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Thread: Next steps

  1. #81
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    You wrote this in your original post:
    "But I dont want to live a poor life or be the one who is a breadwinner."

    Are you now ok with these things?

  2. #82
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Earning money, being ambitious, being financially responsible and a good character or not mutually exclusive. At 7 mos of dating, this this the observation and having fun getting to know each other stage, not the planning the wedding stage.
    Originally Posted by deedee911
    I could dump him and meet another guy that makes more, but it wouldn't be him. if we choose to get married I will be all in

  3. #83
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    Hi all, I just wanted to provide an update.

    It will be 9 months on the 7th of April. Things are still the same. He is still unemployed and trying to create this website. I get frustrated because he is still struggling with the same challenges he did months ago with his site. He is still looking for work and going for interviews but he told me yesterday it was mainly to get me off his back. His real dream is to start this business, but he is from my perspective so unorganized and it does seem far fetched. I told him to do what he wants and to pursue his dream. He doesnt need to look for a job for me, it's not doing me a favor.

    It's not that I dont think he will be successful. It's just that it will take time for him to get to a place where he is bringing in steady income. I told him I want to start having a family by next year. But I think even that is far fetched because he isnt financial steady for us to even consider getting married or doing anything else.

    I think he has issues with focus. He isnt working now and should have more than enough time to work on his business but all I see is he is spinning his wheels on the design of the website etc. He is still struggling with wording. He hasnt even found customers yet. I feel like he is buying time but ultimately just wasting mine. I know he loves me and doesnt want to lose me. But I feel it's almost unfair to hold on to me while he flounders with his business. Dont know what to do

  4. #84
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    I'm so torn. Because I feel like I'm standing in his way. I dont want to change his plans on my accord and I also dont want to waiver on mine. I'll be 35 next year and my chances of having a child are going down by the year. He is turning 31 and doesnt have the same issues as me.

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  6. #85
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    I had my son when I was 42. Got pregnant naturally, a blessing!! I wish I had had the opportunity to start trying years earlier but I wasn't the right person to find the right person - that was part of it for sure! It was emotionally so stressful to have a high risk pregnancy and I had complications after birth.

    This is not the guy who will be ready for you two to be trying to conceive/married within the year. No judgments -he's just not in that place not even close. You will thank your lucky stars if you have the strength right now to move on - no guarantees you will meet the right person within the right time period but what I do know is you're basically guaranteed of not meeting that person if you're with him. Let him find someone who wants to live on a wing and a prayer. I know of women like that -who stand by their man no matter what -and especially love that Jerry Maguire dynamic - they believe in "the man he's going to be" -and he might get his business off the ground in a couple of years -or not. You don't have that time to waste unless you can afford to freeze your eggs, I guess. It doesn't sound like you respect or admire his dream either.

  7. #86
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by deedee911
    But I feel it's almost unfair to hold on to me while he flounders with his business. Dont know what to do
    Noone can hold onto you without your permission.
    You listed all of his actions or non actions.
    What does the fact that you still remain with someone that you have pretty much decided is wasting your time say about you?
    What kind of man and what kind of relationship do you believe you deserve?

  8. #87
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I had to come back and share a story of a friend who had a bf for 10 years. He always agreed that he wanted the same thing she did, marriage, the house, the kids (of their own) etc. She believed him.

    But whenever it came time to reach a milestone, he had a road block. We can't until - we have this house, have this job, have this amount of money. Though he kept moving the goalposts, she jumped through each one of them. 10 years invested, he made the outrageous request to move 3 states away. Only then would they get married. It meant she moved away from her ailing mom, the only life she knew and separated or left behind 4 kids of different ages.

    The truth was, he never intended on giving her what she wanted. She wasted 10 years until she realized it.

  9. #88
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to decide if you want biological kids. If so, this daydreamer you'll end up supporting, is not your guy. Stop babysitting grown men. If you stay with this guy, it will be just like having a baby... a middle aged baby.
    Originally Posted by deedee911
    I'll be 35 next year and my chances of having a child are going down by the year. He is turning 31 and doesnt have the same issues as me.

  10. #89
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    I tried breaking up with him yesterday he smiled. He asked me calmly why I want to do this and I said it's because I dont think he is serious about being responsible. He said about what happened yesterday? I'm going to throw away what we have because of a misunderstanding? He said that he is still looking for a job but is doing his business on the side. He asked if he would rather have him doing things like drinking with his buddies or watching netflix instead of having a hobbie and a dream.

    The misunderstanding he is referring to happened the night prior. I was applying for a job that pays very high and I looked at him and said wouldn't you like to be making this kind of money? I said that to put more fire under him to get a good job and to stop being distracted by his business which is supposed to be a SIDE thing. I asked him if he seriously even wants a job and he said "no I am just doing this to get you off my back" fast forward to when I tried to break up with him. He told me that he was angry because I was taunting him with the job I was applying for and basically rubbing it in his face that I can make a lot of money so he snapped back. He said he doesnt want a job who does? But he is looking for one anyway. He would rather have his own business. He was upset because he said I've seen how many jobs he has applied for and how many interviews hes went on. He has even turned down a couple offers because it doesnt pay a lot. He said we have a plan and hes not changing that.

    My concern is that he is one of those guys who has all of these ideas that go no where because he is always distracted. He doesnt have good focus and that is a concern for me.

    Ideally, I want a person that has he stuff together now. Not someone who I have to hold on to a wing and a prayer that he will do well in life. I have anxiety disorder. And this has really triggered my anxiety. That's why I told him I'm not the right person for him. I need more assurance.

    The reality is there is no assurance in life. I could break up with him and find a guy with a great job but the hang up there could be that he is emotionally unavailable or works so much that he doesnt have time for me. There is always a trade off. And the only way I'll know for sure if this is all my fears or reality is time.
    But my concern is I dont want to invest time if it leads to a negative outcome. But if i dont give it time i could become a serial dater which I dont want to be...

  11. #90
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're dating. Stop trying to fix, change and micromanage him. That is true for any dating/relationship situation. What you see is what you get.
    Originally Posted by deedee911
    I looked at him and said wouldn't you like to be making this kind of money?
    he said "no I am just doing this to get you off my back"
    I want a person that has he stuff together now.

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