Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 15 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 150

Thread: Next steps

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    247

    Next steps

    I've been in a relationship now with someone for 7 months and I've hit a bit of a crossroads. I do love him but I'm feeling doubt. He is currently unemployed and before that he was working a dead end job that paid almost minimum wage. He does have a university degree and is 3 years younger than me (he is 30 and I'm 33). I have a good job, I am doing well financially, i have no debt and own my own place. He lives in an apartment sharing it with his younger brother and his brothers girlfriend. I feel very turned off by him at the moment.

    On the other side, he is very loyal, loving, emotionally secure, and loves me a lot. He gives me security emotionally and I feel safe in our relationship. He is very funny and always makes things fun.

    But with all of this being said. I dont know if I want to move forward.i dont know what to do. I want to get married and I know he wants to marry me. But I dont want to live a poor life or be the one who is a breadwinner. Ideas?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,599
    Gender
    Female
    What does his prior life history look like? Is there a pattern of this or a just a streak of bad luck?

    You need to choose your partner carefully. Sure there is attraction and intimacy, but set the emotional stuff aside and think logically.

    Is this someone would partner a business with? Because a marriage and family is in some ways like running a business.
    Do you have similar values in regards to finances, work ethic, etc? Because when all the warm fuzzy stuff wears off, this is what you are left with.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,202
    I don't get why you'd keep dating him after discovering he had a "dead end job" you obviously hold to little regard. A lot of people willingly take on a cashier, server, or whomever as a partner with the accepted notion they'd end up being the caregiver / stay-at-home. That's quite obviously not something you'd consider, and that's fair enough.. But it's perplexing why you'd choose to keep seeing a guy working minimum wage when you admonish the idea of being the breadwinner.

    Dump him. In the future, do so before you've got time served as a bad excuse to disrespect your partner for the sake of not asserting your own standards.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    6,236
    Gender
    Female
    Have you talked to him about this?

    What is his degree in? Was his job at all related to his degree? What kinds of jobs is he looking for now? What is his ultimate vision or plan? Is it realistic or feasible?

    Btw - for most couples that I can think of, the “breadwinner” has often flipped back and forth a few times. One person makes more, then the other gets a big promotion or changes things and the other makes more, etc. It’s not usually static unless there is a major disparity in income (ie: double or something).

    To me, ambition and a feasible plan of attack would be more important to me than current status.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    19,679
    You need to move on and find someone who is more compatible. You will be supporting this guy, if you do not want to be the breadwinner, then he is not the one.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    247
    The thing is time. Do I wait to find out if he does have ambition or do I move on and find someone else? The thing is I know I am not perfect. And if I give him up I may find someone who has a great job but has some other hang up. Then I may end up looking for the perfect someone that doesnt exist.

    He is not some moocher btw without a job. He does equally contribute as he does have savings and no debt.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    19,679
    He has already shown you that he does not have ambition. You should never expect people to change. it is not fair. The dude is 30, not 22.

    You knew who this guy was, I do not understand why you got involved?

    What is his degree and why isn't he working in the field?

    How did he save if he was making minimum wage?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-17-2019 at 12:37 AM.

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    247
    He has a degree in economics. He said the reason why he was at that dead end job that paid him close to minimum wage was for experience. He quit a few weeks ago to look for new work.

    The reason why I didnt leave are the time was because he said he was starting a company which I thought to be a real deal but ended up turning out to be a pipe dream.

    He saved because he was very frivolous with things and lived in cheap accommodations. He also had his schooling paid for by his parents. That's why he has no debt

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    247
    It's hard to discern if he has ambition or not

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    32,345
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry this is happening but it may be time to end things. It appears the bad is starting to outweigh the good. After 7 mos, the rosy glow wears off and you begin to see incompatibilities like this and resents grows as infatuation wears off.

    Do not become his sugar mama just because you desperately want to marry someone. In this case it's best to cut your losses and move forward to someone in your own age group, income level and level of ambition, independence, etc.

    This resentment and understandable disenchantment will just keep growing and would be magnified 1000x if you got married and had to take care of him.. So the next steps would be to walk away and find a more appropriate match.
    Originally Posted by deedee911
    -7 months
    -He is currently unemployed
    -3 years younger than me
    -He lives in an apartment sharing it with his younger brother and his brothers girlfriend.
    -I feel very turned off by him at the moment.

Page 1 of 15 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •