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Thread: It is so easy for him to hit me, but leaving him isn't so simple.

  1. #21
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    It sounds like we are all trying to scare you.

    And actually, we are. We are all trying to scare you into being smart, responsible, and safe. We don't even know you, but we care about you.

    This isn't just a bunch of people on the internet typing a bunch of stuff. Please read all of these posts, and get a plan together, immediately.

    And stop making excuses. Social media, degree that you want to get, the dog. Just take care of yourself, bring the dog, get out of there. Please, today.

  2. #22
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    Honey. Sister. Girl. Please, for your life and your safety, please leave him. Get the dog. Get a restraining order on him. Find a womenís shelter. Who cares about all of the stuff - it wonít do you any good if youíre not alive to even use it all. And who cares about what people think on Facebook. Just keep your well being and safety in mind. Please!

  3. #23
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rosex25
    Surprisingly he is not like that. When he is not angry, he is not manipulative or controlling. He is just a pretty chill guy. Unfortunately all of my family is several hundreds of miles away, however I do have a great friend group I have made since starting grad school. My boyfriend is friends with them too. It isn't that I'm scared day to day when I wake-up or come home from school. It is just when he is angry that he is mentally unstable. Which... is typically predictable. He will only get angry if I get mad or annoyed at him ofr something. But I can't not get mad when it involves my dog.
    Its not surprising. Most people who have never been in these situations think text books describe everything perfectly and that abusers are predictable caricatures. So you kinda have to try to not allow your defenses to go up because people are basing their advice on what they read and hear about, its illogical to them how getting out can be such a huge mental process but it is.


    Originally Posted by Annia
    the problem is that they're... abusive and the abuse tends to get worse and worse and the "non abusive" moments less and less as he realises gradually what he can get away with. Abuse almost always escalate. Don't expect him to change and stop abusing you... he won't.
    This is very true though, trust me I went through it for years and as you stated each first means it becomes a regular occurrence and the more normal this all becomes the more 'normal' it will be for the both of you, its only going to get worse as he pushes that envelope more and more.

    DO NOT LEAVE UNTIL YOU ARE PREPARED.

    I realize some will think this is terrible advice but hear me out, I left multiple times, each time it was right after abuse and as soon as I calmed down, I went right back, it wasn't until this last time, where he actually left me and tried to come back that I realized that I didn't want to live like that anymore, by that point I had everything in place which helped me stand by my choice.

    Another poser who said it is right, that dog was an anchor.

    Talk to a trusted friend or family member, make a plan, act on that plan.

    Go completely NC if you don't he WILL get you to go back.

    I realize your emotions are high and you may very well convince yourself things arent that bad after you calm down. Things ARE that bad and it will get worse. Please give serious thought to getting out.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Rosex25
    I really appreciate the advice from everyone. It warms me up so much that complete strangers are willing to put in the time to write a reply to me.

    Unfortunately, I cannot move back home with family. I am determined to at least get my Masters of Science before ending school here in Virginia. After that I would like to go to a law school out in Oregon, which I envision my new life starting. Until then, I would have to stay here in Virginia and finish my degree. I know when comparing education and abuse, education seems trivial. But it means everything to me. If I move back home now, (Massachusetts) I will forfeit all of the work I have done on my thesis, and would have to start over again.

    However, reading all of your comments really just makes me want to move out of the house. I have a really nice landlord, this lovely old man. I'm sure if he knew my situation he would release me from the lease, or at least let me pay a penalty, instead of footing half of the rent until August. I think my next move is finding a new place to live on my own with Cooper. While I have many friends who would have open door policies with me, I don't want to burden them too much, seeing as we are all full-time students. But I will start to look for new rents that I can afford on my own.

    And to all of the social media comments, I know 1000% you are all right. I just have this annoying pride about me and I like everyone to think that everything in my life is perfect. I know this is stupid, but I honestly think it is a self-confidence issue or something. But you guys are all right... screw social media. I might raise a few eyebrows, but there will be a drama the next day people can focus on.

