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Thread: Love triangle

  1. #1

    Love triangle

    Hi all,
    I'm in a bit of a relationship dilemma. I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 years. We're both in our early 20s so still quite young. We've had an amazing 2 years, been on holiday together, celebrated many occasions etc nothing has gone wrong in the 2 years at all! We bicker but never have any major arguments. I know he loves me deeply. He is 100% committed. There is no way he would ever cheat on me and I've always wanted that guarantee from a partner, someone I can trust 1000%. I struggle to fault him in anyway. We've been through tough times, he was sacked from his old job, I was sexually assaulted last year, we've gotten through everything and never left each others side. The only downfall I'd say is our physical relationship. We're that settled in our relationship that I think sometimes we lack physical chemistry. However, he is still very romantic. We see each other EVERY evening but this has never been too much for us. We both live with our parents but it's like we live together. We always talk about our future, marriage, kids, house, even our wedding song! There was nobody else I could see myself spending my life with. HOWEVER.. I recently started chatting to this guy online who has followed me on social media for well over a year but we have never spoken. We are very similar in our ways. We have so much in common. We even have the same favourite band which is a very unpopular band. It's crazy. He's literally the male version of myself. We got talking and decided to meet up for a chat and some food. I did not meet up with him to start anything relationship wise. I was intrigued by him as we are so similar! I've never even looked at another guy since being with my current partner. I've never spoken to any other guys online etc. It's not that I have gotten bored with my relationship. I just wanted to know more about this other guy. Anyway.. we've gone out for food a few times now and I'm suddenly developing feelings for him? It's very strange. I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALL. Some may say it's just a crush..don't throw your current relationship away. I'm so confused by my feelings. It's the first time I've felt like this in 2 years. This new guy is great to be around, we're always laughing, it's ridiculous how similar we are. What should I do? This guy has told me he likes me in more than a friend way. He knows I have a boyfriend. I know that if I ended it with my partner I would cry for weeks and would literally break his heart. However, lately I have been questioning whether I can see myself with him in the far future. We're like best friends more than lovers at times. I do also question his sexuality as he is very feminine. So I do often worry he could announce he's gay in years to come. If I was to leave him, I wouldn't want to erase him out my life. I can see us being long life friends if not partners. I'm so confused that that has happened! I feel I am falling for someone else. What should I do? Oh AND I have a holiday booked with my boyfriend and his family in 5 months time. I've paid £1000 towards it, the remaining needs to be paid in 3 weeks time and I'm here debating breaking it off with him? Ahhhh

  2. #2
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    What does your boyfriend say when you go meet the other guy?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    One, deep breaths.

    Two, paragraphs are awesome. They make reading easier.

    Three, let's get real.

    Your relationship with your bf is on life support right now. The "only downfall" is not simply that things are no longer physically spicy. No, it's that you suspect he might be gay, have genuine questions about longterm viability, and have recently started to stray into the land of emotional infidelity.

    Let's focus on that last part for a second. And let's cut past the innocent talk: you did not "slide into the DMs" with this online guy for pure reasons—at all. Because no one slides into the DMs with pure reasons.

    You were thirsty for some spice, hoped it would be spicy, and, lo and behold, it's a bit spicy and you keep leaning in for more. First pixels, then in person. What's next?! And now you're all sorts of confused because, well, exactly what you hoped would happen is, like, totally happening.

    Please take a moment to just own that. I'm not your bf. You won't hurt my feelings.

    From the bleacher seats, what is confusing to you is actually very simple. You are an eyelash away from being done with your romantic relationship with your bf, if you haven't actually been done for quite some time. Rather than talk to him, or work with him, you've gone outside the relationship for some fun, some release, some exploration, and, at least subconsciously, probably hoping to encounter something that would give you the courage to end things.

    If you were were 36 and describing a marriage with children I'd advise you to buckle down, dig deep, go to therapy, see if the ship could be saved. But you're "quite young," as you put it, and I don't think you put it there by accident. You know what I (not so young) know: that you're kind of itching to feel young again, and it's kinda hard to do that in your current relationship.

    Which is OKAY. Which does not negate your love and appreciation—that's real too. It's just not enough right now.

    Not okay is the path you're veering on right now. You will feel much, much better if you own what's going on, talk to your bf, end things, and then keep engaging with Mr. DM. (Yes, you will probably feel way too shattered, in ways you can't quite imagine, for that engagement to really feel good; but there will be other Mr. DMs, once you've worked through all that, and it'll be just as fun.) Or if you talk to your bf and decide there's a little more something to explore—well, cool, but then you cut Mr. DM out of your life. Like, really.

