was breaking up the right choice?

My ex-boyfriend and I dated for three years. I broke up with him less than a month ago and I am having second thoughts. We moved in together after a few months. We have the same sense of humor, same goals in life (marriage and children), both academically inclined and have academic discussions.

He was really busy with work and school which meant he had less time to spend with me. We rarely went out (got dinner once in a while). We used to get drinks in the beginning but later stopped because he felt he was wasting his time and could be doing work and he didn't like it. Our weeks will consist watching a show on tv and weekends him going to the office. On weekends I would distract myself by going to the mall. I felt like I was alone like single but with a boyfriend. I then started doing activities on my own (not just going to the mall) because I wanted to experience life. I told him we were growing apart, so we booked a flight to Japan and then while I was there I felt like it was more of a friendship. It is also during this time when I started checking other guys out and wanting to date them. When I felt this was the case, I ended the relationship. But was this too soon? Am I breaking up for the wrong reasons? am I beeing too picky? have been told that after a while relationships turn boring and that there is no perfect relationship. I miss him now (three weeks after the breakup) and the thought of him dating someone else makes me jealous. I have also wanted to stop by your place to say hi/ see him but I have stopped myself. He wanted to spice things up in the relationship, but I told him it might be too late. However, I am not sure. We also stopped having sex for maybe 6 months, so we weren't having sex in the relationship. Did I make the right choice or am I being picky and should I work things out with this man who loves me ? My ex says he can make time for me and that gradually we will go back to wanting to have sex, but is this true?

Sorry to hear this. Where did you move to? You did the right thing. You were incompatible and this ended up in the roommate zone. After 3 long lonely affection lacking years this is a matter of cutting your losses.

Often moving in together too soon is for convenience, sharing bills, chores, etc just like roommates and often it ends up there. Why be in a cold distant situation like this when you can have roommates for company/shared expenses And a romantic affectionate life with someone more compatible and interested?

The romance dies because of the tedium of playing house before you really build a romance/relationship together. As you felt it gets lonelier and lonelier and like roommates the longing for some affection and company outside the household/relationship increases. Was he seeing someone else? It sounds like he checked out a long time ago.

We moved in together after a few months. I ended the relationship.

 

We also stopped having sex for maybe 6 months, so we weren't having sex in the relationship.

He wasn't cheating on me but at times I was the one that was really close to cheating. I would get asked out on dates and really wanted to go. I think he just really focused on school and work, but stopped spending time with me. He was also sort of antisocial and did not want to go anywhere. I am more social and wanted to go out.

I think you made the right choice, personally.

It sounds like he lost interest in you and your relationship. The dried-up sex life is a reflection of that.

How old are you both?

He didn't know how to have a healthy balance in all areas of his life, and you got the short end of the stick. I'm sure you must've talked to him during the relationship, asking him to join you on outings and told him that you were unhappy. If he cared that you were unhappy all that time, he would have made efforts to keep the emotional connection with you.

Even if he made more efforts if you got back together, you are incompatible and he will end up resenting the outings since he's not a social butterfly like you. Loving someone isn't the only thing you need for a successful relationship. In the future, don't make major decisions like moving in with someone for a minimum of a year. It takes a while to see if a guy meets all of your main needs and lacks dealbreakers. Stay single for a good year after this breakup, because if you don't find happiness solo for now, you will subconsciously keep picking the same type of guy over and over. Take care.

Next time wait more than "a few months" before moving in together. You didn't know one another well enough.

And you know if you did go to him wanting to get back together things would be the same. How does 40-50 years of that sound to you?

Yes, it sounds like you absolutely made the right decision. Your relationship has been dying a slow death for quite some time and it sounds like you both tried to save things, but there was just nothing left to save. On top of that, you have both been emotionally disconnected for a long time and physically disconnected for the last 6 months. It was long past due to end things. You probably should have ended it sooner. Getting back together will just leave you in the same place - alone and starving for companionship.

When people talk about things getting boring after you've been in a relationship for a long time, they don't mean your situation. Your bf checked out and started to hide behind work. You were in fact single and only in a relationship as a formality. When you get to a point where you are so starved for human contact that you crave dating others.....that's a shining beacon that you need to end what you have and actually find a more fulfilling relationship.

Also, I completely disagree that you should impose some kind of no dating moratorium on yourself for a year. All that will do is leave you feeling even more alone and desperate and very very vulnerable to making bad relationship decisions out of sheer desperation. Go ahead and enjoy your freedom to finally date and find a guy who actually wants to be with you and where you won't feel single and alone in a relationship.

stick with the breakup for now and continue to explore on your own and "live life" and give it some time. You are in REBOUND zone right now so of course you miss him and want to go back - that satisfies the REBOUND syndrome.

Remember that something made you make the drastic step of cutting him off. dont' underestimate that.

Continue on your path. "live life" and see how that goes for a few months. At the very least long enough to get over REBOUND with him.

Once you are there you can then re-assess at that point. chances are you'll have met somebody else by then and will forget about your ex-.

honestly, you felt like friends because of your changing atttude ---

i have news for you - marriage if you got married is not all wining and dining - going out to dinner once a week is actually pretty active for a married couple. When someone has work and school requirements and a heavy workload -- having someone who feels unfulfilled if you are not going out for drinks several times a week is frustrating --- its time to grow up a little. If you don't want to be in a committed relationship, then fine, you did him a favor by leaving him, but then don't get serious with anyone if you expect things when you are married or living together to just be like the early dating period -- only being able to have the same bed as a perk. For the next guy you meet - for pete's sake don't move in like that.

Not married. So, people who are married dont have sex for 6 months and that's normal, part of marriage behavior?it seems that you're implying that it is normal for couples not to have sex and be in a routine and that my attitude is what caused it.