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Thread: Newly married...

  1. #1

    Newly married...

    I am married a couple of weeks. My husband's family do nothing for us and did nothing for the wedding to help us. My parents helped so much and continue to help us with our children and are very much involved in our lives. I was forced to have my husband's sister as bridesmaid and my husband's brother was groomsmen. We paid for everything for them including accommodation. They are the only 2 who gave us no wedding present. Not even a card. His family did not give us any present for the wedding. It's not about a present but a card would have been nice just to acknowledge it. We got our wedding photos and I saw his father was texting all through out the mass. It's very hurtful. I'm really mad at them for being so flippant and uncaring. I told my husband that his sister was a useless bridesmaid and he called me a useless c#@t in temper. I am so upset over the whole thing. We are only married and he calls me this. I don't think it's ok for his family to be such s and I don't think it's ok for him to call me that either. I feel very deflated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long did you know each other before you got married? Was he verbally abusive before? Surely you knew his family is difficult. The biggest problem here is verbal abuse, not whose family did more or paid more. Stop debating about his family, they are who they are.

    Focus on improving communication and most of all consider if the abuse will escalate. Start reading up on abusive relationships, cycle of violence, etc. Google it now. Make an appoint with a therapist privately and confidentially. Do not tell him, do not discuss it with him. Discuss what's happening in the marriage and forget the trivia about his lame family.
    Originally Posted by Charlielucy1
    I told my husband that his sister was a useless bridesmaid and he called me a useless c#@t in temper. We are only married and he calls me this.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sorry but don't start a fire and then cry about getting burned by it. Calling his sister useless was completely out of line. He is responded pretty much on par to your level. It doesn't make either one of you right. If you have a problem with something, you need to learn how to talk to each other without hitting below the belt and flinging insults.

    I really don't get your attitude about his family. You are both grown adults and they don't owe you a thing. I think you are way spoiled by your own family and their over involvement in your life. You need to adjust your attitude if you want to have a happy marriage. Picking fights and attacking his family is probably not a hill you want to die on.

  4. #4
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    I agree with Wiseman - were there any signs of this from his family and your husband prior to getting married?
    I've got to believe there were signs (and perhaps many signs) that they were this way prior to the wedding day.

    I'm not sure what advice I would give here. You either, I guess, have to do your best to improve the situation and become "friendlier" with his family and lead by example so they become more friendly, OR, you have to accept this is just how they are and what you married into, OR, you decide this was a huge mistake and file for divorce.

    Those are really your 3 options here.

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  6. #5
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    Did you two have children before you got married? How long were you together and how many children and how old are they?

    His family may have felt that if you've been together for years and already had children, the marriage ceremony was simply an overdue formality.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    One of the reasons my ex and I split (among many others) was that he continuously criticized my family while putting his own on a pedestal. I recognize that my family aren't perfect, but they weren't horrible people by any stretch of the imagination, just not his cup of tea... and it hurt my feelings when he would put them down.

    OP I can guarantee you that if you continue to compare his family negatively to yours it will drive a wedge between you and your husband. You knew who they were when you married him and it's naive for you to expect that there is anything he could do about who they are.

  8. #7
    But she was useless. The other girls done a lot to help and she did nothing. The other girls have since told me that anything they had to buy for party etc she did not contribute. The whole thing is that his family do not do anything to help us in any way at all. We thought the wedding would be different. Not only this its very hard to speak to my husband about it as he immediately goes on the defensive. They did not come to our rehersal and this hurt my husband a lot

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Charlielucy1
    But she was useless. The other girls done a lot to help and she did nothing. The other girls have since told me that anything they had to buy for party etc she did not contribute. The whole thing is that his family do not do anything to help us in any way at all. We thought the wedding would be different. Not only this its very hard to speak to my husband about it as he immediately goes on the defensive. They did not come to our rehersal and this hurt my husband a lot
    I will say this again - you are an adult. They do.not.owe.you.a.thing. If you continue to harp on and call his sister useless and continue in this hateful vein toward his family, you can just go ahead and file for divorce today or rather annulment since you just got married. You are a married woman with children. Grow up.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Why should they do you favors in exchange for going out of their way to celebrate your wedding anyhow? Our wedding was set up for collective enjoyment and celebration, not exchanging gifts and responsibilities. It was nice to receive some gifts, but we were far from break-even. Still was totally worth it. Looks like you planned yours wrong if your happiness during it was contingent on others contributing.

    What was the point in telling your husband his sister was useless anyhow? I doubt you two were enjoying a steak dinner and you felt that was just a fun fact you'd both enjoy getting brought up. I'm probably among the few, but as inexcusable as it is to call your partner a c**t, it's equally if not moreso to make very personalized digs like that. One's an outburst and the other is quite frankly malicious. Always baffles me when a curse inherently becomes the capital offense.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's in the past. What can he do about it now? He's defensive because you're attacking him and his family over things that can't be changed and are over. Still go to therapy and figure out what the verbal abuse is all about.
    Originally Posted by Charlielucy1
    The other girls have since told me that anything they had to buy for party etc she did not contribute. Not only this its very hard to speak to my husband about it as he immediately goes on the defensive.

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