He’s not “happy”.

Partner isn’t happy. Well ex partner. He ended things because he isn’t happy in himself. He says he needs to find his happiness while he’s not in a relationship. He says he loves me and wants to get back together one day but he doesn’t know when. I love him so much and will wait a lifetime for him to find his happiness.

How do I fast track this process and make him realise what he’s lost and that all he needs is me to love him.

Help!

Partner isn’t happy. Well ex partner. He ended things because he isn’t happy in himself. He says he needs to find his happiness while he’s not in a relationship. He says he loves me and wants to get back together one day but he doesn’t know when. I love him so much and will wait a lifetime for him to find his happiness.

How do I fast track this process and make him realise what he’s lost and that all he needs is me to love him.

 

Help!

The best way to show him that you care is to honor his request and leave him alone to figure things out.

It's probably not what you want to hear, but trying any sort of mental or emotional gymnastics to get back a man who just bailed out, is a really bad idea.

He'll appreciate you more if you have the self respect to walk away and take care of yourself.

Change that `I'll wait for him forever' mentality because when people make that ultimate decision to end a relationship, it tells you that he is willing to risk losing you altogether. If he was invested in any way, he wouldn't risk losing you.

I am sorry.

Yeah, I personally think telling someone you want to get back together "someday" when you're, in the present moment, stomping on said person's heart and leaving them is a totally f*cked thing to do and an indication that this person does not care as much as you do. Additionally, it's a sign he does not want you to live a happy and full life without him. He wants you to wait around and make your life about him, so he can feel comfy cozy certain that you're not going anywhere while he moves on.

I know it's terrible to hear this, but when people break up, they don't do it so they can reverse the decision. He doesn't need "help" to see that you are what makes him happy, and anyone who needs to be convinced of your worth isn't worth much at all. Take it from me. I've gotten back every man who ever dumped me, and if I could change one thing about my life, it's that I would have let every one of them walk the first time that they did. You think he's not committed now? Wait until he sees how willing you are to sacrifice your self-respect for a half or even a quarter relationship! You WILL regret sticking around if you don't heed the lovely advice of the people on this forum. Do what you need to do to realize that you're worth more so you don't put yourself through this extremely painful experience!

^^ well said !

1. I am sorry this is happening.

2. You can not fast track his process and any input, contact, or influence you try to have will hinder his process. It is HIS process.

3. Do. Not. Wait. Love is love, I get it. When he is ready to be in a relationship, which could be tomorrow or in 5 years, he will be a different person. If you wait, you are choosing to wait for an unknown quantity. That is not logical. You may as well wait for someone you've never met, if you are going to wait. Get what you want.

4. Focus on you. Who you are impacts who you attract and retain. Love will come to you when you are ready to receive it. Trust in that.

How do I fast track this process and make him realise what he’s lost and that all he needs is me to love him.

You can't. He has made up his mind. Made his choice. Right now there's nothing you can do to change his mind. He clearly needs time for whatever it is he is looking for and leaving you "on hold" is unfair.

You need to live your life and move on.

You all say he’s made his mind up but he just wants to be happy. Not once has he said he doesn’t love me and he keeps saying end goal is for us to be together in the end. Could be a few weeks could be a few months.

Like I said I’m not willing to lose someone when there could be a chance of us getting back together!

We have a lot of debt together also and just brought a car together, have a house and everything. Plans for the future. A concert to go to next month which was for our anniversary. Can’t just throw it all away!

He is invested in me. Just wants to find his happiness before he can focus on me. End goal is us being together down the track.

He is invested in me. Just wants to find his happiness before he can focus on me.

Maybe it's just me, but I find the above rather contradictory. You'd think if he was that invested in you, and loved you, then he would be happy! I must be missing something...

OP, let me ask you something: You say you love him, right? You are equally invested. Are YOU happy? If not, why not?

His happiness and his relationship with you are two different things. Why can't he find his happiness while participating in a relationship if he so invested in you?

Why are you the one thing he's willing to risk losing?

It just doesn't add up.

Look, if you are so confident you will be together than you wouldn't be here asking how to make this go away.

You all say he’s made his mind up but he just wants to be happy. Not once has he said he doesn’t love me and he keeps saying end goal is for us to be together in the end. Could be a few weeks could be a few months.

