Could you forgive being cheated on?

This is in no way looking for advice based on my ex cheating on me (that was given in a specific thread), but for you personally, if you discovered that your boyfriend. girlfriend, partner, husband or wife was cheating on you/had cheated on you, would you forgive them or would you be unable to?

Personally I've always believed in giving second chances, but when it comes to being unfaithful then I couldn't - even if your partner told you about it or worst still, didn't!

Over to you ladies and gents.

I could forgive a one night drunken screwup, especially if they confessed right away.

An affair? No way. Involves emotions, deception, and intent.

me? no.

it doesn't mean i hate the other person. As I believe, cheating is the result fo whatever wasn't happening in the relationship. So everybody is complicit to a certain degree.

But coudl i continue in a relationship with somebody that cheated on me? No. Never.

I'd be unable to, simply because I'd never feel comfortable/secure either waiting for the next shoe to drop, and/or constantly looking over my shoulder.

The odds of regaining full trust again are slim to none, (imo).

Nope. Trust would be gone.

No way, once they cheat all trust is gone

Yes, with some caveats.

Generally speaking I think we have to forgive, for ourselves and our own peace, so forgiveness is not the same as staying together. So on those grounds I would work to forgive just about any form of infidelity.

In terms of forgiving and staying together: yes, I'm 100 percent certain I have that in me. Would probably find it relatively "easy," all things considered, if it was a drunken ONS, much more challenging if it was a protracted affair. But not impossible. Would depend on the circumstances.

I get that this is the ultimate dealbreaker for most people, but personally I'm amazed at the sh*t people will rationalize putting up with inside a relationship under the "in good times and bad umbrella" while pulling the rip cord because their spouse slept with someone else a few times. And I don't mean that to sound flip. I think a lot of relationships genuinely grow stronger by working through that sh*t together, and believe infidelity can present a similar opportunity.

I'm in MLD's camp. While I can't confidently say I could "forgive" (as in keep them around) in any scenario, I'd do so in the case of a drunken hookup much sooner than a concerted effort of any kind. Much simpler and easier for someone to not get tanked around attractive folks or in precarious settings while their partner isn't around than it is to bank on them figuring out and fixing why it is they cope with relationship stresses in a way that compels them to cheat. And even with the former, it would take my partner fully realizing and being on-board with the notion of, "Hey... I'm a ****ty drunk, so that means I don't get drunk like that again." I don't have any interest in making demands or policing behavior, particularly when it's a common-sense solution one should come to and volunteer themselves.

Not without couples counselling to figure out why it happened and what we BOTH have to do in order to go forward together with our needs being met and trust being re-established.

I may be able to forgive them, BUT that doesn't mean I'll ever go back to them. Ever.

I think this depends on what you mean by forgive, exactly. Do you mean to try to work through it and stay together?

If so - no, I discovered I could not.

Absolutely not, but that's just me. Trust is broken and cannot be mended 100%. I consider myself a very easy going and understanding person but that is something that I could not get over. No way, no how.

I think that I would try to forgive if there were children involved and the other person was willing to go to couple's therapy to get to the bottom of why it happened. However, if there were no children involved, I would probably be done with them forever no ifs and buts.

I think we should always strive to forgive - if we don't, we will carry that bitterness and resentiment within us, it will fester and has the potential of negatively affecting every RL we have going forward, on some level or another.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or remaining in the RL.

Only the person who was cheated on can decide that and imo would depend on many factors, which is why I am refraining from giving a yes or no answer, too many variables.

In any event, I always try to forgive, keeps me from feeling resentful and bitter.

An affair would be the end of my relationship no ifs ands or buts. Life is too short not to trust the person you're with

There's some interesting responses here and neither are right or wrong, it's down to the individual whether they could forgive or not - albeit a very personal decision.

I know what some of you mean when you say that you won't know how to feel unless you were put in that situation yourself. I am simply speaking from experience and appreciate that for some people it would be hard to know what you'd do in these circumstances.

No. It would be a game changer and deal breaker. It doesn't matter if it's a ons and the excuse is lack of impulse control,hedonism, drinking, whatever. That is a character flaw that no wants to keep worrying about that. If it's an affair with all the calculated deception, that too indicates character flaws. The ability to stab you in the back for their own pleasure, ego gratification, etc. is not something to dismiss. So either way it's a deal breaker not only because of the betrayal in itself but the larger issue of lack of moral compass or self restraint. Why trust someone who can't be trusted? Makes no sense.

'I get that this is the ultimate dealbreaker for most people, but personally I'm amazed at the sh*t people will rationalize putting up with inside a relationship under the "in good times and bad umbrella" while pulling the rip cord because their spouse slept with someone else a few times. '

Hallelujah. Thank you Bluecastle.

Yes, I'd forgive. I'd be horribly hurt but I'd forgive. ONS, affair, whatever. I'd kill him first, continue killing him for a few weeks and then forgive. And he'd forgive me too, that much I know for sure.

