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NikitaTrue

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Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a relationship dilemma. I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 years. We're both in our early 20s so still quite young. We've had an amazing 2 years, been on holiday together, celebrated many occasions etc nothing has gone wrong in the 2 years at all! We bicker but never have any major arguments. I know he loves me deeply. He is 100% committed. There is no way he would ever cheat on me and I've always wanted that guarantee from a partner, someone I can trust 1000%. I struggle to fault him in anyway. We've been through tough times, he was sacked from his old job, I was sexually assaulted last year, we've gotten through everything and never left each others side. The only downfall I'd say is our physical relationship. We're that settled in our relationship that I think sometimes we lack physical chemistry. However, he is still very romantic. We see each other EVERY evening but this has never been too much for us. We both live with our parents but it's like we live together. We always talk about our future, marriage, kids, house, even our wedding song! There was nobody else I could see myself spending my life with. HOWEVER.. I recently started chatting to this guy online who has followed me on social media for well over a year but we have never spoken. We are very similar in our ways. We have so much in common. We even have the same favourite band which is a very unpopular band. It's crazy. He's literally the male version of myself. We got talking and decided to meet up for a chat and some food. I did not meet up with him to start anything relationship wise. I was intrigued by him as we are so similar! I've never even looked at another guy since being with my current partner. I've never spoken to any other guys online etc. It's not that I have gotten bored with my relationship. I just wanted to know more about this other guy. Anyway.. we've gone out for food a few times now and I'm suddenly developing feelings for him? It's very strange. I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALL. Some may say it's just a crush..don't throw your current relationship away. I'm so confused by my feelings. It's the first time I've felt like this in 2 years. This new guy is great to be around, we're always laughing, it's ridiculous how similar we are. What should I do? This guy has told me he likes me in more than a friend way. He knows I have a boyfriend. I know that if I ended it with my partner I would cry for weeks and would literally break his heart. However, lately I have been questioning whether I can see myself with him in the far future. We're like best friends more than lovers at times. I do also question his sexuality as he is very feminine. So I do often worry he could announce he's gay in years to come. If I was to leave him, I wouldn't want to erase him out my life. I can see us being long life friends if not partners. I'm so confused that that has happened! I feel I am falling for someone else. What should I do? Oh AND I have a holiday booked with my boyfriend and his family in 5 months time. I've paid £1000 towards it, the remaining needs to be paid in 3 weeks time and I'm here debating breaking it off with him? Ahhhh

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One, deep breaths.

 

Two, paragraphs are awesome. They make reading easier.

 

Three, let's get real.

 

Your relationship with your bf is on life support right now. The "only downfall" is not simply that things are no longer physically spicy. No, it's that you suspect he might be gay, have genuine questions about longterm viability, and have recently started to stray into the land of emotional infidelity.

 

Let's focus on that last part for a second. And let's cut past the innocent talk: you did not "slide into the DMs" with this online guy for pure reasons—at all. Because no one slides into the DMs with pure reasons.

 

You were thirsty for some spice, hoped it would be spicy, and, lo and behold, it's a bit spicy and you keep leaning in for more. First pixels, then in person. What's next?! And now you're all sorts of confused because, well, exactly what you hoped would happen is, like, totally happening.

 

Please take a moment to just own that. I'm not your bf. You won't hurt my feelings.

 

From the bleacher seats, what is confusing to you is actually very simple. You are an eyelash away from being done with your romantic relationship with your bf, if you haven't actually been done for quite some time. Rather than talk to him, or work with him, you've gone outside the relationship for some fun, some release, some exploration, and, at least subconsciously, probably hoping to encounter something that would give you the courage to end things.

 

If you were were 36 and describing a marriage with children I'd advise you to buckle down, dig deep, go to therapy, see if the ship could be saved. But you're "quite young," as you put it, and I don't think you put it there by accident. You know what I (not so young) know: that you're kind of itching to feel young again, and it's kinda hard to do that in your current relationship.

 

Which is OKAY. Which does not negate your love and appreciation—that's real too. It's just not enough right now.