Like I said I’m not willing to lose someone when there could be a chance of us getting back together!

We have a lot of debt together also and just brought a car together, have a house and everything. Plans for the future. A concert to go to next month which was for our anniversary. Can’t just throw it all away!

I'm not sure why you came to the forum for advice. No one here is going to delude you or lead you down a path of chasing after someone who has discarded you.

The definition of someone ending a relationship is them no longer being invested in a future with you. Even if his goal is to f*ck some random women or have a relationship with someone else and come back, why would you ever accept that?

Denial is protective. Sometimes information is so brutal the brain shuts it out entirely because processing the information is too detrimental or painful to be beneficial. I believe that you are going to do as you please and that eventually you will see the truth in the advice that has been given. I only hope that your experiences are less traumatic than mine were.

Oh, and for the record he already threw it all away, so you really don't have any impact there.

I'll be blunt. Are you a priority in his life?

Sure, you have some mutual debt / assets. Still, he decided to break up with you. I recommend you read the book "It's not you, it's me." if you haven't already.

Honestly, you're worth it and you deserve to be treated with much more respect.

My husband started with "looking for his happiness" too. Ended up cheating on me.

Like others already said you CAN find your happiness while in the relationship with someone, unless "your happiness" is f**ing around.

I found mine while being married. I started my business, and having someone who I loved next to me during that process actually pushed me to keep on going while I wanted to give up, and absolutely did not distract me from finding my happiness.

I know how hard this is, OP, and I'm sorry for your pain.

Look, regardless of the reasons, a lot of people break up with people hoping to get back together. To voice that while breaking up with someone, however, is just selfish.

I don't say that berate him, or minimize his feelings, but it is selfish. You get one or the other. You don't get both.

We are constantly adding and subtracting from our lives to find stability and happiness. Changing jobs, changing cities. Little rolls of the dice. Sometimes we decide to subtract a person, which is what he's done. He's deiced that "happiness" and "being with you" can't coexist. You have to accept that, with clear eyes, and make sure cultivate your own happiness in this new space.

If you get back together it's not going to be because you waited in a frozen state of despair while he evolved. It's because you accepted this chapter and continued evolving on your own. I know you don't want to hear that. But it's the truth.

Do not ever wait on someone to choose you.

If he loved you, he would be with you. I think it is awful for him to give you the "someday" crap. What an azzhole!

You must cut all contact and block this dude. He will screw with your heart, even more.

Yes I'm afraid he's stringing you along or trying to let you down gently. Either way this is over sorry to say.

Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? Unfortunately this is a breakup, not a "break". It seems he's trying to let you down easy with this "It's me, not you" reason but in doing so he has sadly given you false hope of reconciling. The best thing to do is discontinue all contact and let go.

He ended things because he isn’t happy in himself. He says he needs to find his happiness while he’s not in a relationship. He says he loves me and wants to get back together one day but he doesn’t know when.

You all say he’s made his mind up but he just wants to be happy. Not once has he said he doesn’t love me and he keeps saying end goal is for us to be together in the end. Could be a few weeks could be a few months.

Like I said I’m not willing to lose someone when there could be a chance of us getting back together!

We have a lot of debt together also and just brought a car together, have a house and everything. Plans for the future. A concert to go to next month which was for our anniversary. Can’t just throw it all away!

He already did throw it away.

People split up all the time, they have property, shared debt etc... You have to do what you have to do.

He is invested in me. Just wants to find his happiness before he can focus on me. End goal is us being together down the track.

And why is it finding happiness and being in a relationship (with you) mutually exclusive?

His happiness and his relationship with you are two different things. Why can't he find his happiness while participating in a relationship if he so invested in you?

Why are you the one thing he's willing to risk losing?

It just doesn't add up.

Look, if you are so confident you will be together than you wouldn't be here asking how to make this go away.

Exactly! Most times I've heard men saying this type of thing they had their mind of breaking up but didn't know exactly how to go about it or didn't want to be "the bad guy" and so say these vague things and expect their partner to take action by "releasing" them. Or they like the perks of being in a relationship but don't really want to be in one and want to keep the person somehow lingering around just in case.

