Second thoughts about leaving a practice to start my own

Hi Everyone,

I'm a little worried that I might have made a mistake by opening up my own private practice in October/November. I was originally a private contractor in a private practice walking distance from my home, but I started to feel like I could do the work on my own without sacrificing 35% of my pay to work under another practice.

Now that I have opened up my own practice and have been there for a few months, I'm starting to have second thoughts about leaving the security and comfort of the old practice, as well as my colleagues who I adored. I'm probably making about the same I did like the old practice, but I think I will be making more money soon as I get more established. That being said, I visited the owner of my old practice today to give her some chocolate I got for her while I was in Switzerland over the holidays, and it really hit home how much I miss her office space (it's much, much larger and cosier than mine), and having colleagues like her.

Additionally, I miss being able to walk over to work in a matter of minutes. I miss not having to deal with administrative duties, paying rent, social media accounts, and other business related stressors. I had decided to leave originally as when I was due to sign my contract with the previous practice, my lawyer suggested financially it would make more sense for me to branch out on my own, as for the most part, my 35% cut was going towards the use of the office space and nothing more, which I could find at a fraction of that cost, which was true. Also, I had to share the office space with my colleagues, which meant there were certain days or hours I couldn't work even though I wanted to.

That being said, I don't think I factored in how much I would miss the space and the proximity to my home, my colleagues, and the piece of mind of someone else taking care of the business side of things. I feel like I didn't talk to the practice owner enough about what I would need to stay, such as more hours, a smaller percentage cut (although I did ask about this and she declined), and her taking on more administrative tasks for me.

I guess what I'm wondering- is this regret normal? Will it go away, or is it a sign I made a rash decision? I was pretty insecure about opening up my own practice, to begin with, but all my friends and family (and lawyer) insisted it was by far the better thing to do professionally and financially. I think I also complained about and overexaggerated my concerns with the practice owner, as I was stressed about my relationship and believe I projected a lot of that onto her (i.e., getting very annoyed if she made a mistake or didn't complete administrative tasks for me right away). I suppose now I just worry I let these opinions decide for me, rather giving myself more time to think it through. I feel really lonely at my current office space, as the other psychologists who are in the same vicinity are often not working when I am.

To make matters worse, I am also struggling with a LDR right now and whether or not I will move to a new continent to make that work. Perhaps this is affecting how I'm feeling about my business too, I'm not sure. I just feel so lost and confused, and worried that I'm going to continue to regret leaving a comfortable position to start out on my own. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Lae, You have got a TON of insecurities and questions, that based on your career you should be fully capable of understanding.

I promise you Im not trying to be dismissive.

I am simply not comprehending how a woman with so many accomplishments under her belt cant seem to function without people holding her hand though it. It was the same concept with your ex. Seriously speaking YOU should know full well what coping mechanisms should be used....why dont you use them?

Youve been asked this dozens of times already but if I was your patient and I posed this question what would your advice to me be?

There seems to be a HUGE disconnect here.

I realize people in general have a hard time looking within and seeing what others do but you have very specific questions, that tend to come off like a lack of comprehension again of things you should be well versed on.

Why do you think such a huge disconnect is occurring?

What have you been doing lately to work on things such as self esteem and self confidence? Have you explored the possibility that this relationship isnt fulfilling and was possibly a rebound?

Is it possible you have an attachment disorder?

I think you owe it not only to yourself but your patients to get yourself in a healthy headspace.

Hi figureitout23,

You are of course completely correct that in my position, I should know better. I can't answer why this happens to me though, why I am insecure about most decisions I make in life. I feel embarassed that for the most part, I feel I need the approval of my parents or some other authority figure to make my decisions for me. It's a vicious cycle, I fear regret --> become indecisive ---> seek external guidance/opinions ---> regret decisions ---> fear regret.

I think the answer here really is that I need to be making my decisions, maybe independently from getting feeback from others. The relationship issues aside, when it comes to this business venture, I had a LOT of people tell me it was the smarter thing to do, but again, this is based on my account/narrative to them. They are not the onese doing the work day in and day out, I am. Therefore I am the only one that knows what's best for me. When I was emailing the previous practice owner about resigning, I was already having second thoughts. I knew at that moment that I could still back out of my business, or at least wait a few months until I felt more comfortable to take that leap. However, I remember precisely that moment thinking if I did that, I would lose all respect of my parents and potentially other family and friends if I didn't go through with it, since it was such an obvious choice from a financial perspective.

