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I am married a couple of weeks. My husband's family do nothing for us and did nothing for the wedding to help us. My parents helped so much and continue to help us with our children and are very much involved in our lives. I was forced to have my husband's sister as bridesmaid and my husband's brother was groomsmen. We paid for everything for them including accommodation. They are the only 2 who gave us no wedding present. Not even a card. His family did not give us any present for the wedding. It's not about a present but a card would have been nice just to acknowledge it. We got our wedding photos and I saw his father was texting all through out the mass. It's very hurtful. I'm really mad at them for being so flippant and uncaring. I told my husband that his sister was a useless bridesmaid and he called me a useless c#@t in temper. I am so upset over the whole thing. We are only married and he calls me this. I don't think it's ok for his family to be such s and I don't think it's ok for him to call me that either. I feel very deflated.

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How long did you know each other before you got married? Was he verbally abusive before? Surely you knew his family is difficult. The biggest problem here is verbal abuse, not whose family did more or paid more. Stop debating about his family, they are who they are.

 

Focus on improving communication and most of all consider if the abuse will escalate. Start reading up on abusive relationships, cycle of violence, etc. Google it now. Make an appoint with a therapist privately and confidentially. Do not tell him, do not discuss it with him. Discuss what's happening in the marriage and forget the trivia about his lame family.

I told my husband that his sister was a useless bridesmaid and he called me a useless c#@t in temper. We are only married and he calls me this.
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Sorry but don't start a fire and then cry about getting burned by it. Calling his sister useless was completely out of line. He is responded pretty much on par to your level. It doesn't make either one of you right. If you have a problem with something, you need to learn how to talk to each other without hitting below the belt and flinging insults.

 

I really don't get your attitude about his family. You are both grown adults and they don't owe you a thing. I think you are way spoiled by your own family and their over involvement in your life. You need to adjust your attitude if you want to have a happy marriage. Picking fights and attacking his family is probably not a hill you want to die on.

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I agree with Wiseman - were there any signs of this from his family and your husband prior to getting married?

I've got to believe there were signs (and perhaps many signs) that they were this way prior to the wedding day.

 

I'm not sure what advice I would give here. You either, I guess, have to do your best to improve the situation and become "friendlier" with his family and lead by example so they become more friendly, OR, you have to accept this is just how they are and what you married into, OR, you decide this was a huge mistake and file for divorce.

 

Those are really your 3 options here.

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Did you two have children before you got married? How long were you together and how many children and how old are they?

 

His family may have felt that if you've been together for years and already had children, the marriage ceremony was simply an overdue formality.

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One of the reasons my ex and I split (among many others) was that he continuously criticized my family while putting his own on a pedestal. I recognize that my family aren't perfect, but they weren't horrible people by any stretch of the imagination, just not his cup of tea... and it hurt my feelings when he would put them down.

 

OP I can guarantee you that if you continue to compare his family negatively to yours it will drive a wedge between you and your husband. You knew who they were when you married him and it's naive for you to expect that there is anything he could do about who they are.

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But she was useless. The other girls done a lot to help and she did nothing. The other girls have since told me that anything they had to buy for party etc she did not contribute. The whole thing is that his family do not do anything to help us in any way at all. We thought the wedding would be different. Not only this its very hard to speak to my husband about it as he immediately goes on the defensive. They did not come to our rehersal and this hurt my husband a lot

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But she was useless. The other girls done a lot to help and she did nothing. The other girls have since told me that anything they had to buy for party etc she did not contribute. The whole thing is that his family do not do anything to help us in any way at all. We thought the wedding would be different. Not only this its very hard to speak to my husband about it as he immediately goes on the defensive. They did not come to our rehersal and this hurt my husband a lot

 

I will say this again - you are an adult. They do.not.owe.you.a.thing. If you continue to harp on and call his sister useless and continue in this hateful vein toward his family, you can just go ahead and file for divorce today or rather annulment since you just got married. You are a married woman with children. Grow up.

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Why should they do you favors in exchange for going out of their way to celebrate your wedding anyhow? Our wedding was set up for collective enjoyment and celebration, not exchanging gifts and responsibilities. It was nice to receive some gifts, but we were far from break-even. Still was totally worth it. Looks like you planned yours wrong if your happiness during it was contingent on others contributing.

 

What was the point in telling your husband his sister was useless anyhow? I doubt you two were enjoying a steak dinner and you felt that was just a fun fact you'd both enjoy getting brought up. I'm probably among the few, but as inexcusable as it is to call your partner a c**t, it's equally if not moreso to make very personalized digs like that. One's an outburst and the other is quite frankly malicious. Always baffles me when a curse inherently becomes the capital offense.

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It's in the past. What can he do about it now? He's defensive because you're attacking him and his family over things that can't be changed and are over. Still go to therapy and figure out what the verbal abuse is all about.

