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Thread: Newly married...

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Why should they do you favors in exchange for going out of their way to celebrate your wedding anyhow? Our wedding was set up for collective enjoyment and celebration, not exchanging gifts and responsibilities. It was nice to receive some gifts, but we were far from break-even. Still was totally worth it. Looks like you planned yours wrong if your happiness during it was contingent on others contributing.

    What was the point in telling your husband his sister was useless anyhow? I'm probably among the few, but as inexcusable as it is to call your partner a c**t, it's equally if not moreso to make very personalized digs like that. One's an outburst and the other is quite frankly malicious. Always baffles me when a curse inherently becomes the capital offense.
    I agree. I find your post very entitled and the more you write the more I think that if your inlaws had given you a card that would not have been enough. No one is entitled to a party to celebrate a wedding or entitled to have people offer free help and their time - those are privileges and luxuries. You wanted to celebrate your wedding with attendants and a party and wanted others to help -and some people wanted to do that for you and others, in your opinion, did not. Because they're not obligated to accommodate your choice to have a party to celebrate your wedding. You are not entitled to help to pay for a party celebrating a wedding or to help plan/implement what you want as a party.

    But I think your inlaws' reaction is indicative of a larger issue -they are not supportive of you as a married couple and I'm sure those issues go way back as others wrote. This specific example you gave is petty. And yes I think that they should have given you a card or some similar expression of good wishes but again I don't think that was your issue or would have resolved the issue for you particularly given all your complaints about your sister in law.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Why should they do you favors in exchange for going out of their way to celebrate your wedding anyhow? Our wedding was set up for collective enjoyment and celebration, not exchanging gifts and responsibilities. It was nice to receive some gifts, but we were far from break-even. Still was totally worth it. Looks like you planned yours wrong if your happiness during it was contingent on others contributing.

    What was the point in telling your husband his sister was useless anyhow? I doubt you two were enjoying a steak dinner and you felt that was just a fun fact you'd both enjoy getting brought up. I'm probably among the few, but as inexcusable as it is to call your partner a c**t, it's equally if not moreso to make very personalized digs like that. One's an outburst and the other is quite frankly malicious. Always baffles me when a curse inherently becomes the capital offense.
    I'm with you. I actually find her sense of entitlement and bad mouthing her husband's family and then crying victim when he retaliated in kind much more concerning than him calling her a c..t. She literally incited the fight and to cry victim about the consequences is highly manipulative.

  3. #13
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    Not all families are the same and that’s ok.

    Since you are now married with kids, these people will be in your life for the entire rest of your life. So - now you have a choice. What kind of life do you want that to be?

    Do you want it to be a happy, peaceful life? If so, let it go. Focus on the bridesmaids who were super helpful. And the wonderful day you had. And the new journey that you are about to embark on. Be the bigger person and find compassion and forgiveness. Are his siblings young? They may simply not have the financial resources or fully even comprehend what all went on (particularly if they are not married themselves). Forgive - but adjust accordingly. His family is not a “help you out” kind of family. Don’t expect that from them. Ever. It’s not who they are and they aren’t going to change.

    If you want a life full of strife, continue to try to get everyone to see things “your way”. This will drive a wedge between you and your husband or your husband and his family (which in turn will make him unhappy in your marriage and wonder if he should have married you). Carry a grudge with his family and make sure everyone knows it. Poison your children against his family and deprive them of a carefree relationship with their grandparents.

    At the end of the day, you are talking about money and presents. A happy life is worth a lot more than a couple thousand dollars. Just consider the cost a “lesson” that you paid for - that you need to have different expectations of his family and yours.

  4. #14
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    Also, depending on the culture - in some cultures the wife's family is supposed to do everything (this is true in American culture). Hell in many traditional cultures the bride's family must offer lots of money and gifts to the groom's family to convince them the daughter is a worthy bride.
    So.. you also have to consider the culture(s) involved.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I will say this again - you are an adult. They do.not.owe.you.a.thing. If you continue to harp on and call his sister useless and continue in this hateful vein toward his family, you can just go ahead and file for divorce today or rather annulment since you just got married. You are a married woman with children. Grow up.
    This x 1000.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    But she was useless.
    Yes, people are a lot of things, but in the end we still have a choice in regards to what words we use to describe them. This is not about what your sister-in-law did; it's about how YOU reacted, which is really the only thing you can control.

    Do you not see how telling your new husband that his sister was "useless" could have come out as hostile?

    Let's be real; it is not a nice thing to say, right? Now that you have his family connected to you, it would be wise to be more considerate in the future. Words hurt, as you have learned for yourself. Next time you get pissed off at his family, count to ten & do something else for a few minutes. Then, think about what you want to tell your husband and most importantly what you want to achieve by telling him this. Do you want him to say something to his sister? If so, then instead of saying "She was useless in our wedding!" say something more sensitive, such as, "I noticed that your sister didn't <insert her crime here>. Do you mind talking to her and finding out why...? Is it because she doesn't like me or is there another reason?"

    Do you see the difference between the two? One doesn't help anybody in its comment (some would say even 'useless'), and the other is mature and inviting him to help you figure it out together. One is an outright attack on someone he loves, the other is more constructive.

  8. #17
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    I think when a spouse's sister or brother or someone who lives far away is given a spot in the wedding party, you should expect nothing from them expect for them to stand as witness to your union. When did it become about performance? Bury the hatchet and move on! As in stop thinking about it -- they felt probably very awkward about the whole thing themselves

  9. #18
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    What exactly do you want your husband to do about this, OP?

    Confront his family? Demand they help? Cut them off?

    You are very angry but you also don't define what your goal is here. It was rude and pointless to call his sister useless - what did you expect him to do with that information? Tell her "my wife thinks you're useless"...and then?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    If my husband ever called me that word I would leave him before he finished speaking. That's not hyperbole it is fact.

    No man should ever speak to you like that and even if you did insult his sister, there is no excuse for that kind of gendered and misogynistic abuse.

    This won't be the first time he speaks to you this way. Keep that in mind.

  11. #20
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    I think they both said horrible things and in this situation I don’t think the gender distinction works as in “no man should call a woman that”. She insulted a woman too - and it is his own sister - “useless “ because she wouldn’t help enough at a party.

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