I feel sad that I didn't hone and listen to my own voice, my gut that was telling me I wasn't ready. I think if I had allowed myself more time to adjust to the idea, I might still have decided to branch out on my own, but then I would be more confident about it and I would see the pros weighing out the cons. As it stands now, I feel like I can't see that objectively and my emotions are leading rather than my head.

That being said, do you think it's more likely that this is just a negative pattern I engage in rather than true regret about the issue at hand? I honestly hope so, because then I can continue to work on this with a therapist rather than feel like I left a practice that was a better fit for me than being on my own.

I honestly don’t know.

I don’t know what’s going on with you but it’s something. You just come off like you have absolutely no confidence in yourself and you have trouble making decisions on your own and living without... I guess crutches. Like you’re afraid to be alone on your own taking risks.

You’re currently in therapy right? Has this issue of regretting this move come up?

Is regret a pattern with you?

I don’t think you answered but do you know if you have an attachment disorder?

I mean I don’t know the details of business ownership so hopefully someone more well versed can help you.

Me personally I I guess like you work better in group settings, I can work independently but I like being part of a team. So even though I never expieriences the other side at my age I know what works for me. If I had a friend or family member tell me I needed to change my career for financial reasons etc. I would hear them out but I think I’d do what I felt was best.

Are you a people pleaser maybe?

Again i don’t know.... you have a lot going on, there’s a lot beneath the surface.

If you were a first time poster and I didn’t recognize your SN I would ask why you allowed others to dictate what was best for you as a grown adult. Then I would ask if there was anyway to back out of it and then I’d ask if it’s fear driving you and maybe fear of the unknown or do you truly not like to be in this different environment.

Being a start up is very trendy now. However making that change is a trade off. Perhaps you did not look at all dimensions of such a move when making that choice. There are intangibles that friends, family, attorneys, etc can't assess for you. That includes the work atmosphere, socializing, colleagues, business headaches rather than just doing what you do, etc.

Additionally, I miss being able to walk over to work in a matter of minutes. I miss not having to deal with administrative duties, paying rent, social media accounts, and other business related stressors. I had decided to leave originally as when I was due to sign my contract with the previous practice, my lawyer suggested financially it would make more sense for me to branch out on my own, as for the most part, my 35% cut was going towards the use of the office space and nothing more, which I could find at a fraction of that cost, which was true. Also, I had to share the office space with my colleagues, which meant there were certain days or hours I couldn't work even though I wanted to.

Unfortunately, everybody operates with imperfect information. Nobody knows it all. You did some due diligence by talking to a lawyer. It may have helped to speak to an accountant as well.

But regardless, neither can measure the value of certain creature comforts that you miss because those things are totally subjective. You didn't realize that they would have a cost and they do. In fact, many people take them for granted.

And everyone forgot about the administrative tasks which--UGH--I know how draining it is to be saddled with those on top of your actual responsibilities, even if you're very organized about it.

Oh well, live and learn. Don't look at this oversight as a bad thing. If you're not learning, if you're one of those people who thinks you know everything, then you're pretty useless--so great job!

The question is, does the 35% make up for the things that you lost? Would it help to hire an administrative assistant/social media person to help with those tasks, maybe on a part time basis? Is there anything you could do with your office space to make it more homey?

Think in these terms before you throw in the towel. The track you're on is a great learning experience and success could be very rewarding.

Well....all I'm going to say is that many lawyers are in fact terrible business advisers. Not all, of course, but the majority.

To be blunt, it does seem like you jumped impulsively and without really doing full due diligence and considering all that's involved in running your own practice, including your personal individual needs for a supportive work atmosphere and ability to talk to colleagues and be reassured, bounce ideas, etc. Without knowing full details, 35% going to the practice is quite reasonable. It may well cost you much more than that to market, hire help, and maintain your own practice and grow it. Growth costs don't go down, they go up, especially when you are growing and expanding. I think you need to find a very very good and talented, well connected accountant who actually specializes in your practice area to help guide you through the numbers and connect you to the right resources to get you the help that you need to grow the practice. Someone who can create a proper business and financial plan that you can follow. Keep in mind also, that running your own business, marketing and seeking new clients never ends along with the headaches that come with that.

In short, if I got a dollar for every time I've with someone who decided to jump ship only to discover that the waters are cold and stormy...... Not implying that you won't succeed, only that you better buckle up and get tough. You've got a bumpy ride ahead of you.

