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Thread: Is there a way to help a friend?

  1. #1

    Is there a way to help a friend?

    Hi. I don't want to force a friend of mine to come out. But I'm tired of hearing from them wanting a partner in life and not doing anything about it.

    Here's the story without trying to exclude anyone because i am ignorant...a friend of mine who is a girl has always stated she likes guys. I've tried to set her up with guys but she claims she's too picky and would nit pick the slightest thing about the guys. "He's too short," "he lives too far" when he's an inch shorter than her or he lives 30 mins from her. Or "he looks like he wouldn't like me". I once found the exact guy she said she would go for and she turned him down saying "no i just don't think so"

    A few years ago I got into a relationship with my current bf, (I'm a girl). And my friend became jealous and rude. She became rude towards my bf while everyone else loves him.

    It dawned on me after someone else pointed out, that my friend has a crush on me. She has been handsy with me. Like she would rub my shoulders and back for longer than the norm. Then she would compliment me on my looks as in face and body. She got so mad I spend time with my bf. She sends pics to me of women wearing little to nothing who also are showing off their "assets."

    She's 28 years old and in the 8 years I've known her she has never dated anyone or even before then. The only man she has ever told me he's interested in is my gay friend.

    I don't know for a fact shes not into straight men but it seems she's not. I don't want to push her out of the closet but at the same time I want her to know it's cool if she did come out. Because I'm not interested in her and being around her is awkward.

    Who knows, maybe she really is into men on some level. I just want her to be who she is, stop complaining about being single and date. How do I go about helping her?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Life is just really easier if let people dictate their own path without any help from you.
    So, she might be gay. That's her journey. She might just be jealous of the time that your now boyfriend takes, not that she has the hots for you.
    Either way, that's her deal. Her experience and hers to deal with.
    Hands off. From this moment on, let others be.
    Stop wondering what your next move is.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Some people are just not ready for a relationship. Some people are just scared of intimacy, or being let down, etc.

    Also - itís not uncommon for besties to get jealous if you are spending less time with them, focusing elsewhere, etc. In a way, he IS taking you away from her (thatís the natural path of life - and thatís ok - but itís still change which is uncomfortable).

    I wouldnít jump to the conclusion that sheís gay. But if she is... I agree that her path is her path and you should just let her live it.

    In terms of her touchiness - if it makes you uncomfortable - just say so. Nothing wrong with that.

    In terms of letting her know itís ok if she comes out, I would just use whatever opportunities to have to talk about people who are gay (in general terms or in relation to your gay friend) - maybe talk about any struggles heís had - and just express that you love all your friends for who they are, regardless of sexual orientation. Just be gay-positive.

    That would be me advice.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    I really think that for one thing, you are just making assumptions about your friend's sexuality, and for another, even if she's gay that would be up to her to come out to people and to make her own decisions about who she wants to date. I'm not even sure if there is enough ground here to say she's actually into women. Some people actually are really picky about who they date or they just don't really care about dating that much. No offence but you sound a bit pushy and like someone that may have been pushing her towards guys and she may not have been into THOSE guys. Also some people actually can have very high standards which may sound ridiculous to you but you can't control other people and what they do in their own dating life.

    In any case, you've been best friends with this girl for eight years so if you really want to know if she's gay then why don't you just ask her and get the answers straight from her? You just a bunch of assumptions and you don't actually know if they're true.

    Also I think you should discuss with her why she's so jealous of your relationship with your boyfriend because it's not healthy to be jealous. Just have a calm talk to her and ask how SHE feels. You are posting on a message board and we are happy to give advice but we don't know your friend so we can't know if she's gay or not. You need to have better communication with her because that's what close friendships are about.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    In that case simply employ tighter boundaries and cut back on listening to endless complaining. Be busy, listen only for a limited time do not offer suggestions or advice and just pull back. This is something she needs to figure out, not you. You really can't help her.
    Originally Posted by Iwillmoveon
    I'm tired of hearing from them wanting a partner in life and not doing anything about it. How do I go about helping her?

  7. #6
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    This is not for you to decide for this person. So don't push or pull them about how they want to deal with their life.
    If you want to be a friend, be there when she needs to speak or talk to somebody and support her (like you said you would). that's all you can do.

    As for is she attracted to you? Hard to tell. It could be she's bi- or lesbian and is into you.. or it could be the typical competition jealousy thing females go thru and she's insecure about her looks and whatever and wishes she were more like you and had your life. Could be either equally.

    Anywya.. this is her life. be there for her, but don't tel lher how to live or push her into how to live either way.

  8. 04-17-2019, 10:39 AM

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