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Thread: Love triangle

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're not ready to settle down. Also seeing each other this much Is too much getting boring and dull. You're killing any excitement or interest or even missing each other.. So is chronically talking about future, marriage, kids and wedding songs. It's not surprising that you are both bored and sick to death with all this. You're acting like siblings and it's killing the passion.

    That's why going out doing normal things for your age is appealing. It's a lot more interesting than hanging out at each other's parent's house talking about wedding songs. The drudgery and being tied down to this is what's wrong. Start having your own life that doesn't involve sneaking around for thrills. Make some friends, get some interests, spend time apart pursuing those friends and interest.
    Originally Posted by NikitaTrue
    We see each other EVERY evening but this has never been too much for us. We both live with our parents but it's like we live together. We always talk about our future, marriage, kids, house, even our wedding song!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'll continue with the real talk. Bare with me. You can handle it. Ears open, ego down.

    The reason you're engaging with this guy right now is not because he's so different than the other guys who hit on you. It's because you're different. It's because you're not as happy in your relationship as you want to be. It's gotten stale. You're around each other all the time, so much that you can't get excited about, you know, being all over each other. The spark got snuffed, smothered.

    Can you get it back? Maybe. What's that look like, realistically? Well, it's work. It means cutting things off with the new guy, having talks with the bf, creating new boundaries where you see each other less, seeing if you can let some oxygen back in to get the fire going again.

    But, honestly? That is some grownup stuff, and even for grownups it ain't a lot of fun. It is not the stuff that gets 20somethings jazzed up, and, deep down, much as you profess to want to be settled, I don't think that's really getting you all that jazzed either. (And in case you think I'm being condescending, let me just say: I'm 39 and have just about zero interest in trying to respark sparks. I seek heat, believe in heat, and when it starts getting this cold I take that as sad sign that it's probably time for me and my person to seek heat elsewhere—but not on the DL, not on the side.)

    Now, let's breakdown this "settled" business for a sec. Because I think you're mistaking what "settled" means. I think you're young and pretty hot, if a little insecure about yourself, and as such you've been di*ked around by some dudes. Which sucked. Which hurt a bit. I'm sorry for that. And it changed you a bit. You liked your bf because he was different, more genuine, safer, less threatening than those dudes you had "horrible" flings with. And it worked—for a good bit. Worked so well that when some player tried to hit on you you didn't even care.

    Well, it ain't working anymore. Now some dude is hitting on you again and what's happening? You're responding. And, no offense, but the bar of entry is pretty low if his point of entry is liking an esoteric band. This band might not be U2 famous, but I assure you there are a lot of other dudes who like the band too, you know?

    So what's really going on? I think the pendulum is swinging back to center a bit. You're growing, evolving. You don't want some horrible fling, but neither do you want some smothering, sexless relationship where the price of safety is zero spice. That is OKAY. But it very likely means accepting that your current bf can't meet your needs, and it means respecting that rather than trying to test the hypothesis out on the side.

    You say you could never physically cheat because of the guilt. Maybe that's true, maybe not. Because you are very close right now, and why are you posting? It's because that guilt is starting to creep in. Guilt is the seed of shame, which is even more corrosive. Sticks around a lot longer, as mentioned.

    So woman up, you know? Be big. Be cool. Own what's going on here.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Bluecastle is giving you the most excellent advice.

    In your responses, you're partially accepting blame but also partially deflecting. If you understand what bluecastle is saying, then you need to not make excuses, no further explanations, just accept 100% accountability for yourself and your actions.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NikitaTrue
    I'm not like I used to be when it comes to relationships. I've learnt a lot over the past 5 years I've dated. I no longer pick horrible guys, I can easily see who are the genuine ones and that's how I feel this new guy is. Also.. my boyfriend has never had another girlfriend, I am his first love. I used to really worry about this thinking he would eventually want to look elsewhere but he hasn't. Sometimes I question whether he is only with me because he knows nothing else or whether he is more attracted to my looks rather than personality (he says that he'd reconsider being with me if I put on weight. He say's he's joking but sometimes I feel he's serious).
    Just going to break this telling little graph down a bit, with the hopes of removing those blinders you're still clinging too.

