My boyfriends brothers girlfriend is making me depressed

Hello :)

I am with my boyfriend now 2 years and have lived together for a year and a half. My hometown is an hour away and i met my boyfriend shortly after i moved here for work. 10 months ago my boyfriends younger brother met his first girlfriend (at 24)- the girl he started dating had two children previously from two different fathers and was also 24. 3 months into dating, my boyfriends brother came over to ours and announced his girlfriend was preganant.

This was a big shock, as my boyfriend instantly jumped to- shes trapped him...what are we going to do ?

Sadly, she lost the baby very early on (about 4 weeks)- and because they had said this was an accident and not planned we thought that it wasnt their intention to start a family so shortly after meeting.

After this we went on a social night out, and i was going to go home around 1am but my boyfriend wanted to stay out later. I said i would go on ahead home and see him whenever. When i told this girl i was going home, she said with him? i said no hes wanting to stay on out. This lead to a lecture on how i should stand up for myself and not let him treat me badly and that he should be heading with me, wasnt treating me right...

Shortly after this we all went to a cafe for breakfast, when chatting with her on my own she told me that shes going to get pregnant again as soon as possible and because of how heartbroken her boyfriend was, it would be great if it happened soon. Next told me that she didnt understand why people worked full time when you can get a full time wage by having children anyways....

This really upset me, as im 28 and marriage and children are something id love in the near future, but because ive studied for over 5 years and worked hard at building a career, those things i believed where going to come naturally because id worked hard for a good life. When i mention engagement or children to my boyfriend- he starts to curl up into a wee ball- wanting to escape the conversation.

So 3 months ago now, (3 months after the miscarriage) they have announced there having a baby again. My boyfriend started to accept that this was making his brother so happy and started getting closer to his girlfriend.

On christmas day, i went to his house in the evening (my 10yr old cat had passed away the day before and i really shouldnt have went) when i arrived, my boyfriends family where there and his girlfriend, her two kids, parents and grandparents. I felt very overwhelmed (as i didnt know they were all there), especially because my boyfriend was telling how great his christmas was and how he loved having his brothers girlfriend in the family. He actually said it felt complete. (He was rather drunk) Ive never felt so disregarded in my life...he bought his family a trip away in a couple of months, and it was part of my christmas present.

This was so that he could get to know his brother girlfriend better as she was carrying his neice or nephew and loved her like a sister. Tonight he is going to help them move house, but yet he was on holiday with his brother when i moved our full house on my own.

Its all a bit much for me, i constantly feel like im over-reacting but theres always something else he will do for them, that he hasnt been able to do for me. Im at the point where i may have to break up with my boyfriend because i dont like how hes treating me like a second class citizen while accepting all the decisions his brother and girlfriend do, and going as far as helping them out to do it.

Side note: My boyfriends family have a large business, my boyfriend basically runs it now, his younger brothers anxiety has been so bad for years that he does minimal work and gets the same wage, my boyfriend works saturdays and cannot commit to any plans i try make because hes so busy, yet his brother is taking time off to run errands for his girlfriend and kids because she doesnt drive or work. I feel like she knows she will benefit in the end, i have made a website for the company, done user research, marketing and created a online service but now i am going to chose not to help out their business because im always working hard to make something right when everyone seems to choose what they want and everyone else can deal with it.

Thank you for any advice you may have,

If you don't lighten up, you are going to exit this family.

It sounds like your boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend really want to have this child.

Some people are more family-oriented than career-oriented. I know you are probably offended that she says she can make a "full time wage" by having children. Well, motherhood really is a job. And not every woman wants a career outside of motherhood. In the US, this is frowned upon, but in some countries governments actually support parents financially. They recognize that motherhood is one of the hardest jobs out there and view the financial support as an investment in the country's future.

Reduce the amount of time you spend with her and increase your boundaries. Do not share personal information or opinions with her and if she goes on about hers, let it go in one ear and out the other. There is nothing wrong with your bf accepting his brother's gf and being happy for them.

The problem is between you and your bf. You want to talk about future, marriage and children and he doesn't. All of this has to do with a lack of communication between you and your bf and a lack of fulfilled expectations.

You need to stop resenting his family or complaining about them and get to the point about your expectations and what you want out of this live-in arrangement. Also you moved in with him very very quickly, before you really knew him because you were new in town.

Talk to you bf privately and when you are both calm and receptive. Do not act jealous and envious and catty about his bf's gf, because that has nothing to do with this. Also stay away from phrases like "second class citizen". Are you from a different culture than your bf and his family?

