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I've been in a relationship now with someone for 7 months and I've hit a bit of a crossroads. I do love him but I'm feeling doubt. He is currently unemployed and before that he was working a dead end job that paid almost minimum wage. He does have a university degree and is 3 years younger than me (he is 30 and I'm 33). I have a good job, I am doing well financially, i have no debt and own my own place. He lives in an apartment sharing it with his younger brother and his brothers girlfriend. I feel very turned off by him at the moment.

 

On the other side, he is very loyal, loving, emotionally secure, and loves me a lot. He gives me security emotionally and I feel safe in our relationship. He is very funny and always makes things fun.

 

But with all of this being said. I dont know if I want to move forward.i dont know what to do. I want to get married and I know he wants to marry me. But I dont want to live a poor life or be the one who is a breadwinner. Ideas?

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What does his prior life history look like? Is there a pattern of this or a just a streak of bad luck?

 

You need to choose your partner carefully. Sure there is attraction and intimacy, but set the emotional stuff aside and think logically.

 

Is this someone would partner a business with? Because a marriage and family is in some ways like running a business.

Do you have similar values in regards to finances, work ethic, etc? Because when all the warm fuzzy stuff wears off, this is what you are left with.

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I don't get why you'd keep dating him after discovering he had a "dead end job" you obviously hold to little regard. A lot of people willingly take on a cashier, server, or whomever as a partner with the accepted notion they'd end up being the caregiver / stay-at-home. That's quite obviously not something you'd consider, and that's fair enough.. But it's perplexing why you'd choose to keep seeing a guy working minimum wage when you admonish the idea of being the breadwinner.

 

Dump him. In the future, do so before you've got time served as a bad excuse to disrespect your partner for the sake of not asserting your own standards.

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Have you talked to him about this?

 

What is his degree in? Was his job at all related to his degree? What kinds of jobs is he looking for now? What is his ultimate vision or plan? Is it realistic or feasible?

 

Btw - for most couples that I can think of, the “breadwinner” has often flipped back and forth a few times. One person makes more, then the other gets a big promotion or changes things and the other makes more, etc. It’s not usually static unless there is a major disparity in income (ie: double or something).

 

To me, ambition and a feasible plan of attack would be more important to me than current status.

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The thing is time. Do I wait to find out if he does have ambition or do I move on and find someone else? The thing is I know I am not perfect. And if I give him up I may find someone who has a great job but has some other hang up. Then I may end up looking for the perfect someone that doesnt exist.

 

He is not some moocher btw without a job. He does equally contribute as he does have savings and no debt.

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He has already shown you that he does not have ambition. You should never expect people to change. it is not fair. The dude is 30, not 22.

 

You knew who this guy was, I do not understand why you got involved?

 

What is his degree and why isn't he working in the field?

 

How did he save if he was making minimum wage?

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He has a degree in economics. He said the reason why he was at that dead end job that paid him close to minimum wage was for experience. He quit a few weeks ago to look for new work.

 

The reason why I didnt leave are the time was because he said he was starting a company which I thought to be a real deal but ended up turning out to be a pipe dream.

 

He saved because he was very frivolous with things and lived in cheap accommodations. He also had his schooling paid for by his parents. That's why he has no debt

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Sorry this is happening but it may be time to end things. It appears the bad is starting to outweigh the good. After 7 mos, the rosy glow wears off and you begin to see incompatibilities like this and resents grows as infatuation wears off.

 

Do not become his sugar mama just because you desperately want to marry someone. In this case it's best to cut your losses and move forward to someone in your own age group, income level and level of ambition, independence, etc.

 

This resentment and understandable disenchantment will just keep growing and would be magnified 1000x if you got married and had to take care of him.. So the next steps would be to walk away and find a more appropriate match.

-7 months

-He is currently unemployed

-3 years younger than me

-He lives in an apartment sharing it with his younger brother and his brothers girlfriend.

-I feel very turned off by him at the moment.

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It's hard to discern if he has ambition or not

 

You would know this in seven months. He would be talking about his future and what he was going to do with it.

 

What job that is related to economics pays minimum wage? How long did he have the job? What work did he do prior? he is 30, he should have something in his background.

 

He behaves very irresponsibly for his age. Also, it is concerning he quit a job, without having another.

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Agree. He's way behind the curve as far as ambition goes. Does he have drug, alcohol or mental problems? At 30 years old he's unemployed and lives with roommates. At 30 most people are at the top of their game and hitting their stride. That means they are doing what they are trained to do professionally, have their own place either ownership or a decent apt. and are moving forward not backward after an education.

You would know this in seven months. He behaves very irresponsibly for his age. Also, it is concerning he quit a job, without having another.
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'Do I wait to find out if he does have ambition or do I move on and find someone else? The thing is I know I am not perfect. And if I give him up I may find someone who has a great job but has some other hang up. Then I may end up looking for the perfect someone that doesnt exist.

