Age 28. Am I a late bloomer or a loser?

Dear Forum members,

I broke up with my ex 4 and half months ago on the 2 year anniversary of when our relationship started, it was not planned.

We loved each other, it was the first real mutual love relationship in both of our lives. I broke up with her actually 3 times altogether. After the first break-up we made the "mistake" of staying in contact, the next time I made up by apologizing for being stupid and not trying hard enough to fix things. Unfortunately all the way I had the feeling that this relationship is not where I see myself in the long run, I couldn't see ourselves get marry. I think in spite of the love and appreciation for her - I wanted more experience before i settle, I wanted a mission in my career. I knew she would be a perfect mother, but we never talked about moving together or anything serious in that direction because we were both more busy with our career and our own lives, friends and family.

Now, after 4 and a half months I am in an emotional roller coaster trying to forget her but not being able to resist to check her youtube watch history all the time to see what she is interested in. we didn't delete each other on facebook and instagram and that also makes it difficult for me. We talked 2 weeks ago and she made up her mind to change career to become a massage therapist from being a project manager at a translation bureau. She knew she wanted to become a translator/interpreter in French since she was 16 years old, she played handball for 10 years until she got a serious injury. This inspires me to be more dedicated in the things I want to accomplish as well. But now, a little bit because of the people she got to know through me, she got interested in healthy lifestyle, diet and massage, but she kind of wanted to be a physiotherapist for a long time too. She admired me for being determined to study abroad even before we got to know each other and keeping to it - which now I want to throw out of the window - but with a feeling of "this is the right choice now".

Out of almost 2 years, 1 year was normal relationship seeing each other 4-5 times a week. The other 1 year was LDR. She always told me that distance makes small flames go out and big flames grow larger. She also said many times that struggle makes us strong. Now that we met after 4 months, she said that she realized struggle doesn't make us stronger, a relationship should be filled more with calmness and being able to enjoy the moments together without too much worry about the past or the future. She said that she can't love me now this way, because I cannot find my inner piece, I am always unsatisfied with where I am in life, she wants someone who she can lie down next to after a hard day, someone who is more determined in his way. She said also she would be sincerely the happiest person if I found my inner piece and my way, and If I do I should contact her, because maybe we still have a chance. But she will never be able to move abroad with me, she has her life in the country where we are from. She taught me to value myself, my family, my body much more.

Since I moved abroad, I am not satisfied with my studies, my job, the people who I am surrounded with, I constantly judge my colleagues my classmates that they are unintelligent and uninspiring and I want a change, but in this small town of 20 thousand people there are no social opportunities. I made the mistake of not changing my lifestyle in this past 4 months, not starting to work out, or learn something new. i stayed at home and watched tons of porn. Now for 1,5 months I have stopped watching porn and masturbating and I feel more in control, but I should stop following my ex on social media. i realized these were loser tendencies.

I feel like I am constantly jealous of her becoming a massage therapist, when actually I am mostly just hungry for sex, but of course i miss her, I miss her love and caring, the time and efforts she sacrificed for me and I did for her, but all these are selfish tendencies. I still cannot see ourselves together in the future, because our personalities and values are different. I learned from here to be more focused, have a daily routine, but I am still learning, it's a process. She learned from me to change her diet and prevent some of the diseases that she has tendencies for from her family and previous lifestyle. I have been playing piano for 15 years and I have a degree in business with a focus on management and finance. I have also many interests I want to be good at. Seeing her success with her new passion which is giving massages to other people, I am jealous that she gives tender care for other men and I wish I could be a massage therapist too so I could cope with my social anxiety, especially now after the break-up. I appreciate the spiritual part of massage, and the dedication she puts into understanding the theories related to health and spirituality.

