found gay/ trans porn on my boyfriends history

Hi,

i recently found gay porn and trans porn on my boyfriends computer history along with a gay chat site called chaterbate. he says the chat site was a pop up and i think i believe him as he went back onto the porn site to show me that is was a pop up and it didn just open without him searching for it.

he also had alot more straight porn... alot of porn on his history.

when i spoke to him about it he said that he is addicted to porn and he was only watching these things because normal porn has got boring, and this is more exciting as its more tabboo.

he has a really high sex drives asks for sex at least twice a day but in the 16 months weve been together hes only 'came' from sex a handful of times. he said its always been like this for him and i always thought its because he masterbates too much and grips too hard.

i realise thinking about it now our sex life hasnt been the best recently, im always too tired and turning him down or i just dont really put much effort in so i can understand why he would be watching so much porn.

i just dont know what to do now, i do beleive him as hes the last person i thought would be gay but then theres a part of me that thinks hes just really good at hiding it or hasnt admitted it to himself yet.

i was pregnant last year and lost the baby at the begining of december, we were going to start trying again. now im just terrified that 2 years or 5 years down the line hes going to come out and say he is gay.

he is the best person i have ever met and im so in love with him. he is literally the best boyfriende i have never worried about him being unfaithful or anything before i trust him completly he is the most caring and lovely man ive ever met.

im really at a loss i dont want to talk to any friends about it. i just want to know if this can be normal as ive read alot on the internet that 20 something % of straight guys admitted to watchingt gay porn etc.

am i over reacting? what do i do? do i end things with him? (we live together) or do we work through it and ill try to forget about it?

P.s since this happened weve had the best kinkiest sex and ive actually tried harder to please him and he came every time.

Thank you!!!

I don't necessarily think he is gay, OP. There are people out there who view same-sex porn without actually harboring a secret desire to act on it. Also, it could indeed be true that his porn site of choice opened a pop-up chat window. I would keep my eyes and ears open, but in and of itself, his porn viewing history isn't evidence of sexual orientation.

However, I also don't think you should try to forget about this either. Why? Because he's telling you he has a porn addiction. And it evidently is interfering in your sex life if he has that much trouble reaching climax with you. A porn addiction is not something you want to just sweep under the rug.

I would hold off on any plans to start a family unless and until he takes measurable and concrete action to address his addiction.

It's more disconcerting that he needs increasingly "taboo" stimulation. Be more concerned with sex addiction and what he will progress to such as random sexual encounters etc. Stop trying to get pregnant and get a full panel of STD testing including HIV hepatitis C and B etc. Use protection. Usually what you happen upon is the tip of the iceberg. I wouldn't worry about whether he's gay or not I would worry about his possible "taboo" extracurricular activities.

he said that he is addicted to porn and he was only watching these things because normal porn has got boring, and this is more exciting as its more tabboo.

I don't think your boyfriend is gay. People seem to think there's hard and fast rules about being gay or straight, its not like that at all actually. Its possible he's bi sexual, especially if he's watching gay or trans porn, I don't think hetro guys watch this at all, I certainly don't but then again I don't think in these sort of conventions (meaning that people are defined by their sexual orientations).

If you are worried about his attraction to you dying over the years it is more likely for him to fall in love with another women then for him to just turn gay. Its possible that straight men who have been in a marriage for 40 years to turn out to be gay as well, there's no hard science.

Rather than being concerned about something which you have no control over, like his feelings towards you. Maybe it makes more sense to just work on yourself and your relationship, things you can control. This is almost like if you told me that you were worried about your boss firing you and you weren't sure if you wanted to buy a house.

Like what can anyone say about that, if you really want a house buy a damn house, if you don't then don't. If you boss fires you after you bought the house well that sucks look for another job I guess, but I'm not living in the past or the future I'm living in the here and now.

Good luck btw.

hi,

thanks for your reply! when i say forget about it i mean forget about the gay part not all of it.. hes not a very open person so i know it took alot for him to tell me that, we spoke about him going to speak to somebody to help and all adult sites have been blocked. im just worried its just an excuse because he doesnt want to admit hes gay. but like i said there was alot more straight porn that gay porn.

thank you xxxx

i trust him completly 100% that he has never cheated. i had full std test when i found out i was pregnant last year and they all came back clear :)

hi,

 

thanks for your reply! when i say forget about it i mean forget about the gay part not all of it.. hes not a very open person so i know it took alot for him to tell me that, we spoke about him going to speak to somebody to help and all adult sites have been blocked. im just worried its just an excuse because he doesnt want to admit hes gay. but like i said there was alot more straight porn that gay porn.

 

thank you xxxx

And that's something that nobody here can begin to guess, really.

I would see to it that he follows up with getting help for the porn addiction. That can quickly spiral out of the control and sometimes lead to seeking out other, more risky stimulation offline as well. It's definitely very concerning.

In the future 2 things. Time and money.

Time. How much time is he going to spend with you and particularly with a new baby when he's off in a parking lot, the garage, wherever getting off to increasingly taboo porn?

Money. Will money be going toward the household or pay per view live sex cams? Will money be deposited in your child's college fund or spent on male/female escorts?

So yes he hasn't technically cheated yet that you know of but he is secretive for a reason and it's not because he's "shy about possibly being gay".

hes not a very open person so i know it took alot for him to tell me that, we spoke about him going to speak to somebody to help and all adult sites have been blocked.

i really dont think he would ever ever do that. he puts me first in pretty much everything he does. hes very sensible with money and is currently supporting me finacially. he spends all his time with me or at work or in the gym or out with friends. we both work in pubs and has been doing this while ive been sleeping and he couldnt sleep

You boyfriend needs help with his sex addiction. it's not normal to be watching porn to this degree nor it is normal to have to have "kinky" sex all the time in order to orgasm.