    Again, thank you all so much for the advice. You have no idea how much it means to me.
    Your degree is not worth your life. you can also transfer, can you not - maybe repeat some things but still graduate? Could you take a few months off and go stay with your parents just to give you a chance to be away from him without the temptation of running right back to him? Also, there are people looking for a roommate and a pet is okay-- divorced woman who got the house but needs a roommate to afford it, an elderly lady who doesn't need care but would benefit from just having someone around even if you pass like two ships just not to be totally alone, other women in your program, etc. If you can afford half a house, you can afford to rent a condo or an apartment. the best thing that happened is that i could move away from where i was for awhile to remove all temptation on running back

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  6. #25
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    I'm sorry I cannot read your post, OP, because I am not able to tolerate animal abuse. You are an adult and have the faculties to leave the home and leave abuse. It is YOUR CHOICE to leave or stay.

    However, your innocent doggie cannot make that decision, so little Cooper is in fact the real victim here. Please PLEASE take him out of there immediately away from this sick animal (and human) abuser. The thought of him mistreating a little doggie just breaks my heart. You're a grown woman - just leave!

    (Disclaimer - I left an abusive situation when I was in my 20's and had very little means of income though working full-time. I've been there. It IS possible to just leave! )

  7. #26
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He knows where you go to school now so he'll be there stalking you, or worse (likely) if you leave but stay living in the same city and going to the same school so Please call your parents or other trusted family and get yourself and the dog away from him. He knows how much the dog means to you so cooper may very well be his next physical abuse victim just so he can shove it to you good.

    I'm not sure if women's shelters will take in your dog as well as you but you owe it to yourself and Cooper to at least phone a hotline in your area and get professional advice on how to get yourself out of this situation and keep you and your dog alive in the process.

    It was chilling reading how you talk as if this is just a normal thing for you and that you have all these reasons why you put up with it.
    I'm going to include a link that will introduce you to people that can help you and hopefully get you the therapy you need to help you understand that you run away the first time a man slaps you, that you forget all the great sex, the fun times prior to that slap, the fake support and anything else you found addictive and you RUN.

    Please call the number but do it from school and clear your phone or use a landline there.

    [Register to see the link]

    Please, stop thinking of reasons you should stay and instead be active in thinking of ways to leave and get the psychological support you need to overcome what he's done to you.

    (( ))

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    So, you rather risk being killed than breaking up with him?? Really?

    Call the police and get a restraining order. It CAN be done.

    I also strongly advise you seek professional counselling/therapy to help you figure out exactly WHY you choose to remain in an extremely toxic, dysfunctional and abusive relationship, as it's just not normal (imo). Please, get help. The sooner the better. Choosing to stay with someone who physically abuses you .... well, that's on YOU.

    I have never read such an extremely disturbing post in all the years I have been here on ENA. OP, You seriously need to get help and get out.
    I agree! Don't get it!

  9. #28
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    There is no ďlogisticallyĒ reason to stay. I donít care if you get your keep fixed for free. He is abusing you. You need to leave immediately. Call the police and leave.

    I took my daughter when she was a baby and left her dad because he was emotionally and verbally (and on occasion physically) abusing me. It was tough to leave but I broke it off and went to live with my parents for awhile and it was the best, safest, happiest, most refreshing thing I ever did. I canít even imagine how ****** up I and my daughter would be (mentally) if I didnít leave. I still have to keep in (limited) touch with him because of my daughter, but I know our lives would be so much worse if I stayed with him. You can do it. Leave. Now.

  10. #29
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    You are a courageous woman for writing about such a difficult situation in a public forum, Rosex25!
    Abuse is never okay. May you receive the strength you need to permanently leave him.

  11. #30
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    Gahhhhh, he's committed, to kicking your dog and punching you in the face. He likes doing that. If he didn't like doing that he would already be in counselling for anger management. If he seemed freaked out that would be more about being afraid of being busted than being worried about hurting you (see above, he he genuinely cared he would be in counseling for anger management, already, you would not have to ask for this!)

    Please find your courage and go, facebook isn't real life, if you can't afford a house then sharehouse (I sharehouse, I will probably always live in sharehouses), do the wise things suggested here, call local shelters, call hotlines, tell your family, feel out if there is someone who can temporarily take Cooper if needed, start squirreling precious things away.

    His general niceness in between had me in mind of this Captain Awkward letter response. The Captain described occasional yelling as a tiny cat turd in an otherwise excellent soup. Although small, the soup is ruined now. Punching you in the face is more like a whole bag of cat turds in the soup. [Register to see the link]

    I'm cheering for you Rose, leaving requires mightyness and I believe you have it in you. (You are posting here, you are already on your way to succeeding)

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