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Thread: Next steps

  1. #21
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    These are all great points.

    I think what it comes down to and why I am at a crossroads is because of an earlier point that was made ambition. In this life, to survive, we need ambition. No cancel that - we can survive without ambition, but to thrive in life is done with ambition.

    I dont want a millionaire. Heck I dont even care to be rich. What I know is I pushed myself against all odds to be where I am today. I have a colorful past that would have lead me down a very different past. So, I didnt have anything handed to me. I worked very hard to be where i am. And the earlier comment was do I see myself doing business with him. That made me stop and think. He isn't a go getter like I am and he knows it. Hell I know it.

    In the early days when we started dating i thought he had a good job because it sounded good on paper. When I started asking more questions I discovered that he was at a dead end job that paid him as much as I got paid in my early 20s. He said it was a small business and it was good so show staying power to be with a company for 4 years and a good learning opportunity. I asked what his plan was in tears because I was shocked and at that very moment I knew this would be an issue for me but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. He said he was planning on starting a business and was staying at this job also because it was menial and he could work it on auto pilot so he could focus on his business. Where is that business now? Ha! It was a pipe dream. He sold me on a pipe dream and now 7 months later I look back and think I fell for it. Not like he was lying . But now I feel disenchanted. That he told me something and I held on to it. I wouldn't have gone for him had it not been for that business. Now he is looking for a job. Sales jobs whatever that pays a higher salary because he knows I deserve better and that he wants to provide a good life for us.

    Despite all of this, he has never taken advantage of my financially. He has always been equal and in fact tried to give me as much as possible to make me feel special. But, is he buying time? He has nothing to lose he is 30. I'm 33 and the truth is my prospects for getting married and having children is going down by the year. It's a fact. He has that over me. He could be 35 and meet someone 30 and start a life just fine. I'm the one who needs to make the choice and is he worth the risk? Well that's what I'm trying to figure out. Who is worth the risk? I could meet someone with ambition and he could get hit by a bus.

    He is loyal. And that's his best quality.

  2. #22
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    I think you need to get away from the broad generalities about "thriving in life" and what is required to do so. Just get extremely nitty gritty and specific with yourself about what you want in a partner. It doesn't matter if it's consistent with anyone else's vision. I started dating my husband (again, we dated in our late 20s) when I turned 39 and he was 38. That's when I became the right person to find the right person. I love his ambition and passion and it came with downsides - I knew I'd have to relocate because of his job, I knew he'd travel regularly and work long hours leaving me to solo parent a lot in a city where we have no family. (I had our son shortly after we married when I was 42).

    I also didn't get any easy breaks to get where I was and on our first date about 23 years ago the first question he asked me was why I chose the job I did (same job as his back then) -it was really important to him that his future spouse have that kind of ambition/passion for her work even though he was totally into me being home full time with our son. Those are the values I wanted and don't apologize for your standards and values. And if you're with someone with similar ambition/work ethic then even if they switch jobs/careers (as my husband did/huge paycut) you can trust that they are acting responsibly and reliably. Also my strong suggestion is -sock away $ now in case you want to be home full time with a child -that way if your ambitious husband is not a millionaire or even close you can still supplement the family income from your savings.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Differing values about money and worth ethic will tear a marriage apart.
    Don't underestimate this.
    Your fear of scarcity is driving this show. You seem to think this is your last chance and are trying to talk yourself into settling?
    Don't do it.

  4. #24
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    Okay so in the end we have a history here with him. He's one of these "rockstar wannabees" and always aspires to rock-star like ambitions, but is unwilling to do the hard work and grind to get there. This is who he is.
    So the ball is back in your court.

    1. Can you accept him as he is - a pipe dreamer who will always think big but work small and probably never achieve anything? Are you able to be the breadwinner and potentially fund some of his pipe dreams with no results and still be happy/loving with him?
    2. Or is this a deal breaker and you truly need a bread-winning partner? Or atleast somebody you don't have to worry about work ethic/financial wise (and maybe you may still have to be the bread winner?)

