Why do people do this?

I can count numerous times where I’m in bed with a woman, and she tells me that she’s happy I’m there, it feels good, etc.

Me, as a guy, will only say that when it feels like it and I can see it moving forward. Otherwise I’d omit the “glad you’re here” part or not even have her in bed to begin with.

I recently had a minor break up and I’m just having a rough time remembering back to the looks she gave me the nights we spent together. I’m not gonna type it out but she didn’t feel a connection, we became fwb, I wanted to leave for a while, and eventually when I spit it out, she reinforced it.

It was the best break up I’ve ever had. I wish her the best and the benefits were so good and she was even better. I have no regrets but I’m just curious... why say something you don’t mean yet?

Talking in riddles makes it hard to understand what youre asking.

Why say what?

I

I’m in bed with a woman, and she tells me that she’s happy I’m there, it feels good, etc.

 

... why say something you don’t mean yet?

But they do mean it at that particular moment. Words do not hold the same weight/underlying meaning for eveyone. And imo, most people would not think these particular words as "binding". She was feeling happy and felt good that you were there at that moment and she said it. Then the moment passed. You may say it only if you see it moving forward but other people do not see it that way. Some don't even see saying "I Love you" that way. IMO most people do not put as much weight to the words you mention in your post.

Talking in riddles makes it hard to understand what youre asking.

 

Why say what?

Same question here.

OP, what exactly did she say that you think she didn't mean?

Like Clio said we both said everything right in the moments. I just wish they lasted a little longer.

It’s ok though they were great and there are no hard feelings.

Like Clio said we both said everything right in the moments. I just wish they lasted a little longer.

It’s ok though they were great and there are no hard feelings.

OP, you're still being vague: what did she say that you think she shouldn't have?

We can help you more if you are a little clearer in your posts.

I didn't understand the issue very well. But I guess sometimes people say something they mean and feel at that moment but that doesn't bind them or puts them under obligation of feeling the same forever.

I guess it’s just a general observation. For example when I say I miss someone I mean it and not because it sounds nice.

There are never obligations. That’s why it’s ok.

Maybe she was thinking aloud or trying to be nice to you.

I can count numerous times where I’m in bed with a woman, and she tells me that she’s happy I’m there, it feels good, etc.

Me, as a guy, will only say that when it feels like it and I can see it moving forward. Otherwise I’d omit the “glad you’re here” part or not even have her in bed to begin with.

'For example when I say I miss someone I mean it and not because it sounds nice'

It's simple isn't it? Why say 'I miss you' when you don't? Better still, how CAN you say 'I miss you' to someone when you don't? Hell knows. I'll never understand.

I know how you mean this.

Why do people say things they don't mean?

We all do it. Nobody is immune. We all have our reasons.

1. we want the present company to like us, or atleast not hate us

2. a lot of times we say what we think we're supposed to say or the other person wants to hear us say

3. sometimes we just "play along" (could be for tons of reasons, one of which may be - "just going to play along until i can get out of here...")

tons of reasons.

I can count numerous times where I’m in bed with a woman, and she tells me that she’s happy I’m there, it feels good, etc.

Me, as a guy, will only say that when it feels like it and I can see it moving forward. Otherwise I’d omit the “glad you’re here” part or not even have her in bed to begin with.

I recently had a minor break up and I’m just having a rough time remembering back to the looks she gave me the nights we spent together. I’m not gonna type it out but she didn’t feel a connection, we became fwb, I wanted to leave for a while, and eventually when I spit it out, she reinforced it.

It was the best break up I’ve ever had. I wish her the best and the benefits were so good and she was even better. I have no regrets but I’m just curious... why say something you don’t mean yet?

Why assume she was saying something she didn't mean? She probably did mean what she said and may have been taking a risk to say it and was looking to see what your reaction was. As risky as it was for her to be vulnerable, it is also a risk to hold back until you are totally sure where things are going, because it can seem like you aren't interested in an emotional connection.

The other side of this is that some people can indeed be manipulative and say things they don't mean in order to get their way, but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt before assuming they are up to no good.

 

But they do mean it at that particular moment.

I agree with this. People feel and will say things in the moment, then they get home, have a chance to let all marinate in their heads, and realize they weren't quite "feeling it" like they originally thought they were.

It's like when out on a first date, you're having a great time, laughing and such, at the end of the date, he might say "Hey I had a great time, I'll call you"!

Then when he gets home and has a chance to think about it, realizes he and the woman weren't a good fit after all. And never contacts her again -- meanwhile she's thinking he's a lying a$$ for telling her he had a great time, and that he'd call her! lol

When it wasn't that at all -- after thinking it over, he simply changed his mind or realized it wasn't "there" and decided to not pursue.

Women do it too -- I've done it or some version of that. Not in bed cause I don't have casual sex, but I could see that happening.

I understand everything. We spent a great time together for a while. It started off romantically, then she broke off the exclusivity, but still wanted to see me. I feel like I did the right things with her and I genuinely wanted to. That’s why I am genuinely not angry about it. Just a little sad. I wished her the best and we parted on a very high note.