I don't know, it just doesn't add up to me him being happy and "finding himself" being mutually exclusive with being in a relationship with you.

Is he seeing someone? What prompted this sudden need for space if you have plans coming up? Often the "time out but hold on" thing means they want to test the waters and have you on the back burner. Particularly suddenly walking out and claiming they're "just not happy" or something vague like that.

Who's staying in the house? Who got the car? Who is paying for utilities, insurance phones etc.? Have you seen an attorney about dealing with severing ties financially? Who owns what and who's name is on what and what do each of you have as far as debts/assets?

Have you checked your credit reports? Do you have joint bank or credit card accounts? Are there any unusual charges to explain this much debt?

Not once has he said he doesn’t love me and he keeps saying end goal is for us to be together in the end. Could be a few weeks could be a few months. We have a lot of debt together also and just brought a car together, have a house and everything.

Break ups are hard on both the dumper and dumpee. And often when breaking up with someone people, both men and women, like to cushion the impact in attempts to make the transition out of the relationship a little easier. A little bit of hope can help ween someone off. It's like giving up smoking. Some people do it cold turkey, others need to reduce intake over time bit by bit. I do not think he is a bad person for stating 'he wants to get back together some day once all his stuff is sorted', and I do not think he is trying to string you along. It's a cushion to make this process easier.

Maybe it's just me, but I find the above rather contradictory. You'd think if he was that invested in you, and loved you, then he would be happy! I must be missing something...

People need to find happiness in themselves before entering a relationship. But most shove themselves into one expecting to find happiness there before they are happy in themselves, then when there is a period of hard times, their life turns upside down.

We tell people on here all the time 'Don't look for happiness in someone else' and yet here you are advocating for just that. Sure, some strong people can do it, and their partners may but the perfect mix of person to allevciate everything, but many cannot.

Sure, he is invested in her and he loves her, but obviously he is not happy. This does not mean he is not happy with her, but he has discovered he is not happy in who he is. Can I find my own happiness with someone there that I am depending on for my happiness? Having been through that very thing, I can say, sometimes you need to rip the bandage off and just let it heal in the open air. Depending on someone else to make you happy if you are not already will only end in pain, as it seems to have here. Can he come back from this, sure, but don't hold your breath.

Best way forward here is to not hold on to this idea that there may be something in the future with him. If there is, then yay! but sitting by the phone for the rest of your life waiting for that call will just leave you bitter. Go heal, find your happiness in yourself and prepare for whatever comes next with whomever comes next.

This is one of the better messages I have received. Someone who actually understands that I respect the fact he needs to find happiness on his own.

I love him and he loves me still and we are both just somewhat holding onto that because he’s never said he wasn’t happy with me he just wasn’t happy in himself and he doesn’t want to bring me down when he’s like this.

Just waiting for his happiness to find him. Also maybe the time apart will make him realise what he’s missing out on and maybe I was his happiness all along.

I have been on both sides of the story. I loved someone who said wasn't happy with his life and broke up with me, I kept hoping he'd get back, he told me he wanted me back at some point, but truth is if he loved me as much as I loved him, he would've never left. On the other hand there was this guy that truly loved me but I wasn't in the same page and even though I loved him too, and cared deeply about him I knew it was best to go separate ways. He, one the other hand, tried to do everything to keep me. Before breaking up, it's all a matter of "how much does this person matter in your life? Is he or she the one to the point where you can't lose him, or are you risking leaving and let them be to find someone else?"

You probably shouldn't waste your life "waiting" for him, it's not fair to do this to yourself, and you shouldn't depend on someone to be happy. I always think that relationships need balance. You can't give 100% of yourself if he's not willing to do the same. Sure people go through bad times, but don't put this above your mental health, in the long run, you'll be greatful you didn't to this for someone who wasn't willing to do the same for you.

'We have a lot of debt together also and just brought a car together, have a house and everything. Plans for the future. A concert to go to next month which was for our anniversary. Can’t just throw it all away!'

And yet he's done just that. Threw it all away.

When someone loves you, their happiness IS WITH you. They don't need to go anywhere or look for anything. They won't just remove themselves from your life with a bs line of 'we will get back together sometime in the future'. Never. Sorry OP...