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Thread: A tight family and a boyfriend who can't say "No".

  1. #11
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    sorry, if he is living with his folks and a major appliance like the fridge or stove goes out - if he is not paying rent, he should help contribute towards that. But the fact that his siblings have his bank information and can just take what they want --- RUN, don't walk away. Save your money -- build a good emergency fund before you move into your OWN place alone or with a female roommate. Like have 6 months of expenses banked. you don't want anything to do with him. If he moved in with you, rest assured, his family would be constantly over taking things, and he may find himself with no rent money because they have dipped into his money. He let's them walk all over them. He won't cut the cord, and you should not pressure him to because it won't last if you 'make" him. Find another young man to date.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by anonymous209
    at a certain point, his money is my business. We've talked about the apartment and have agreed to split the bills halfway. How would it turnout at the time rent is due, I have my half, yet he doesn't because he helped his mom get something else she didn't need?
    You're too invested in his family's business, and that will make you miserable. Have you noticed?

    Either you can trust that your partner is capable of handling his own money and paying his share of expenses, or not. We're each entitled to decide what's important to us, and if financial literacy is important to you, then someone without it would be a bad match for you unless he'd be open to handing over his income for you to manage.

    The problem is, if he'd be compliant in handing over his income, could you respect that degree of passivity in a partner? Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't be interested in someone who I couldn't respect as my equal.

    Policing the entire family of a partner wouldn't even be on the table for me.

  3. #13

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    "Either you can trust that your partner is capable of handling his own money and paying his share of expenses, or not. We're each entitled to decide what's important to us, and if financial literacy is important to you, then someone without it would be a bad match for you unless he'd be open to handing over his income for you to manage."

    I wish I could've given more information and background on the original post but it was already long enough (in my opinion). I left out some information that probably makes his family sound like an awful nightmare, which they are not at all. His entire family absolutely loves me, and have continuously stated that I am the woman they prayed for my boyfriend to receive from Him (we are both religious families). Anyways, his mom made a rule of either her kids were to go to college, or get a job and help with the bills. My mom is the same way. I can stay at her house as long as I'm in school or I'm working (I'm currently doing both). So, him helping with the bills is a requirement for her, which I don't mind (I probably made it sound like I did in the original post, I apologize. I actually respect this rule as my mom would be making me do the same if I were not at school). Helping with bills/rent is not my issue.

    What I cannot stand is the part of how they all (besides his dad... I've never actually heard about his dad taking any money from his account) take his money whenever they want for stuff that is not a necessity. As I previously stated, I was not able to give enough info on the original post, so I'll include that in this one:

    We talked about this again, yesterday; 01/18/2019, and we are on the same page. He has informed me that when he moves out, his account will be removed from the rest of theirs (they won't be able to access his account or funds anymore).
    He has a car payment that he is tripling up on, making it very difficult to move out. He isn't staying there for fun or because he's a lazy bum. Basically, his whole paycheck goes to his car payment, leaving him with little-to-no money leftover. This means he cannot save up money to move out and get an apartment. He has said once his car payments are over with, his paychecks will add up, and he'll put about 75% of each paycheck in savings (he gets paid twice a month). He said he'd let about 6 paychecks add up, and then he would move out (3 months worth of paychecks for him = roughly 4500 dollars).

    Also, replying to your (catfeeder's) comment, his mom has explained to me that if we were to move in together and get married, I would be the one paying the bills (like, actually sitting down and making sure they all get paid on time). I do not mind this, I am super paranoid about things I am responsible for; I wouldn't want anyone else doing it besides me. This means I would have access to his funds 24/7 (he is an excessive spender, always buying stuff he wants but doesn't actually need). She also said that's why it would be better if I were in control of his money, to make sure he's not spending it on useless stuff, and making sure his parts of the bills are paid. Again, I don't mind this, I would prefer to be the one to actually process and pay the bills.

    Which, if I think about, I guess I would be the one in control of whether or not his family could get money if they asked? My boyfriend and I have talked and have came to an agreement that we (both) are allowed to send our families a set amount of money each month if they were desperately in need of it. Also, we agreed that neither of us would send our families money for stuff that they don't absolutely need (when we live together, not right now).