Instead focus on your needs, expectations and what your bf can do about it. If you think you are wasting time playing house indefinitely when you would rather have a commitment/start a family you need to be clear and honest and make a decision about that. If he seems indifferent to all that, you need to find your own place and stop wasting time with him.

I am with my boyfriend now 2 years and have lived together for a year and a half.

 

This really upset me, as im 28 and marriage and children are something id love in the near future When i mention engagement or children to my boyfriend- he starts to curl up into a wee ball- wanting to escape the conversation.

 

Im at the point where i may have to break up with my boyfriend because i dont like how hes treating me like a second class citizen while accepting all the decisions his brother and girlfriend do, and going as far as helping them out to do it.

I'm sorry you're in this position, OP. I get why you are frustrated.

I see one primary issue here:

You and your boyfriend don't have much couple time together, you don't feel like you're a priority and he also skirts around any talk of marriage or otherwise making a bigger commitment to you.

If you haven't already, I think you and your boyfriend need to have a very honest conversation. I would keep the girlfriend's name out of it, and instead concentrate on how you are concerned that your relationship isn't receiving the time and care it needs to stay healthy. Outline what you want/need, and ask him if he feels he's still on the same page as you. You might hear an answer you don't like, but it's not wrong to voice your concerns with how things have been going. The brother's girlfriend sounds entitled and immature, but she isn't really the issue.

How were things between you two prior to this girl entering the scene?

@Jibralta Thanks for your reply,

We are very different people- i didnt choose to have a career over children, i chose to have a career then children. My issue lies there that she has chosen to have children (to the third father), and allow others to pick up the financial burden of that, as well as the emotional burden. That may roll into the hands of family and also the family business which is also the parents retirement plan. Im wondering if i marry into this family- will my financial security be always in jeprody because we arnt all working towards the same goal as such.

We where obviously brought up very differently and was definitely not encouraged to have children to every guy i dated.

I kinda feel bad for the two children, already been separated from their dads as she wont allow visitation because of her new boyfriend, they have a new granny (the 3rd one for the youngest in 4 years)

I just wouldnt do it myself, and i wonder if i will have to support my boyfriend again through depression and anxiety over the heads of their future choices.

The emotional burden i think is if for the third time she will walk out shortly after the babys born and stop access, like she has done twice before.

@wiseman2 Thanks for your reply!

It really has opened my eyes to the fact that it is alot to do with my boyfriend and his lack of commitment, and even know i dont know anyone else that has rushed into things like his brother has- i shouldnt compare it to my relationship.

My parents are christian, and i was brought up with a level of expectation- bundled by the fact that i whole heartedly wanted to respect my parents with the choices i've made (ive had plenty of fun and i dont go to church every week) so i think this is why it harder for me to accept that you can just do things like this without consequence.

(have children without planning/ without commitment to the father / not a joint decision to begin with / expecting parents to support child and grandchildren)

We are both from the same country (northern ireland) - sorry second class citizen is the wrong term, rather than im not a priority. I would like to be a priority to him, but i can no longer be with so much going on in his family- making them first priority (and we will see if i have time...sort of attitude for me).

My boyfriend is a soft natured guy- he's recently went on tablets for the anxiety which started when she announced the first pregnancy, and that has settled him alot. I told him countless times everythings going to be okay (but never mentioned how put out i felt, because it seemed so irrational) and now that hes happy about everything and im still very anxious about it all, hes starting to turn on me for not being over the moon about it all.

Thanks so much for replying to this, i really really apprechiate it!

Being this judgmental and this catty and this petty and this snobby about his brother's gf is not and will never address your real issues regarding your bf and his lack if commitment to you.

When you stop sticking your nose in the air about her and start talking to your bf about what is troubling you, your issues will clear up. You are seething with envy because she has what you want. Love and support from your bf's brother, a commitment, family and love and acceptance from your bf and his family. Maybe they all recoil from you because of your uppity snotty attitude in general and your catty attitude toward her.

 

We where obviously brought up very differently and was definitely not encouraged to have children to every guy i dated. I kinda feel bad for the two children, already been separated from their dads as she wont allow visitation because of her new boyfriend, they have a new granny (the 3rd one for the youngest in 4 years)

@wiseman2

I actually put out a hand of friendship to this girl on several occasions at the start of their relationship. I got nothing in return, she didnt want to get to know me, infact she specifically told everyone she had social anxiety and refused to get to know me or any of his friends girlfriends. (And before you try and scrutinise me again, she specifically mentioned that i was prettier than her and had a good career and thats why she felt threatened, so i went in with good intensions)

I think that was a good "act" because now that shes pregnant, shes a social butterfly with everyone....

