nice guy and things are going well. However it sounds like you have a bit too much unresolved baggage and are seeing too many things through the lens of your last relationship and that is obscuring your judgement and view of what's happening now. Stop trying to control and micromanage everything, relax go with the flow enjoy his company.

No this is not the time to blurt out "ily" relax and wait for the right moment. Yes it's too soon to take a plane trip to meet your parents. Try to stop putting the cart before the horse and being overly dependent on your mother's suggestions. Your mother seems to make you more anxious than dating him does. Who cares if or what you make for breakfast? Why add that stress to the equation? Why worry about bringing up a trip to your parents when that too is a bad idea at this point.

Think for yourself and focus on getting to know him and enjoying your dates. Stop running everything by your mother and listening to herwell meant but anxiety producing suggestions. If and when it gets to the right point, he'll introduce you to his family/friends and you can do the same.

If and when you are ready for intimacy then you can talk about exclusive dating. If and when it gets to the point that you're a couple, you can say ily. Stop worrying about "official" couple pics on social media, it's irrelevant. Focus on first things first like going on a date or having your first sleep over.

I've left the company. we've become official and public after 4 months. I've come out of an abusive relationship and I'm a little nervous

 

my mum suggests I should make an Irish breakfast on Sunday, What if he doesn't like me after our proper date.

 

I also feel I want to tell him I love him too, but again I'm scared he won't say it back.

 

My mum has said we both should fly over back to Ireland as my mum and dad want to meet him, is this too soon to ask?

It sounds like he's a nice guy and things are going well. However it sounds like you have a bit too much unresolved baggage and are seeing too many things through the lens of your last relationship and that is obscuring your judgement and view of what's happening now. Stop trying to control and micromanage everything, relax go with the flow enjoy his company.

 

No this is not the time to blurt out "ily" relax and wait for the right moment. Yes it's too soon to take a plane trip to meet your parents. Try to stop putting the cart before the horse and being overly dependent on your mother's suggestions. Your mother seems to make you more anxious than dating him does. Who cares if or what you make for breakfast? Why add that stress to the equation? Why worry about bringing up a trip to your parents when that too is a bad idea at this point.

 

Think for yourself and focus on getting to know him and enjoying your dates. Stop running everything by your mother and listening to herwell meant but anxiety producing suggestions. If and when it gets to the right point, he'll introduce you to his family/friends and you can do the same.

 

If and when you are ready for intimacy then you can talk about exclusive dating. If and when it gets to the point that you're a couple, you can say ily. Stop worrying about "official" couple pics on social media, it's irrelevant. Focus on first things first like going on a date or having your first sleep over.

I've already met some of his friends and we've been exclusive for 3 and a half months just in secret due to work. As for my mum in Irish culture your mum is really important hence we speak a lot.

As for the photo I apologise I mean a photo for my album and something to look at on my phone.

Thank you for replying.

I've already met some of his friends and we've been exclusive for 3 and a half months just in secret due to work. As for my mum in Irish culture your mum is really important hence we speak a lot.

 

As for the photo I apologise I mean a photo for my album and something to look at on my phone.

 

Thank you for replying.

Shauna you need a good old dose of self confidence

As for meeting your mum .. well a lot of people wouldn't want to meet the parents at only 3 months in and this is regardless of what your mum wants ..feel your way through this ..you know him , do you feel he is ready to go to Ireland and meet your clan .

Try not to focus too much on what happened in your past ( hard I know ) and what your mum would like .... do what feels right in your relationship and enjoy it .

Forgot to add ..your mum sounds amazing and supportive and I love to see that .

Eh, I wouldn't be pushing that fast, it could scare him off.

You should be trying to have things light right now being as it's right at the start of a relationship. You don't want to start taking pics and assuming you'll be looking at them years from now or asking him to meet your mom or even saying I love you.

In my opinion, all of those things are rushing and seem too fast.

Focus on becoming good friends with him first. Build a foundation, then decide if it's going to be a serious romance that will be long term.

