Really Confused

So me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2.5 years. It has been half long distance and half with each other.

Over the last few months we have seem to have hit a bit of a wall. We had a conversation the other night about how things have been and I said to him that I feel as though he has been distancing himself from me lately. His reply was that he sometimes misses being single and the excitement of being out on the pull etc. I then gave him an ultimatum and said that he either want's to be single or be with me, he needed to make his mind up. He said that he loved me and still wanted to be with me but ultimately wasn't sure how compatible we were.

I love him immensely but I'm frustrated with always feeling like he's going off me or going to dump me. We had a small argument this evening around the fact that we never have sex. I often ask him to and express that I want to however he always says that he's tired. I asked him tonight about doing it and he said no, and that he certainly won't be doing it tomorrow, the night after or the night after that etc. This has really hurt my feelings. I raised this with him and expressed that I'm not happy with the way things are and I said maybe we should break up. He changed the topic and said goodnight and that he would talk to me tomorrow.

I'm so confused. I love him so much, and I do think he loves me, but we rarely have sex and he's missing the excitement of being single. Whenever I have mentioned breaking up to him he always says that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I'm so conflicted. I'm not happy with how things are at the minute but the thought of breaking up honestly breaks my heart and I can see us being happy if it weren't for this. But at the same time I feel like I repulse him and he doesn't want to be with me at times because of the sex thing.

We still go out and have lovely times together and do enjoy each others company which is why I'm so conflicted.

Any advice will be gladly received. I'm crying as I write this. Please x

I'm sorry you're hurting, but to me this is a no brainer. I would pack my bags and head for the hills and he can be free to live his life as a single guy, but he should NOT think, nor expect, that he can come back whenever he feels like it! I'd send him on his merry way - the sooner the better, but that's just me.

it sounds like to me hes lost sexual attraction for you.

If you're asking for permission to leave him, then you have mine.

Why stay with someone who makes you feel undervalued, unattractive, un-anything? You need more than loving someone to make a relationship work and last a lifetime. Don't waste anymore of your life on someone who isn't making you happy.

We still go out and have lovely times together and do enjoy each others company which is why I'm so conflicted.

it sounds like to me hes lost sexual attraction for you.

I have asked him previously if he has lost sexual attraction for me and he has said no - several times. He said if he didn't find me sexy he clearly wouldn't be with me. Again, why I'm so confused. It hasn't always been like this either, for the first year he was a lot more invested in the relationship than I was but now I really don't know.

If he didnt find me sexy or love me etc and did truly want to be single then i don't get why he didn't want to break up when i asked him :/

i don't get why he didn't want to break up when i asked him :/

Because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. If you break up with him, then it can be "poor him". But if he breaks up with you, then it's "his" fault, his doing.

He's not having sex with you because he doesn't want to. It's not normal for a young, healthy male to not want to have sex. It's just not. Ask any of the men on this forum.

I say, leave him now, and figure out why you've let this loveless, sexless relationship go on for so long.

If he didnt find me sexy or love me etc and did truly want to be single then i don't get why he didn't want to break up when i asked him :/

By staying with him (while being unhappy in doing so) you enable him not to have to change his ways because he keeps you regardless.

If you're asking for permission to leave him, then you have mine.

 

Why stay with someone who makes you feel undervalued, unattractive, un-anything? You need more than loving someone to make a relationship work and last a lifetime. Don't waste anymore of your life on someone who isn't making you happy.

 

You can do that with a good female best friend and you may even find a great guy that makes you feel valued while you're at it.

You have my permission too.

You're clearly not happy in the relationship. Stop worrying about what he wants and realize you can do better! My guess is, he is lining up the next one before he ends things so he doesn't have to be uncomfortable in the interim. Don't let him keep you around, especially when he says f*cked up stuff like that to you, while he gears himself up for the change.

When he was “more invested” than you in the relationship, was that when you were long distance?

How many times a week do you see each other now?

It’s mean for him to say he won’t have sex tonight, or for the next few nights - who says that? How old is he?

You are giving him the power here, letting him tell you his decision. Why aren't you making the best decision you can for yourself? A woman who possesses self worth won't stick around when a guy doesn't feel 100 percent confidence in being with her after a 2 and a half year relationship. A guy who was crazy in love with you couldn't imagine his life without you.