 

Not okay is the path you're veering on right now. You will feel much, much better if you own what's going on, talk to your bf, end things, and then keep engaging with Mr. DM. (Yes, you will probably feel way too shattered, in ways you can't quite imagine, for that engagement to really feel good; but there will be other Mr. DMs, once you've worked through all that, and it'll be just as fun.) Or if you talk to your bf and decide there's a little more something to explore—well, cool, but then you cut Mr. DM out of your life. Like, really.

 

How do I know you'll feel better taking those routes? Not because I am old and wise and writing from a land or airtight morals, no. It's because I have blurred these lines in stupid ways, especially when I was your age, and at 39 I still hate that I did that. It's not cool, not to anyone.

 

So be cool.

 

As far as this guy? I don't want to burst the balloon—but, yeah, he's a crush. He's cute and likes a band you like and you like thinking about what it would be like to kiss him, probably more than kiss. There are a lot of him out there in the world, and it is very fun to explore them. It is very fun to have crushes, and sometimes we're in a place in life where we need to crush and explore crushes. There is zero shame in that—zero. But there is shame in exploring that on the DL, which is what you're doing.

 

And shame sucks. It sticks around, eats at you. And it hurts others.

 

So, again, buck up and be cool.

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Ok first of all you don't have "the perfect relationship". Nobody does. It doesn't exist.

 

Secondly, you don't love your boyfriend. If you did, you wouldn't be cheating on him. And yes, you are cheating on him.

 

Just because you've talked about your wedding song does not mean you are ready to be in a mature and committed relationship. At the moment you don't know the meaning of the word.

 

I realize you're young but use this as a learning opportunity. You are better off single at the moment. You are not ready for this kind of commitment and you should let your boyfriend know sooner rather than later. You owe him that.

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Thank you for your response!

 

I totally agree with everything you have said. Just a few things, the new guy messaged me first, not that I'm saying that makes me 'less innocent' but I wouldn't have instigated a conversation off with another guy. I never have done. But I know I continued the online conversation when I didn't have to.

 

I'm also a bit sick of not settling down. Even though I'm still at a young age, I've had my fair share of relationships and flings in the past, with them ending due to the guys turning out to be horrible. So now that I found something I was looking for, someone who really cares for me, it's strange I now feel this way about someone else. I don't feel I am seeking something just a bit more 'spicy' and sexual. During the past 2 years with my boyfriend, I have been hit on and asked out many times at my work as I work in customer service so come across new people every single day. But I always turn them down. Something just seems a bit different with this new guy which is what is so odd.

 

I'm not like I used to be when it comes to relationships. I've learnt a lot over the past 5 years I've dated. I no longer pick horrible guys, I can easily see who are the genuine ones and that's how I feel this new guy is. Also.. my boyfriend has never had another girlfriend, I am his first love. I used to really worry about this thinking he would eventually want to look elsewhere but he hasn't. Sometimes I question whether he is only with me because he knows nothing else or whether he is more attracted to my looks rather than personality (he says that he'd reconsider being with me if I put on weight. He say's he's joking but sometimes I feel he's serious).

 

Thanks again!

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Thanks for responding!

 

I completely understand the perfect relationship doesn't exist. I know that if I hadn't had started talking to this new guy then I would 100% be spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend. 2 years may not seem long enough to be mature and committed but we're not like most young couples these days. We've spent almost everyday together for the past 2 years and built up something really special. I am my boyfriend's first love, he's never had another girlfriend. Myself on the other hand have been through a fair few, some serious and some not. I feel like I've already 'played the field'. I'm at the stage where I want to settle down which is why it's weird I'm jeopardising what I already have.

 

Thanks again!

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I also forgot to add..

I sometimes feel like my boyfriend's mom dislikes me. I have always gotten the vibe that no woman will ever be good enough for any of her sons. She always runs her other sons girlfriends down when they are not there (they're all incredible girls and one of the sons is definitely lucky to have someone put up with the way he behaves). I recently overheard her doing the same with me when she didn't realise I was in the house. I get on with his dad and his little brother adores me. I know the love I have for my boyfriend shouldn't be affected by this. It's just difficult to feel like you don't have the mother's approval after 2 years when you've given her nothing to doubt.