Shauna you need a good old dose of self confidence

I'll try, I'm just really nervous for tonight. I really do want a picture, Even if I'm not with him, he's been in my life and I like to have things in pictures. regardless if we are together in years to come :)

As for meeting your mum .. well a lot of people wouldn't want to meet the parents at only 3 months in and this is regardless of what your mum wants ..feel your way through this ..you know him , do you feel he is ready to go to Ireland and meet your clan .

I'd like to show him Ireland even if its not to meet my parents, I'm biased but its a beautiful place. I know he has been to Dublin a few times for work but there is more to Ireland than that.

 

Try not to focus too much on what happened in your past ( hard I know ) and what your mum would like .... do what feels right in your relationship and enjoy it .

I do. Like today Ive dropped some things off and I've gone to get my hair done and some pampering. I'm having some me time. I'm quite the foodie, when we were dating in secret we found some small amazing places that I never would have found otherwise

 

Forgot to add ..your mum sounds amazing and supportive and I love to see that .

 

Thank you. She is, I'd be nothing without her

 

Thank you for replying

 

Eh, I wouldn't be pushing that fast, it could scare him off.

 

You should be trying to have things light right now being as it's right at the start of a relationship. You don't want to start taking pics and assuming you'll be looking at them years from now or asking him to meet your mom or even saying I love you.

 

In my opinion, all of those things are rushing and seem too fast.

 

Focus on becoming good friends with him first. Build a foundation, then decide if it's going to be a serious romance that will be long term.

 

Thank you for replying. We've been dating for 3 and a half months admittedly in secret. We have a lot in common and it goes so quick when I'm with him.

The fact that you don't have a total comfort level with him yet, questioning whether it's okay to take a photograph together or if it will be off-putting to ask him if you can go for drinks after what he's planned, means it's too early to take him to Ireland. Your reasoning, that you want him to see how pretty it is, is illogical at this point.

If you start rushing the relationship and bring it into a more serious zone than it's supposed to be at this point, you could ruin what could have been a great relationship. You have all the time in the world ahead of you for a trip when the time is right. Take it one day at a time with a wait and see attitude, to see how the relationship progresses past the honeymoon period. You haven't even progressed to the next level yet, being intimate. Enjoy each step, and make sure you also keep an independent life besides having a bf, spending time with girlfriends and hobbies/interests. Good luck.

If he organized it all, then he should pay, or you go halves.

Do not make other suggestions, if he has already arranged things. That would not be polite.

Do not tell him you love him. Wait.

Just chill out and have a good time.

Too soon to ask him to meet your parents. This is your official first date. Slow down.

Ask the server to take a pic. I would not put it on my wallpaper, though.

Do not talk about your ex. Focus on this relationship.

So I'm dropping a bag off in the morning, my mum suggests I should make an Irish breakfast on Sunday, I guess I'm just nervous. What if he doesn't like me after our proper date. Sorry I'm just really nervous and unsure.

Why does your mom know you are spending the night at his place. you are sharing too much information.

would not take a picture at a restaurant just to have a picture or to show people. wait for a true "picture taking" opportunity, like going to a historic site or place where pictures are common. Having a server take a picture unless you are on vacation is a little odd to me - don't take a picture just because you couldn't in your last relationship.

Also, have you been to counseling after your abusive relationship?*

So I'm dropping a bag off in the morning, my mum suggests I should make an Irish breakfast on Sunday, I guess I'm just nervous. What if he doesn't like me after our proper date. Sorry I'm just really nervous and unsure.

 

Why does your mom know you are spending the night at his place. you are sharing too much information.

would not take a picture at a restaurant just to have a picture or to show people. wait for a true "picture taking" opportunity, like going to a historic site or place where pictures are common. Having a server take a picture unless you are on vacation is a little odd to me - don't take a picture just because you couldn't in your last relationship.

Also, have you been to counseling after your abusive relationship?*

My friends and I. Have our pic taken at restaurants all the time. Don't know what is odd about it?

My friends and I. Have our pic taken at restaurants all the time. Don't know what is odd about it?