Lots of terrific questions - here are my thoughts:

1. You're making as much as you did before and aren't established yet. Nobody said self-employment and branching out on your own was easy. It typhically takes a while to get thing up and going with momentum for the fruits to pay off. That you're at the same income level already means your way ahead of the game.

2. Could you have maybe worked more at talking with the older practice to address some of the concerns and wishes you had? Yes! And you can always have that discussion (its' never too late). Maybe you can put a feeler out about having such discussions to come back.

3. You miss the space and the staff that did some of the administrative stuff for you. True. But you just started. You're not goign to get your ultimate perfect office space right off the bat. You work up to that. Also, as you get established you will be able to put more towards staff and such and hire your own to do such things eventually right? This is all just the foundational growing pains any entrepreneurial start-up must got thru. It's hard work at first hopefully to pay off in spades later.

4. Maybe you can do a "split" thing where you do X hours at the old practice but Y yours at the new practice until the new practice starts to take off? It may take longer, but may feel more reassuring and make you happier.

The decision is yours. Jumping in with 2 feet and sticking to it is harder for sure, but the rewards can be higher.

Phasing it in isn't as hard, but the time it takes to reap the rewqrds may take longer.

Lastly, maybe you just need to re-negotiate with the old practice and that will be your happiest best solution.

Only you can know. Good luck and continued success with your practice.

Hi Everyone,

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this and other concerns in my life, and I realized there is one huge common theme. My indecisiveness and then regret after making a decision revolves mostly around making a decision that seems to be the "popular vote" (from friends and family), rather than what I truly want at the time. I believe the past was resurfacing for me so much lately because the same mistake was (and sort of is) still happening-I keep putting my decisions on others rather than taking the time to process them properly on my own and then being brave enough to make the decision that is best for me rather than what everyone thinks. When it comes down to it, when I was deciding whether or not to open my practice, I got a lot of comments like "you'd be a fool not to!" or "it's silly for you to stay just because you like your coworkers" and "a 15-20 minute commute isn't bad at all!" which all might be very well true, but I don't think it was the case for me, at least not right now.

Jibralta, to answer your questions, I am seriously wondering about this now. I don't think I could really financially stomach paying someone to do the assistant/social media side of things, not to mention I'm still learning it myself and I don't know that I would be able to explain it properly to someone. Unfortunately, I have done everything to make my office space as homey as I could, it is nicely decorated. The true problem is the lack of space, it is so small. I knew that going in, and I told my parents about this, but my mother is very headstrong and she kept insisting it was more than enough room. I should have listened to my gut, and realized that it just isn't for me. I have to use my computer at the very edge of the desk when I am with clients, and it's not comfotable for me. There is simply no fix for this, as the space is just too small. That being said, the building is a lot newer and nicer, but I hear that at the previous practice they are undergoing renovations so I suppose that will change, too.

thisisrichey, thank you for your very thorough and thoughtful reply. I will go through your questions/points:

1.I think that financially, there was no question this was the better choice for me. I believe in time I will be making quite a bit more at my own practice, however, it is the other issues that I seem to have underestimated (i.e., constantly working on the business, taking the full responsibility for any issues, commute to my home, etc.)

2. I did attempt at the very end of me leaving the practice, but I think it was very confusing and up and down. As in at first I told her I'd like to still stay on a couple days a week, and then after I told my parents about this they said I was crazy to do that when I would make much more money at my own clinic, I sort of backed and and I think this confused and worried her. I should have listened again to my gut and what I wanted, but I was so insecure at the time and unsure what the best thing to do was. That being said, the practice owner and I are on very good terms, so maybe it is possible to have this discussion again. I think I could talk to her about how much I miss the team and the office, and how there are some of my clients that much preferred the previous location due to proximity to their homes. That being said, would I not lose all pride and dignity to ask to come back after starting up my own practice?

3. I guess I feel totally terrified at the idea of hiring others when I think about how many concerns I had with the practice owner before, the last thing I would want to deal with is potential employees or contractors to have concerns with me. But perhaps this confidence will come with time, I'm unsure.

4. I would honestly love this option, but I'm not sure she would go for it anymore based on #2. Also, my friends and family said it would be silly for me to do that when I'm already paying a fixed fee for rent at the other clinic, whether I see clients there or not.