The other girls have since told me that anything they had to buy for party etc she did not contribute. Not only this its very hard to speak to my husband about it as he immediately goes on the defensive.
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Why should they do you favors in exchange for going out of their way to celebrate your wedding anyhow? Our wedding was set up for collective enjoyment and celebration, not exchanging gifts and responsibilities. It was nice to receive some gifts, but we were far from break-even. Still was totally worth it. Looks like you planned yours wrong if your happiness during it was contingent on others contributing.

 

What was the point in telling your husband his sister was useless anyhow? I'm probably among the few, but as inexcusable as it is to call your partner a c**t, it's equally if not moreso to make very personalized digs like that. One's an outburst and the other is quite frankly malicious. Always baffles me when a curse inherently becomes the capital offense.

 

I agree. I find your post very entitled and the more you write the more I think that if your inlaws had given you a card that would not have been enough. No one is entitled to a party to celebrate a wedding or entitled to have people offer free help and their time - those are privileges and luxuries. You wanted to celebrate your wedding with attendants and a party and wanted others to help -and some people wanted to do that for you and others, in your opinion, did not. Because they're not obligated to accommodate your choice to have a party to celebrate your wedding. You are not entitled to help to pay for a party celebrating a wedding or to help plan/implement what you want as a party.

 

But I think your inlaws' reaction is indicative of a larger issue -they are not supportive of you as a married couple and I'm sure those issues go way back as others wrote. This specific example you gave is petty. And yes I think that they should have given you a card or some similar expression of good wishes but again I don't think that was your issue or would have resolved the issue for you particularly given all your complaints about your sister in law.

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Why should they do you favors in exchange for going out of their way to celebrate your wedding anyhow? Our wedding was set up for collective enjoyment and celebration, not exchanging gifts and responsibilities. It was nice to receive some gifts, but we were far from break-even. Still was totally worth it. Looks like you planned yours wrong if your happiness during it was contingent on others contributing.

 

What was the point in telling your husband his sister was useless anyhow? I doubt you two were enjoying a steak dinner and you felt that was just a fun fact you'd both enjoy getting brought up. I'm probably among the few, but as inexcusable as it is to call your partner a c**t, it's equally if not moreso to make very personalized digs like that. One's an outburst and the other is quite frankly malicious. Always baffles me when a curse inherently becomes the capital offense.

 

I'm with you. I actually find her sense of entitlement and bad mouthing her husband's family and then crying victim when he retaliated in kind much more concerning than him calling her a c..t. She literally incited the fight and to cry victim about the consequences is highly manipulative.

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Not all families are the same and that’s ok.

 

Since you are now married with kids, these people will be in your life for the entire rest of your life. So - now you have a choice. What kind of life do you want that to be?

 

Do you want it to be a happy, peaceful life? If so, let it go. Focus on the bridesmaids who were super helpful. And the wonderful day you had. And the new journey that you are about to embark on. Be the bigger person and find compassion and forgiveness. Are his siblings young? They may simply not have the financial resources or fully even comprehend what all went on (particularly if they are not married themselves). Forgive - but adjust accordingly. His family is not a “help you out” kind of family. Don’t expect that from them. Ever. It’s not who they are and they aren’t going to change.

 

If you want a life full of strife, continue to try to get everyone to see things “your way”. This will drive a wedge between you and your husband or your husband and his family (which in turn will make him unhappy in your marriage and wonder if he should have married you). Carry a grudge with his family and make sure everyone knows it. Poison your children against his family and deprive them of a carefree relationship with their grandparents.

 

At the end of the day, you are talking about money and presents. A happy life is worth a lot more than a couple thousand dollars. Just consider the cost a “lesson” that you paid for - that you need to have different expectations of his family and yours.

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Also, depending on the culture - in some cultures the wife's family is supposed to do everything (this is true in American culture). Hell in many traditional cultures the bride's family must offer lots of money and gifts to the groom's family to convince them the daughter is a worthy bride.

So.. you also have to consider the culture(s) involved.

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I will say this again - you are an adult. They do.not.owe.you.a.thing. If you continue to harp on and call his sister useless and continue in this hateful vein toward his family, you can just go ahead and file for divorce today or rather annulment since you just got married. You are a married woman with children. Grow up.

 

This x 1000.

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But she was useless.

 

Yes, people are a lot of things, but in the end we still have a choice in regards to what words we use to describe them. This is not about what your sister-in-law did; it's about how YOU reacted, which is really the only thing you can control.

 

Do you not see how telling your new husband that his sister was "useless" could have come out as hostile?