Yeah i can be judgemental, but its a true reflection of how i have been treated and now feel about this girl. My boyfriend is willing to see past it because shes now "family" - 10 months ago, i had never met her.

I dont think i have a snobby attitude- i dont know if you have had several kids to different dads but maybe thats why your not able to understand the differences between us and what im having to give up in order for others to benefit through no choice of my own.

Calling me a snobb and everything else is rather small of you- not everyone can be unemployed, have kids to half the country and still be better off. If thats her choice, shes made it, im dealing with a matter thats beyond looking down their nose at someone.

Im beyond a situation where im being catty- (have never directly targetted her apart from this thread, in which im speaking openly about how the countrys set up to exhaust those who want to do better in society with little benefit compared to those who choose not to contribute. )Im not above her, im different- it actually says that at the top.

When i talk to my boyfriend, its not instantly going to make him turn round and say YES, lets get married or lets have a baby- nor do i want those things right now.

I would like to be made a priority- but what ive explained above is saying im being neglected in this situation, through no choice or control of my own and i would like to be able to come to some understanding of how to make it better.

One thing ive thought about is cutting down my hours at work, taking a job where i travel for work or taking time out of work to go and travel because this situation i never expected to happen is not going to change.

How are any of those solutions going to change the fact that you are not getting what you want from this relationship? He won’t commit and you want a commitment. By all means, travel and/or get a new job, but break up, take some time and look for someone with the same goals you have. You are getting angrier and more resentful as time passes and you are less and less fulfilled. There are other fish in the sea.

Setting aside everyone else and looking at you and your bf alone, if you're still wanting to marry him at some point and have children with him, you need to have another discussion with him and don't let him worm his way out of it. I'm sure you must have a timeline/deadline of when these events should happen by, since you have a biological time clock for giving birth, and after 2 1/2 years together, he has had plenty of time to know you well enough to decide if you're a great lifetime partner or not.

Because if you two don't match on major life decisions, you're basically wasting your time. If you're basically upset or frustrated on a daily basis, either ask for what you want from him (concrete examples) and see if he cares enough to follow through, or decide the relationship isn't what you wanted for your one precious life and end what is not working. Take care.

What do you mean he "curls up into a ball?" Never seen a man do this. I understand the euphemism, but there's dialogue or there's not. It'd be helpful to know his actual spoken feelings on the matters of marriage and kids. Understanding you're two years in, so still what I'd consider relatively early in terms of actually committing to a plan, he and you should be on the same page as far as those two big goals actually being on the table.

I understand where you're coming from.

It might not be popular opinion and might sound "catty" but let's be honest here. This woman is popping out kids and expecting other people to pay for it. She has no sense of responsibility in regards to financing her own children.

It's not okay and I can't stand these type of people.

If you're going to bring children into this world...work to pay for them yourself!!

Then, she is sleeping around and having not one, but will have 3 baby daddies!

No, that's not okay either. Where are her morals? How difficult is it to use a condom?

So yes, I understand your dislike for her.

The unfortunate part is, it won't change anything. Your boyfriend and his family seem perfectly fine with her. That's just how it is.

You don't like how your boyfriend approves of someone like her, again, I understand.

But again, it won't change anything.

If you feel this badly about her and the situation, the only choice you've got, is to leave it.

You can't force people to change their minds and you can't stay resenting and seething.

I'm not sure how you can change your mind about her and I doubt your boyfriend will want to stay away from his brother and her.

It's not a great situation to be in, and I wouldn't like it either. But you have limited choices in how you handle it.

But to be honest, you sound unhappy regardless of the brothers gf. Your bf won't commit and you want more than he's willing to give.

That is reason enough to consider if this situation is even worth continuing.

I agree with SherrySher.

And if you were to marry and have children with your bf, this incompatibility as far as values and goals would still be there.

I'm sure this isn't the partnership you've worked so hard in life to have.

Narrowly speaking, I see a difference in values between you and your boyfriend. Marriage is not am9ng his goals and/or it feels like a responsibility he would rather avoid.

Love people unconditionally - and choose your distance that allows that to happen. As Wiseman said, more distance from the multidaddy baby momma. Try to see her as a whole person and not through that lens alone ( but i get it). Also, make her a secondary concern.

Your primary concern is your bf and his ability to set appropriate boundaries around your household/relationship/resources/sanctuary.