Well - girls night out spontaneous selfie is one thing. i had the impression she is preplan to try and get a photo of the two of them. She needs to let things happen organically, vs try to prepare to arrange a "first date photo"

Well - girls night out spontaneous selfie is one thing. i had the impression she is preplan to try and get a photo of the two of them. She needs to let things happen organically, vs try to prepare to arrange a "first date photo"

I agree. I was assuming since it was their first night out, it would just happen.

Hi Everyone

So last night was amazing, we went to a really nice steak restaurant, I felt so comfortable, even though we've had dates before this one felt more special, We ate and talked a lot, then we went for drinks after, we was having fun a lot of fun really enjoying ourselves and I'm not sure but one of us said to watch a film at his place. I fell asleep cuddled up on the sofa with him and I woke up checked my phone found a photo of us at his on the sofa.

Really really happy here

As for my new boyfriend knowing about my past he does, I've had counselling yes. I'm in a much happier place now.

The only thing I have to add is the ILY. You do need to take this one slow. At 4 months, you're just moving out of that honeymoon phase for a "normal" relationship. Yours has been "on the sly" and secret, so now that you're public, it's almost as if you're starting over with new rules. Four months is too soon IMO to express this, but I'd take on extra time in this case. It's too easy to confuse love and infatuation in the beginning, so just take this time to enjoy the feelings and the excitement and let things just evolve.

Good for you.

I agree with taking it slow.

From here on out, leave your ex out of conversations. It is between you and the new guy.

Thank you for your reply.

I have to admit I did hate "On the sly" and keeping it secret especially at Christmas, I'd have to love to be able to have been able to spend time with him or go the Christmas markets. Instead we were texting and calling when we could when I was in Ireland, and new year its not really the same over the phone.

We had to celebrate his birthday together in secret Its a shame the company doesn't allow in-office relationships because "it can disturb work" (They went as far as telling me they were going to monitor my emails to see if I was breaking it, being one of the few females in the office).

I felt really bad when the only other female in the office tried setting me up with someone or the other guys hitting on me, I was seeing the pain in my boyfriends eyes.

So we feel so free.

As for my ex. I don't talk about him, we do talk about Ireland because my boyfriend does have to travel out for work and we talk about places (And we actually have a favourite mutural fast food chain back home)

As far as email monitoring in the office? Well, yeah, I rather expect it. It's fair game. This is why when you're using IM or Lync or email or text within your workplace and using workplace phones and software, you maintain a professional and sterile demeanor.

Many places of business frown upon fraternizing within the workplace, and within good reason. Some industries really require a higher level of separation. Polices and procedure don't just come out of the woodwork all willy-nilly. There is a reason these policies are in place. The two of you broke the rules and could have been fired or relocated over it. Your risk.

I'm appalled that you, as a female, were threatened with a high level of monitoring. I expect the monitoring. I don't expect my gender to make me a target while my penisbearing counterparts are free to do what they want...??? I hope your male coworker got a similar warning, and if he didn't, well then...that's another issue.

As far as email monitoring in the office? Well, yeah, I rather expect it. It's fair game. This is why when you're using IM or Lync or email or text within your workplace and using workplace phones and software, you maintain a professional and sterile demeanor.

 

Many places of business frown upon fraternizing within the workplace, and within good reason. Some industries really require a higher level of separation. Polices and procedure don't just come out of the woodwork all willy-nilly. There is a reason these policies are in place. The two of you broke the rules and could have been fired or relocated over it. Your risk.

 

I'm appalled that you, as a female, were threatened with a high level of monitoring. I expect the monitoring. I don't expect my gender to make me a target while my penisbearing counterparts are free to do what they want...??? I hope your male coworker got a similar warning, and if he didn't, well then...that's another issue.

I agree that monitoring is fair game, we never e-mailed each other in the office nor did we do anything less than professional and yes we'd have been relocated and then because its different offices it becomes acceptable under the policy. They did not want same office romances.

As for my boyfriend, he didn't get a warning, nor was he monitored but I was threatened with it.