    This being said, I talked to my mother about the entire ordeal, and she said she absolutely doesn't want me moving out, and in with him until she's 100% confident that he is financially responsible for what he will have to pay. We had planned to be out by at least May, but now, it might be July or August, and that's if I can even convince my mom that my boyfriend is ready to be out on his own. That may seem mean but my mom is well, my mom, and she doesn't want me getting into financial troubles that were preventable by just staying with her. I respect that.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why don't you two wait until you are ready to get married? In the meantime get yourself an accountant and financial planner to learn how to manage your finances and household finances better than confiscating his paycheck and playing money police. That in itself will lead to resentment and problems.

    Also if you are married, all the conjecture about who has access to what will be off the table because you will then legally be a financial unit and possibly in better tax and financial position. You seem to be doing things a bit backwards and that seems to be a source of unnecessary stress for you.
    Originally Posted by anonymous209
    His entire family absolutely loves me, and have continuously stated that I am the woman they prayed for my boyfriend to receive from Him (we are both religious families).

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by anonymous209
    his mom has explained to me that if we were to move in together and get married, I would be the one paying the bills (like, actually sitting down and making sure they all get paid on time). I do not mind this, I am super paranoid about things I am responsible for; I wouldn't want anyone else doing it besides me. This means I would have access to his funds 24/7 (he is an excessive spender, always buying stuff he wants but doesn't actually need). She also said that's why it would be better if I were in control of his money, to make sure he's not spending it on useless stuff, and making sure his parts of the bills are paid. Again, I don't mind this, I would prefer to be the one to actually process and pay the bills.
    Do you not find it somewhat strange that his mom will be dictating the financial dynamic of your future household--and that you are (apparently) prepared to receive her instruction in these matters?

  7. #16
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    We talked about this again, yesterday; 01/18/2019, and we are on the same page. He has informed me that when he moves out, his account will be removed from the rest of theirs (they won't be able to access his account or funds anymore).

    Heck no -- he opens an account where they have no access BEFORE he moves out. He is trying to pay stuff down - but how is he doing this with everyone dipping from his money? I guarantee that he will not change if he waits until he moves out because he will have what he wants - you - so he will not be motivated to make the change. Yes, his family is his business, but the fact that they take from his account and laugh about it -- heck no.

    I agree that you should decide if you want to marry this young man -- not "move out with him". If you don't want to marry him down the road - dump him. If you do want to marry him -- don't move in with him. Move out by yourself with a girlfriend or in a house share with a woman and date him and decide if he would be a good marriage partner. YOUR mom is correct in telling you not to move in with him. *

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Do you not find it somewhat strange that his mom will be dictating the financial dynamic of your future household--and that you are (apparently) prepared to receive her instruction in these matters?
    YES.

    *but* a comment about "hey, my son is not responsible with money. So if you marry him, you would probably have to be happy with the idea of handling the finances because he sucks at it" is a warning, not a dictation.
    But to me, she would have to have a padlock on the bank account because even if the family wasn't on his account, they would weasel him into giving them money!! you better make a heckuva lot of money because his income will go to sister who begs him for a tv or a trip.

  9. #18
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    Yeah, what's to stop them from getting a debit card and/or the PIN number for the ATM card?

    OP, you're ok with a lifetime of bank account and spending monitoring for a grown man?

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Yeah, what's to stop them from getting a debit card and/or the PIN number for the ATM card?

    OP, you're ok with a lifetime of bank account and spending monitoring for a grown man?
    THIS

    They will needle him and so he doesn't have to bother with them, he will give them his pin and not put his foot down.
    If you want to treat him like your son, then go ahead, but i will tell you with a pushy family, you will have the short end of the stick.
    My ex's family would NOt stop with him - so he got rid of me instead of putting his foot down with them. I am sure they fixated on something else after i was gone, but it temporarily made them happy. They could not handle their own personal problems and couldn't stand the fact that they were getting cut off.

    Really, there are no other guys out there???

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