I die laughing every time someone posts something along the lines of 'we'd have to go to couple's therapy to get to the bottom of why it happened'. Really?? 'Dr such and such. I've been with the same man for 20 years. I adore him, our lives are intertwined on all levels, I couldn't ever leave him, I cannot fathom life without him - he's almost like a body part after all this time and I'm way too old to be 'starting again', I don't want to ruin my life. But I'm getting older by the minute. I'm terrified that this is IT for me, that I'll never feel the magical explosion that is being newly in love. We're not guaranteed tomorrow, this is my ONE life, so I went out with a friend, had a few glasses too many and.. Would you please help me establish why it happened?' Sorry but.. haaa. Ha. Ha. This and 'well if you are not happy just leave'. Because of course it is that simple. You just leave.

Never.

I don't care if it's a drunken hookup, or a simple make out session. Any form of cheating, and it's over.

'I get that this is the ultimate dealbreaker for most people, but personally I'm amazed at the sh*t people will rationalize putting up with inside a relationship under the "in good times and bad umbrella" while pulling the rip cord because their spouse slept with someone else a few times. '

 

Hallelujah. Thank you Bluecastle.

 

Yes, I'd forgive. I'd be horribly hurt but I'd forgive. ONS, affair, whatever. I'd kill him first, continue killing him for a few weeks and then forgive. And he'd forgive me too, that much I know for sure.

 

I die laughing every time someone posts something along the lines of 'we'd have to go to couple's therapy to get to the bottom of why it happened'. Really?? 'Dr such and such. I've been with the same man for 20 years. I adore him, our lives are intertwined on all levels, I couldn't ever leave him, I cannot fathom life without him - he's almost like a body part after all this time and I'm way too old to be 'starting again', I don't want to ruin my life. But I'm getting older by the minute. I'm terrified that this is IT for me, that I'll never feel the magical explosion that is being newly in love. We're not guaranteed tomorrow, this is my ONE life, so I went out with a friend, had a few glasses too many and.. Would you please help me establish why it happened?' Sorry but.. haaa. Ha. Ha. This and 'well if you are not happy just leave'. Because of course it is that simple. You just leave.

Yeah that's precisely what commitment means, isn't it? Especially when it pertains to marriage.

For better or worse. Through good times and bad times.

I did break up with my long term bf (we were engaged planning our wedding), a few years back when his drug addiction became so bad he began verbally abusing me, and although I have no solid proof, cheating on me with his drug addicted skanks (meth and heroin).

I tried to help him through at first, but he broke our promise and went back to it, after that I lost complete trust so had to end it.

I felt very guilty about that for a long time (still do in many ways) that I didn't stick by him through thick and thin, for better or for worse, but it was a decision I don't regret for one second cause I am in a much better and healthier RL now!

But Metal I see your point too, 20 years? Wow that is a very long time, my ex and I were together 6 years, and not married, but in your shoes, a 20 year marriage, I might have made a different choice.

My parents divorced and it broke our entire family apart, and screwed me up in more ways than one. So I think it's important to not act on pure impulse, think and talk things through, attempt to rebuild trust for the sake of your kids.

Sadly, I am finding that folks don't take commitment very seriously anymore. One wrong move and I'm OUT!

There is an 85% divorce rate here in CA, that is SAD!

I can forgive but I def won't stay with them.

I forgave what I was led to believe was a one-time thing with my ex-wife. I thought our "love" was stronger than a tragic misstep.

How mistaken was I!

It turns out that she was cheating for years at that point and had had numerous other affairs over the course of our marriage.

I wasted so much time with her. Ex-wife could teach a master class on hiding infidelity. And I could teach one on how to not find out.

She gave me HPV that has resulted in a throat cancer and attendant radiation/chemo/ruined teeth trifecta.

I'll never forgive her for doing this to me. The damage to my physical health is more primary than any tears shed for the betrayal.

And for what?

Her jollies.

Oh my goodness jimthzz, I am so sorry! Thank god she didn't give you HIV, which can be deadly!

Yeah I was super worried too about STDs even though I had no solid proof, but got myself checked every six months to be sure.

Thankfully, all was good.

And that's the thing about cheating -- cheat once, spouse forgives and forgets, she/he doesn't get to experience the consequences of their actions, so the cheating continues, exposing their spouse to various diseases, do they not consider that before choosing to cheat?

Not caring about that is almost more unforgiveable than the cheating!

Oh my goodness jimthzz, I am so sorry! Thank god she didn't give you HIV, which can be deadly!

 

Yeah I was super worried too about STDs even though I had no solid proof, but got myself checked every six months to be sure.

 

Thankfully, all was good.

 

And that's the thing about cheating -- cheat once, spouse forgives and forgets, she/he doesn't get to experience the consequences of their actions, so the cheating continues, exposing their spouse to various diseases, do they not consider that before choosing to cheat?

 

Not caring about that is almost more unforgiveable than the cheating!

Yes, the indifference to the risk to her own health, never-mind mine.

HIV would be awful, yes. The HPV is a risk I have forevermore. There is no cure and I could infect someone else. So I avoid doing that.

It is a tragedy for sure--not of my making.

Oh wow Jimthzz, my heart goes out to you.

SMH.

If people want to fool around, what on earth prevents them from living this lifestyle? It's there for the choosing, but don't be married in the meantime. Shhheees.

Sorry {{jimttzz}}

You did not deserve that.