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Definitely. As I said I've never done anything like this before. I'm not the sort to just linger things on, lead someone else along or have an affair. I don't understand how people live with themselves when they physically cheat. I couldn't keep something like that hidden, the guilt would get to me which is why I know I'll bring it up with my boyfriend real soon once I've thought it all over.

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You're not ready to settle down. Also seeing each other this much Is too much getting boring and dull. You're killing any excitement or interest or even missing each other.. So is chronically talking about future, marriage, kids and wedding songs. It's not surprising that you are both bored and sick to death with all this. You're acting like siblings and it's killing the passion.

 

That's why going out doing normal things for your age is appealing. It's a lot more interesting than hanging out at each other's parent's house talking about wedding songs. The drudgery and being tied down to this is what's wrong. Start having your own life that doesn't involve sneaking around for thrills. Make some friends, get some interests, spend time apart pursuing those friends and interest.

We see each other EVERY evening but this has never been too much for us. We both live with our parents but it's like we live together. We always talk about our future, marriage, kids, house, even our wedding song!
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I'll continue with the real talk. Bare with me. You can handle it. Ears open, ego down.

 

The reason you're engaging with this guy right now is not because he's so different than the other guys who hit on you. It's because you're different. It's because you're not as happy in your relationship as you want to be. It's gotten stale. You're around each other all the time, so much that you can't get excited about, you know, being all over each other. The spark got snuffed, smothered.

 

Can you get it back? Maybe. What's that look like, realistically? Well, it's work. It means cutting things off with the new guy, having talks with the bf, creating new boundaries where you see each other less, seeing if you can let some oxygen back in to get the fire going again.

 

But, honestly? That is some grownup stuff, and even for grownups it ain't a lot of fun. It is not the stuff that gets 20somethings jazzed up, and, deep down, much as you profess to want to be settled, I don't think that's really getting you all that jazzed either. (And in case you think I'm being condescending, let me just say: I'm 39 and have just about zero interest in trying to respark sparks. I seek heat, believe in heat, and when it starts getting this cold I take that as sad sign that it's probably time for me and my person to seek heat elsewhere—but not on the DL, not on the side.)

 

Now, let's breakdown this "settled" business for a sec. Because I think you're mistaking what "settled" means. I think you're young and pretty hot, if a little insecure about yourself, and as such you've been di*ked around by some dudes. Which sucked. Which hurt a bit. I'm sorry for that. And it changed you a bit. You liked your bf because he was different, more genuine, safer, less threatening than those dudes you had "horrible" flings with. And it worked—for a good bit. Worked so well that when some player tried to hit on you you didn't even care.

 

Well, it ain't working anymore. Now some dude is hitting on you again and what's happening? You're responding. And, no offense, but the bar of entry is pretty low if his point of entry is liking an esoteric band. This band might not be U2 famous, but I assure you there are a lot of other dudes who like the band too, you know?

 

So what's really going on? I think the pendulum is swinging back to center a bit. You're growing, evolving. You don't want some horrible fling, but neither do you want some smothering, sexless relationship where the price of safety is zero spice. That is OKAY. But it very likely means accepting that your current bf can't meet your needs, and it means respecting that rather than trying to test the hypothesis out on the side.

 

You say you could never physically cheat because of the guilt. Maybe that's true, maybe not. Because you are very close right now, and why are you posting? It's because that guilt is starting to creep in. Guilt is the seed of shame, which is even more corrosive. Sticks around a lot longer, as mentioned.

 

So woman up, you know? Be big. Be cool. Own what's going on here.

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Bluecastle is giving you the most excellent advice.

 

In your responses, you're partially accepting blame but also partially deflecting. If you understand what bluecastle is saying, then you need to not make excuses, no further explanations, just accept 100% accountability for yourself and your actions.

