New here

I'm hoping this is a good place to meet new people. I am beginning the long process of separating from my husband of 25+ years in march and having people to talk to during the rough spots would be helpful. My marriage is toxic. My husband is toxic. I've learned a lot in order to be able to do what I am about to do. Never-the-less, he still triggers me as I'm so much more sensitive than I used to be, but I am thankful to be able to see clearly for the first time in decades. He doesn't have the power to gaslight me anymore and I have nothing to loose between him and I. What is going to be difficult is doing this with a preteen. I haven't told her I am leaving her father yet. He is going to give her a choice of whom to live with. Sadly, the play for favoritism has already started. All I can do is watch him do/say these things that work on her subconscious and try not to allow it to draw me into the game. Its ironic. Its the same basic behaviors he used on me when we first met, the supper nice guy that is so smart about the ways of the world.

Yesterday was hugely validating. In my class, we sometimes tell little stories of our lives but the class is mainly to give information to us, the students. I was relaying my experiences regarding the topics, as happens in this class but this time, during the first story the teacher/councilor exclaimed (really - never thought I'd ever used the word exclaimed) ... she exclaimed, "that's abuse!" Later, the same thing happened but this time she exclaimed, "He's a narcissist!" Both times she seemed dumbfounded, like we were in a class learning about puppies or something. I guess she just never realized she would encounter real abuse stories when talking to doormats like myself.

It would help you tremendously to consult an attorney asap and get appropriate advice and stop negotiating with your husband. That is harming everyone. For example it's not his call who gets custody, how much visitation, child support, etc. That is a judge's job.

Right now engage an attorney for the logistics to protect you and your child and a therapist to get appropriate guidance and support navigating all this including, when you do actually file, how to approach your child. Stop allowing your child to become a pawn and get to a therapist and attorney immediately.

It would help you tremendously to consult an attorney asap and get appropriate advice and stop negotiating with your husband. That is harming everyone. For example it's not his call who gets custody, how much visitation, child support, etc. That is a judge's job.

 

Right now engage an attorney for the logistics to protect you and your child and a therapist to get appropriate guidance and support navigating all this including, when you do actually file, how to approach your child. Stop allowing your child to become a pawn and get to a therapist and attorney immediately.

I totally agree with this. You need a mediator and help to defend your rights. Don't put this in his hands, it's not up to him to "give a choice" or manipulate anything.

I cannot fight him in court. He's spent over a decade convincing everyone he's Mr. Wonderful and I'm his crazy and abusive wife.

I cannot fight him in court. He's spent over a decade convincing everyone he's Mr. Wonderful and I'm his crazy and abusive wife.

Of course you can fight him in court! That's what attorneys are for. Please, please follow Wiseman's advice. And don't use your child as a pawn in all of this.

Question: If you don't intend going to court, what exactly do you plan on doing?

Of course you can fight him in court! That's what attorneys are for. Please, please follow Wiseman's advice. And don't use your child as a pawn in all of this.

 

Question: If you don't intend going to court, what exactly do you plan on doing?

I'm not using my child as a pawn. The three of you are going to have to trust that I know what I'm talking about. He has more to work with in a court battle. Sometimes life isn't ideal. Sometimes people need to do what they can with what they have. As for court, I cannot fight him.

As for court, I cannot fight him.

I don't understand why.

Do you think I should put the entire story of why he has me over a barrel here on a forum he could easily stumble across?

Do you think I should put the entire story of why he has me over a barrel here on a forum he could easily stumble across?

Without some context we can’t help.

Wasn't asking for help. I was hoping to meet a few people who could relate because I'm isolated atm. I don't mind saying things but not the things that are uniquely mine. That's not smart. That could or should be left for a closed conversation.

As this is an relationship advice forum, people assumed you were looking for advice.

You have no choice. That is what a divorce is. Whoever files is the "plaintiff" and whoever gets served papers is the "defendant". The only choice you have is to get to an attorney asap so you are the plaintiff rather than the defendant.

Either way you will have to get an attorney and have to have your marriage dissolved legally and you will have to have the courts decide on custody, visitation and child support. Your attorney "fights him in court", not you. Get to an attorney rather than sticking your head in the sand and waiting to get blindsided.

I cannot fight him in court.