No Contact does work - when you’re not trying it

I’m just recently going through a breakup and started reading about going no contact to move on, and how some also use it as a means to win back their ex. I then started thinking back to my past relationships and dating and remember that, even before I knew what it was, and that it was a “thing”, it did work with both results. And reconciliation is possible. Just want to share my stories.

I had two serious relationships when I was much younger. The first was in high school. It was young love, lasted a few months, but for some reason we had a falling out. I was devastated but I remember I didn’t beg, plead, accepted the decision, and let him be. This was also at a time when there was no social media and Internet (I’m showing my age here 🙂) so I think that made a difference. I couldn’t easily cyber stalk him like we can do these days. So I was able to move on. A few years go by, I think I was a junior or senior in high school, and we ended up reconnecting. We had matured a lot in the years, and were both very different people when we got back together. It started slow and we never talked about the past, just started it like it was a new relationship. We ended up staying together for 4 years.

Next serious relationship was in my mid 20’s. We broke up a number of times but in between those periods, we did not talk to each other. Actually, the first time we did, I cheated on him and felt so bad and ended it. I was surprised that, after about a month of no contact, he gave me a second chance when I reached out. We lasted almost two years.

After that, I just went through a long period of dating, with most of these short term things lasting a few months. One guy I dated a few months was selfish and ended things with me when I wanted more. It was not a good breakup, but we cut all contact and I moved on. Sure enough, a few months later he texts me asking to see me again. I told his selfish self to fk off. 🙂. The next guy was a hotshot surgeon who ended up being a jerk to me. We ended things after a few months. He found me on Facebook and texts me out of the blue years later asking to see me and apologizing for being a jerk. I politely declined and accepted his apology. Next guy who came back really broke my heart - I wanted more than he did and I remember I did the whole begging, pleading, angry emails, etc. it pushed him away. Defriended him on Facebook and moved on. A year later, he sent out the feeler messages, sent me old photos or links of stuff he knew I liked, and asked if I had a date for an upcoming comedy show. I also just politely declined. Last guy who came back was a casual fk buddy who ended things with me because he met someone new that he wanted to pursue. By this time, wiser and used to the drill, I gracefully accepted and wished him luck. About 4-5 months later, when I started a new, serious relationship, he contacted me asking if I wanted to come over for some wine. I said “so I guess that relationship didn’t work out, did it? 🙂”, told him I was happily in a relationship and wished him well. He said he was bummed, and that I was a cool and sexy girl and i deserved that.

In all these times, I cut the contact and refused any requests to stay friends. I didn’t go no contact thinking I was going to get them back, I went no contact thinking I was never going to see them again. And sure enough, when I was completely over them, they come back. It’s like it’s this invisible force that tells them you’re happy.

Anyway, i wanted to share this, because I’m currently doing this now. Except this one is the hardest I’ve ever been through. I had grand hopes for us. Just live your life, don’t beg,don’t push, don’t force, don’t look back, and cliche as it sounds, if you love something set it it free. It will come back if it was meant to be. I don’t think I believe in the 30 Day or 60 Day or however amount of days NC Rule to get your ex back. I believe in just cutting off contact, forever, for your own healing.

My personal experience is they always come back. I see NC as a tool to help myself heal and not a tool to deny someone contact so they give in and contact me, anyway. But, much like your experience, they return, you reconcile, only to repeat the same dance.

Some may have reconciled and can say in some instances `it' works! But you are single now, after all, right? I can't work that well.

So, if you look at it this way was NC really a tool to get your ex back? Or just a means to drag on a relationship that wasn't meant to be in the first place?

Hang in there.

I’m just trying to move on and heal at this point. I want to get over the pain.

They always come back...but they're always useless (like even worse than the last time) when they do. And only someone with low self-esteem would take them back. (I'm talking about myself here).

They don't "always" come back. There is no one-size-fits-all method to rekindle a relationship, and furthermore, most relationships that end shouldn't be started up again! I went NC after my last breakup over a year ago, and all that happened was that we never spoke again.

Funny thing about NC "working" is that someone has to break the rule to move forward with trying to heal the relationship. If both people are following the rule, no one will ever move forward and no reconciliation will occur. The power dynamics that NC can create actually seem damaging to me in regards to trying to create connection, but that's just my two cents. That's not to say that I am not a supporter of NC in many difficult breakup situations, but it is not actually what decides if two people work their problems out and get back together or not (even if it often is inadvertently present in reconciliation stories).

I have had 5 relationships. I broke up with #5 two months ago. Looking back, after a period of no contact, all four of the previous boyfriends got in touch again after varying periods of time, usually a matter of months but I heard from a particularly useless ex about 4 years after I decided never to have anything to do with him again. Needless to say, I have never gone back there. At the time, contact with them seemed like the most important thing in the world. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and allows you the perspective to see that you choose the wrong men again and again. After this most recent ex, I am having to entirely overhaul my approach to relationships, spend time on healing, and be very alert to any red flags. No contact is the way to go with regards to healing. Getting back someone who treated you badly or you have a broken relationship with should never be the aim xx

Yep.. you can't "try" for it to work. You just have to let it work. That's true for anything not just dating. Ever "TRY" to sleep? can't do it can you? The only way we fall asleep is to not try, and let it happen on its own and not think about it. Amazing eh?

As for "do ex's always come back"? No they don't. For those that have had them come back, that just means the ones you've had THUS FAR have come back - but they won't always.

Nor should it matter how often they come back or not. You need to move on and let it go. If it comes back it will, if it doesn't it doesn't. You have to LET IT WORK, not TRY and make somethign work.

That's the absolute truth to life.