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I'm not like I used to be when it comes to relationships. I've learnt a lot over the past 5 years I've dated. I no longer pick horrible guys, I can easily see who are the genuine ones and that's how I feel this new guy is. Also.. my boyfriend has never had another girlfriend, I am his first love. I used to really worry about this thinking he would eventually want to look elsewhere but he hasn't. Sometimes I question whether he is only with me because he knows nothing else or whether he is more attracted to my looks rather than personality (he says that he'd reconsider being with me if I put on weight. He say's he's joking but sometimes I feel he's serious).

 

Just going to break this telling little graph down a bit, with the hopes of removing those blinders you're still clinging too.

 

The new guy? You literally have no idea who he is. Sorry, that's fact. Talk to me in six months, and if you're still raving (and long broken up with bf) I'll raise a glass to the two two of you.

 

But not yet, no. He seems nice, is cute, likes a band, hasn't set off any alarm bells, and that's that. If you were genuinely single, out there swiping around, you'd be a tenth as excited about this guy as you are at this stage, because in that scenario you're head would be on straight. You're excited by him now because of what he represents: 1. The potential portal into the Other Life, Greener Grass, and so on. 2. Validation that life experience has gotten your Guy Radar tuned to perfection. Used to be you went for hot and horrible, then you went for genuine while overlooking feminine, but now you've found the true diamond: hot and genuine, safe and spicy.

 

Now, this little quasi-dig you threw your bf's way—that he, Mr. Genuine, is actually just in it for your hotness. Um, no. Not cool That right there is 100 percent your sh*t—own it, quick.

 

That's your own insecurities, that big question in your mind, residue from those horrible flings, which has you kinda sorta always wondering if dudes are into you for more than what they see in the tight dress. And, more than that: it's your guilt over your new little semi-illicit side project—guilt you don't want to feel, so you're offloading it a bit, rationalizing the side project with Mr. DM, who gets you, because he loves that band, not because he just thinks you're cute, because he is actually the genuine one, even more so than your bf, who, sweet and inexperienced near-virgin he was when you met, might himself bail on the whole thing if you gained 5 pounds. Not unlike, you know, the Horrible Fling dudes.

 

See what you're doing there? You're dodging responsibility. You're throwing shade at your bf to dodge your own shade. You're chalking up what you know is not cool behavior (what you're doing) with what you think might not be cool (your bf only liking you cause you're skinny).

 

Not cool. I'll say it again: Be cool.

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Definitely. As I said I've never done anything like this before. I'm not the sort to just linger things on, lead someone else along or have an affair. I don't understand how people live with themselves when they physically cheat. I couldn't keep something like that hidden, the guilt would get to me which is why I know I'll bring it up with my boyfriend real soon once I've thought it all over.

 

If you were in love with your boyfriend you would not have entertained a stranger on the internet for a hot minute.

Stop, the `I don't know how this happened to me!' and 'I would judge anyone else harshly if they did the same'

 

"I couldn't keep it hidden"?! - But you have.

You've been chatting this guy up for over a year and you though you may not be having sex with him, you are having an emotional affair with him and considering it.

 

Sorry, take some responsibility and get honest with yourself and I might come back and respond.

 

Until then, this one frustrates me, so I better bow out.

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HOWEVER.. I recently started chatting to this guy online who has followed me on social media for well over a year but we have never spoken. We are very similar in our ways. We have so much in common. We even have the same favourite band which is a very unpopular band. It's crazy. He's literally the male version of myself.

 

We got talking and decided to meet up for a chat and some food. I did not meet up with him to start anything relationship wise. I was intrigued by him as we are so similar! I've never even looked at another guy since being with my current partner. I've never spoken to any other guys online etc.

 

It's not that I have gotten bored with my relationship. I just wanted to know more about this other guy.

 

 

Man, this is confusing! You met up with new guy not to start anything but because you were intrigued by him? Well, what do you think happens when two people meet who are intrigued with each other? That they're gonna want to sit around playing scrabble?

