I need help.

Hello, I’m not sure if anyone will be reading this. But my name is Alyssa. I’m a 22 year old recent college graduate. I have been been dating this guy for on and off almost 4 years. We have been through hell and back.

Let me just catch you up on where I am and what I am feeling right now.

Austin (my bf) has broken up with me twice in the last 4 years. He cannot hold down a job, considering that we were young kids he still cannot have any consistency with employment. About a year ago, I found out I was pregnant. He was not emotionally involved with me or the pregnancy. We lost our baby about 16 weeks. While it was the most traumatizing experience I have been through, he was not there for me emotionally. After loosing the baby, instead of bringing sympathy flowers he brought me beer. He said it was a joke, but joking about loosing a baby was the last thing on my mind. He was not even with me at the hospital when I lost the baby. He has secretly downloaded dating apps like tinder on his phone. He hit on a girl that works at our local gas station. He made fake accounts to secretly talk with her behind my back. He has also lied to me almost everyday about something. And it would be anything stupid but he has to lie about it.

Through it all, we somehow made things work... until now.

A few months ago, his family moved across the country (about 1,000 miles away). He chose to stay in our current hometown. His dream is to pursue a golf career which involves him having to relocate to where his family just moved to. I just graduated college and have been applying for jobs everyday. I have a job interview for a position in my hometown that will have me stay for atleast a year.

To quickly mention... I have been at the same job for almost 5 years. I find myself being a very consistent, dedicated, and thoughtful individual.

Having a job that I remain consistent in is extremely important. I think as a company, they want someone who is willing to put time and effort for a long period of tike.

ANYWAYS, Austin has been spiraling down hill for quite some time. He was laid off work, took him a few months to try to get back on his feet. Currently, I am living with a family member and Austin comes and goes as he likes. I feed him almost everyday out of my own pocket because I feel bad that he doesn’t have a “home.” I do all of his laundry, make sure he has clean clothes for the morning. I am physically and mentally exhausted.

There are many issues that we have in this relationship. First, I cannot trust him. He has hurt me so many times and lied to me that he could say it’s snowing outside and I wouldn’t believe him. He is very disrespectful towards me. The things he says to me actually make me question me and my self worth. Because of how I feel in this stressful position and the way he treats me, I have not been intimate with him. Having sex with him has not happened because I hate the way he treats me.

I am by far not perfect. I do not think I am and I acknowledge some problems here are from me. But everyday I hear him saying that I don’t have sex with him and it’s getting old. He doesn’t see the underlying issues and is not willing to resolve it. I feel as though he only says he’s sorry to get in my pants because he will do the same behavior over and over again.

Please help. How do I solve the issues, if I even can. It’s been almost 4 years together. I am ready to solve these issues or leave.

Thank you to anyone who comments.

So sorry to hear that you are under such pressure. At this point, which would you rather do - leave or work on the issues with him? There is no wrong answer. This is your life and you can choose how you want to live it.

Why oh why do you want a relationship with this person?! From what you describe he has been disrespectful to you in multiple different ways... he doesn't have a job... he lies constantly... what is it that you see in this person??

You can't force him to change if he doesn't want to. I suggest looking at all of the other similar threads on here to get a perspective on the many 100's of people that have been in your situation to get some perspective. At the end of the day you really only have two choices... accept him for who he is because he doesn't want to change anything or leave the relationship.

You solve these issues by ending this extremely unhealthy relationship.

OP, I don't know where you learned about love, but this isn't it. You mommy him while he uses you, lies to you, and treats you like a maid. The dynamic here is so dysfunctional that it makes me sad you have any desire to stick around. Surely some caring friends or family members have encouraged you to forget this doofus once and for all?

I get that you haven't really had anything else to compare this to, given your young age, but there is no future here. Stop wasting your time on a dead-end and start respecting yourself.

Unfortunately it's not working out and he's dragging you down with him. You need to breakup so you can find a more suitable situation. He is terribly immature. Do not hang on because of a (mostly bad) past. Think of the future.

LEAVE THIS GUY, like yesterday. The fact that you have to feed him, do his laundry for him, and that he can't hold down a job says a lot. Also just the fact that he's messing around on Tinder and flirting with other girls, that's a dead giveaway. I know it's tough, but you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain. That relationship you're in right now is simply toxic, everything that you had mentioned just put together sound like it's toxic. You need a man who will be loyal to you, and who will respect you, which you will find. This guy sounds like a complete loser, and I promise you, it will only get worse. I can bet my whole life that your relationship with him will get any better. It's been four years and still nothing, what makes you think things will get better?