 

He is not some moocher btw without a job. He does equally contribute as he does have savings and no debt.'

 

______________

 

So to sum it up, you've got a decent bloke who loves you and whom you love back. He has a degree. He works (no, I don't care what he does or how much he gets paid. He works). He's not mooching off you. He is looking for a better higher paid job. He has savings and no debt. Remind me again what the problem is? Sure you can break up with him, it's your life; go in search of an alpha over-achiever who's made his first million by the time he's 30....I do not get his mentality, sorry. Why? What would be so wrong with being equal partners in life?

 

Does anyone on this planet care about love anymore? Or is it all about the job, the house, the car and ability to provide?

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We're each entitled to our own list of things that are important to us, and it makes no sense to latch onto a bad match in the hope that they'll transform themselves into a good match.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. If you don't grasp that this is true for everyone, you'll allow fear of scarcity to drive your decisions--and that's how people settle for lousy matches just to avoid being alone.

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We're each entitled to our own list of things that are important to us, and it makes no sense to latch onto a bad match in the hope that they'll transform themselves into a good match.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. If you don't grasp that this is true for everyone, you'll allow fear of scarcity to drive your decisions--and that's how people settle for lousy matches just to avoid being alone.

 

I agree. You want someone who matches you well in ambition and goals and work ethic. So did I by the way and I passed up nice/loyal people who didn't. Nothing to do with $$ - had to do with financial stability as a goal, being ambitious about his work, being well-educated and having career/professional goals. It's not about being a millionaire - if he was an esteemed professor or working in a nonprofit and passionate about his work or at least working towards what would satisfy him in his work (or working at a job to pay the bills but pursuing a hobby/activity that provided that and that you admired/respected) it would be different. You need to have respect and admiration for your partner.

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I'm hugely put off by very ambitious people who are 'passionate' about what they do for work. To me, work is something that you do in order to be able to feed and clothe yourself, keep a roof above your head plus enjoy what little time you have left to actually live - in the evenings and during weekends/holidays. God knows I hate working with passion and would be gone from my place of work yesterday if my financial situation changed for the better. I just find it very hard to justify passing up a good person whom you love and who loves you back because he doesn't have ambition/ this mega job that's his reason for being on the planet.To each their own.

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'Do I wait to find out if he does have ambition or do I move on and find someone else? The thing is I know I am not perfect. And if I give him up I may find someone who has a great job but has some other hang up. Then I may end up looking for the perfect someone that doesnt exist.

 

He is not some moocher btw without a job. He does equally contribute as he does have savings and no debt.'

 

 

 

______________

 

So to sum it up, you've got a decent bloke who loves you and whom you love back. He has a degree. He works (no, I don't care what he does or how much he gets paid. He works). He's not mooching off you. He is looking for a better higher paid job. He has savings and no debt. Remind me again what the problem is? Sure you can break up with him, it's your life; go in search of an alpha over-achiever who's made his first million by the time he's 30....I do not get his mentality, sorry. Why? What would be so wrong with being equal partners in life?

 

Does anyone on this planet care about love anymore? Or is it all about the job, the house, the car and ability to provide?

 

Where did she say he was looking for a better job? Love does not pay the bills, unless she chooses to support him.This is reality.

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I'm hugely put off by very ambitious people who are 'passionate' about what they do for work. To me, work is something that you do in order to be able to feed and clothe yourself, keep a roof above your head plus enjoy what little time you have left to actually live - in the evenings and during weekends/holidays. God knows I hate working with passion and would be gone from my place of work yesterday if my financial situation changed for the better. I just find it very hard to justify passing up a good person whom you love and who loves you back because he doesn't have ambition/ this mega job that's his reason for being on the planet.To each their own.

Then why don't you do something you enjoy?

 

He quit the dead end job because he hated it. Not very responsible to leave a job without another prospect.

 

"I'm hugely put off by very ambitious people who are 'passionate' about what they do for work." This is an odd comment. What is your job?

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'..Then why don't you do something you enjoy? '

 

Because I'm too old to start from scratch, have been doing the same old thing for the last 25 years and have to feed and clothe myself and keep a roof above my head?

 

I'd give anything to be able to quit my job, to quit working all together. I have no ambition whatsoever and given a choice would absolutely NOT work - there isn't anything that I'd 'enjoy' doing for work. That's why I get where he's coming from and that's why I find it unbelievable that this is even an issue. All I've ever wanted in life is for a man I'm with to share all expenses equally. What they do, to me, has nothing whatsoever to do with what they are. He can be a bin man for all I care. As long as he's a kind and decent human being, as long as I love him - truly love him, as long as he loves me back just as much and as long as we share all expenses.

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It's not odd to me at all. I have a 'very good on paper' responsible, secure and adequately paid office job which means nothing whatsoever to me - I've been with my (global multinational) company for over 8 years and leaving is not an option, sadly. As far as I'm concerned, living to work is a waste of life. I'm surrounded by massively ambitious six-figure earning go-getters 9 to 5, every day and honestly.. I just do not get them, I do not get why one would choose to bust their behind all day every day so that they could have a bigger house or a better car or a fancy job title. As I said, to each their own.