 

Come on, you really need to start getting honest with yourself here. Of course you were hoping something would happen! Maybe not sex at that point in time, but you would never have met him if you didn't want (subconsciously or consciously) something to happen. Own that!

 

 

Anyway.. we've gone out for food a few times now and I'm suddenly developing feelings for him? It's very strange. I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALL. Some may say it's just a crush..don't throw your current relationship away. I'm so confused by my feelings. It's the first time I've felt like this in 2 years. This new guy is great to be around, we're always laughing, it's ridiculous how similar we are. What should I do? This guy has told me he likes me in more than a friend way. He knows I have a boyfriend.

 

I know that if I ended it with my partner I would cry for weeks and would literally break his heart. However, lately I have been questioning whether I can see myself with him in the far future. We're like best friends more than lovers at times. I do also question his sexuality as he is very feminine. So I do often worry he could announce he's gay in years to come. If I was to leave him, I wouldn't want to erase him out my life. I can see us being long life friends if not partners. I'm so confused that that has happened! I feel I am falling for someone else. What should I do? Oh AND I have a holiday booked with my boyfriend and his family in 5 months time. I've paid £1000 towards it, the remaining needs to be paid in 3 weeks time and I'm here debating breaking it off with him? Ahhhh

 

Bolded, either you are incredibly naïve or you're in denial. It's quite obvious you "saw this coming" you've been engaging with him on line, then escalated to meeting in person, you are intrigued by him, describe him as being the "male version" of you, how do you not seeing this coming?

 

I get you are very attached to your bf, but it's time for you to face the cold truth, if you're not having sex, or the sex is less than satisfying, you are nothing more than good friends.

And there is nothing wrong with that, you're both very young, your RL has simply run its course.

 

What IS the problem is that you're not owning any of this, you're playing "poor me, I didn't see this coming, I've never done anything like this before, he reached out first" blah blah -- so what?

 

You're doing it NOW! You have made the conscious choice to do that, can you not understand this?

 

I'll share something with you. I felt the same way as you about my second long term bf. We were great friends, but the physical and sexual attraction was pretty much non-existent. But we were very attached, very close, spent all our free time together, got on GREAT!! No problems or issues whatsoever, I even got used to the lack of sex (not knowing any different at the time).

 

But I knew something was missing, that I wanted more for myself, I even talked to my mom about it, telling her I NEED to have sex with my bf! I need that fire, that spark!

 

So I ended it with my bf, it was super hard, we both cried (him more than I), he took it very hard. It was very sad.

 

Shortly after, I met a man who ended up becoming my third long term boyfriend. When I met him it was like POW, right in the middle of my solar plexis! lol

 

Feelings I had never experienced before, ever! We dated for six years. It ended badly (I won't go into it) but I don't regret one second spent with him, he woke up something in me that had been repressed for a very long time. My sexuality!!

 

So my advice is to end it with your bf. Yes you will both feel hurt. Yes you will cry and be sad. But it needs to happen because it's just not "happening" anymore.

 

After that you're free to explore your feelings with this new guy.

 

But before you do any of that, you need to get honest with yourself, like immediately! Own your role in this and stop playing "victim."

 

Good luck!

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I don't understand how people live with themselves when they physically cheat. I couldn't keep something like that hidden, the guilt would get to me which is why I know I'll bring it up with my boyfriend real soon once I've thought it all over.

 

They start out by excusing and justifying their emotional infidelity, exactly as you are. Then the affair 'just happens' as if it was totally out of their control. But it was never out of their control. They just allowed feelings to develop by continuing to see and/or communicate with the other person.

 

I'm sure this forum has thousands of threads written from the perspective of the cheater. Or google, "it just happened" along with "affair" and see all the hits you get.

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I also find it quite interesting and telling that you created this thread under "Attraction and Flirting," instead of "Relationships" or even "Breaking Up Advice," since that is what you're contemplating doing.

 

It suggests this attraction and flirtation you've got going with this new guy is more important to you than your relationship with you boyfriend.

 

Listen to that voice, it's telling you something important about your current mindset and your true feelings and motivation.

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