Your concerns are valid.

Now: what do you need to do with your own boundaries? What distance or private territory do you need to make yourself comfortable?

Reading it you do sound quite bitter towards her ,but I don't mean any offence by that . I don't have too much of a problem myself with the different fathers , I know many , life turned out that way . But it is ok not to be ok with that as well ..one of those things that we all have different views on .

I just sense from it all that you are looking in from the outside seeing your own dreams unfold but in someone elses story . Your b'friend curls up into a ball at the prospect of marriage and there she is ..already got children and now a man who clearly wants to share the rest of his life with her , having another child , everyone fussing round and you have to watch all this . I think this must be really tough for you actually .

As said ...is he the right man for you ? Your happiness and what you want v what he wants really needs to be looked at now .

You have a confusing conflict of values at hand.

On the one hand, you love children, and it sounds like you want them--when married to this guy who hasn't indicated that he will marry you.

On the other hand, your BF's brother's GF is a friggin' breeder with a series of men, and maybe the wheel is not finished? I see you as resentful about this. You've been the "good" girl and get no reward.

You see her value to BF's family diminishing your own since you are in relationship limbo.

The thing is, you cannot take out your frustration with your BF on this fertile lady. It is not fair to her.

Maybe all her life all she has wanted is to fit in and have babies. Losing one? Likely devastating to her. So getting pregnant again brings joy back into her life. Your BF's family sees this, and it really, really, really has nothing to do with you.

On yet another hand, you feel unvalued in that family despite your career successes and willingness to wait for marriage before getting pregnant.

Your anger and disappointment is real, but it should be expressed with your BF, not the rest of them.

I think you know this.

You have a confusing conflict of values at hand.

 

On the one hand, you love children, and it sounds like you want them--when married to this guy who hasn't indicated that he will marry you.

 

On the other hand, your BF's brother's GF is a friggin' breeder with a series of men, and maybe the wheel is not finished? I see you as resentful about this. You've been the "good" girl and get no reward.

 

You see her value to BF's family diminishing your own since you are in relationship limbo.

 

The thing is, you cannot take out your frustration with your BF on this fertile lady. It is not fair to her.

 

Maybe all her life all she has wanted is to fit in and have babies. Losing one? Likely devastating to her. So getting pregnant again brings joy back into her life. Your BF's family sees this, and it really, really, really has nothing to do with you.

 

On yet another hand, you feel unvalued in that family despite your career successes and willingness to wait for marriage before getting pregnant.

 

Your anger and disappointment is real, but it should be expressed with your BF, not the rest of them.

 

I think you know this.

Good points in this comment.

Building on these points: This family is doing life their way. They do not need your approval.

Nor do you need theirs.

You do you. When you stop comparing and competing for the admiration of others, you will gain both their admiration and respect. You do you.

You're resentful because the brother's girlfriend is getting what you want from your boyfriend. And it's not her fault your boyfriend "curls up into a ball" when you try to discuss marriage and children.

Do you think at some point your boyfriend will uncurl himself from that ball and agree to marry you and have children?

I am with my boyfriend now 2 years and have lived together for a year and a half.

 

When i mention engagement or children to my boyfriend- he starts to curl up into a wee ball- wanting to escape the conversation

 

theres always something else he will do for them, that he hasnt been able to do for me. hes treating me like a second class citizen

 

my boyfriend works saturdays and cannot commit to any plans i try make because hes so busy

 

Imo, you are with the wrong man. The real problem is your boyfriend NOT all the others. HE is the one who, two years on, he does not want to commit to a common future, does not prioritize you, is a workaholic who cannot commit to any plans you try to make. You are needlessly distracting yourself from the real problem by focusing on what everybody else is doing. Had your boyfriend been more attentive to you and you saw each other eye to eye regarding major life-goals none of the other things would matter so much to you. Even if the others were behaving ideally, imo you would be still left with a workaholic who does not want to commit to you. Imo, he and his family are not right for you and it would be best if you moved on to find someone who does want to commit to you.

The girlfriend isn't causing you to be depressed.

It's your relationship with your boyfriend that is.

She just happens to represent the very things you want and aren't able to achieve and your boyfriend happens holds the key to these things.

Put your resentment in the right place. Ignore the brother/girlfriend dilemma. That's their party not yours.

And jumping so far ahead and anticipate the financial burden so far down the road on a family business you have no stake in is misguided. At least at this point in time and especially in light of the fact that he takes any talk of the future with you off the table.

