Is She Using Me?

Hi everyone, so--

4 months ago I met this girl on a dating app. We began talking casually but she told me about a week into us just messaging that someone she was in love with just got into a relationship and even though she wanted to meet me and looked forward to my messages, so she wanted us to be friends first. I didn't have any issue with this because we hadn't met and I didn't like her as more than a stranger anyway. Now it's been months and we've hung out multiple times and we text everyday. I've found myself genuinely starting to like her and sometimes I get the vibe she may like me back, however I cant let go of what she told me before.

The last girl I dated was secretly in love with someone who was also in a relationship and the moment they became available, my girlfriend cheated on me and is now dating that same person. I can't tell if I'm feeling anxious because of that previous situation or if this new girl is doing the same thing, simply "buying time" until her real interest opens up again.

I feel like things have changed between us and it almost feels like we could be more but even if she did like me, I'm not sure how real that actually is. I guess I'm just asking for advice. I'm have pretty bad anxiety and have very little dating experience so...any advice helps.

It sounds like she is doing exactly what she said she was going to do, which is pursue a friendship with you before deciding on whether she wanted a relationship with you. Furthermore, she advised you in advance that she had a crush on someone else. So no, I don't think she is using you.

She may genuinely like you as a friend. There was never any guarantee that the relationship between you would grow into more than that.

If you find yourself liking her more, then you need to act decisively and let her know. Ask her to be your girlfriend. If she is unsure or says "no," then you need to move on. You only have yourself to blame if you keep waiting around.

Well, there is certainly a lot of anxiety driving the ship here, beginning with the way you've titled this post.

Because no, she is not using you. Not at all. There is literally zero crossover between this situation and what happened to you in your last relationship. Zero.

She was completely straight with you from the beginning, asking to hang out as fiends because she was in love with someone else. And what have you been doing since then? You have been hanging out as friends.

Now, at this point, you are not being straight with her. You are developing more-than-friendly feelings, and you're wondering if she is as well, which is to say that for you this "friendship" is actually you hanging around her and seeing if she wants to be more than friends too and feeling kind of "used" because she's not immediately making it clear that she feels the way you do.

There is a very simple way to find out how she feels, to avoid even feeling used: You tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels.

That said, some questions. What's up with the guy she's in love with? Like, in this months-long friendship, has she talked about him? Has she been going on other dates? Have you?

I ask those questions for two reasons: to try to understand her, and to better understand the nature of this friendship. Like, is it really a friendship, meaning you guys are talking openly about your lives? Or is one of these sorta friendships that kind of feel like dating—the comfort, the regular contact, the person to chill with on Friday—just without the saucier perks of dating?

Do you think you're just the rebound guy? If so then bow out of this. If not then try to step this up past "texting and hanging out" and start dating and getting romantically involved. You're treating this like a just friends situation, why?

it's been months and we've hung out multiple times and we text everyday. I've found myself genuinely starting to like her and sometimes I get the vibe she may like me back.

You are on a dating site and chose someone who, through her refreshingly straightforward honesty, signaled to you that you could be in the exact same situation as your most recent failed relationship. Do you think that is a coincidence that you chose to continue communicating with her? Probably not. You have some personal things to work through. A dating app is for meeting a lot of people and hopefully ending up connecting with someone for a healthy dating relationship. This one told you upfront that she isn't that person. You appear to be dating to work through the hurt of your previous relationship, as in if you can overcome this situation, the previous similar one won't hurt as much. You may need to take a break from dating and also spend less time communicating with this current friend to avoid further wishful attachment.

Yes she is using you, once she is over her ex she will be gone and off dating someone else. The fact she was on a dating app while nowhere close to being over her ex is proof positive, on top of the fact that she even told you. Cut ties and find someone that is actually ready to date and looking. Dealing with this one is just spinning your tires in the mud and nothing else.

I had a similar thing happen a few years ago, a few really great dates and then she called me in tears saying her ex of 12 years had just got engaged and she wasn't over him. She's still single 3+ years later.

Tell her you are not interested in being friends and that she can call you if she changes her mind, then start dating other women, if she calls she calls but don't hold your breath.

Hi everyone, so--

 

4 months ago I met this girl on a dating app. We began talking casually but she told me about a week into us just messaging that someone she was in love with just got into a relationship and even though she wanted to meet me and looked forward to my messages, so she wanted us to be friends first. I didn't have any issue with this because we hadn't met and I didn't like her as more than a stranger anyway. Now it's been months and we've hung out multiple times and we text everyday. I've found myself genuinely starting to like her and sometimes I get the vibe she may like me back, however I cant let go of what she told me before.

 

The last girl I dated was secretly in love with someone who was also in a relationship and the moment they became available, my girlfriend cheated on me and is now dating that same person. I can't tell if I'm feeling anxious because of that previous situation or if this new girl is doing the same thing, simply "buying time" until her real interest opens up again.

 

I feel like things have changed between us and it almost feels like we could be more but even if she did like me, I'm not sure how real that actually is. I guess I'm just asking for advice. I'm have pretty bad anxiety and have very little dating experience so...any advice helps.

Never, ever accept an offer of friendship from a woman unless that is what you genuinely and sincerely want. Yes you are being used. To her you're a nice guy, real sweet. You're also not in the running. She's keeping you around until her priority is single again. Then it will be 'awwww you're so sweet but I said in the beginning we're just friends, you'll find a girl that deserves you some day'. You can take this advise to the bank.

Do you think you're just the rebound guy? If so then bow out of this. If not then try to step this up past "texting and hanging out" and start dating and getting romantically involved. You're treating this like a just friends situation, why?

sounds like a rebound to me