At this point, I truly feel like i should have discussed my concerns with her and see what happened. If she was unable to budge on anything, or cutting my hours which I THOUGHT she was doing, but now looking back, I think it was a misunderstanding, I think I would feel better about my decision now. I think eventually I would have left regardless, but I think maybe I am a year or so from that feeling like a comfortable decision, rather than a rushed one. Looking back, I think I wss so rushed because I had found this space, and the owner of that space put the pressure on me saying there were lots of other interested tenants, but now I believe that was not true.

Anyway, I'm worried that there isn't a way back to this clinic without looking like a total failure to my clients, friends and family, and the clinic owner. What I really wish I could do is go back in time and have a discussion with her more about all of this, but I can't do that! My lease expires in March, as we only signed a temporary 6 month lease in October, but I'm wondering if I should discuss my concerns with the previous practice owner now and see if she's even open to the idea of me coming back, even on a part time basis?

You wouldn't be the first or the last person to decide that the associated headaches of running your own business aren't worth the increase in income. That's not a failure, that's actually very common and happens all the time. in various professions, it's really quite common for people to be in one practice, then go out on their own, then suddenly join up again with either same or another practice. Clients really don't think much of it and even if they ask, the underlying presumption is that you are doing what's most beneficial to you, financially and otherwise. People assume strategy, rather than failure. The failure is what you are telling yourself, so don't.

Sounds like you very much still have a good relationship with your old practice, so it's worth talking and exploring that. The worst that they'll say is no, but the benefit to you is that either way, you won't have to wonder what if.

I think you also need to explore other office spaces and options/practices as well. In other words, you have a bit of time to make a more reasoned out and researched decision. Since you are so easily pressured and influenced by others, consider keeping what you are doing to yourself and make a decision you are actually comfortable and happy with. Ironically, your mother being very willful is why you are so indecisive. She pushed her will and decisiveness on you as a child and....you are carrying that into your adult life by leaning way too much on others' opinions. You need to be more aware of that and remember that your mother's will is actually within you as well, you just need to learn how to tap into it, unleash it, and trust yourself more. Don't believe me? Taking off on your own took guts and will, even if it was brash. Just learn how to tame and use it to your advantage rather than disadvantage and that means learning how to keep mum and make your own decisions without running everything by the peanut gallery and then going with what the peanut gallery says. Always remember that no matter what advice anyone gives you, nobody lives with the consequences except for you.

Hi... okay great feedback and great insight onto yourself (very important to always be honest with yourself so you can get the best results and put in the correct fixes).

My responses to yours:

1. Those tasks you can hire out though and find people you like (it's an option). Or just realize that with the pain of doing all that, the rewards ceiling is much higher. Or you have to decide that is JUST not what you will ever be happy doing regardless of the rewards, regardless if you can pay somebody else to do it (and it sonds like much cheaper than the old practice office) - that it just makes more sense to not have your own practice. This only you can decide.

2. I say there is no pain in re-kindling talks, but make it more as a "continuation" of your previous talks. do NOT let on that you're not happy, 2nd guessing yourself, or private practice wasn't what you thought - you're only putting yourself at a negative negotiating disadvantage there and will less likely get what you want. Instead, just re-open talks from last time and say "if they still feel it's mutually beneficial to both sides when you were at their office, that maybe with a few tweaks you can work things out." Then lay out your wants/needs/concerns and what you want (if they expres mutual interest in bringign you back). Over-ask (always over-ask) so that there is negotiation room to find common ground. Over ask and give in is thte best policy in negotiating. BUT BE READY to end negotiations and be ready to just stick to your private practice. Done this way yo don't have to "lose face" by exploring this option.

3. I would covet the day i get to hire my own people - b/c then I get to make the decision and i nkow what i'm looking for and how i can tell somebody is a good or bad apple. With the old practice you have zero control over that and what if a good person leaves and a bad person replaces them? Now you are being supported and part of your business depends on this bad apple! One of the major advantages is being able to shape your business exactly how you want it and put the exact people you want around you (the characteristics you are looking for). As far as dealing with people that have concerns with you - as a private practice you have control over that by choosing the people you want. Doing your best to assess applicants and what it woudl be like to work with them, how professional they may be, etc. Now of course, some people aren't confident in how they assess people to do hiring/firing... but you must shake off that fear and trust yourself and do your best (just like you had to to even start your own private practice). Lastly, there might be services you can contract this out to (these functions) instead of hring your own staff.