If your boyfriend has issues prioritizing people close to him and he allows other family members to affect his ability to be there emotionally and otherwise for you, then I suggest you have a talk with him about his intentions and from there you get to decide if you want to continue in this dramatic family dynamic.

And as far as helping with the business, stop investing in something when there is no clear return. That way you don't end up feeling resentful

Good points in this comment.

 

Building on these points: This family is doing life their way. They do not need your approval.

Nor do you need theirs.

 

You do you. When you stop comparing and competing for the admiration of others, you will gain both their admiration and respect. You do you.

Yes, bottom line. Is this a family that you want to become part of? It seems their values are much different from yours. I doubt they will change them.

as far as the social butterfly thing- of course everyone pays attention to her. That's what happens to pregnant women.

You are upset that your boyfriend works long hours at the family business because his brother doesn't. well. he may be the head of this business/the owner at some point. If you want a guy who can go out every saturday night its not him. My guy is in a similar boat. And you know what? (but no slacky sibling), i don't get huffy about not stepping out on a saturday night -- we see eachother at odd times, do things that are not "appointment based" - we make it up as we go along when we see eachother. No "7 pm reservations at fancy place". Honestly, his lack of being able to go out on formal dates does not mean he is not committed to you. If he were a fire fighter and had to work a 24 hour shift on your "date night" -- you would be selfish to be upset about it because that is what you signed up for.

Am i the only one here that thinks that 2 years is not long enough/is a normal time frame to not have popped the question? 2 years to me is the MINIMUM not "too late" or "too long". I know its kind of the same situation as seeing all your friends marry and then not getting married, etc.

So either pull back from hanging out with the brother's girlfriend and realize his responsibility to the business does not equate his relationship with you and go out with girlfriends sometimes or find someone else who doesn't have such commitments who works 9 to 5 and can spend the whole weekend with you.

Am i the only one here that thinks that 2 years is not long enough/is a normal time frame to not have popped the question? 2 years to me is the MINIMUM not "too late" or "too long". I know its kind of the same situation as seeing all your friends marry and then not getting married, etc.

I think that two years is right at the tipping point for people who absolutely want marriage and family. If the two of you can't make a decision about it at around the two year mark, you should start thinking about moving on.

I think that two years is right at the tipping point for people who absolutely want marriage and family. If the two of you can't make a decision about it at around the two year mark, you should start thinking about moving on.

I concur. Its time to decide if you will find what you want or want what you have.

I think that two years is right at the tipping point for people who absolutely want marriage and family. If the two of you can't make a decision about it at around the two year mark, you should start thinking about moving on.

I think moving in within 6 months of their first date sort of means he was not looking for a wife, sorry to say. Once you already have moved in (unless marriage has been discussed as a mutual aim and there is a legit timetable), you are telling someone someone that they don't have to marry you. Her behavior has to match a woman who has marriage and kids as her big priority -- instead, she pinned a guy down in six months --- it doesn't mean he was at the point in his life to be ready to marry in general - but having a girlfriend sharing a bed was okay by him and it probably works out better for him because of his schedule that is so pressed. It really seems he is NOT someone that she really wants to marry - but feels since they are at the 2 year mark he should get his act together and pop the question. So there's that. Honestly, if she is so irritated, she can go away for a girl's week or visit family to clear her head or just move out.

If she *really* wants kids in a certain timeframe, she can choose to nag a man who she *really* is irritated with and become a member of a family she hates, or she can break free and when she is ready, date a number of men for coffee dates and when she pairs up with someone promising, that she doesn't move in, see how things go at the six month mark and next him or continue - and tries to Only date men who want kids and marriage when they meet the right woman (you look for men who have it on their dating profiles and if you meet them in IRL you are upfront with the "getting to know you/what you are looking for" within the first four dates - so its a matter of matching or not and not a matter of thinking "well i have been with him this long, he should marry me"

When i met my guy, we had the conversation by date four of what we were looking for "Are you open to kids?" "do you see yourself marrying again? (to me because i was divorced). At the 4 date mark, its clear that we are not talking about marrying eachother - the 6 month mark is NOT the time to discuss that because it means "do you see yourself marrying ME" - we knew that we both wanted to get married. based on our ages kids was not a guarantee,of course. so we didn't have to balk and nag and get frustrated at whatever year mark. And then you don't talk about it and get to know eachother more.

Anyway, i think there is a lot going on here - the brother's girlfriend, wanting to get married. why not just have a conversation of where you see yourself in the next few years? ANd in the meantime decide if you actually want this guy