He doesn't care if you walk away, and in fact wants you to, when he tells you he will not have sex with you anytime soon, and gives no reason why, along with telling you he sometimes wishes he were single. I once dated a guy who admitted to treating women like crap so they would do the breaking up when he wanted out. In that way, he said he would avoid the drama of a woman begging and crying. I'm guessing, as another poster suggested, that this is his strategy.

Of course breakups are upsetting and you don't stop caring about and loving a person for sometime, but you will get over him at some point. One day when you meet a guy who is crazy about you, you will then be happy your ex is your ex. Take care.

You sound like roommates. It is time to end this.

I have asked him previously if he has lost sexual attraction for me and he has said no - several times. He said if he didn't find me sexy he clearly wouldn't be with me. Again, why I'm so confused. It hasn't always been like this either, for the first year he was a lot more invested in the relationship than I was but now I really don't know.

 

If he didnt find me sexy or love me etc and did truly want to be single then i don't get why he didn't want to break up when i asked him :/

Because some people like to have the safety and comfort of having someone around until they line up the new person. He probably wishes he was single but at the same time likes the perks of being in a relationship, and so is not detaching completely. Also he might not want to hurt you or "be the bad guy" by breaking up directly with you and is putting the ball in your court.

This has nothing to do with how invested he was in the beginning or you being sexy. Some people's feeling change along the way, and it seems that he's not invested anymore or he wouldn't have said that. Anyway, I rarely have heard stories of men telling their girlfriends they miss being single and all that but want to be with them ending well.

You are giving him the power here, letting him tell you his decision. Why aren't you making the best decision you can for yourself? A woman who possesses self worth won't stick around when a guy doesn't feel 100 percent confidence in being with her after a 2 and a half year relationship. A guy who was crazy in love with you couldn't imagine his life without you.

 

He doesn't care if you walk away, and in fact wants you to, when he tells you he will not have sex with you anytime soon, and gives no reason why, along with telling you he sometimes wishes he were single. I once dated a guy who admitted to treating women like crap so they would do the breaking up when he wanted out. In that way, he said he would avoid the drama of a woman begging and crying. I'm guessing, as another poster suggested, that this is his strategy.

 

Of course breakups are upsetting and you don't stop caring about and loving a person for sometime, but you will get over him at some point. One day when you meet a guy who is crazy about you, you will then be happy your ex is your ex. Take care.

Totally agree with this! ^^^

Sorry to hear this. How often do you see each other? Is he seeing someone else? He wants to be single and has no interest in sex.

we rarely have sex and he's missing the excitement of being single.

I'm sorry, OP. Your relationship is as good as over.

He doesn't want to have sex with you, but he doesn't want to hurt you by coming out and acutally saying that. Believe me, if a young healthy guy wants to have sex, he will. You won't need to ask him to do so, repeatedly.

Now he's telling you he misses being single.

It's only a matter of time before this ends, so I would give yourself the gift of freedom from this draining and unhappy relationship and end it. You don't need his permission to do so. His behaviour is indicating that he isn't invested anymore anyway.

I agree with everybody else on this one. This one is pretty much over (although it may not be "technically" over, it certainly is at a point it isn't going to get BETTER).

My guess on what's going on is this: the LD is an obstacle. He's not handling it well. The relationship in general is not handling it well. This is normal for LD. he's tempted by what he's seeing around him and "wish he had the freedom" to go after what's around him. But he can't because he's in a relationship - one in which is LD and not immediately accessible. This can be frustrating (for the BOTH of you i'm sure - as i'm sure you want more accessibility with him too).

But he's just tempted or has met somebody that tempts him mightily. This is why he's on the fence - he doesn't want to lose you, not ready to break up wtih you, but oh so tempted that having freedom sounds good right about now.

Again this is just normal for LDR's - and why they're so tough and challenging and definitely "trust" is a huge obstacle iN LDR's.

Taht he is vocalizing the wish to be single, free, wants to explore - balks at intimate activity with you - are all signs of "no return" to me in this relationship. If this continues he will probably cheat on you, get it out of his system, then want to come back to you - but now you have to accept a cheating bf. Plus, once one cheats and gets a taste of that and doesn't lose their s/o, the temptation to cheat again becomes stronger ("i got away with it once.. i can get away with it again").

So again. this is not technically over right now. But its' at the point it ain't going to get better and thus it's better to end it and move on.

I'm sorry this didn't work out.