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These are all great points.

 

I think what it comes down to and why I am at a crossroads is because of an earlier point that was made ambition. In this life, to survive, we need ambition. No cancel that - we can survive without ambition, but to thrive in life is done with ambition.

 

I dont want a millionaire. Heck I dont even care to be rich. What I know is I pushed myself against all odds to be where I am today. I have a colorful past that would have lead me down a very different past. So, I didnt have anything handed to me. I worked very hard to be where i am. And the earlier comment was do I see myself doing business with him. That made me stop and think. He isn't a go getter like I am and he knows it. Hell I know it.

 

In the early days when we started dating i thought he had a good job because it sounded good on paper. When I started asking more questions I discovered that he was at a dead end job that paid him as much as I got paid in my early 20s. He said it was a small business and it was good so show staying power to be with a company for 4 years and a good learning opportunity. I asked what his plan was in tears because I was shocked and at that very moment I knew this would be an issue for me but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. He said he was planning on starting a business and was staying at this job also because it was menial and he could work it on auto pilot so he could focus on his business. Where is that business now? Ha! It was a pipe dream. He sold me on a pipe dream and now 7 months later I look back and think I fell for it. Not like he was lying . But now I feel disenchanted. That he told me something and I held on to it. I wouldn't have gone for him had it not been for that business. Now he is looking for a job. Sales jobs whatever that pays a higher salary because he knows I deserve better and that he wants to provide a good life for us.

 

Despite all of this, he has never taken advantage of my financially. He has always been equal and in fact tried to give me as much as possible to make me feel special. But, is he buying time? He has nothing to lose he is 30. I'm 33 and the truth is my prospects for getting married and having children is going down by the year. It's a fact. He has that over me. He could be 35 and meet someone 30 and start a life just fine. I'm the one who needs to make the choice and is he worth the risk? Well that's what I'm trying to figure out. Who is worth the risk? I could meet someone with ambition and he could get hit by a bus.

 

He is loyal. And that's his best quality.

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I think you need to get away from the broad generalities about "thriving in life" and what is required to do so. Just get extremely nitty gritty and specific with yourself about what you want in a partner. It doesn't matter if it's consistent with anyone else's vision. I started dating my husband (again, we dated in our late 20s) when I turned 39 and he was 38. That's when I became the right person to find the right person. I love his ambition and passion and it came with downsides - I knew I'd have to relocate because of his job, I knew he'd travel regularly and work long hours leaving me to solo parent a lot in a city where we have no family. (I had our son shortly after we married when I was 42).

 

I also didn't get any easy breaks to get where I was and on our first date about 23 years ago the first question he asked me was why I chose the job I did (same job as his back then) -it was really important to him that his future spouse have that kind of ambition/passion for her work even though he was totally into me being home full time with our son. Those are the values I wanted and don't apologize for your standards and values. And if you're with someone with similar ambition/work ethic then even if they switch jobs/careers (as my husband did/huge paycut) you can trust that they are acting responsibly and reliably. Also my strong suggestion is -sock away $ now in case you want to be home full time with a child -that way if your ambitious husband is not a millionaire or even close you can still supplement the family income from your savings.

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Okay so in the end we have a history here with him. He's one of these "rockstar wannabees" and always aspires to rock-star like ambitions, but is unwilling to do the hard work and grind to get there. This is who he is.

So the ball is back in your court.

 

1. Can you accept him as he is - a pipe dreamer who will always think big but work small and probably never achieve anything? Are you able to be the breadwinner and potentially fund some of his pipe dreams with no results and still be happy/loving with him?

2. Or is this a deal breaker and you truly need a bread-winning partner? Or atleast somebody you don't have to worry about work ethic/financial wise (and maybe you may still have to be the bread winner?)

 

Some reality check for you. The #1 reason people split and marriages end? Financial.

The decision is yours.

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'..Then why don't you do something you enjoy? '

 

Because I'm too old to start from scratch, have been doing the same old thing for the last 25 years and have to feed and clothe myself and keep a roof above my head?

 

I'd give anything to be able to quit my job, to quit working all together. I have no ambition whatsoever and given a choice would absolutely NOT work - there isn't anything that I'd 'enjoy' doing for work. That's why I get where he's coming from and that's why I find it unbelievable that this is even an issue. All I've ever wanted in life is for a man I'm with to share all expenses equally. What they do, to me, has nothing whatsoever to do with what they are. He can be a bin man for all I care. As long as he's a kind and decent human being, as long as I love him - truly love him, as long as he loves me back just as much and as long as we share all expenses.

 

You could return to school. I did at 40 and got another degree- still take the occasional class. Many have returned to school for this very reason. You are never too old.

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