4. Anything is possible in negotiations! If she comes up with a concern and asks, tell her what you just said. "I was listening to my parents and family rather than myself. i realize now i must listen to myself and what feels right to me. And as for me, splitting time between clinics appeals to me and i think is the right way for me."

In the end this is my observation. You really need to stop listening to everybody else - they aren't you. They aren't your practice. Only you know what would make you happy and make your life fulfilling.

Maybe you are happiest not "buldign the business" and just diong what you do (what your occuptaion is) and let others handle the administrative/business side. Maybe that office atmosphere and location is the perfect location and environment for you. being so, it really is just negotiating a better situation/deal for yourself (be it knocking down that 35% fee to something more reasonable and your scheduling and whatver else). Or maybe you are super happy with doing private practice, you just don't have the space exactly that you want in the exact location you want yet. But that's always easily fixable if you stay on your toes and keep building your practice. Maybe making the most money and being the most efficient with your money isnt what makes you happy and the 35% is just fine and you get to focus on jsut waht you need to focus on - no extra work. Great commute and situation,etc.

YOU need to sit down with yourself and ask yourself what would mkae you completely smile and find joy in waking up and going to work every day amongst these options. Then do that! Forget what everybody else says. Trust me on that one.

ABOUT ME: i am doing financially very well. Many of my friends think i'm stinking rich and "how do you do it" but i'm not. i'm doing WELL. I'm just not stinking rich. However, I will admit, i don't always make the soundest of financial decisions in my life. I"ve averaged switching out cars every 2 yrs (and not leasing), i probably spend too much eating out and not cooking at home. I could be more attentive to my investments if i really want to do better. I've taken jobs as contractor and not fte and thus there are a lot of times i'm not contributing to my IRA or 401K because of that. So there are a lot of things (ON PAPER) i could be doing better and more efficiently.

But you know what? I'm enjoying life and doing great. I can still buy real estate as residence in the Bay Area on a single income and have nice residences (not extravagant.. but nice units that when people come in for the first time are like "wow.... nice"). I just bought my dream car and am estatic it worked out (told myself growing up if i ever was able to buy my dream car - that means i made it.. i did it.. i accomplished everything i wanted to) -- well that happened in late August. sure it's not the soundest financial decision i ever made (car is insanely expensive and more than anybody should pay for a car at my income level and that i ever imagined i'd pay for a car ---- but.. its my dream car. it's good for the environment. i'm doing my part to save the planet.. and i LOVE this damned thing and it really enhances my life!). I still own my residence. I just upgraded all the fixtures and appliances in it and LOVE IT! And i still have a very good nest egg of retirement (that i need to grow much more) - but considering what situation most peopel are in - i'm doing well.

Life is awesome. I wouldn't be smiling as much as i am today and in such a great mood all the time (and thus my health has improved greatly) if i were "perfectly sound financially" in every decision i made.

SO. Imagine your life being in such a way that you can't help but smile and realive you get to live it. what does it look like? Does it look like a private practice and you've mastered the business side so its fine? Hired a couple good people to take care of it? Or does it look like going back to the old clinic and just focusing on what you love to focus on - and it's just a matter of negotiating a better deal with the old practice and situation?

Or maybe it's something completely different (a split/dual private plus old practice)?

FIND the version that brings you joy and a smile- then go and get it! Good luck!

i must say that i wasn't always like this and what i can truly say is - when you setup things in your life (in all facets, not just work) where it brings a smile to your face, and its' what you truly enjoy, its' uncanny how things start to FALL IN PLACE for you.

My dating life is 1000% better and i'm going out 2X/week and LOVING IT and having a great time

My career has skyrocketed and I am now doing what i've wanted to do and making what i always dreamed of making

I have a neat home, styled in the way i want it to be (my total "man cave!"). if i were "stuck" with it forever i'd be fine.

And again my dream car (since i spend 3-4 hrs commuting every day... plus it'll be the best road trip car ever!!)

All of this happened in the last year. All because i stopped caring what others think and say is "better" and just did my own thing and the things that make ME happy and bring a smile to my face. (and again. my health is skyrocketed as well and i'm feeling as good as i can ever remember!)

4. I would honestly love this option, but I'm not sure she would go for it anymore based on #2. Also, my friends and family said it would be silly for me to do that when I'm already paying a fixed fee for rent at the other clinic, whether I see clients there or not.