There’s a little background to it as well that happened right before she met me but I don’t regret spending that time together one bit. I’d do it again even if I knew it would end again.

She said she will save my number but who knows what that means. It’s ok. It was an amazing few months!

 

I feel like I did the right things with her and I genuinely wanted to.

Can you explain what these "right" things you did were? Were they conscious choices you made -- to do the "right" thing?

IMO, when two people click and are a good fit, it all flows naturally and organically.

There is no thinking "oh I must do this or I must do that (i.e. the right thing), to hold her interest."

She's either interested or she's not.

I am not saying when a guy acts like a d-bag, she's gonna still be interested, I just find the various things men do in an attempt to hold my interest contrived and disingenuous.

Just be yourself (within reason), let it all flow naturally -- she will either like you or she won't.

Can you explain what these "right" things you did were? Were they conscious choices you made -- to do the "right" thing?

 

IMO, when two people click and are a good fit, it all flows naturally and organically.

 

There is no thinking "oh I must do this or I must do that (i.e. the right thing), to hold her interest."

 

She's either interested or she not.

 

I am not saying when a guy acts like a d-bag, she's gonna still be interested, I just find the various things men do in an attempt to hold my interest contrived and disingenuous.

 

Just be yourself (within reason), she will either like you or she won't.

I hope you’re not implying that I was doing “things” to keep her interested. It wasn’t like one or two actions that I deserve “credit” for

She told me she wanted to feel more towards me but she didn’t and that’s fair. But I wouldn’t take back the way I treated her since I enjoyed doing it.

I guess how I should have worded it is “I did the right thing” because it was an awesome experience.

Honestly I was a little sad when I started this thread because a part of me thinks there were things she said sometimes to keep me interested, but ultimately she was very truthful and so was I while I was in the situation and now that I’m not.

I feel like I would be one of those guys that you talk about if after all this I would list the “things” and try to guilt trip her but I have never been that guy with anyone.

Buddy, you're just sad. And, if I may, something more than sad: you are also angry.

And that's okay.

You wanted it to go a little differently, to stretch out a little longer, for what it all meant for you to mean exactly the same for her. And it just didn't quite get there. Close, for a moment. And then gone. Happens. Hugs.

I'm sure she meant what she said, for all the reasons other people said. She meant it in the moment, and probably even more than that. Still, expressions of affection are not binding contracts. They can expire a second later or never—both, in the realm of romance, are equally valid.

Buddy, you're just sad. And, if I may, something more than sad: you are also angry.

 

And that's okay.

 

You wanted it to go a little differently, to stretch out a little longer, for what it all meant for you to mean exactly the same for her. And it just didn't quite get there. Close, for a moment. And then gone. Happens. Hugs.

 

I'm sure she meant what she said, for all the reasons other people said. She meant it in the moment, and probably even more than that. Still, expressions of affection are not binding contracts. They can expire a second later or never—both, in the realm of romance, are equally valid.

Definitely agree with everything but I’m not angry one bit. Literally not even sometimes. The whole experience was great. I’m just sad it’s over but we talked about it. Everything was there. Communication, openness, etc.

We got along great as friends, amazing sex, what’s there to be angry about?

 

I hope you’re not implying that I was doing “things” to keep her interested.

I actually have no idea which is why I asked.

I was simply responding to what you wrote about doing the "right" things. Your words not mine.

Just curious as to what those things were, I meant no offense.

I actually have no idea which is why I asked.

 

I was simply responding to what you wrote about doing the "right" things. Your words not mine.

 

Just curious as to what those things were, I meant no offense.

None taken!

I was just always raised to do good for others without expecting anything in return.

Something my dad taught me.

I agree though some people do expect and react when it’s not reciprocated. It makes it hard to trust people’s intentions sometimes.

None taken!

I was just always raised to do good for others without expecting anything in return.

Something my dad taught me.

I agree though some people do expect and react when it’s not reciprocated. It makes it hard to trust people’s intentions sometimes.

What are these things?

Expand on your situation.

You keep correcting people for getting the wrong impression, but it wouldn’t happen if you just told us what you’re referencing?

Tell your ego to stand down and tell us what’s bothering you. No more riddles!

You do realize you're being elliptical, right?

Which brings me back to the anger thing. Sorry, but I think you're angry and you don't want to admit it.

You want to be the good guy, the noble guy, and somehow being angry doesn't fit into that self-conception.

But, c'mon, what are we talking about here?

We're talking about laying in bed with someone, after some amazing sex, and that someone puts her hand on your chest, looks into your eyes, and says some really wonderful and lofty things that make you feel like you just swallowed bag of ecstasy.

About the best feeling in the world, isn't it?

Then that same person, in what feels like five minutes later, isn't saying those things any more. Clothes are on, the dewy glint isn't in the eye anymore, and instead of saying anything lofty she's spelling out why it's over.

Which sucks.

And it's hard not to look back at those moments in bed, remembering those proclamations, and thinking: What the F just happened?! What felt so true now feels so false, and you can't help but feel a little tugged around, a little hoodwinked by humanity.