    How do I know you'll feel better taking those routes? Not because I am old and wise and writing from a land or airtight morals, no. It's because I have blurred these lines in stupid ways, especially when I was your age, and at 39 I still hate that I did that. It's not cool, not to anyone.

    So be cool.

    As far as this guy? I don't want to burst the balloon—but, yeah, he's a crush. He's cute and likes a band you like and you like thinking about what it would be like to kiss him, probably more than kiss. There are a lot of him out there in the world, and it is very fun to explore them. It is very fun to have crushes, and sometimes we're in a place in life where we need to crush and explore crushes. There is zero shame in that—zero. But there is shame in exploring that on the DL, which is what you're doing.

    And shame sucks. It sticks around, eats at you. And it hurts others.

    So, again, buck up and be cool.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    Ok first of all you don't have "the perfect relationship". Nobody does. It doesn't exist.

    Secondly, you don't love your boyfriend. If you did, you wouldn't be cheating on him. And yes, you are cheating on him.

    Just because you've talked about your wedding song does not mean you are ready to be in a mature and committed relationship. At the moment you don't know the meaning of the word.

    I realize you're young but use this as a learning opportunity. You are better off single at the moment. You are not ready for this kind of commitment and you should let your boyfriend know sooner rather than later. You owe him that.

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  6. #5
    I haven't yet told him but I know that if I did, he would trust me

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by NikitaTrue
    I haven't yet told him but I know that if I did, he would trust me
    Doesn't that make it worse though? That you are conducting an emotional affair on a guy who 100% trusts you?

  8. #7
    Thank you for your response!

    I totally agree with everything you have said. Just a few things, the new guy messaged me first, not that I'm saying that makes me 'less innocent' but I wouldn't have instigated a conversation off with another guy. I never have done. But I know I continued the online conversation when I didn't have to.

    I'm also a bit sick of not settling down. Even though I'm still at a young age, I've had my fair share of relationships and flings in the past, with them ending due to the guys turning out to be horrible. So now that I found something I was looking for, someone who really cares for me, it's strange I now feel this way about someone else. I don't feel I am seeking something just a bit more 'spicy' and sexual. During the past 2 years with my boyfriend, I have been hit on and asked out many times at my work as I work in customer service so come across new people every single day. But I always turn them down. Something just seems a bit different with this new guy which is what is so odd.

    I'm not like I used to be when it comes to relationships. I've learnt a lot over the past 5 years I've dated. I no longer pick horrible guys, I can easily see who are the genuine ones and that's how I feel this new guy is. Also.. my boyfriend has never had another girlfriend, I am his first love. I used to really worry about this thinking he would eventually want to look elsewhere but he hasn't. Sometimes I question whether he is only with me because he knows nothing else or whether he is more attracted to my looks rather than personality (he says that he'd reconsider being with me if I put on weight. He say's he's joking but sometimes I feel he's serious).

    Thanks again!

  9. #8
    Thanks for responding!

    I completely understand the perfect relationship doesn't exist. I know that if I hadn't had started talking to this new guy then I would 100% be spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend. 2 years may not seem long enough to be mature and committed but we're not like most young couples these days. We've spent almost everyday together for the past 2 years and built up something really special. I am my boyfriend's first love, he's never had another girlfriend. Myself on the other hand have been through a fair few, some serious and some not. I feel like I've already 'played the field'. I'm at the stage where I want to settle down which is why it's weird I'm jeopardising what I already have.

    Thanks again!

  10. #9
    I also forgot to add..
    I sometimes feel like my boyfriend's mom dislikes me. I have always gotten the vibe that no woman will ever be good enough for any of her sons. She always runs her other sons girlfriends down when they are not there (they're all incredible girls and one of the sons is definitely lucky to have someone put up with the way he behaves). I recently overheard her doing the same with me when she didn't realise I was in the house. I get on with his dad and his little brother adores me. I know the love I have for my boyfriend shouldn't be affected by this. It's just difficult to feel like you don't have the mother's approval after 2 years when you've given her nothing to doubt.

  11. #10
    Definitely. As I said I've never done anything like this before. I'm not the sort to just linger things on, lead someone else along or have an affair. I don't understand how people live with themselves when they physically cheat. I couldn't keep something like that hidden, the guilt would get to me which is why I know I'll bring it up with my boyfriend real soon once I've thought it all over.

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