 

At this point, I truly feel like i should have discussed my concerns with her and see what happened. If she was unable to budge on anything, or cutting my hours which I THOUGHT she was doing, but now looking back, I think it was a misunderstanding, I think I would feel better about my decision now. I think eventually I would have left regardless, but I think maybe I am a year or so from that feeling like a comfortable decision, rather than a rushed one. Looking back, I think I wss so rushed because I had found this space, and the owner of that space put the pressure on me saying there were lots of other interested tenants, but now I believe that was not true.

 

Anyway, I'm worried that there isn't a way back to this clinic without looking like a total failure to my clients, friends and family, and the clinic owner. What I really wish I could do is go back in time and have a discussion with her more about all of this, but I can't do that! My lease expires in March, as we only signed a temporary 6 month lease in October, but I'm wondering if I should discuss my concerns with the previous practice owner now and see if she's even open to the idea of me coming back, even on a part time basis?

There are a couple recurring themes that appear to be in conflict with each other:

1. pleasing other people

2. looking good to other people, and

3. actually doing the thing that you would prefer to do.

So far, 1 and 2 are eclipsing 3. Would it not be better to look bad for a little while instead of feel bad for a long while?

Also, I think Richie and DancingFool have given some good advice.

People assume strategy, rather than failure. The failure is what you are telling yourself, so don't.

Also, I think this is a very good way to frame things.

Thank you so, so much everyone for your thoughtful points and questions. I think this is really helping me think this through. I am hoping this feeling goes away, that I am able to focus more on the positives of opening my own practice rather than the negatives of leaving the old one, but I must admit certain days are much harder than others.For instance, today is a particularly cold snowy day. I would love to be working in her large, warm, cozy office rather in the office I have now. That being said, I looked into the financial side of things, and with calculating it out, I will make roughly $40,000 - $50,000 more with my own practice (I forgot to factor in that I've only been working 2 weeks for November and 3 weeks in December). Perhaps if I did manage to go back to the old practice, I would then be upset that I could be making much more money on my own. Maybe my mind is simply so used to regretting something, and it's more about that than it is about truly wishing I had stayed.

Also, thisisrichey, your question about imagining my life the way that I can't help but smile really struck a chord for me. I realized that at this very exact moment in my life, I would like to be at the other office, but that being said, that's right now on a cold snowy day. When I think of my life and the bigger picture of what would make me smile and be happy, it actually isn't at that office. It is branching out, standing on my own two feet, not needing to second guess my decisions and look elsewhere for the answers, and most importantly, I don't invision myself happy in my current city at all. I'm reminded of another big reason I opened up my own practice, so that I could see clients virtually if I were to move abroad, which is what I do truly want to do. I think the only reason I have wavered on this so long is because I know my parents do not want this for me and I have a hard time reconciling making a "selfish" decision.

Thank you DancingFool for pointing this out. I honestly (as silly as it is) did not consider that perhaps I am indecisive because of my mother, not because there is something inherently wrong with the way I think. I think instead I am simply too afraid to voice my opinion loudly without worrying that I will upset or dissapoint her. That part is on me, for sure.

When I really think about all of this, I think a big part of it has to do with fear. But as I tell my clients, fear and excitement are actually very similar emotions, just one framed negatively and one framed positively. I suppose as this is the beginning of my practice, I am missing the comfortability and lack of fear at the old practice. That being said, when I was there, I was antsy and wanting to do more with my skills. I suppose I just need to keep this in mind and rememeber than nothing comes free, nothing good comes without some sacrifice.

As a sort of update, it's just as though I was starting to focus on the positives of my new practice, something interesting happened. I bumped into a colleague of the new office downstairs, and there seems to be other therapists in the office today which automatically makes me feel less alone. I hope this trend continues.

I think the only reason I have wavered on this so long is because I know my parents do not want this for me and I have a hard time reconciling making a "selfish" decision.

Oh, the parental guilt. It's like a curse sometimes.

It looks like you’re really working through all this.

Just take thing one day and a time and believe in yourself.

Stick to your therapy and keep challenging yourself.

To combat the loneliness, is there any way that you can collaborate with any of your peers in terms of offering group sessions, workshops, writing articles, offering something to your community that can promote the practices of all of you?

This could be a combo plate of staying social and marketing, and it could potentially strengthen bonds with some people while staying in loose touch with others.

Head high, we all need to learn through experiences--it's not a spectator sport.