Own it. Because it sucks. You don't need to go immediately into noble mode—because, well, you wouldn't be posting veiled little whispers here about the disappointing nature of people if you weren't a little bit disappointed (and angry) at a certain person. You're making general statements because you don't want to attack someone who hurt you.

She is a great person, I get it. Beautiful and magical and you're genuinely grateful for every second. That's fact. I believe that. A salt shake of anger doesn't negate that fact.

You wanted a few more seconds, and from some of what she said you assumed she did too. But she didn't. And that sucks. Feeling for you.

Am I close to getting at what's between the lines?

You do realize you're being elliptical, right?

 

Which brings me back to the anger thing. Sorry, but I think you're angry and you don't want to admit it.

 

You want to be the good guy, the noble guy, and somehow being angry doesn't fit into that self-conception.

 

But, c'mon, what are we talking about here?

 

We're talking about laying in bed with someone, after some amazing sex, and that someone puts her hand on your chest, looks into your eyes, and says some really wonderful and lofty things that make you feel like you just swallowed bag of ecstasy.

 

About the best feeling in the world, isn't it?

 

Then that same person, in what feels like five minutes later, isn't saying those things any more. Clothes are on, the dewy glint isn't in the eye anymore, and instead of saying anything lofty she's spelling out why it's over.

 

Which sucks.

 

And it's hard not to look back at those moments in bed, remembering those proclamations, and thinking: What the F just happened?! What felt so true now feels so false, and you can't help but feel a little tugged around, a little hoodwinked by humanity.

 

Own it. Because it sucks. You don't need to go immediately into noble mode—because, well, you wouldn't be posting veiled little whispers here about the disappointing nature of people if you weren't a little bit disappointed (and angry) at a certain person. You're making general statements because you don't want to attack someone who hurt you.

 

She is a great person, I get it. Beautiful and magical and you're genuinely grateful for every second. That's fact. I believe that. A salt shake of anger doesn't negate that fact.

 

You wanted a few more seconds, and from some of what she said you assumed she did too. But she didn't. And that sucks. Feeling for you.

 

Am I close to getting at what's between the lines?

Disappointed- maybe

Angry- no

It’s not ego that makes me omit the details. I know it’s bs and won’t happen but if she happens to stumble on this and realize it’s about her, she’ll feel bad. I don’t want that and frankly I don’t think the details matter. The end result is that we’re not doing whatever we were anymore. Could be the out of this world sex I miss or it could be the good kind funny person it was with but the point is it was gonna be over and i knew it and now I’m sad it ended. She knows it too I told her but I never made it awkward.

She had a break up about a month before we met and I think I was just a rebound but screw it I treated her how I wanted to treat her and I don’t have any regrets.

She had said things like she is not sure why she doesn’t feel more and I honestly believe she didn’t want to see me again because it would make things more difficult for both of us not just me. Although now I wonder if it was just me. Either way she was honest about it and cared enough about me to not make it hard on me.

I brought up cutting it off when she said she had a date planned and couldn’t see me. I just made a comment saying I think it’s time, and she agreed (although I did try to get to see her one last time but she didn’t want to). The last time we hung out we went for drinks and to see a movie and of course ended up with another amazing night in bed.

I wished her well, and that was that. I didn’t beg for her to reconsider or to “fix” anything. It was just that she didn’t know why she didn’t want to move forward with me but she didn’t and she’s not.

Bottom line I probably did get attached more than she did but I meant what I said. From how great she is to me not making it hard on her. We’re still as connected as we were to talk to each other but i don’t really want to “talk about it.”

I gave her my all, she didn’t want it, and life goes on. No reason to be angry, but I think it’s ok to be a little sad.

Well of course it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to feel any and all of your emotions.

I honestly got the same read blue did. But that neither here nor there at the end of the day.

Whatever happened ( still don’t know and despite your assertion, multiple responders have made mention of the need to know what the heck you’re talking about so you insisting we don’t need to know, well sue me for thinking your ego is involved) but anyway whatever happened, it’s left you feeling some sort of way and you want to get it out so get it out. Don’t feel bad about that, and if you insist on absolutes just try not to stay here too long.

Why do people do this

Why did she do this

Are two different things.

I gave her my all and she didn’t want it

We dated and I was more invested than she was in the end

Are two different things.

I hope that makes sense.

I’ve been posting on here for years for better or worse. It feels like in every relationship I’ve been in I’ve always tried to find a reason to hold out, be it the woman’s habits, the way she approaches things, down to a physical quality that I may find unattractive. Just one small thing that doesn’t mean much in the big picture, but would make it easier to dwell on when it would “inevitably end.” Maybe it would give me something to fall back on because I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to make it last. That clearly never worked since I’m still here posting about break ups years later. It’s good to talk to people and I appreciate every response.

I told her this once and she asked if I found anything about her that made me have a “fall back.” I told her no and that was the truth. I let myself go with her and maybe that’s why I’m not angry.

I think sexually we both did things we never experienced but more importantly to me she showed me it was ok to let go and be myself. So I treated her how I would treat the woman I like without thinking it would fail. Giving her my best felt great. I think she feels the same way but maybe it wasn’t the right time or I wasn’t the right person. Either way it’s an experience I won’t forget.