    The new guy? You literally have no idea who he is. Sorry, that's fact. Talk to me in six months, and if you're still raving (and long broken up with bf) I'll raise a glass to the two two of you.

    But not yet, no. He seems nice, is cute, likes a band, hasn't set off any alarm bells, and that's that. If you were genuinely single, out there swiping around, you'd be a tenth as excited about this guy as you are at this stage, because in that scenario you're head would be on straight. You're excited by him now because of what he represents: 1. The potential portal into the Other Life, Greener Grass, and so on. 2. Validation that life experience has gotten your Guy Radar tuned to perfection. Used to be you went for hot and horrible, then you went for genuine while overlooking feminine, but now you've found the true diamond: hot and genuine, safe and spicy.

    Now, this little quasi-dig you threw your bf's way—that he, Mr. Genuine, is actually just in it for your hotness. Um, no. Not cool That right there is 100 percent your sh*t—own it, quick.

    That's your own insecurities, that big question in your mind, residue from those horrible flings, which has you kinda sorta always wondering if dudes are into you for more than what they see in the tight dress. And, more than that: it's your guilt over your new little semi-illicit side project—guilt you don't want to feel, so you're offloading it a bit, rationalizing the side project with Mr. DM, who gets you, because he loves that band, not because he just thinks you're cute, because he is actually the genuine one, even more so than your bf, who, sweet and inexperienced near-virgin he was when you met, might himself bail on the whole thing if you gained 5 pounds. Not unlike, you know, the Horrible Fling dudes.

    See what you're doing there? You're dodging responsibility. You're throwing shade at your bf to dodge your own shade. You're chalking up what you know is not cool behavior (what you're doing) with what you think might not be cool (your bf only liking you cause you're skinny).

    Not cool. I'll say it again: Be cool.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NikitaTrue
    Definitely. As I said I've never done anything like this before. I'm not the sort to just linger things on, lead someone else along or have an affair. I don't understand how people live with themselves when they physically cheat. I couldn't keep something like that hidden, the guilt would get to me which is why I know I'll bring it up with my boyfriend real soon once I've thought it all over.
    If you were in love with your boyfriend you would not have entertained a stranger on the internet for a hot minute.
    Stop, the `I don't know how this happened to me!' and 'I would judge anyone else harshly if they did the same'

    "I couldn't keep it hidden"?! - But you have.
    You've been chatting this guy up for over a year and you though you may not be having sex with him, you are having an emotional affair with him and considering it.

    Sorry, take some responsibility and get honest with yourself and I might come back and respond.

    Until then, this one frustrates me, so I better bow out.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 01-18-2019 at 04:24 PM.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by NikitaTrue

    HOWEVER.. I recently started chatting to this guy online who has followed me on social media for well over a year but we have never spoken. We are very similar in our ways. We have so much in common. We even have the same favourite band which is a very unpopular band. It's crazy. He's literally the male version of myself.

    We got talking and decided to meet up for a chat and some food. I did not meet up with him to start anything relationship wise. I was intrigued by him as we are so similar! I've never even looked at another guy since being with my current partner. I've never spoken to any other guys online etc.

    It's not that I have gotten bored with my relationship. I just wanted to know more about this other guy.
    Man, this is confusing! You met up with new guy not to start anything but because you were intrigued by him? Well, what do you think happens when two people meet who are intrigued with each other? That they're gonna want to sit around playing scrabble?

    Come on, you really need to start getting honest with yourself here. Of course you were hoping something would happen! Maybe not sex at that point in time, but you would never have met him if you didn't want (subconsciously or consciously) something to happen. Own that!