    Some reality check for you. The #1 reason people split and marriages end? Financial.
    The decision is yours.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Metaltwin70
    '..Then why don't you do something you enjoy? '

    Because I'm too old to start from scratch, have been doing the same old thing for the last 25 years and have to feed and clothe myself and keep a roof above my head?

    I'd give anything to be able to quit my job, to quit working all together. I have no ambition whatsoever and given a choice would absolutely NOT work - there isn't anything that I'd 'enjoy' doing for work. That's why I get where he's coming from and that's why I find it unbelievable that this is even an issue. All I've ever wanted in life is for a man I'm with to share all expenses equally. What they do, to me, has nothing whatsoever to do with what they are. He can be a bin man for all I care. As long as he's a kind and decent human being, as long as I love him - truly love him, as long as he loves me back just as much and as long as we share all expenses.
    You could return to school. I did at 40 and got another degree- still take the occasional class. Many have returned to school for this very reason. You are never too old.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Metaltwin70
    I'm hugely put off by very ambitious people who are 'passionate' about what they do for work. To me, work is something that you do in order to be able to feed and clothe yourself, keep a roof above your head plus enjoy what little time you have left to actually live - in the evenings and during weekends/holidays. God knows I hate working with passion and would be gone from my place of work yesterday if my financial situation changed for the better. I just find it very hard to justify passing up a good person whom you love and who loves you back because he doesn't have ambition/ this mega job that's his reason for being on the planet.To each their own.
    On a scale of 1 to 10, there's an awful lot of real estate between someone who leapfrogs between minimum wage jobs versus someone who's manic about their career. Somewhere on that scale is balance, and if your own goal is to retire reasonably early from a job that you hate, then it would make no sense to invest in a lover who can never retire with you as a life partner.

  8. #27
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    OP, do you respect him?

  9. #28
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    Do I respect him? I respect the man he is, and I know he is working hard to find a new job that pays better. Or at least that's what he says. As we dont live together, I cant see what he is doing all day.

    What I do know is he has started all of these business in the past that went no where. He has these big dreams that amount to nothing. But I look back to when I was 28 I was unemployed- just returned from travelling abroad and was in major debt. In 4.5 years I found a good job, paid off my debt and bought a place (previously I was living with my parents). I think anyone could have looked at me and thought I wouldn't amount to much after all I didnt have much to show for but part time jobs and a university education. I say look at me now. And i never forget those "haters" that didn't believe in me back then. I'm doing much better off than them. Not that it is a competition, but it just went to show how much can change in a few years.

    On one hand, I think we are still independent. I can have him as a partner and I'd still have my career and he would have his. Even if I married a rich guy I wouldn't stop working. But I think it comes down to trust. Do I trust that he does have ambition and this isn't all talk. That's where I am stuck.

    I do know that my attraction is dwindling for him and that isnt fair for him. I notice myself getting short with him and not desiring to be sexually intimate with him as much...

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You could return to school. I did at 40 and got another degree- still take the occasional class. Many have returned to school for this very reason. You are never too old.
    I returned in my mid 20s and my husband in his late 20s and now as well (in his early 50s). I might return later in life too for another degree. I don't relate to people who have no ambition to work or do something that doesn't pay but that they are skilled at and reflects their passion -like volunteer work or a form of art. Certainly if it was the latter I still would have needed him to have a source of income that provided for financial stability but unlike Metalwin "kind and decent" human being is essential of course but for me respect and admiration is essential in addition to love and I wouldn't have that for a life partner who lacked ambition or a strong work ethic (again whether for something paid or unpaid -given financial stability). My grandfather owned a small business doing manual labor and hadn't gone to college - both of his children went to college and in one case, beyond. My grandfather had a really strong work ethic and was ambitious to provide for his family and for his children to get the education he did not have the opportunity to get. Sounds like the OP feels the same when it comes to a life partner and I can relate.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Perhaps reflect on this since in the end it's more important.
    Originally Posted by deedee911
    I do know that my attraction is dwindling for him and that isnt fair for him. I notice myself getting short with him and not desiring to be sexually intimate with him as much...

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