Watching porn and being over sexed can make a person over stimulated, in a very bad way.

It's not unlike any other addiction. The usual amount of whatever, won't work anymore and the levels will increase more and more of what they are needing or order to get their high.

He is delving into more obscure porn, like he has told you, because regular sex doesn't do it for him anymore.

No doubt he will start in on porn videos that involve masochism, pain, etc. It could also mean him becoming obsessive about sex and even needing it to be with other people.

He needs help and he needs to withdraw from his porn addiction.

Sex will become a real problem for him if he does not.

He could possibly start having erection issues and delayed ejaculation or none ejaculation (as you've already said he does have from time to time).

Sex with him as his partner will become an issue as well. He won't find it pleasurable anymore with usual sex or with just one person.

It will bring you further apart and he will find sex being more about sex only, instead of something that's meant to be intimacy and about love.

But he can't do this alone, he needs professional help.

Better now than before it get's worse.

The fact that he told you he is addicted: THAT is your concern. Addiction indicates he is overwhelmed by something, and is escaping that by investing in his addiction, which addiction escalates as he turns to it again and again.

The addiction is the problem, not the porn itself.

there are many angles here - it's not an all or nothign deal. So let's break it down.

1. Porn addiction is an issue. You can already see how it's affecting your bedroom life. That he is wandering into more taboo versions of it means the stimuli required for him to orgasm is a bit off the charts. The more he requires deviant stimuli to orgasm, the less pleasurable your bedroom life will be.

2. Is he gay? Yeah he could be. He might not be. He very well could be bi (which nobody has mentioned yet). It is what it is and obviously you can't change that - he can only admit or acknowledge what it is if he hasn't yet. This is somethign i think based on your relatiosip and how it is, that you guys could actually talk about and you can ask if you need to know or this changes anything.

3. He seems on the up and up and not being a horrible person - he just has an addiction, and it happens to be porn. Because it's moving into the "taboo" it should really be dealt with so therapy is probably a good idea for him to see what this is all about, why, and if it's masking or covering for something else that needs to be dealt with. All, of course, with your loving support...

I know this doens't answer of your questions right out of the gate. But this is going to be a process with him - and hopefully a professional who can help out.

Good luck.

There mere fact that he admits that the regular porn was no longer satisfying his addiction, so he escalates it trans or gay. Just like any other addiction they build a tolerance to it. What happens after this and after you no longer satisfy him? I don't think the temptation to try anything in order to be satisfied should be discounted.

I think your focus is wrong. You are worried that he might be gay to turn gay?

You should be concerned that he has a sex addiction to begin with.

His addiction is a symptom of a bigger a problem.

I'm going to take a slightly different approach than others on here.

You don't need to give me a play-by-play on the recent kinky sex, but let me ask you: Was it, whatever you did, good for you? Was it fun? Did it feel natural? Like some kind of overdue breakthrough in your intimate life? Or did it feel weird and icky and "deviant," as others have interrupted it?

I don't want to downplay his use of the word addiction in the context of his porn habits, but I think a lot of people turn to porn because they're scared to open up, sexually, with their partners. They're scared to admit that x or y turns them on, worried their partner will think they're a freak, maybe because they kind of worry they're a freak, and so they turn inward, to the screen, where the pixels are endless and the risk of outside judgment non-existent.

In terms of what he was looking at, what it might mean, be it if he is gay or if his addiction is escalating—well, sure, maybe. Could also just mean he's a straight dude who likes to look at gay porn, sometimes. Which, hey, no judgement. When it comes to sex my take is: whatever gets you off. And the more honest you can be about that, the better time you'll have out there away from the screen.

Anyhow, for you, OP: if you guys can make this something you can explore together—both some sexual interests and the curbing of addictive habits—this could potentially be an awesome chapter for you guys. But not if it feels sketchy and deviant for you. No, no to that.

It was fun yes and felt good. and i feel alot better for it.

weve spoken alot hes going to speak to somebody to help, theres more than just this stuff going on with him so i think that its a good idea anyway, and of course i will love and support him.

i trust him more than anyone ive ever met, i think thats why it hurt so much more whe i found out.

thanks everyone

I'm going to take a slightly different approach than others on here.

 

You don't need to give me a play-by-play on the recent kinky sex, but let me ask you: Was it, whatever you did, good for you? Was it fun? Did it feel natural? Like some kind of overdue breakthrough in your intimate life? Or did it feel weird and icky and "deviant," as others have interrupted it?

 

I don't want to downplay his use of the word addiction in the context of his porn habits, but I think a lot of people turn to porn because they're scared to open up, sexually, with their partners. They're scared to admit that x or y turns them on, worried their partner will think they're a freak, maybe because they kind of worry they're a freak, and so they turn inward, to the screen, where the pixels are endless and the risk of outside judgment non-existent.

 

In terms of what he was looking at, what it might mean, be it if he is gay or if his addiction is escalating—well, sure, maybe. Could also just mean he's a straight dude who likes to look at gay porn, sometimes. Which, hey, no judgement. When it comes to sex my take is: whatever gets you off. And the more honest you can be about that, the better time you'll have out there away from the screen.

 

Anyhow, for you, OP: if you guys can make this something you can explore together—both some sexual interests and the curbing of addictive habits—this could potentially be an awesome chapter for you guys. But not if it feels sketchy and deviant for you. No, no to that.

I agree with this.

There’s nothing unhealthy or wrong with ‘kink’

That’s not to say he doesn’t have an addiction or that there aren’t underlying issues, I do think over use is an issue, but it could very well be that he wants to explore different things sexually with you.

Don’t go from 0 - 100 just yet. Stay aware, but trust and communicate with your partner.