 

Let's be real; it is not a nice thing to say, right? Now that you have his family connected to you, it would be wise to be more considerate in the future. Words hurt, as you have learned for yourself. Next time you get pissed off at his family, count to ten & do something else for a few minutes. Then, think about what you want to tell your husband and most importantly what you want to achieve by telling him this. Do you want him to say something to his sister? If so, then instead of saying "She was useless in our wedding!" say something more sensitive, such as, "I noticed that your sister didn't . Do you mind talking to her and finding out why...? Is it because she doesn't like me or is there another reason?"

 

Do you see the difference between the two? One doesn't help anybody in its comment (some would say even 'useless'), and the other is mature and inviting him to help you figure it out together. One is an outright attack on someone he loves, the other is more constructive.

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I think when a spouse's sister or brother or someone who lives far away is given a spot in the wedding party, you should expect nothing from them expect for them to stand as witness to your union. When did it become about performance? Bury the hatchet and move on! As in stop thinking about it -- they felt probably very awkward about the whole thing themselves

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What exactly do you want your husband to do about this, OP?

 

Confront his family? Demand they help? Cut them off?

 

You are very angry but you also don't define what your goal is here. It was rude and pointless to call his sister useless - what did you expect him to do with that information? Tell her "my wife thinks you're useless"...and then?

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If my husband ever called me that word I would leave him before he finished speaking. That's not hyperbole it is fact.

 

No man should ever speak to you like that and even if you did insult his sister, there is no excuse for that kind of gendered and misogynistic abuse.

 

This won't be the first time he speaks to you this way. Keep that in mind.

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I think they both said horrible things and in this situation I don’t think the gender distinction works as in “no man should call a woman that”. She insulted a woman too - and it is his own sister - “useless “ because she wouldn’t help enough at a party.

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If my husband ever called me that word I would leave him before he finished speaking. That's not hyperbole it is fact.

 

No man should ever speak to you like that and even if you did insult his sister, there is no excuse for that kind of gendered and misogynistic abuse.

 

This won't be the first time he speaks to you this way. Keep that in mind.

Again, will never understand how the person who actually comes up with a meaningful and thought-out insult comes out ahead because they better spoke the King's. This is how we get the archetype of the emotionally abusive partner who thinks themselves in the right simply for their abuse having been softly spoken. Even worse, when they gaslight their partner once they lash back as a result, often intentionally set up to do so. Someone who could actually articulate their insults toward a loved one scares me a whole lot more than someone who curses in response to such an act. Neither is excusable, but regarding a human being (a woman no less, if we're going the route of misogyny) as valueless is objectively worse-- again, if we're to be so insistent to weigh sins rather than more constructively consider it a wash.
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Again, will never understand how the person who actually comes up with a meaningful and thought-out insult comes out ahead because they better spoke the King's. This is how we get the archetype of the emotionally abusive partner who thinks themselves in the right simply for their abuse having been softly spoken. Even worse, when they gaslight their partner once they lash back as a result, often intentionally set up to do so. Someone who could actually articulate their insults toward a loved one scares me a whole lot more than someone who curses in response to such an act. Neither is excusable, but regarding a human being (a woman no less, if we're going the route of misogyny) as valueless is objectively worse-- again, if we're to be so insistent to weigh sins rather than more constructively consider it a wash.

 

I really love your input and insight on this. I mean, sure, there are certain words as is even more obvious in today's world that are completely off limits - and there's a difference between for example using a curse as an adjective to refer to a situation or even a partner's attitude "this is ___ ridiculous" for example and using it as the label for your partner. I really do get what you're saying -that the person who uses that off limits word is "worse" than the one who insults and manipulatively insults. Of course we all must walk away/breathe whatever it takes not to use that word (or use physical abuse) but then so should the other partner. Tough one and again I can really relate to what you're saying particularly because I see "emotional abuse" flung around a bit too much these days- JMHO.

 

Edited to add. OP - I loved my inlaws and I miss them -they passed away. And one of them really really got on my nerves and treated me badly the last few years he was alive. I did speak with my husband about it in a respectful way. In my opinion my husband didn't do enough to show he had my back and I think about that at times especially when he talks fondly about his father. And I would never, ever ever say anything bad about his father's treatment of me now even though I have to bite my tongue at times and I still feel he should have stuck up for me more. But I won't cross that line -I'd rather swallow the negativity/resentment than malign or criticize his father especially since he passed away - you have to do that in a marriage IMO to keep the peace -you don't let it all hang out especially when you're referring to your inlaws.

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I hated my wedding because of my in-laws over involvement, and I harped on it for a long time. All it did was make my husband uncomfortable, I got nothing positive by complaining.

There was nothing that could be done because it was in the past. If I wanted things to be different, then I should have paid for everything myself..

If you want to drive a wedge between you and your husband and his family, then by all means, keep going. If you want to start your life together as a couple, move on. Sounds like you both may need to learn how to fight in a positive way. Try therapy, or a religious advisor.

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