All my friends and family are hoping I will have the strength to stay abroad, change a job or fix my lifestyle here, but I am feeling more and more desolate and not seeing the fruit of my efforts and I am losing the motivation with this study program in teaching, I am missing my previous career. I am thinking of putting this program on hold for a semester and moving back home, to loosen up socially and emotionally a bit, and to use the resources that I have built in my home country socially and also professionally in the past 8 years. Unfortunately those experiences in this other country don't really worth anything because of the language barrier, but my goals have changed and I don't see myself in this country in the future either (maybe I would come back for a master's study program)

I feel like I have commitment issues, but I definitely need to see my friends back home again, to start a new course in some areas I wanted for a long time. I know that I am deceiving myself with the attachment feelings I still show towards my ex. I need to let her go, the same way she let me go.

Much of my anxiety comes from that I lost my virginity at the age of 25 and I have only been with 3 women in my life including my ex girlfriend who i was together for 2 years. Before the age of 25 i was on the edge of being included and excluded from social circles in my classes and I had a girlfriend for 5 months in high school who I used to kiss with and bond personally, talk about everything. I wanted to become a jazz pianist but first I wanted to show that I can earn a degree in something that gives me a financial background, I graduated with good to excellent results, but I wanted to try something new, which now didn't seem to work out after 1,5 years. I need a break. But I need to face my insecurities and my social anxiety - I might need to take a dance, martial arts or yoga class - and a web design and a jazz piano course - or even one in massage therapy. I need to socialize with like minded people in the big city where I come from originally. I missed a father figure when I grew up but it's time that I replace that father figure with more determination. I have huge problems with committing to a career, I get constantly distracted and dissatisfied with people or challenges. I need to listen to my inner voice better and set priorities - I need to put things in perspective - even at the cost of finding my way even later in life - I need a way out of this depression I had for the last 8 months in this country.

My friends in Hungary are more like one on one friends - who I like to have a dinner, lunch, beer with - not like a friend circle - it's more like I have 2 good friends who invited me to their friend circles, but it's not my own. I have never really invited people over to my house - except for one birthday party at the age of 26. My ex girlfriend always celebrated new year's eve at her place with her girlfriends, she used to drink twice or three times every week from age 18 to 22. I have never been a huge drinker - I got wasted probably 8-10 times in my entire life - other than that - I have been having fun with crazy people - but I kind of always felt socially anxious for missing out on something - even in high school - when my male classmates gave back massages to my female classmates I felt jealous and except for 2 instances (failures) I never fought too hard for the love of any girl. With my ex girlfriend it was an immediate spark of chemistry in a bar.

So the question is - with 3 girls who I got laid with - and quite a few kisses in parties - age 25 of losing virginity - never taking the virginity of any girl ever - and not having streaks of drinking night after night - hair of a dog style - am I behind in social and sexual development at the age of 28? I have been getting compliments from girls since high school - but never had the courage to make moves - without feelings any spark. I know it's kind of my own decision how I feel about myself - but I am curious about what you think. How could I let go of these feelings of being discriminated being left out of the fun - comparing myself to other people's experience levels all the time? My ex girlfriend was not much more sexually experienced than me - she had sex only with another guy before me - but she also kissed quite a few guys in parties - maybe this way also something that made our bond stronger (that we didn't have many sexual partners before - and we could trust easier). I am always bit discouraged when I see sexually liberal women - it puts me off and turns me on at the same time. I feel like women can have such a pride in their expressions of sexual freedom, and power over their own bodies (even self care like massage or fitness) - and it makes me jealous when a women is talking freely about her sexual experiences - or even knowing she had more than me - it makes me jealous - especially if it's a girl that I like.

Honestly, it sounds like you need to discover your own values, what you truly want, and who you truly are. Traveling is good for self discovery. There is a notion that if you become good at doing what needs to be done, the feelings take care of themselves so, find things you love to do. Do those things you love and then you will discover you, what you want, and what you value. That's kind of what your girl is saying to you. knowing this of yourself brings inner peace.

In my early twenties I travelled. I spent 7 months in the US and 8 months in Canada. I loved it but it also can be a way of escaping responsivlbilitis I think. Besides, I really feel jealous of her for becoming a massage therapist right after we broke up. But I feel bad for assuming she has sexual motives to do so because she is a caring person. I want to move to a bigger city now to be able to go out and meet more new people. So I can get my mind off her.

So do it. You're young. I don't know what to say. I envy your freedom.