    Originally Posted by NikitaTrue

    Anyway.. we've gone out for food a few times now and I'm suddenly developing feelings for him? It's very strange. I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALL. Some may say it's just a crush..don't throw your current relationship away. I'm so confused by my feelings. It's the first time I've felt like this in 2 years. This new guy is great to be around, we're always laughing, it's ridiculous how similar we are. What should I do? This guy has told me he likes me in more than a friend way. He knows I have a boyfriend.

    I know that if I ended it with my partner I would cry for weeks and would literally break his heart. However, lately I have been questioning whether I can see myself with him in the far future. We're like best friends more than lovers at times. I do also question his sexuality as he is very feminine. So I do often worry he could announce he's gay in years to come. If I was to leave him, I wouldn't want to erase him out my life. I can see us being long life friends if not partners. I'm so confused that that has happened! I feel I am falling for someone else. What should I do? Oh AND I have a holiday booked with my boyfriend and his family in 5 months time. I've paid £1000 towards it, the remaining needs to be paid in 3 weeks time and I'm here debating breaking it off with him? Ahhhh
    Bolded, either you are incredibly naïve or you're in denial. It's quite obvious you "saw this coming" you've been engaging with him on line, then escalated to meeting in person, you are intrigued by him, describe him as being the "male version" of you, how do you not seeing this coming?

    I get you are very attached to your bf, but it's time for you to face the cold truth, if you're not having sex, or the sex is less than satisfying, you are nothing more than good friends.

    And there is nothing wrong with that, you're both very young, your RL has simply run its course.

    What IS the problem is that you're not owning any of this, you're playing "poor me, I didn't see this coming, I've never done anything like this before, he reached out first" blah blah -- so what?

    You're doing it NOW! You have made the conscious choice to do that, can you not understand this?

    I'll share something with you. I felt the same way as you about my second long term bf. We were great friends, but the physical and sexual attraction was pretty much non-existent. But we were very attached, very close, spent all our free time together, got on GREAT!! No problems or issues whatsoever, I even got used to the lack of sex (not knowing any different at the time).

    But I knew something was missing, that I wanted more for myself, I even talked to my mom about it, telling her I NEED to have sex with my bf! I need that fire, that spark!

    So I ended it with my bf, it was super hard, we both cried (him more than I), he took it very hard. It was very sad.

    Shortly after, I met a man who ended up becoming my third long term boyfriend. When I met him it was like POW, right in the middle of my solar plexis! lol

    Feelings I had never experienced before, ever! We dated for six years. It ended badly (I won't go into it) but I don't regret one second spent with him, he woke up something in me that had been repressed for a very long time. My sexuality!!

    So my advice is to end it with your bf. Yes you will both feel hurt. Yes you will cry and be sad. But it needs to happen because it's just not "happening" anymore.

    After that you're free to explore your feelings with this new guy.

    But before you do any of that, you need to get honest with yourself, like immediately! Own your role in this and stop playing "victim."

    Good luck!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 01-18-2019 at 06:40 PM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NikitaTrue
    I don't understand how people live with themselves when they physically cheat. I couldn't keep something like that hidden, the guilt would get to me which is why I know I'll bring it up with my boyfriend real soon once I've thought it all over.
    They start out by excusing and justifying their emotional infidelity, exactly as you are. Then the affair 'just happens' as if it was totally out of their control. But it was never out of their control. They just allowed feelings to develop by continuing to see and/or communicate with the other person.

    I'm sure this forum has thousands of threads written from the perspective of the cheater. Or google, "it just happened" along with "affair" and see all the hits you get.

  9. #18
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    I also find it quite interesting and telling that you created this thread under "Attraction and Flirting," instead of "Relationships" or even "Breaking Up Advice," since that is what you're contemplating doing.

    It suggests this attraction and flirtation you've got going with this new guy is more important to you than your relationship with you boyfriend.

    Listen to that voice, it's telling you something important about your current mindset and your true feelings and motivation.

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